Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note.

Summary: When Watari sends 14 year old L to Japan to practice his Japanese language comprehension, L never anticipated that he would somehow be stuck babysitting two devil children: Light and Sayu Yagami.

JUVENILE CALAMITY

0855 JST:

I arrived in Tokyo, Japan at approximately 2230 hours yesterday (Japanese Standard Time). Brief delay in French airport, and as such behind schedule by about 35 minutes; however, extra time was used to practice Japanese reading comprehension. No noteworthy issues. I have successfully memorized about 5300 kanji and have a considerable grasp on conversational skills, as self-determined by practice with Mr. Quillsh Wammy. Yet knowledge of Japanese culture and common speech is significantly lacking as I have never been to this particular country in person, and an understanding of such an influential place is of the utmost necessity if I am to become the world's leading detective.

Having sensed this, it was Mr. Wammy (who shall henceforth be referred to as 'Watari', his preferred professional name) who suggested, or shall I more accurately say commanded me to take this trip to Tokyo. I am to interact with the people here and learn the common thought processes of the general Japanese population. Though I'm not pleased that Watari has left me with minimal instructions and money, and no familiar contact whatsoever, I shall lay grudges aside and proceed to complete this lesson.

My report, as Watari assigned me to do in great detail, is spoken into vocal recorder. This is most efficient for me as, though I have a computer in the hotel that I will be residing in, it is not possible to transport with me while I'm on the field. I will assume that my report will generally be confidential as obviously the primary language spoken here is not English and my own English is far from elementary anyhow.

The date is the 12th of January, year 1994. The current time is approximately 0900 hours. I am fourteen years old and I will be using the alias of 'Ryuuzaki' while here. My course of action today will be to search for a job in Tokyo that involves no legal documents nor citizenship.

Will proceed after breakfast.

Over.

1202 JST:

I am 99 percent certain that my conversational skills are flawless, however, whenever I interact with the native people they stare warily at me as though I'm trying to steal their wallets (and for the record, Watari, I didn't. Not yet.) I've also been called a pervert twice by school aged girls (and yes, Watari, my actions were purely accidental).

Cultural Note #1: Japanese people generally wear shoes. To not wear shoes is alienation. I will assume that being barefoot is the primary thing that separates me from the and the leading source of their distrust.

Over.

1341 JST:

Make that three "perverts".

Cultural Note #2: Shinjuku subway station is an interesting place.

Over.

1500 JST:

This is a special moment. I've successfully made conversation with a woman for longer than twelve seconds without being accused of sexual harassment. I feel as though this is a landmark accomplishment and also marks the end of my need for Watari in advice in romance and intimacy. Of course, I'm fourteen years old and my progress in developing sexual charm is only natural, and equally natural (taking into consideration that I am me) I intend to excel in this area.

The aforementioned woman's name is Sachiko Yagami, and she appears to be in her late twenties or possibly early thirties. She is an exceedingly attractive female. Our confrontation took place in a grocery store, which I had visited in order to use the meager money Watari bestowed upon me to replenish my food supply. Which leads me to deviate briefly-

Cultural Note #3: Japanese candy is bland. I purchased sugar cubes.

Back to Yagami, as it happened, I waited next to her in the checkout line (an aptly named system, if I do say so myself, Watari!). Upon noticing my interest in her she initiated pleasant conversation, and after brief smalltalk I told her that I was here in Tokyo looking for work. I also cleverly interjected at that point that I was in fact eighteen years old - a lie, but judging by her facial expression she accepted this without question. After this confirmation that I am, as they call, 'legal', I received an invitation to her house at 1700 hours.

I am pleased with my recently developed ability to flirt in foreign language. Such skills will definitely come in handy when I am the greatest detective in the world. I will accept Sachiko's offer. I will bring this vocal recorder. To take notes, of course.

Over.

1630 JST:

Ahh! I don't know what to do! Damn it... damn it! What's a Japanese date like? I never researched such a thing in my studies! I just attempted to look it up on the Internet here at the hotel, but nothing will load and how I despise dial-up connections from the darkest depths of my soul.

