Drawn to Your Darkness, Addicted to Your Light
Warning: Sex, a little disturbing I'm told. Other than that, I think it's pretty clean.
Disclaimer: Don't own. It's a good thing too cuz I would never get enough done to create both a manga and an anime.
A/N: Sorry for the delay. I was out of town for five days. Apparently writing on a laptop when you have company is rude but secluding yourself and drawing isn't so I drew a little pic to go with chapter one. I tried a few others but this was the only one decent enough to make the cut. It's not good cuz the houseboat was rocking and I don't really want to fix it. Link at the bottom of the story. I also have been working a lot lately and haven't had the time I usually do to write. Again, I'm sorry.
Okay, here are those shout outs that have been well earned. If you didn't review last chapter, you may not be here. Sorry. Please everyone give these a read. These people keep me writing!
Dark Auroran: I'm so delighted that you gave this a shot. I've been enjoying your story and so appreciate your dedication to my work. Don't worry, I miss writing societal gap. I need the comic relief now too. I've been too caught up in this angsty mess for WAY too long!
My dear Randomly: Thanks so much for reading. I'm glad you liked it and I'm glad you didn't go crazy!
SlockS, Reeby10, Faramirlover: I'm sorry I made you cry. I cried when I was writing it, how sad is that? Your reviews seriously brightened my week. I didn't get many reviews for the last chapter and yours were both substantial and uplifting. Everyone give these three thanks as they helped me get this up quicker.
Ryu earth and Filmfreaksje: Glad you liked it. Thanks for reading. Hope you like this chapter too!
Jazzy2may: Such a loyal reviewer. I really do appreciate that you take the time.
Dani, Milly and Ivy: I'm delighted you reviewed. I've been told not to expect it on AFF so it's always a delightful surprise to receive warm receptions like that. Cheers!
Akuma Memento Mori: Thanks so much for reading. EVERYONE, IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR MORE ITAIRU STORIES, THERE IS A THREE PART STORY ON HER PAGE. THE FIST PART IS CALLED SORROWFUL GOODBYE. GIVE IT A READ!!
Tai-sensei: You rock! Your review totally reenergized me. I love getting your sizeable reviews. Those good waves you keep sending me are truly a gift and I'll always send you my cheers as a response. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Michelerene and Phantomsnow: You two are my sounding board, my confidence boosters and pretty much the sole reason I continue to write. I love you both, is there more I can say?
Okay, there will be another A/N at the end of the chapter but that's enough for now. Enjoy!
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Two years. Two years since that hellish day when Itachi had been captured and then left him forever. It was hard to believe that it was that long. Time had been moving so quickly, especially since Naruto got back from training with Jariya about nine months ago. Iruka'd been both crushed and thrilled to hear news of Itachi when Gaara was kidnapped. Would Itachi do the same thing to Naruto? The news of Itachi himself hadn't made him feel much better. He'd sat in Kakashi's hospital room trying not to look sick as his friend told him about Itachi's worsening eyes in hushed whispers so that they wouldn't be overheard.
The whole experience would have been hell without the support of his best friend. Kakashi had been compassionate and sheltering after Itachi's departure. He'd taken quite the lashing from both Tsunade and Ibiki for his role in helping Itachi escape. Iruka had explained everything to the pair, Ibiki had diagnosed it as a case of extreme Stockholm syndrome and the Hokage had proclaimed that no one other than them ever know the details. He'd kept his word to the raven though and not said a word about the slaying of the Uchiha clan. He had however made quite a scene one day in the market when he spotted the female council member.
Iruka was striding down the street with Kakashi, as usual, at his side when he saw the old woman. Something inside him snapped and he walked away from Kakashi in the middle of a conversation.
The old woman looked up to see the missions' office clerk glaring down at her with cold hate that made her shiver. Iruka leaned down and whispered icily to her, her eyes flying wide as she looked up at him. Kakashi approached his friend and the council member, who looked closer to death than usual. He grasped Iruka's arm in question when he saw the frightening expression on his friend's face. The chuunin shook him off and spoke again, not bothering to keep his voice down.
"I can't believe those are the kind of decisions you make. You're monsters! All of you!" Kakashi immediately began dragging Iruka from the tea house, the brunette thrashing in his arms while screaming at the old woman.
"It's not right! You ruined him. He was the best in the village and you tossed him aside like trash!" Kakashi shot an apologetic glance at the old woman as he pulled Iruka away.
It had been around the time that Kakashi was in the hospital that Iruka had decided to give the man a shot. He'd know for a long time that Kakashi loved him but the thought of admitting that he had romantic feelings for his friend had always seemed like he was betraying Itachi. Even a year after the incident Iruka had pulled away when the jounin had leaned in to kiss him. Kakashi had been hurt but he never said a thing. It was only when he'd heard that his best friend was in the hospital that he realized how afraid he was to loose Kakashi. It was on the ninth day of his hospital stay that Iruka finally worked up the courage to show the silver haired nin how he felt.
