TITLE: No Longer Friends of Narnia
AUTHOR: Pilla Jeffrey
CATEGORY: Angst, Drama
PAIRING: Peter/Susan, non-incestuous; hint of Susan/Caspian
SPOILERS: Both movies and their respective books
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: super!angst
SUMMARY: Susan and Peter comfort each other after knowing they'll never return to Narnia.
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: anywhere else, ask.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own The Chronicles of Narnia.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This started out as a Peter!Angst story with Susan coming in to help him through his pain, but the story soon took hold of itself and I realized that Susan, more than Peter, needed some reassurance in order for her to continue to believe.

No Longer Friends of Narnia

Peter hadn't slept in nights. Actually, he hadn't slept since he had been in Narnia. It was as if his bed were two sizes too small or the sheets were made of pine leaves. He sat up in bed, watching the light from his candle flicker against the walls. The white of the walls was muddled yellow with age. He couldn't believe that his future had been reduced to sallow walls on modern and inelegant architecture.

He missed the crisp scent of the sea, the feel of hard metal in his hand, the weight of armor on his chest. He missed living with Susan and Lucy. Their boarding school was down the road and he saw them every Sunday at church, but it wasn't the same. Nothing felt the same or felt as right as it did in Narnia.

He still could barely believe how willingly he'd given up his claim to the world he'd ruled and loved. King Caspian X now did what High King Peter the Magnificent could not: Caspian ruled Narnia and he would be allowed to grow up as he did so.

Perhaps it was the fact that nothing Aslan had said seemed fair. It didn't seem fair that Peter, who had led Narnia's Golden Age, was rewarded with human squabbles and earthly pains. That Susan, who had guided the High King through good times and bad and had lost a bit of her heart to the new Narnian sovereign, now had to grow up into a tired woman instead of a queen.

The thunder and wind rattled the windows but Peter didn't care. Nothing scared him anymore. Nothing except living the rest of his life in the shadow of what it could have been.

The last time he'd returned, Peter had reached a cold, yet angry acceptance of his life in England. He had picked fights with bullies who wouldn't know how to hold a broadsword to save their lives, trying to give his calloused hands a semblance of meaning. He had made first in his class, above those who had never studied the stars or done geometry on the high seas. He had been stoic and perfect, like a king should be. But this time, he was less angry and more mournful. Despite Aslan's initial promise, he was no longer a king of Narnia and never would be again.

"Peter Pevensie. Isn't it a bit late for you to be up?"

Peter looked up, seeing his sister in the doorway. Her hair was wet and messy, her shoes and stockings covered in mud. "Susan, how did you get here?"

"That boy that fancies me—you know, the one from the train station—let me in. It only took an hour's walk to get here, but sound as ungrateful as you wish." She closed the door quietly behind her so as not to wake up Peter's roommates.

He shook his head. "I'm always glad to see you, Su."

"I heard you've been a little under the weather." Susan smiled at him softly.

"Who told you?"

"Edmund told Lucy during their field trip to the hatchery and Lucy told me." She sat next to him on his bed, letting his head fall into her lap. She brushed his golden bangs from his eyes. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, Su."

"Don't 'nothing' me. If you've learned anything in the past few weeks, it's to trust others and not act like an arrogant prick." She sighed. "It's about how we're not allowed to return, isn't it?"

Peter looked up at the ceiling. "Before, when I didn't know if we were ever going back, I at least had the hope that we would. Now what? I settle for life in England because I'm too old?"

"You took it very well when Aslan was explaining it all to us."

Peter sat up. "Well, what was I supposed to do? After so many deaths happened because I didn't trust Aslan, how could I question his decision?" He shrugged his shoulders and then shook his head. "Do you think that's why I failed? I was too old? I didn't believe enough? If we—"

"Our time was up, Peter," Susan said. "We can't return. Not as we are now." There was a finality in her voice that shocked Peter, the luxurious tones in her voice replaced by hard apathy. "It was good while it lasted, Peter. We did so much good for Narnia. You did so much good. But our lives lie here now."

"Susan, how can you say that?"

"Peter, I can't simply spend all my time thinking about what has been. At this very moment, decades are passing in Narnia. In a year, we became mere legend there. Don't you think that Caspian has moved on? He is establishing a peace between two people, recreating our nation. He has better things to do than think about us."