I asked a girl here what her ideal time with a man would consist of about twenty minutes ago but she slapped me. It's possible that she's either sadistic or a lesbian but there's a greater chance that my display was unimpressive.

I did buy shoes. I'm planning on combing my hair now.

1635 JST:

The comb got stuck. It's out now but pursuing that particular goal further will probably prove detrimental and isn't a risk I'm willing to take at this point. Should I bring her flowers? No... perhaps cake.

1652 JST:

I'm nearly to the address she gave me and I am overcome with a new interpretation to this situation. Sachiko asked me to her house after I mentioned that I was looking for work. I'm surprised that I didn't reach this conclusion before but as I think about it now, it's possible that she thinks I'm a prostitute.

Well, I don't really mind if she decides to pay me, as due to Watari's selfishness I could use the finances. Actually, I'll encourage her to pay.

1715 JST:

Cough.

It seems that... Sachiko and I had what is commonly referred to as... a cultural misunderstanding. I wasn't perplexed terribly when I saw that Sachiko is a married woman and her husband is very large, because he was putting on a jacket and preparing to leave. I wondered if I had arrived a few minutes too early, to be spotted by her possibly ignorant husband, when I realized that Sachiko was also preparing to leave the house.

They are going out for the evening and Sachiko has requested that I watch over her children in her absence. This is not what expected and I am not pleased, however, I suppose it can't be worse than residing in Wammy's House for the years that I did. The Yagami household contains a kitchen and after I find a way to deal with the juveniles I shall take advantage of it and wait calmly until the Yagami couple returns to pay me.

Despite my disappointment, I don't think that this will be an entirely negative experience. After all, with my intelligence and experience, a couple brats shouldn't be difficult to neutralize.

1730 JST:

There are two children.

The younger is a female who goes by the name of Sayu. She is five years old and I hate her. If she wasn't prepubescent I might suspect that she was hitting on me, considering how often she's tried to hold my hand or sit in my lap. I've never felt so harassed in my life. In order to keep her away as I sit on the couch, I keep my knees upright as though I am crouching. This movement renders her efforts useless and her goal impossible. She gave up her crusade to tickle me after about ten straight minutes and is currently amusing herself with color crayons and a book that may or may not be intended for coloring.

The second child is seven and he's called Light. I have no murderous feelings toward him as of yet, as he's kept mostly quiet with reading a book. He even commanded the younger demon to leave me be and then offered to read her a storybook. The boy seemed to pick up on my irritation with the girl, and his fueling distraction away from myself was a relief. Though I attempt to remain professional, in this case such empathy from a stranger proved beneficial. I-

LIGHT: Excuse me, Ryuuzaki-san?

LAWLIET: Yes, Light-kun?

LIGHT: Mommy said we can have fish sticks for dinner.

SAYU: Yay for fish sticks!

LAWLIET: ...Okay.

As I was saying, Light is well-behaved. I should clarify that I'm speaking of behavior upon my own standards as I was raised with in England, however I do believe that in Japan it is impolite to shove crayons up one's nose like Sayu is currently demonstrating. She is telling Light that she is, in fact, a walrus, and I imagine the crayons are intended to be reminiscent of tusks. Light doesn't grace her efforts with a laugh. He's still look at me, for whatever reason - I shall investigate.

LAWLIET: Can I help you?

LIGHT: Do you understand what fish sticks are?

LAWLIET: ...What?

LIGHT: You have to cook them for Sayu and me. The box is in the freezer. They're easy to cook, just use the oven.

LAWLIET : Then make them yourself.

LIGHT: I can't reach the oven, and Mom says I'm not allowed to stand on chairs. She also says that if I do stand on chairs anyway then I'm also not allowed to use the oven.