Iruka sat on the side of his friend's bed and they laughed about Naruto and Sakura's new, emotionally retarded teammate. Iruka took a deep breath, his chest feeling tight in anxiety. He knew he liked Kakashi, he knew he was tired of being alone and depressed but he still wasn't sure if he was ready for this. Every time he thought about moving on the hurts somehow all seemed fresh again.
"Are you okay?" Kakashi's voice shook him out of his thoughts and he looked at his friend and smiled.
"I'm fine."
"Really? 'Cause you had a look like you might be sick. Are you sure you're alright?"
"Yeah…I think I am." He slipped his hand into the pale one before him, stroking the callused skin with his thumb. Kakashi furrowed his brows in confusion. He'd gotten so used to not throwing himself at Iruka that this moment seemed alien to him. The movements so deliberate they were almost in slow motion, Iruka leaned forward and tucked the fingers of each hand under the hem of Kakashi's mask. He hesitated, waiting for Kakashi to stop him but when the jounin didn't move, just stared at him in awed bewilderment, he slowly slid the fabric down the pale cheeks.
Iruka's chest tightened when the handsome face was revealed. Kakashi looked similar in so many ways to his lost love. The strong, pointed jaw was elegant and the pale, thin lips were almost mirror images of Itachi's. Tan thumbs caressed the defined cheek bones and the visible eye closed, the perfect lips parting in longing.
Kakashi opened his eye and lifted himself off the pillows, leaning forward until their faces were half a foot apart, leaving enough room for Iruka to pull away. But the chuunin didn't pull away, instead leaning forward closing the space between them to a singular inch.
"'Ruka…" Kakashi wanted so badly to lean forward but he restrained himself. He just couldn't make the first move and be shot down again. He needed to know if Iruka was really ready for this, if he truly wanted him. He held his breath as the soft skin of the tan nose slid along his cheek, hot breath caressing the corner of his mouth. Unable to just enjoy the intimate moment, Kakashi broke the silence.
"'Ruka…are you sure you…"
"Yes." The breathy whisper was followed immediately by soft lips pressing against his and the jounin lifted his shaky fingers to Iruka's jaw, delicately deepening the kiss.
Iruka's mind raced as their lips moved slowly together. It was so different from the feverish kisses he'd shared with Itachi, softer, and not as heated. Kissing Kakashi didn't have the intense undercurrents that Itachi seemed to send into every moment. However…his heart raced as Kakashi's hand slid along his face, the movements so light that they almost seemed tentative. The moment was like slipping into a steamy bath with a cup of your favorite tea, warm and comforting in every possible way. Suddenly his mental image changed and he was leaning against his best friend's chest in the warm water, the jounin stroking his hair tenderly. It wasn't so much sexual as incredibly romantic. Yes, it was true what they say; it was never the same as the first time but it didn't mean that it couldn't be wonderful.
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Iruka smiled as Kakashi nuzzled his back and climbed out of the bed. He and the jounin had been dating for three and a half months and he had to admit that he loved it when Kakashi would stay over. He would hold Iruka all night and get up and make him breakfast in the morning. Even though they'd been seeing each other for a while they still hadn't had sex. Poor Kakashi had been beyond patient. He never even brought up his insatiable needs with his boyfriend, opting instead to look after himself when he got an opportunity.
Iruka had, about a month ago, walked into the washroom in the middle of the night after noticing his boyfriend's absence and found Kakashi in the shower masturbating furiously. He'd slid in silently behind him and wrapped his hands around his partner's aching member. Kakashi had tried to push him away, to tell him that it was alright and he didn't have to but Iruka hadn't relented and brought the jounin to a quick completion. He laid his cheek on the lean, pale back, his fingers tracing Kakashi's heaving abs. The jounin reached back and rested his hand on the small of Iruka's back. The moment shouldn't have been as uncomfortable as it was…but their relationship was uncomfortable in a lot of ways. Kakashi knew that even though Iruka cared for him, the chuunin was still in love with someone else, someone who, if the young man was given the chance, he would go back to in an instant.
Iruka wasn't opposed to looking after Kakashi. It actually made him feel needed. But for all that he was willing to do for Kakashi, he never let the jounin help him, he just wasn't ready for that. A couple of weeks ago he'd pushed away Kakashi's hands from his hardness after giving him a hand job and the hurt was evident in every part of the pale face. Iruka had kissed him and whispered his apologies but Kakashi had just pulled the tan body into him and muttered that he would wait forever if he had to for Iruka to be ready and they'd laid together in silence until the alarm clock buzzed half an hour later. It seemed that time was both their enemy and their ally.
/Flash back/
Iruka lifted his head off of Kakashi's chest. They'd both fallen asleep during the movie and he couldn't put his finger on what had pulled him out of the dream he'd been having. He stood up and walked absentmindedly from room to room trying to shake off his unease. Iruka paused by his dresser and tugged open his bottom drawer and sat cross legged in front of it.