"So this is about Caspian," Peter teased.

She rolled her eyes. "It's about nothing of the sort, Peter. It's about you and me. Mum and Dad want to take us to America. You have university coming up. There are more worlds to discover here as well." Susan's fingers swept through his hair gently, taking hold and lifting his face to meet her eyes. "Peter, you are destined for great things here."

"Su, how can you be taking this all so well? Narnia was as much a part of you as it was for me."

Susan averted her eyes. "I loved being a queen of Narnia. It suited me. But I'm needed here. We can't be selfish. The war is still going on and you know how hard Mum is taking Dad being in the service. We need to be here for them. We've got to be logical. We can't hold onto childish fantasies."

When her eyes flickered back to meet his, Peter saw the whispers of tears in her eyes. "Are you all better?" she asked, attempting a smile.

Peter nodded and took Susan into his arms. At his touch, Susan broke down. She held him tighter, crying into his neck, the hot tears slipping beneath his pajama shirt while her wet hair drenched the fabric, her uneven breaths rattling in his chest. Susan had always been the strong one in the family, the one that held them all together. She, like Peter, never showed weakness; unlike Peter, it was never because she was conceited. She was the brave face of the Pevensie family.

When she spoke, her voice was bitter and ragged against her tears. "Maybe we should question Aslan. What right did he have to pull us from our lives here and make us wish for what could never be? The moment I'm used to uniforms and exams, I'm taken back. It's not fair, Peter. Not to you, not to me."

Peter stroked her hair. Maybe she'd come for herself, too. "Shh, Su. We're going to be alright."

"We are. I know. But what about Lucy and Edmund? They won't be able to go back soon. How will Lucy take it? I don't know how to make it better for her. Make her not hurt like this." Her chest shuddered, her tears still falling. "We don't deserve this and they don't deserve this, no matter what Aslan says. He was wrong to do this to us and he will be wrong again when he does it to them."

"Su—"

"We've got to be strong for them."

"Susan—"

"We've got to."

At her raised tone, Peter's roommates, Will and Jim, woke up. Upon seeing Susan, Jim pulled his blanket over himself. "Peter! It's near three. What's your sister doing here?"

"Yeah, Peter. What is this? Midnight delight?" Will snorted.

"Oh, hush," Susan snapped, drying her eyes. "Get to bed or get out." The two boys huffed and went back to bed.

Peter wiped the corners of her eyes with his thumb, meeting her gaze. "Are you going to be alright?"

"Are you?" She laughed, the corners of her mouth never quite making a smile.

"We'll get through this, Susan. You and me. Edmund and Lucy, too. We've got to trust Aslan, even if we can't see his reasoning at the moment."

His words didn't register on her face. Either she didn't believe him or she didn't hear him, and he didn't believe the latter. She kissed the top of his head, then smoothed back the hair where she had placed her kiss. "Sleep well, Pete. You deserve the rest."

He tucked her hair behind her ear and then lifted her chin to look her in the eye. "You too, Su."

"I'll see you at church next Sunday?"

She stood up, but before she could go, he took her hand, pulling her back. "Why haven't we talked like this in so long? You used to talk me through every battle plan, every treaty. I don't think we've really exchanged more than a few words in private in months."

Susan shook her head. "Growing up seems to mean growing apart. Different boarding schools. Different lives." She swallowed. "I don't know what I'd do without any of you. Saying good-bye to Narnia was…difficult, but necessary. Saying good-bye to my siblings would be impossible."

"We'll never leave you, Susan. I promise." She nodded, but wouldn't meet his eyes.

When she left, Susan's tears were still wet on his chest. Peter's mind was reeling with promises and betrayals and uncertainties and the image of Aslan and his mane rustling in the wind, his voice smooth. But with the clear, rain-drenched scent of Susan's hair still in his mind, he finally fell asleep.

Years later, when Susan would laugh away the stories that Lucy and Edmund would share, Peter was never as hurt as his brother and sister were. Because the moment Susan thought they weren't looking, she'd close her eyes and grab the edge of her skirt, as if bracing herself. And afterward, when she caught Peter's eye, she'd hold it just a second longer than she should before looking away. She knew and Peter knew. She was no longer a friend of Narnia because Narnia had chosen not to be a friend of hers.

Oh, our angsty Pevensies! Like/Dislike? REVIEW and tell me!