Sachiko had not only verbally informed me but also written me a list of tasks that had to be completed concerning her children prior to her return. I had left the list on the kitchen counter because a) I memorized what she said and b) I didn't care. However, I strangely do not recall anything about dinner, though it is possible I was paying less attention to what Sachiko was saying and more to ... other, now unfortunately unimportant matters... but, well..

LAWLIET: Light-kun, your mother never made me agree to cook. I believe that you're lying.

LIGHT: No I'm not! She told me to tell you!

LAWLIET: I do not believe you.

SAYU: Ryuuzaki-san, I'm a walrus!

LIGHT: ... Sayu, walruses eat fish sticks, don't they?

SAYU: Yeah!

LIGHT: And walruses throw tantrums when they don't get fish sticks, don't they?

LAWLIET: ...Sayu-chan, stay. Light-kun, you're coming with me.

1804 JST:

I am having second thoughts about whether or not I approve of Light Yagami as a child specimen, as I do not appreciate a seven year old blackmailing me around Sachiko's house. However, I will admit that I did not know how to cook fish sticks and I appreciated Light's instruction on the matter. The process primarily involves a pan and an oven and I was scolded for putting the disgusting things in before the oven finished preheating. Light also insisted upon setting the timer, even when I assured him such precision was wholly unnecessary.

At least in the future I can look upon this as a learning experience, though I do not expect to voluntarily make fish sticks ever again. After the fish sticks, Light claimed that his mother had also said that he and Sayu were allowed a piece of pie for dessert. But the only pie that was in the kitchen was the one that I brought for Sachiko and she would have had no time to grant him permission. When I informed him of this, he explained to me that in the Japanese language, the word for 'pie' can also mean the same as the word 'cookie' and he was referring to cookies, obviously.

Though I lack the means to affirm this statement in my dictionary, which remains at the hotel, the situation is quite clear. Light has discerned that Japanese isn't my first language and he has attempted to take advantage of that. He is a liar. I have no allies here.

Cultural Note #4: Beware of Light Yagami.

Over.

1912 JST:

For the first time, I suspect that Light and Sayu are actually worse than any of the orphans at Wammy's House. Confidently I am making this observation, though I'm aware of what such a statement entails I will stand by it.

Sayu decided to practice her kanji on the wall with those damned crayons, and continued for nearly ten minutes while I was in the kitchen enjoying the pie. I'm not aware of the specific rules of this household however I am 95 percent certain that Sachiko is a housewife who, despite breeding two manipulative devils, keeps her house clean to the point of obsessive compulsivity. When I returned to the room, I saw Light sprawled lazily on the couch, coaching his sister in proper stroke order. When Light saw me, he hopped up and pointed to Sayu, saying that I need to monitor her meticulously otherwise she gets out of control.

I told them to wash the wall clean, but Light said that their mom doesn't allow them near cleaning supplies due to chemicals. The little brat was smirking at me when I was forced to wash them myself.

At least I had the pleasure of banning Sayu from crayons. I put them on the top shelf and she howled for an undetermined amount of time. Just as suddenly as she started, however, she stopped and appears to be in good spirits. I remain suspicious and await retaliation.

SAYU: Ryuuzaki-san! Why d'you keep talking in that thing? Are you playing secret agent?!

LAWLIET: No. I'm keeping a verbal journal for my time here.

SAYU: Why are you talking gobbledygook?

LAWLIET: I'm speaking a different language.

SAYU: Oh. (pause, twenty seconds) Hey look, Mom's home!

LAWLIET: What?

SAYU: Mine! (sound of grabbing. Microphone scratches, fuzzy)

LAWLIET: (voice at distance) Come back here! Give that back to me!

SAYU: Hi this is Sayu Yagami and I'm five years old and I'm in the first grade! My favorite foods are chocolate ice cream and pizza! Right now I'm running from the scary babysitter! He's chasing me and he smells like poo! Hehehe! (pause, five seconds) ..Uh-oh.

LAWLIET: Give me-

click.