His fingers trailed over the precious mementos from people he'd let go. The katana that belonged to his father and used to sit on the back wall of his living room lay on the right side of the drawer, still in two pieces. He'd get it fixed eventually and put it back up but for right now it still reminded him too much of the person who'd broken it. His mother's eye glasses and the book she used to read him almost every night when he was a child was were nestled on top of his favorite plush toy. He let his hands pass by a picture of himself and Mizuki when they were ten and had gone swimming in the river in the woods. He let the moving appendages rest on a rough, crayon drawing of him and a blue eyed blonde, smiling at the inscription. 'Happy birthday Iruka-sensei even if it does mean you're a year older.' He hadn't really let Naruto go of course but the teen was so much stronger than him now. Naruto didn't really need him anymore.
His hands moved to the bundles of fabric along the left sides, digging into them and wrapping his fingers along the cool, pliable metal nestled safely with in the folds. He snaked the chain around his fingers and pressed the pendant to his cheek. He slid the drawer closed and tucked his knees up to his chin, holding the chain out in front of him.
Iruka had stopped wearing the chain six months ago as his friends kept getting small burns as they hugged him or threw and arm out to comfort him. The straw that broke the camel's back happened one night when he was out at the bar and a very very drunk Izumo had pushed him into Kakashi and they'd tumbled to the floor together. As Iruka tried to sit up off the jounin someone tripped over them and the pendants swung forward and hit Kakashi square in his normal eye. Kakashi hissed in agony and shoved Iruka off his chest. The younger man watched in horror as his friend gripped his face and pushed blindly at the legs around him. Tugging off the necklace and stuffing it in his pocket Iruka rushed to the silver haired man's side.
"'Kashi! Oh gods, I'm so sorry! Are you alright?" Kakashi pushed Iruka's hands away and lifted his hiatai to reveal his sharingan eye making Iruka gasp at the familiarity of the icy glare in the crimson orb. "Kakashi…I'm sor-." Kakashi stood up abruptly and gazed down at his friend for a moment before mumbling coolly that he should get his eye looked at before stalking away.
The guilt that wracked Iruka was indomitable and unrelenting. He'd gotten up the nerve to visit Kakashi at home the next day and broken down sobbing when the door had opened to reveal Kakashi with both eyes covered, one by bandages and the other by a scarf. The jounin had just sighed and pulled Iruka into a tight hug, telling him that he was fine and that his eye would be better in a few days and that he was sorry for reacting the way he had in the bar.
Iruka had spent the next few days helping Kakashi around the house until the jounin's bandages were ready to come off. It was on that night that Iruka had placed the pendant in the drawer with the cloak and shirt Itachi had given him. Holding on was hurting more than just him now.
Iruka looked up from his knees and gasped as the all too recognizable feeling of an intense gaze on him settled into his bones. He looked around the room, adrenaline pulsing through his veins as he searched out his lost love. He began tossing the apartment recklessly, not even caring that the racket he was making had surely woken Kakashi. After searching the closet and under the bed he dashed into the bathroom, tearing down the shower curtain in his haste. As he skidded around the living room, he slammed into a body.
Kakashi had woken as the warmth of his boyfriend's body had left him but remained silent as Iruka wandered aimlessly around the small flat. He watched the tan body disappear into the bedroom and could feel strong emotions in the air a few minutes later. He sighed and rolled onto his back, stretching out on the couch. Even though they were dating now sometimes the distance between them seemed even wider. Maybe he should have made Iruka wait. Maybe it had been to soon…but when he held Iruka or the younger man would smile at him, his heart would soar and noting else in the world seemed to matter. His body tensed as he felt another presence in small apartment. He was about to get up to look for it but sounds of Iruka thrashing around in the bedroom stilled him. Seconds later a tan frame flew from the bedroom and into the bathroom. It was the look on Iruka's face, a look of pure hope, that sunk Kakashi into the realization that his boyfriend would never love him the way he loved Konaha's most wanted criminal as the tan body rushed from room to room, searching for the intruder. He felt the presence disappear from the room and he almost cried out for Itachi to stay, remembering the look of fierce determination and faint hope as Iruka had rushed past him. But the words wouldn't form and he stood up off the couch, walking slowly into the center of the room. It was then that Iruka flew from the bathroom and collided with him.
"He's gone. I'm sorry…if I hadn't been here…" Iruka's wail of despair caught in his throat as he looked at his boyfriend who looked guilty and dejected.
"But you are here. You're always here. Always here for me when I need you, even when I think I need to be alone." The tan arms slid around the lean neck and they embraced tightly.
"I need you Kakashi. You're so strong…a constant in my life ever since Naruto left with Jiraiya. Not fleeting or undependable. I'm…I'm sorry." Kakashi just tightened his grip and nuzzled Iruka's head.
"I'm no different Iruka. If Minato hadn't been there for me when Obito died I would have faded away. At least my wounds have healed," he gestured to his covered eye, "and my ghosts aren't literally haunting me." Iruka just tightened his arms again and buried his face in the pale neck.
"I…I don't want to feel this anymore!" Kakashi was startled as Iruka fisted his hair. "I don't want this emptiness, this sorrow. I…I just want to be grateful for what I have…but I can't! Why? Why can't I let go?" Kakashi sighed and pulled Iruka down to the floor with him.
