Summary: She never knew it could feel like this. She never knew she could feel like this. But she knew she loved him—heart and soul. And body, too. Wanda/Ian. The Host Fanfiction

Disclaimer: I do not own The Host by Stephenie Meyer or any of the character from the series. I merely think about them constantly and needed some way to let them out of my system.

His

By SiriuslyPadfoot'sGal aka JKRsunkmyship

Every night I found myself both anticipating and dreading the end of the rains. In Melanie's body, I had always felt so confident, so unafraid. But in this new host, I began second guessing my every thought and action.

I felt… vague.

I was connected to so many things—my old lives, Melanie's life, Pet's life—and the lines were beginning to blur, so much so that I could no longer find myself in the haze. I was spread too thin and the cracks were beginning to show. I had found that humans tended to define themselves either by their actions, their thoughts, their relationships, their lives. But so much of me wasn't actually mine.

Perhaps this was why I wandered. Many souls adapted themselves to the life of their host and came to define themselves in the context in which they lived. But I needed to find who I was—not who I was on the Origin, or who I was when I was one with Melanie, or who I was in this frail body I now inhabited.

And as long as I didn't know who I was, I didn't know how to act. How could I be confident in the love I saw in Ian's sapphire eyes? How can he know who I am when even I don't? And more than that… how can he love me?

An illusion—that's what this life felt like.

But I so desperately wanted it to be real. I wanted to know that the tingling sensation I felt in Ian's presence was because he was my partner. I needed to know that the ache I feel in his absence is not my mind playing tricks on me. I needed to feel something concrete, something tangible.

And a part of me knew that the end of the rains would bring an opportunity to explore those feelings.

But there was such fear! I wasn't used to feeling this way. It was so very different from fearing the Claw Beasts or the anxiety I had felt when I thought of the seeker searching for me. This came from deep inside me, swelling until it spilled over and saturated every part of me.

I was drawn from my thoughts as I heard voices gathering in the kitchen. It was time for dinner. I sighed and made my way out of the dark hole—once my prison and now my sanctuary. I entered through the natural archway, seeing the line already gathering for the food we'd picked up on the latest raid. I moved into line silently as Jeb called the group to attention.

"Pipe down, you lot! The sooner you listen up, the sooner you can all get back to your food!" Jeb hollered.

I could feel Ian's eyes on me, scorching me and causing a small blush to rise to my cheeks.

"There was another small collapse of the floor in the washroom today."

My eyes widened and I couldn't stop them from flicking around the room to check if anyone was missing.

"Relax, everyone. No one was hurt. But I do think it's time we implemented some safety measures. First up, and this should be common sense, but what can I say, you people always manage to surprise me, stay at least two feet away from the edge at all times. And secondly, everyone is now required to go in pairs to the washroom. I don't want anyone in there alone should there be an emergency. "

Everyone nodded in agreement and the meal continued as normal. I grabbed a plate, and took my usual seat between Melanie and Ian.

There was a skidding noise and I looked down to see a bag of Cheetos collide with my plate. I lifted my eyes to smile at Ian.

"They were about to run out, and I knew you would be one of the last in line."

He nudged me gently, and I shivered in response. Was that a normal human response? Why did even the simplest of touches make this body tremble?

There was thunder in the distance and the faintest hint of rain falling on the desert ground above us. Melanie groaned next to me, and I had a feeling that she and Jared were more than a little anxious to move out of the game room. But I couldn't help the small rush of relief that permeated my system. It seemed as if nature were helping me stall.

After eating my fill, I hid my mouth with my hand as I yawned.

"Tired, already?" Ian asked.

He gathered out empty plates in one hand and wound his other hand around my small fingers.

"Well come on then."

I let him drag me from the room without protesting. My mind was too focused on the warmth of his touch on my hand and the way it was pulsing through the rest of my body.

My voice was light and breathy as I asked, "Where are we going?"

"We're beating the crowd of course!" He smiled brightly, his deep blue eyes twinkling in the darkened cave.

I laughed happily, "Beating the crowds to where?"

"The washroom."

My step faltered, and I felt my face burn in a vivid blush.

"I-I don't… We…"I stuttered, trying to fight the fear flooding my system.