1929 JST:

I have successfully captured the miscreant. Under threat of calling her mother, she agreed to sit in the corner for a time-out. Initially, I intended to leave her imprisoned for at least half an hour until she exhibited signs of remorse, but Sayu is currently making offensive faces as well as attempting headstands. Though amusing, I feel that further judiciary action is in order. I shall record the proceedings now.

LAWLIET: That's it, Sayu. I was planning on being merciful but you've proved to me that you deserve a more severe punishment.

SAYU: Huh?

LAWLIET: For your crimes, there is only one action I can take within the bounds of Japanese law. It's bath time.

SAYU: (shriek, 15 seconds) Not a bath! No! I won't! No!

LAWLIET: Stay! Don't run unless you're running to the tub!

SAYU: You'll never catch me!

LAWLIET: You reek of fish sticks!

SAYU: (10 seconds, hasty footsteps: running) Light! Light! Save me!

LIGHT: What's going on?

LAWLIET: Don't get involved, Light-kun, or you will be treated as an accomplice.

SAYU: Noooooooo!

LAWLIET: It's cowardly to hide behind your brother, you know.

SAYU: Beat him up, Light!

LAWLIET: I warned you once what will happen if you get involved.

LIGHT: Of course. Hold on a sec. (pause, sound of whispering, indiscernible to recorder) ...Got it, Sayu?

LAWLIET: What was that?

LIGHT: I just told her to take a bath. Right?

SAYU: Yep, I'll take one now!

(pause, fifteen seconds)

Needless to say, I'm highly suspicious. I do not trust Light Yagami but cannot deal with him until Sayu is suitably cleaned and, with any luck, put to bed. Ideally, I would like her to fall asleep quickly so that I may focus on her conniving older brother, but at this point I won't set any expectations on things going exactly according to plan.

But I will be ready, Light. Whatever you're planning, I'll figure it out and see that you're in time-out for the rest of the night.

Over.

2031 JST:

It has been an hour and everything has gone... eerily well. Sayu had no complaints in taking her bath after Light's whispered words. She washed her hair, brushed her teeth and put on pajamas. Then, she politely asked me for a snack before bedtime. This is reasonable as at Wammy's House in England we share this tradition, and Sayu lacks the worldly knowledge to manipulate me into something like that. I agreed and am currently in the kitchen to prepare a snack.

Light is also dutifully well-behaved, and I'm almost willing to suggest that my previous notions of him might have been a delusion. Without prompt, he has made tea, and serves me first, and then his sister, and then himself. He also took charge of Sayu's snack himself and has brought a plate of chocolate chip cookies to the table. Napkins were passed around for all of us, implying that he is inviting me to share the treat as well. Sachiko's cookies look absolutely delectable, still gooey though they aren't fresh from the oven, and I'll be glad of Light's tea to wash them down.

After this, Sayu will go to bed, and if my luck continues there won't be complaint. Sachiko suggested a bedtime for Light at 2100 hours, and then the Yagamis will return at approximately 2300. I will ensure that this house is up to Sachiko's standards of cleanliness and her children are properly put to rest, and perhaps then she will invite me to more personal excursions with her (preferably her alone). A slim chance, but a chance it remains.

LIGHT: Did you try the tea yet, Ryuuzaki-san? It's apple cinnamon.

LAWLIET: No, not yet. I'm waiting for it to cool.

LIGHT: Oh...

LAWLIET: You seem concerned?

LIGHT: Oh, it's just I can tell you like sweet things and I didn't know if it was sweet enough. We have sugar cubes if you want more.

His words are smooth, but there is something in them that I can't quite trust. Mainly, it's the sudden display of thoughtfulness. No seven year old should be so concerned about a babysitter who they have already expressed mild disdain over. Light wants something, this much is obvious. My current hypothesis is that the juveniles want me to give a positive report to their mother, now that this adventure is reaching its closing point for them. I don't know what Sachiko's punishment and rewards system is like, but it's possible that they have a lot resting in what I tell her.

That would make sense but... what...

LAWLIET: That chair.

LIGHT: What?