"Only you will know the answer, and you'll only know the answer when it's thrust upon you. In time 'Ruka…in time you'll know." The chuunin sobbed against his shoulder, clutching onto him like a life line and he could feel some of the pain that Iruka had held so long, pain from losing his parents, pain from the betrayal of his childhood friend, pain and loneliness that had encompassed him for over a year and a half since Itachi's departure released in this moment that they shared.
Iruka stretched and grinned when the smell of food reached his nostrils. He could hear Kakashi humming and the sizzling of bacon and he pictured the silver haired man in his usual morning garb of boxers and a kiss the cook apron. Giggling he tucked his hands behind his head and closed his eyes.
"What's so funny?" Iruka cracked open one eye and laughed out loud when he saw that Kakashi wasn't wearing the white apron with the red lettering but the frilly pink one that had been Iruka's mothers'.
"Awww, 'Kashi, you look so cute!" The jounin lifted the edge of the apron and curtsied making the younger man hold his sides as he giggled. Kakashi grinned back at him.
"It's almost done. Are you getting up or should I serve you in bed?"
"Aha ha ha…no…I'll, whew…I'll get up." He extended his hands for Kakashi to help him up but instead of rising he pulled his boyfriend to the mattress. The pair tumbled around like children trading kisses and tickling until they were both completely tangled up in the sheets.
"Is something burning?"
The single storm grey eye widened.
"Breakfast!" Kakashi jerked himself upward and tripped as he tried to untie the sheets from his legs, sprawling out on the floor.
Two minutes later Kakashi was looking forlornly at the charred eggs in the frying pan which smelt…really bad. Iruka wrapped his arms up around the jounin's waist.
"Why don't I take you out for breakfast?" Kakashi hung his head as if the eggs had bested him in battle.
"I should buy, I'm the one who ruined the food." Iruka smiled and turned his sulking boyfriend around, pecking the thin lips.
"And if I hadn't distracted you then we'd be eating already. Now go get dressed." The pair quickly pulled on clothes and took the crispy remains of the eggs and bacon out with the trash. Smiling widely, Iruka slipped his hand into Kakashi back pocket and gave a playful squeeze of the taught musculature beneath his fingers. Kakashi groaned and rolled his eye.
"You know teasing is a form or torture, right?" Iruka grinned a little wider and squeezed a little harder at the comment. They settled into a table at a small outdoor café and looked over the menu while playing footsy under the table and avoiding listening to the gossip mongers who were in a group just down the street. As their food arrived one of the group broke off and caught a young chuunin just in front of the patio they were eating on.
"Did you hear? Sasuke Uchiha is coming back to the village!" The fair haired chuunin gasped and gripped his friend's shoulders.
"Get out! He's just…coming back?" Kakashi and Iruka's attention was now solely on the pair, their cooling food forgotten.
"Yeah! The little, blonde spitfire is bringing him back!"
"I don't believe it!" Kakashi and Iruka's fingers met on the table and neither of them breathed for fear that the moment would be lost.
"I know. Apparently after Sasuke killed his brother there was some big secret that came out and the little Uchiha is coming to speak with the council." Kakashi stared at Iruka whose lips were moving but no sound was coming out, neither was any air if the funny colours his face were turning were any indication.
"He killed Itachi? Itachi Uchiha is dead? That's the best news I've heard in ages! Do you remember a couple of years ago when he was caught assaulting a chuunin?"
"I heard he was raping him! What a sick fuck, ne?" The conversation moved back to Naruto and Sasuke and their soon return to the village, forcing Kakashi's eyes back to the pair of gossipers as he listened in shock. He squeezed Iruka's fingers to make sure the younger man was alright but was surprised to find that the fingers had been removed and he was gripping the rough weave of a napkin and the money for the breakfast. Sighing Kakashi hauled himself to his feet and transported himself to Iruka's bedroom. He'd been expecting to find Iruka either on the floor in front of his drawer of memorabilia or curled up on his bed like a child but after a quick search it was clear Iruka wasn't in the apartment. He decided to go to the Hokage to find out if the rumor was true before taking up the search again.
Iruka wasn't sure how he ended up in the woods at the top of the hokage monument but here he was, shaking and nauseous, his body wracked with emotion. He's dead. Iruka felt his stomach lurch and he fell to his knees, the world spinning violently. He's dead. He gripped at the grass under his hands, his body trembling. A scream of mourning shattered the silent air but Iruka barely even heard it even as it tore from his throat. He's dead. The chuunin's world collapsed around him as the reality of the situation slowly set in to his stubborn brain.
