Title: Fear and Loathing in New Gotham
Rating:
Pairing: Helena/Dinah
Disclaimer: I don't own them; I'm just having some fun.
Part 1
Helena let the sizzling water cascade over her body. She had missed hot showers; the shower in her apartment was lukewarm at best. Letting out a groan the brunette felt tension drip from her, the shaking in her hands had all but stopped. Leaning forward Helena let her forehead rest against the cool tiles, the water still pounding between her shoulder blades. She felt her mind flit over the day. As her stomach lurched, Helena scrambled from the shower and emptied her stomach into the toilet.
She felt a presence behind her but couldn't turn away from the basin. She retched again and couldn't remember eating as much as what was coming out of her.
"Now that's sexy." Dinah grimaced from the doorway as the naked; soaking wet Huntress vomited again.
Helena couldn't help it. She was hoping the person behind her had been Barbara, her friend, coming up to see if she had really come home after being gone for so long. Helena began to cry, heavy sobs punctuated by puking. She was shaking violently and she couldn't stop. God, she wished it had been Barbara.
Dinah was stone all of a sudden. She had never known the brunette to cry before, she had heard from her guardian that it was possible; that she wasn't such a heartless bitch, but seeing it chilled her. Helena had hurt them so much lately. She had taken off not long after what had happened to Wade and had not been seen since. But at this moment she didn't care that the girl in so much pain just happened to be psycho-Huntress, she was just a girl in pain.
……………..
Dinah had been out late last night; gotten a little drunk and now she was paying the price. Barbara hadn't even looked up from the Delphi as she stumbled from the elevator, but she knew that the red-head was disappointed; she could feel it in the air.
It was times like this that she wished she could have been meta-stealthy, in and out without Barbara knowing. She made a silent prayer that the pills she had retrieved from Helena's medicine cabinet would work on the alcohol induced thumping inside her head, at least she hoped that it was alcohol induced. A bitter taste enveloped her mouth as she swallowed them dry. She rubbed at her sore eyes and re-focused on the woman sitting opposite her.
Dinah had fetched a sheet from the Huntress' little used bed and wrapped it around the naked woman. She rubbed her back until the dry retching had ceased and then scooted across the cold linoleum lined floor as fresh tears fell from the other woman's eyes. She watched as Helena pulled her knees up into her chest and wrapped her arms around them before burying her face within the sheets and started crying.
……………….
Helena had let her wet hair provide a curtain that hid her face. She had stopped crying and was now taking in deep shuddery breaths. She could feel that Dinah was still there even though she hadn't looked up. She had been too far gone earlier to care that the other woman was in the room as she sobbed. Now, she was embarrassed. She felt weak, stupid and sick. She cursed out loud as a fresh set of tears threatened.
"You okay?" The blonde spoke eventually. She grimaced at how loud her voice seemed.
Helena nodded.
"Jesus Christ Hel." Dinah's voice was little more than a whisper. "What happened to you?"
Helena's eyes were red and her face pale when she eventually looked up. "Too much."
Dinah couldn't help herself. She slid across the floor and pulled Helena in to an embrace. She had spent the last year in New Gotham helping people. She couldn't stop now just because of what Helena had done. She tugged at the other woman's hands and looped them behind her back until she took the hint and hugged her back. Dinah's hands slid up the pale blue sheet that surrounded Helena, one hand pulled her closer while the other went to the back of her head easing her down on to her shoulder. Eventually the two women had their arms around each other and Helena had her face nestled in the crook of Dinah's neck where she began to cry again.
Dinah shushed soothingly.
"I can't do it anymore." Helena mumbled through tears.
"Can't do what sweetie?" Dinah pulled back slightly, cradling the other woman's face in her hands. She swallowed at a lump that had formed in her throat at Helena's obvious hurting. She wondered for a second why she had found it so difficult to even have a civil conversation with Helena after Quinn had gotten into the Clock Tower. None of it had really been Helena's fault but, Dinah was scared of what Helena as Huntress was really capable of.
Helena tried to lower her face so that Dinah couldn't look at her like she was, but she was surprisingly weak against the younger woman's grip. Her lip began to tremble.
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." Dinah comforted. "I can go and fetch Barbara if you'd prefer to talk to her." She kept her gaze on the other woman and was stunned by the flash of fear that appeared in her violet eyes.
Helena wrapped her fingers in the other woman's shirt and gripped hard. "You can't go out there D."
Dinah Redmond tried to hide the knot of panic that clenched at her insides.
"I don't want Barbara to know that I'm here. It's too hard for her to see me." Helena's eyes were wide. She didn't want to hurt the woman who had been her best friend, surrogate mother and work partner anymore.
The teenager let out a slow breath that she hadn't realized she was holding and giggled nervously. "You've really got a thing for her haven't you?"
"Jesus D, it's not like that." Helena grimaced. "She's a friend and I love her, but not like that."
"I'm sorry." At least she had the grace to apologize. "It's just that you seemed real close, I thought that maybe …"
Helena let a small smile play on her lips as she thought of the totally unassuming red-head. She wondered what Barbara would say if she knew that their young charge thought that Helena had a crush on her.
Silence hung between them for a little while before Dinah eventually spoke. She never did enjoy silence. "So, erm … seeing as I'm going to be here for a while; seeing as Barbara's out there, you wanna talk about what you said earlier." She noticed the confusion and elaborated. "You said that 'you can't do it anymore'." She repeated verbatim.
The two women were side by side with their backs up against the wall opposite the bathtub. Helena ran her hands through her slightly damp hair, combing it through with her fingers. She was trying to figure out what to do. She didn't know if Dinah was the right person to speak to; but after the whole naked vomiting, she knew she had to talk to someone and Dinah was the only person right here right now. She looked down at her hands and noticed that they were still trembling. She was almost struck dumb when the blonde who had also noticed the trembling, took both of her hands and rubbed them gently between her own as if to warm them.
"I went out today," Helena began as she took in a deep calming breath. "I was just going to get some air … stretch my legs a little."
Dinah cradled the other woman's hands in her lap as she spoke, gently running her thumbs over the soft skin.
Helena stared at her hands as she continued. "I went to a bar. It's a known crim hanging joint. I just sat there listening … and it kinda felt like old times … being surrounded by scum … knowing that if I wanted to, I could take them out. If I wanted to." She listened to her own words as she spoke in staccato sentences and could feel bile burn in her chest. "I'm a superhero, right? … It's my job. But I started to shake. Jees D, I was so scared. I … I just took off, I … I wanted outta there as quick as." She gasped a breath. "I was in the alley in about three seconds flat. That's where he jumped me. God I don't even know what he was … he was so quick." Helena's chest throbbed; her breaths were becoming short and shallow. Her eyes changed into the cat like slits of the Huntress.
"Helena." Dinah stopped the other woman as she was about to continue. "Hel, honey, do me a favour and take a deep breath."
The Huntress' eyes were almost glowing as she started to hyperventilate. Suddenly she could see the young blonde in front of her again. She could feel Dinah's right hand grip her chin and pull her until they were eye to eye. Helena began to emulate the deep breaths that the other woman had begun, watching her face, feeling long; slow; breaths on her face. She fought to control the rapid rise and fall of her chest.
"I looked down and they were red." Helena didn't wait for Dinah to ask her if she wanted to continue, she just needed to get it out. "The blood that covered my hands, it was so red … like … Wade's. I hit him … and for a moment it was back then and the blood was so red." She let Dinah pull her into another hug. "I never wanted to hurt him … I just couldn't stop.
"God D, I can't do this anymore."