LAWLIET: That chair moved. It was several centimeters to the left the last time I was in this kitchen.

LIGHT: No, it wasn't. How would you know that?

LAWLIET: From this position, it lined up perfectly with the grain of the table. I noticed this when I was eating pie earlier.

LIGHT: ...I might've knocked against it.

LAWLIET: No... Light-kun said he needed chairs to reach things that were too high... the... the medicine cabinet?

LIGHT: No!

LAWLIET: What did you put in this tea?!

click.

2104 JST:

They tried to drug me. Those little brats tried to drug me!

Apparently, their father and Sachiko's husband, works late and often has trouble sleeping due to stress at work. Soichiro Yagami therefore purchased sleeping pills for use in emergencies. Light, observant little juvenile delinquent that he is, is fully aware of his father's medicinal needs. He can read the instructions on the bottle (which I found in the front of the medicine cabinet, the lid not even screwed on all the way - cursed 'child protection locks'), and he was able to deduce that the pills can be crushed into a powder form and applied to a drink for those who do not like swallowing pills. Or those who aren't supposed to know that they are about to be put to sleep.

The next half hour went something like this: I pulled Sayu up the stairs to her room, and the girl was so guilty she didn't even try to complain. I threw her into her bedroom and shut the lights off and the door closed, and when she wailed about being frightened of the dark, I told her that she had more to be frightened of when her mom came home.

Light made it clear that he wasn't defeated yet and declared war when I came down the stairs. The evidence of tea drugging was down the drain of the sink and the cups neatly rinsed. With the chemically-enhanced liquid gone I'm aware that I can't prove what he tried to do in court, which means that vigilantism is in order.

I was especially determined to convict the boy after the bucket of crayons that were on the top shelf mysteriously seemed to have fallen over in my absence, and hundreds of rainbow sticks of wax were scattered across the carpet. It seems that he now wants to create the biggest mess possible so that a) I'll be forced to clean it up, or b) no one will and Sachiko will blame me for the chaos in her once-neat house.

Light himself is nowhere to be seen, but he can't have left the house or I would've heard the door open. I have seen him just once since I put Sayu to bed - he was behind the couch and when I went to grab him, he bit me and drew blood (he will be paying my medical bill, if it means selling the brat to a child labor factory in some third-world country). He used my distraction of pain to escape again. He's highly evasive, I'll give him that.

I will hunt him down, and justice will be done.

Over.

2123 JST:

(whispered) By process of elimination, I now know where Light is. I believe that he's been moving during out the chase, but I've pinpointed his location to an upstairs hall closet where Sachiko keeps laundry. I've already seen the inside once and I know that the place can fit a small boy. I'm heading that way now and...

(raises voice) He has nowhere left to go.

(sound of door opening, and a boy's yelp) Found you.

LIGHT: Damn it!

LAWLIET: Oh, don't worry, Light-kun. I see that you like that closet and I have no intention of forcing you to leave. In fact, I also think that this is a good location for you.

LIGHT: ...You wouldn't possibly... you're bluffing!

(sound of door slamming shut)

LIGHT: Open this door right now, you-

click.

2154 JST:

I am currently sitting in front of the closet mentioned earlier in this journal, in which the child Light Yagami is involuntarily residing. I opted to keep him here in incarceration to neutralize the situation, but the closet doesn't have a lock so I have to press my weight against it. Light himself has been screaming and fighting to open the door ever since my last entry, as you can probably hear in the background.

LIGHT: Let me out of here! This is a closet! You can't do this!

LAWLIET: I can. I did. As the authority figure in this household it is up to my discretion to decide whether or not it's your bedtime, and where you must be put to bed since you'd try to escape your bedroom. And as I have deemed that you've been misbehaving, you can consider this punishment for your crimes.

LIGHT: No! Let me out or I'll tell Mom you're a bad babysitter!

LAWLIET: Your threats are meaningless, Light-kun. I'm only in Japan for a brief period and it's doubtful that I'll ever see you or your mother again anyhow.