Itachi was dead. Sasuke had killed him. He alone knew the truth about who one of the village's greatest hero was, really was. Spilling the contents of his stomach, the lovely breakfast he'd shared with Kakashi, he flopped on his back and unabashedly let his grief overwhelm him. He lay in the tranquility of the early morning sun, tears streaming down his face as he remembered the gentle, pale, possessive hands roaming his face and body, the intense heat that radiated from their forms as they moved together in hungry synchronization, the look of sorrow and love in the obsidian pools as Itachi disappeared from his apartment. His first and only romantic love was gone, never to return to him again, his musky smells and muscular body already fading into a distant memory. Iruka clutched his chest as a pang of loss deeper and more powerful than he'd ever felt before gripped him completely. So cold, so lost…so alone.
'How could you do this to me, Itachi? How could you leave me when you knew you were going to die? How could you just let Sasuke kill you when you knew how much I loved you, how much I needed you?' He sobbed silently for hours, immersing himself in the blackness of the sunny day.
Kakashi gazed at the hokage, his expression bored but his mind a buzz with everything that Tsunade had just told him. Itachi was indeed dead but Sasuke wasn't coming back to the village the joyous hero that everyone had expected. He was with Akatsuki now and was coming back to negotiate his terms with the council for reparations for their destruction of his clan. The knowing destruction of his clan. The council had ordered the young Itachi Uchiha to kill his entire clan before banishing him from the village. The things Iruka had said about Itachi were starting to line up.
Iruka. He must be so upset. Itachi must have told him the truth, Kakashi surmised. Tsunade looked distraught. He could see her turmoil over her harsh misjudgment of Itachi and her grief at not paying closer attention to what Iruka had been trying covertly to tell them.
"I need to know what I'm dealing with here, Hatake." She sighed deeply and he could see that she didn't want to ask what she was about to. "The council is giving me nothing and Danzou is just as tight lipped. I…I need you to bring Iruka to me as soon as possible." Kakashi sighed and shook his head.
"He's not going to want to talk about it. In fact I don't think he'll give even you the time of day. He's…he's so angry. I swear he almost killed Koharu-san one day in the market. Iruka…he maybe moving past this but he's not forgotten the village's betrayal of Itachi…or of himself." Tsunade nodded.
"I understand he must be disillusioned with everything right now but I need you to get through to him. If he still gives a damn about the village or any of its inhabitants he needs to tell me whatever it is that he knows. You must make him see reason. Do whatever it takes Kakashi but get it done. Do you understand?" Kakashi nodded and disappeared from the room with a pop.
It seemed like he'd looked everywhere but no one had seen any sign of Iruka. He'd been searching for twelve hours straight but every time he thought he was getting closer the trail went ice cold.
"Iruka…please tell me where you are…please tell me you haven't done something foolish." The chances that Iruka had been stupid enough to leave the village were small. He'd be considered a missing nin and the hunters would be after him by midnight leaving Kakashi only four hours to find him. His heart ached at the thought of Iruka hunted down like an animal. Deciding he'd check home once more before recruiting help, he teleported into Iruka's apartment and collapsed at the table. Everything was just as he'd left it the last time he'd been back to check if Iruka had returned. Everything except…
Kakashi lifted the hastily scribbled note from the table. The writing hadn't changed; still an urgent plea for his boyfriend to let him know where he was, but the note wasn't tucked under the pen as it had been the last time he was here. Standing slowly Kakashi poked his head into their bedroom. The bottom drawer of Iruka's dresser was open and the jounin couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief. A shifting on the bed drew his attention. As he looked up Iruka drew the blankets over his head.
"Please go away 'Kashi." The jounin almost complied when the chuunin's words from months ago crossed his mind.
'You're always there for me, even when I think I need to be alone.' He tried to ignore how the covered body tensed as he climbed onto the bed.
"Please…just go. I don't want you to…" Iruka's words trailed off as the blankets were tugged off his head to reveal his tear stained face and his Akatsuki cloak covered neck. Kakashi stared for a minute before pulling his boyfriend tight to his body.
"I'm so sorry, Iruka. Sorry for your loss." The chuunin wanted to shake off the jounin's strong grip but as soon as the long, thin arms slid around him the fear and loneliness that had permeated his very soul all day seemed to melt away. He fisted the front of Kakashi's uniform and buried his face in the warmth of the lean neck. He suddenly felt odd crying over his dead love while his boyfriend gently stroked his hair.
"It's okay, 'Ruka, let it out." The gentle command broke his resistance and he sobbed into Kakashi's chest. For god knows how long, Iruka cried while his boyfriend murmured softly in his ear everything that he needed to be told, that Itachi was a hero, that the Uchiha hadn't deserved the horrible life that had been forced upon him and that no matter what happened or what the chuunin decided, Kakashi would always love him.
Suddenly a fierce heat rolled through the tan body and the dark mask was yanked, the full lips sucking and nipping urgently at the thin, pale pair. The jounin grunted and pulled back as the wide, pink tongue began sliding along his jaw.
