The SOLDIER Secretary

Author Notes: What would it be like to be the secretary for SOLDIER? Ask Sai. She's been filling up coffee mugs, slipping anti-depressants and muscle relaxers into the water, and fixing broken windows for years. They don't pay her enough, really.

This is just a thought I came up with when I got bored with Tenacity. I mean, who wouldn't want to be a secretary? I know that I wouldn't. As per usual, there will be yaoi, but nothing explicit. I have a feeling poor Sai wouldn't be saying anything on it anyway. And no, before you ask, there will be no het. Or OC action. That's lame.

Disclaimer: I, Strange and Intoxicating -rsa-, do not own, think I own, or will ever own Final Fantasy VII or its Compilations. I write this because I need a release from the angst I need to giggle once in a while, too.

Day One

The first time that I walked into the Shinra Building I should have turned around and walked right back out.

I was new, straight out of the Junon University with a major in the Continental language and a minor in Wutainese History. Not much schooling, only four years, and I figured that having some courses (no matter how utterly pointless they all were) would be enough to get me a job somewhere-- anywhere. I wanted to be an author, but until then I still needed to eat.

Along with thirteen gil in my pocket I decided that the novel on my fingertips would be enough motivation, and I would work anywhere as long as they kept a computer in front of me at all times. Working wouldn't be so hard, right? After all, Junon University said that the real world was much easier than the world of partying and sleeping through classes.

Damn teachers; a bunch of liars, the whole lot. Life easier when their were no deadlines and beds and food? Oh food. I hadn't had any of that in so long. Huh. Maybe the teachers didn't understand what being a starving artist was like. Fuck, I still didn't know what a starving artist felt like. No computer or paper to write with.

So, with my puny diploma in hand and a prayer to Minerva on my lips, I slipped into the Shinra Headquarters.

Slipped.

Perhaps it was bad timing on my part, or stupidity on the janitor's, but the floor just looked shiny. I figured, with how much money Shinra was pumping out of the citizens they had enough to spring for good wax. I also figured they could spring for some good mops, ones that didn't drip water all over the floor in puddles deep enough to drown in, but Shinra was cheaper than I thought.

The moment my first foot hit the floor I could already see that it was a mistake. The air rushed out of my lungs as I went skidding in, hands flailing. There was not enough time to even lunge for the door to when both feet went out below me and I was up in the air, going forward. I knew I was screaming; my voice seemed to have filled the entire damn place and I knew that whatever first impression I could have made I destroyed without so much as waiting a minute. It only took three seconds to end up with my face in the water, smelling the linoleum and mop water.

I hoped that I would drown in it.

"Holy! Are you okay?!"

I didn't say anything and I don't think whoever had said it expected anything. There would be a bruise on my head; I could already feel it growing, like a massive tumor on my face. Screw being alright, I wanted to snap to the guy talking--no, yelling-- above me. Get me a fucking spoon so I can press the demon's horn down before it gets out of control.

When I tried to speak the command I spit out bubbles—maybe I was drowning.

"Eh! Don't do that! Here." I could feel someone put their hands around me, pulling me up. They were strong hands and I wanted to smack them away. Tell them to leave me alone to wallow and drown in my new freedom. Welcome to the real world, alright.

He was Zack Fair, SOLDIER Second-Class. Granted, I didn't know that yet. Wish I had. Maybe I would have been quiet.

When he finally got me up from the floor and over to the benches, a feat I hadn't expected him to be able to achieve from how deeply I was trying to dig my feet into the ground, he sat me down. He had been talking so quickly that I couldn't comprehend what he was saying—a rambler. Gaia, I wanted to tell him to shut it unless somehow his voice held the power of soothing broken heads and egos.

"I've never seen someone hit their head that hard," the guy was saying, waving two fingers in front of my eyes. "You just went BAM! I thought that someone let off another one of those bombs in the entrance. Sneaky little brats like doin' it. Gave me a heart attack until I saw you laying there. How many fingers am I holding up, eh? And are you seeing chocobos flying above your head, because if you are I think I should go get you a potion or somthi—"

"Shut up."

The guy's eyes, violet and bright, stared at me like I had just told him I had Wutaian Leprosy. "Say what?"

"I said, shut up," I groaned and put my hands over my head, hoping to block out all light and sound. Everything was whirring. That couldn't have been normal, surely. With my luck I had a concussion, and would fall into a coma where I'd die. At least in the hospital they'd shove tubes down my throat. At least when I'd die they'd give me drugs. At least they wouldn't be staring at me like I just killed their puppy.

The guy looked down dejectedly for a moment. "Er. I'll try?"

"Your voice is screeching."

The man didn't say anything for a few minutes, but when I opened my eyes back up he was peering down at me.

"Huh?"

The guy clapped his hands together. "You're perfect!" It looked like he was trying to run in place. "We need someone like you! I swear, I can get you the job! You're here for a job, right?"

I nervously looked around. Had my mother paid this poor schmuck to come and embarrass me so I would go home? Insult me on top of everything along with giving me a headache?

He pulled out a phone, clicked a number so fast that I couldn't tell what it was, and raised the phone to his ear. I tried to drain out the black-haired, hyper-active man's voice, but it refused to fade.

"There's a girl down here—mmhmm—yeah, she's got that look of needing to be hired—I know, but you need to get him—but I think she'd be good! Come oooooooooooooon! Do it for me? No—meany. Fine, I'll ask." he looked down at me and smiled, teeth and all. "You need a job, right? Right? Rightrightrightrighright?"

"Yes! Just shut up!" Could the day have become any worse?

"She's even telling me what to do already! Come on—you need a new secretary and she already doesn't like me! It's perfect, right?"

Wait, I thought, eyes opening wide, even though it made me feel even more pain by doing so. Secretary? The type of person that got to deal with those annoying executives? But they had computers... and food. A whole room of food. And donuts, too. And quiet time. And food.

"I'll take it!"

The man, or kid, now that I got a good look at him, cupped his hand over the receiver. "Really? Score! Angeal, I got you guys a new secretary! What's your name?"

I would have stood up and saluted, or something, but instead I laid my head against the wooden bench. "Sai Matenson."

"Eh? Weird name. I'm Zack Fair, and you're gunna be working for him—" I would have looked around, but the kid, Fair, was pointing at his phone.

There was the door to the outside of Shinra's Headquarters, and I could have ran to it (avoiding the water in front, but most of it should have been dried by then). Yet, I didn't.

I was too tempted by the job, the awful job of being a secretary. Oh, and what kind of things I could learn! I thought of using them for my novel, as all experience was good experience.

How was I supposed to know that my novel would end up so very different than I had planned it to be? Call me whatever you wish, but being the secretary to Shinra's Elite makes everything a little more interesting and difficult. And I wrote.

And that is what this hot little book in your palm is.

Congratulations, and welcome to My life.

Boy, is it hard.

I got bored, so what do you think? The story is going to be interesting. Sai's character is going to be very funny. And she'll get to see all of the man on man going at it on her desk, but that is a tale in itself.

Please Review!