LIGHT: (sounds of continued pounding against the door) You can't hold the door closed forever!

LAWLIET: You can't pound against it forever. Let's see who gets tired first. I am twice your age and twice your size.

LIGHT: (pounding stops. No vocals.)

LAWLIET: (three minute period of inactivity) I know you're still awake, Light-kun. I can see your feet from under the door.

I'm not sure if this is legal... I used this technique to rid myself of pesky children at Wammy's House, as you well remember, Watari. But Light is currently throwing a fit and threatening to call police on me and have me executed for child abuse. I'm certain that this is not the standard Japanese punishment for that particular offense but I am diligently trying to keep a low profile and police involvement would make my purposes here difficult to explain.

Just to be safe, I think I'll relocate hotels again and alter my alias after I've finished this mission, but the time frame that I'm working in depends entirely on if Light will fall asleep before Sachiko returns. If he does fall asleep, I can move him to his bed and he won't be able to tattle until morning (if indeed he still remembers). But I won't make any assumptions. He is proving a deadly adversary and I will freely admit now that I was ill-prepared.

2205 JST:

LIGHT: Ryuuzaki-san, are you there?

LAWLIET: Unfortunately.

LIGHT: I was planning to pretend to be asleep until you opened the door, but I bet you were also anticipating that. And we both know that if I'm not asleep when Mom comes home then you won't look the best trapping me in a closet. You may think you have the upper hand because you're older but she'll believe almost anything I say.

LAWLIET: I don't believe that you will be able to stay awake until your mother returns.

LIGHT: Maybe not, but if I succeed then it is you who has something to fear.

LAWLIET: Are you getting at something or trying to waver my resolve through fear tactics?

LIGHT: I want to talk, man to man, and make a deal. I can tell that you are specifically interested in leaving a good impression on Mom, and I can agree that it's in your best interest to please her.

LAWLIET: ...I assume you want me to let you out of the closet, but why should I trust you? And what do you have to offer in return? I don't need a towel.

LIGHT: We've had a lot of babysitters, and Mom doesn't pay a consistent wage. She will pay you more if she likes you, and she likes you if she's impressed upon her return.

LAWLIET: ...Fine, but you haven't answered. Why should I trust you?

LIGHT: Because you can't do it without me.

click.

2225 JST:

I have agreed to free Light, and the first thing that we did was pick up the crayons on the floor. I don't particularly think that I needed to help, but I would prefer to keep Light cooperative. Once that was done, he revealed his master plan: to bake a new batch of cookies and refill the cookie jar. I do not bake, as my recordings confirm from earlier, and I know now that Light obviously had ulterior motives as in his earlier attempt to drug me he missed his chance at snack time. Regardless, I admit that now I also have ulterior motives in a desire for more cookies and perhaps Light and I can successfully work together.

LIGHT: Ryuuzaki-san?

LAWLIET: Yes, Light-kun?

LIGHT: Before I go to bed, I just wanted to say that you're a fun babysitter.

LAWLIET: (pause, three seconds) You're having fun? I thought we were at war...

LIGHT: Sure. I've enjoyed it. Thanks for not being so boring.

LAWLIET: ...Your sudden sentimentality makes me suspicious that you have no intention to go to bed at all. What do you have planned now?

LIGHT: You're wasting your breath asking me.

I escorted Light to his bedroom after cookies and witnessed as he crawled under his blankets and closed his eyes with a small innocent smile. Now I will wait for Sachiko to return and amuse myself with pondering that she might secretly be as evil the children she bore, as well as prepare myself for whatever my newfound nemesis has planned next.

Over.

Author's Notes:

1. Yeah, year 1994. As in dial-up connection! D:

2. Though my OTP is L/Light, thinking that L was 14 when Light was 7 squicks me big time, so L is currently crushing on the mother until the son is of age. XD

3. Written for the Week #11 Prompt, Children at the LJ community dncontest

Thanks for reading.

-Serria