"'Ruka…"
"Please help me feel. I just want to forget, just for a while. Please…I need this. I need you." All Kakashi could do was nod at those words and try to slow down their frantic grappling. Kakashi slid the red and black coat the floor, disregarding what it meant that Iruka still had it. Soon they were both naked, their searing skin sliding together. Kakashi tried desperately to ignore the choked sobs from his lover but this was not how he wanted their first time to be. It didn't matter though. He'd do anything to show Iruka how much he loved him, even if it meant that the first time he'd taken this act with any sincerity he'd only be easing the hurt Iruka was feeling over the loss of someone that he did love. Swallowing his sigh, Kakashi moved to press a finger into Iruka's body but the chuunin knocked his hand away and slathered a handful of lube on Kakashi's cock and guided it to his entrance.
"Iruka, stop. I don't want to hurt…"
"Please. I need it. I need it to hurt. Please 'Kashi." The tan hands clawed frantically at the pale back and hips as the jounin pulled away. Iruka saw that what he was asking hurt his boyfriend but he felt like he would shatter into a million pieces if he didn't have something physical to distract him from his emotional torment. He watched the conflict bubbling in his boyfriend as they sat in the most uncomfortable silence imaginable.
"Kakashi…please…" His desperate plea was cut off as the pale lips captured his in a bruising kiss and strong hands wound into his hair tightly. He threw his head back and wailed in pain as his kind and considerate boyfriend hilted himself in a single thrust. Tears rolled down the sides of his face but the release the hurt offered as it raced up his spine took his mind completely off his aching heart. Kakashi didn't move for several minutes, his breath ragged as he waited for Iruka to adjust. When the tan hands ran up his back he tilted the dark head back and buried his face in the long column of Iruka's neck as he moved in and out of the abused passage.
Iruka choked and sobbed as Kakashi thrust into him again and again, the stabbing pain beginning to mix with pleasure as his prostate was struck repeatedly. His breathing evened out and he carded one set of fingers into the soft, silver hair. He released a throaty moan, as Kakashi kissed his neck.
"Harder." The force and speeds of the assaults on his body increased immediately as the firm grip in his hair tightened, sending adrenaline coursing through is veins. The dark lips parted at the delicious numbness that seeped into his bones. Noticing his neck and chin were damp, too damp to be from sweat or saliva, he shifted his other hand to Kakashi's face, lifting his chin. The sight was enough to break his heart all over again. The usually bored, mismatched eyes were brimming with tears, the pale cheeks red and raw.
Iruka felt like he'd been kicked in the stomach. He'd been so wrapped up in his own misery that he hadn't even given much thought to what this was doing to Kakashi. But now, seeing his pillar of strength folding like a cheap shirt because he'd demanded, begged, this man, who loved him, to fuck him so hard that it was all but rape was as devastating as losing Itachi in the first place.
"Oh 'Kashi." He pulled the pale face towards him, kissing the thin lips gently. "I'm so sorry 'Kashi." The silver spikes wobbled as Kakashi shook his head and tried to hide his face, still moving in and out of the taught body.
"Stop." The lean, body halted instantaneously and the jounin turned to face his boyfriend. Iruka rolled them over, not letting the softening member out of his body. Cupping the raw cheeks he gently kissed his lover, his thumbs stroking the soft skin of Kakashi's temples. "I'm sorry, Koi." He forced a watery smile onto his lips as a shaky breath tore from the body beneath him. "Please make love to me, 'Kashi. Show me I haven't ruined the only thing that makes my life worth living." Long, pale arms encircled him and their mouths met in the slowest, deepest kiss they'd ever shared. Iruka felt strong legs hook over the back of his knees and not breaking the tender lip lock he began to slowly rock backwards. It took several minutes of gentle, tentative movements before the jounin was responding, lifting his hips to meet Iruka's downward strokes but kept avoiding Iruka's eyes. The brunette nuzzled the pale jaw, whispering in the older man's ear.
"Kakashi…oh, Koi. I'm so sorry. I love you. I love you so much. I'm sorry. That was so selfish and stupid of me. I needed this, your tenderness, your love. I love you, Kakashi." Strong, lithe arms tightened around him.
"I love you too." Kakashi's response was a hoarse whisper, one that sounded uncertain and maybe even disheartened, making tears spring anew to the chocolate eyes.
By the time they had finished both of them were crying again, whispering 'I love yous' to one another. Afterward they lay in silence for almost an hour, neither wanting to leave the sanctuary of each other's arms, neither wanting to talk or even think about what had just happened. Finally Kakashi shifted, stroking his lover's hair.
"The hokage wants to see you. She needs to ask about Itachi. It's…important." Iruka winced and buried his face in the jounin's shoulder, not sure if he was ready to talk about it.
"I know it will be hard but it could mean a lot for the village. Lady Tsunade…" Tan fingers pressed to his lips, the brown eyes firmly glued to the ceiling.
"It's okay. I'll go talk to her." Kakashi eyes fixed on the distant look on the handsome, tanned face before nodding slowly and pulling on his clothes. Iruka sat immobilized as Kakashi got dressed. It was only when the jounin was completely clothed and shifting uncomfortably that Iruka snapped out of his daze and lifted his eyes to meet the single stormy grey orb.