Ian stopped and pulled me close. He raised my small hand and held it against his chest—a chest that I couldn't help but notice was warm and muscular against my fingertips.

"Wanda." He whispered, his cheek suddenly pressed softly against my own so that I could feel his breath against my ear.

"Wanda, it's dark in the washroom. We won't even be able to see each other. And this way, we can get to the game room early and have our pick of the sleeping spots."

His voice was calm and reassuring, but my nerves continued even after he began pulling me towards the washroom again.

I tried to keep my thoughts clear as we arrived, walking close to the wall to avoid the unstable edge. Distracting myself only worked for so long though. When we were finally immersed in complete darkness, my skin felt like fire, and I could hear his every movement multiplied tenfold in the deep black.

My heartbeat was loud in my ears as I slipped my shirt over my head, quickly forming a pile with my shorts, undergarments, and shoes. I felt overheated as I took my first step into the waters. I moved in slowly, trying to be as silent as possible. Ian was the exact 

opposite. He launched himself into the water, sending a small wave towards me that splattered across my bare chest.

I couldn't see him, but I turned my back to where I assumed he was. Hoping the water would help me focus, I submerged myself in the water. I felt my hair dance around me in my small haven. The water washed over me taking some of my unease with it. I felt weightless, free from all pressure, but I could only hold my breath for so long.

I breathed deeply when I broke the surface, feeling my body expand with air. This wasn't so difficult. I had been worried for nothing. It was barely any different than being here alone.

"Ian? Can I borrow the soap?" One of the main benefits of my ability to buy things in stores without raising suspicion was the acquisition of real soap that didn't irritate your skin.

"Here you go." The voice was right in my ear, and his warmth breath fanned against the wet skin of my neck.

A squeak escaped my throat before his large hand took hold of my own, slipping a bar of soap into my palm.

My body was frozen. I couldn't move. I couldn't even breathe. I felt myself sinking slightly in the water, my legs no longer treading to keep me afloat.

"Wanda?" He asked, but I couldn't reply. When my mouth slipped below the water, he called out again, "Wanda!"

His hands closed around my shoulders and pulled me up and against him. I coughed and sputtered, trying to expel the water from my mouth.

"Are you okay?" He asked, frantic.

My eyes were wide, and my heart felt as though it might leap from my chest to join with his.

I tried to answer, to tell him I was fine, but instead I simply sighed, "Ian."

And then he was kissing me.

And his lips were soft against my own, demanding but sweet. I traced my hand across his cheek, taking in what I couldn't see because of the darkness. I realized too late that I had dropped the soap, but that thought was quickly replaced by a dozen others, like how it felt to have my breast pushed against his hard chest, or how one of his hands was lazily dancing along the line of my collar bone, and the way part of me was yearning for his hands to pull me even closer.

I don't know why I had feared this so much. Nothing in the world felt as good as this—the way something deep in me shifted towards him, as if to meld us together completely. I sighed and opened my mouth to his, allowing my tongue to dart out briefly.

He groaned, and I didn't have to yearn to be closer to him anymore, because his arm wrapped around my waist and pulled me so that there was absolutely no space between us. We were like an island—a single fortress surrounded by a world of water.

I didn't remember doing it, but I now realized that my legs were wrapped around his hips and I could feel him pressed intimately against my center.

I had some knowledge of this from my orientation into this species and of course through Melanie's memories, but I never knew it could be like this. I never knew I could feel like this.

"I love you, Wanderer. More than even I can fathom." Ian whispered against her lips.

I kissed the line of his jaw and tightened my arms around him.

"I love you, too Ian. Heart and Soul."

His hand brushed my breast and my hips automatically arched against his. He groaned and stilled me with his hand.

"Wanderer. I—I—"

I'd never heard him stutter. He sounded like me.

I could feel the hesitation in his body and he started to pull away.

"Ian." I whispered. "I- I want to… Love me. I want you to love me."

"Forever." He vowed.

He slid into me slowly, lovingly, and all of my previous thoughts were proven wrong. The way I had felt earlier was nothing compared to this.

Feeling him inside me—I didn't feel like Wanderer or Lives in the Stars or Rides the Beast. I felt like the soul that had been loved so deeply by a human that she would never be the same. Feeling our bodies become one, I knew exactly who I was.

I was his.