"I meant it you know." Kakashi pretended not to know what Iruka was talking about and shrugged, turning away. Iruka caught his hand and pulled him down to sit on the edge of the bed with him. "I know this probably wasn't the best time to say it but…but I do love you, Hatake Kakashi." Iruka held the singled eyed gaze and slipped their hands together. The mask covering the handsome face shifted and Iruka was pretty sure Kakashi was smiling, either weakly or softly.
"I love you too. I've loved you for a long time now." Iruka smiled and drew their heads together until their foreheads touched.
"I know. You're the only thing that's made the past two years bearable and…and I would never be able to forgive myself if I lost another chance to tell someone that I love them."
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The meeting with the Tsunade had been terrible but somehow freeing. The couple had entered the office to find it occupied by only a very miserable Godaime and a hunter nin. Tsunade had surprised everyone by letting fat tears of relief roll down her face as she leapt up and pulled Iruka into her arms. She had gritted her teeth but remained mercifully silent as Iruka had recounted every word about his time with Itachi and what the Uchiha had told him. Guilt welled up in his chest knowing that he had broken his promise to his lover but somehow he thought that Itachi would have wanted it this way, this was for Sasuke and the village after all. By the end of his tale Iruka was in tears, Kakashi had turned his back and seemed very interested in a spot on the wall, though the slight trembling in his shoulders told Iruka that he'd been listening and was feeling extremely guilty about his part in their separation, and Tsunade…Tsunade was muttering to herself about choosing a new council.
"Thank you Iruka. I have one more thing to ask of you." Iruka nodded, wiping his raw cheeks. "I'd like for you to be a part of meeting with Sasuke. It would be a show of good faith to have someone there who cared about his brother and…could speak for him." The tan face looked gaunt and ashen at her request.
"I…I…don't think…I can do that." Tsunade nodded and turned her chair to face the window.
"I know it's asking a lot but if you would at least think about it…The meeting will be in three days. You have until then to decide." Iruka nodded even though the blonde couldn't see him he knew she had understood the silence. She turned her head to the side, giving the chuunin a view of a sliver of her face. "I'm sorry for your loss, Iruka." The brunette swallowed thickly and nodded again, unable to get his throat to form words.
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Kakashi squeezed Iruka hand in reassurance. The chuunin looked like a soft breeze would knock him over as he gazed down the street. How could Tsunade have possibly thought this was a good idea? Sasuke would be arriving any minute in the company of Naruto, Sakura and two members of the reformed Akatsuki and Iruka looked like he'd rather be walking on hot coal than here at this moment. Iruka's grip tightened as a murmur spread through the crowd. They were coming.
Iruka began to panic the instant the shapes of the figures could be seen down the road. He was lined up in front of the Hokage tower with Tsunade, the council members two ANBU and Kakashi, who was now wincing from his crushing grip. At the head of the approaching pack was the spiky haired raven he'd been so dreading seeing again, flanked on each side by his old teammates, a platinum blonde he didn't know and…his stomach tightened as he saw Kisame on the far right flank. The chocolate gaze shifted back to the head of the group. The black eyes weren't the same as the young orphan's he'd taught years ago. They were so dispassionate, cold, piercing…familiar. Iruka turned to Kakashi in utter horror.
"I can't do this!"
"Iruka…"
"No! I can't…I'm sorry but I can't. I have to get out of here. Tell Lady Tsunade I'm sorry."
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Sasuke scanned he small group in front of him. It was so bizarre to see all these familiar faces looking at him like he was a hero. If only they knew. Movement drew his attention and his jaded, obsidian eyes scanned down the line of people to where Iruka was whispering frantically to Kakashi. He watched in veiled surprise as the jounin pulled the shorter man towards him, squeezing him tightly and nuzzling the dark temple. Iruka met his gaze for an instant, revealing the fear in the dark brown eyes. Kakashi pecked the bronze forehead and Iruka leapt on to the rooftops, not looking back as he sped away, the cool black gaze following him the whole way. Sasuke glanced at Kisame who gave him a knowing and grim, toothy smile. Sasuke turned back to where Iruka had disappeared.
'Interesting…'
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Four hours later Iruka was still in his classroom hiding…not that he'd admit he was hiding. He'd already feverishly finished all of his marking, finished reviewing the backlog of mission reports, reorganized his desk and the supply closets, polished the training kunai and shurikens and was now washing his black boards to a polished state of novelty. He tossed the cloth back into the bucket of water and stared at the boards in triumph. I guess the way to get himself to work like a madman was for him to be so stressed out that he felt like vomiting. He'd somehow managed to do a day's worth of work in three hours and then had to find things to help him occupy the last hour. He smiled softly at the pristine boards and moved to pick up the bucket when a crisp voice cut through the air and made him jump a foot and spill the grungy water all over the floor. He would have been glad of another menial task and started cleaning the floor if it had been any other voice.
"Busy hands are a pleasant distraction, ne? I can't tell how often I found useless shit to do while I was in Sound." Iruka couldn't stop his body from turning to face the youngest Uchiha, his eyes sliding over the pale face and dark hair before resting on the icy, black eyes. His teeth pressed into his full bottom lip, completely unable to tear his gaze away.
"You look like you've seen a ghost, Iruka-sensei?" The brown eyes squeezed tight as if trying to purge his mind of images and he turned to face the window. He gazed out at his beloved village and for the first time he wished he had lived and grown up somewhere else, somewhere far away from Uchihas.
"What do you want Sasuke-ku…Sasuke?" The entire tan body tensed as he felt hot breath on the back of his neck, his body beginning to tremble as long thin arms that seemed somehow to be an exact mixture of Kakashi's and Itachi's wrapped around him. He held his breath as the pale forehead rested on his spine, his movements shifting from trembling to damn near convulsing. A crinkling sound made him glance down at the envelope being tucked under his fingers.
"I believe this is for you." The heat was instantly removed from his back as Sasuke stepped away. Iruka examined the once white paper, dirtied or more correctly covered with blood stains, this single word 'Chuunin' scrawled across in elegant, narrow letters. Iruka raised his watery eyes to Sasuke who was staring at him, a look of complete indifference on the pale face.
"It's over." Iruka wasn't even sure if he'd meant it as a question or a statement or how it had sounded when it left his lips. Midnight eyes clouded for a moment before becoming hard as steel.
"For some..." And with a pop the last Uchiha vanished leaving Iruka alone, clutching the envelope to his chest. With shaking fingers he tore apart the packet and pulled out the still pristine paper inside. As it unfolded he could see a single line scrawled across the page in the same perfect writing.
I love you.
Iruka released a shaky breath and slid down the wall to the floor reading the line over and over again. The words were simple but reading between the lines Iruka knew that in just those three words that Itachi had meant so much more. I love you, I miss you, I killed for you; if I could do it again, I'd die for you; I wish I could be with you; I want the best for you; I only want for one thing and that is your happiness. Sighing, Iruka stood, the letter still clutched in his hand. There was something that had to be done to make it right.
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Iruka hissed as he nicked his finger again. 'Almost done.' His kunai dug into the blue stone, finishing off the final letter. Brushing off the glass like fragments he gazed despondently at his work. Running his sore fingers over the sloppily engraved words he sighed and bowed his head.
"I'm sorry. You deserve better than my pathetic attempts to honor you but I didn't know if they'd put your name up here." He leaned back and sighed. "I miss you too. I wish things could have been different but some things are just too intense to last. I…I got your letter, Sasuke delivered it to me. I wish I could help him. I wish I could make him…stay. Move back to the village and live happily ever after like you never could. I guess happily ever after doesn't exist but at least we had happiness for a time." He sat before the memorial stone, reading Itachi's roughly hewn name again and again.
"Hey." He jumped slightly but relaxed as Kakashi's arms wrapped around him. "Defacing a sacred monument, Sensei? Hardly in your nature." Iruka sighed deeply and ran his fingers over the name again.
"He deserves to be here. He is one of the village's fallen heroes after all. It's so…sloppy. It feels unfit for him, everything he did was elegant and graceful." To his surprise Kakashi chuckled.
"I think he would have liked it…but if you don't…" The long, pale fingers flew through a series of hand signs and reached out, ghosting slowly over the carving. Iruka gasped as Kakashi's hand pulled back to reveal perfectly fashioned letters that looked like they belonged. "I've added chakra to the carving so that it can never be removed…unless Tsunade tries, then I'm not sure if it would hold up. But something tells me she won't bother with it." Iruka squeezed the cradling arms and leaned back into the shelter and warmth of his lover.
"I love you, 'Kashi." The masked nose caressed the side of his neck, the silver spikes tickling the side of his face.
"I know, I love you too." The setting sun gleamed off the dark blue stone making it sparkle majestically.
'Something lost, something gained. I'm not sure who 'they' are but 'they' do seem to be right often. Life goes on. No matter how deep the hurt, time and closure puts it right enough for you to continue moving forward. I loved Itachi Uchiha with all my heart and for a short time he was my whole world. I thought losing him meant that my world was over but in the end it was just the start of another. Life with Kakashi isn't perfect but I suppose no life is. I'm happy though…and that's what he wanted for me.'
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A/N: Okay, it's done. I know, they didn't end up together but that was always the plan. I really wanted to write something of a happy ending cuz super sad ending make me cry when I read them …so I hope this had some redeeming qualities. Now, to business. I pass the torch to you. Many people have said that they liked this pairing and that there are far too few ItaIru stories out there…so do something about it! I would love to read whatever you come up with and I'm sure my other readers would too, so give it a shot. If you can't take the angst write an AU or a twisted cannon story so that they can live happily ever after. I also will write a request one-shot for anyone who draws me a pretty picture as there are virtually NO ItaIru pics out there. Here's the link to mine, it's also posted on my page. Remember to remove the spaces
http: / yaoi-sustains-me .deviantart. com / art / Drawn-to-you-darkness-ItaIru-90737701
I know it sucks but beggars can't be choosers. Good luck and if you do write something, please let me know!!
Cheers and thx for reading,
Meg