Made To Be Broken

A/N: The song Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls doesn't belong to me. This is also a sister fic to my story Drunken Deals, but you don't have to read that to get this. You could look at it as somewhat of a prequel, as there are some elements in the story that have a bit to do with my other one, but it will still make sense to people who haven't read it. :D

And I'd give up forever to touch you,
Cause I know that you feel me somehow.
You're the closest heaven that I'll ever be,
And I don't want to go home right now.

And all I can taste is this moment,
And all I can breathe is your life,
And sooner or later it's over,
I just don't want to miss you tonight.

And I don't want the world to see me,
Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,
Or the moment of the truth in your lies.
When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive.

And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

Remus Lupin just wanted to go home. At least if he was at home he would be lying in his own bed, not one in the hospital wing. At least if he was home someone would talk to him, instead of sitting alone while everyone else was in their classes. When he was at home he had his mother, at school all he had was Madam Pomfrey, and she was a poor substitute, not letting his friends come see him when he needed them most. Still, he understood. None of them knew what he was and it would be dangerous to let them know.

There he was, staring up at the ceiling, sans full moon, completely normal, and yet he wasn't allowed to be released until later that day, whenever Madam Pomfrey felt he was fit to be around people. In her defense he was infinitely more emotional right after a transformation, but it wasn't as if he thirsted for blood and was going to jump the first Normal he found. That's what they were to him at this point. Normal. He was just a freak of nature, he shouldn't even be at Hogwarts anyway.

Somehow he had friends. This was probably the most surprising thing in his life thus far. Well, the whole werewolf thing was a close second, he had to admit. But the fact that he had managed to get and keep friends? That was something that Remus had thought was off limits to him ever since he had been bitten and everything had changed. With that he had become convinced that there was no hope for him, especially where people were concerned. Who would want to be friends with someone who could kill you once a month? Admittedly, people were friends with Lily Evans, but that was a completely different story.

They wouldn't want to be friends with him once they found out, Remus was sure. He rolled over in bed and buried his face in the pillow. Even after knowing James, Sirius and Peter for almost two years now, he wasn't sure what they would say. And he didn't even want to think about Lily. He was almost sure that, with the redhead, it wouldn't be so much a matter of his lycanthropy as it was about why he hadn't told her.

But his other friends…how would they react? James would never know what to say, would probably get angry about the whole thing. Maybe for the same reasons as Lily or perhaps for his own, but it only seemed natural that he would respond with fury at the situation. Peter, well, Merlin, he would assume that Remus had been looking at them with intent to kill since day one. Remus had been waiting for them to learn about werewolves; at least by that point his friends would understand what he was better. Because he was going to tell them, he knew he was. Whether he wanted to or not his friends had become an intricate part of his life, one of the most important parts and he couldn't keep it a secret for much longer.

Then there was Sirius. With Sirius Black it was a different issue entirely. The thing was, Remus had no idea what Sirius would think or what he would do. They weren't very close, him and Sirius. They didn't talk much, could never find any common ground to create a conversation from. Their interaction seemed to mainly consist of Sirius copying Remus' homework while Remus looked on with an air of disapproval. But what was he going to do? Anything to keep the only friends he had ever had. It was a far cry from the solitary days he had spent alone in his home, his mother keeping him away from everyone.

It wasn't that his mother didn't want him to have any friends or wanted him to be alone. She just didn't want to lose him like she had lost her husband, and though it was a rather selfish act on her part, Remus didn't fight back. He understood because he was scared of losing her in much the same way as she was scared of losing him. All of this resulted in him being fairly anti-social. Not to the point where he didn't talk or avoided others – he simply had no idea how he was supposed to go about making the friends he had always desperately wanted.

When he had done that, accomplished the feat that was so easy for everyone else, he was presented with a new dilemma. You're a werewolf, Remus, and you expect these people to accept you knowing that? So he simply wouldn't tell them, right? He would keep his problem from them for, what, years to come? Never tell the only people he trusted in the world besides his mother? His parents were two complete opposites of the spectrum. When his father found out his condition, he ran away and when his mother found out, she protected him.

In the end there were two paths his friends could take. They could run away or they could accept him – leave him alone to face the world or protect him in the end. Though he would like to think they would of the latter sort, he couldn't be sure. They all told each other everything, if you limited 'everything' down to 'what girl you fancy and how often you fight with your parents.' Both of those happened in abundance in Sirius and James' worlds, and they overtook the discussions the friends had.

There was no time for talks about werewolves.

The pillow was beginning to smell musty to Remus he turned around with a heavy sigh, only to let out a somewhat mangled cry. "What – are you doing here?" he choked out, surprised to see Sirius Black sitting on the bed next to his own, grinning deviously at him.

"Oh, you know, this and that," Sirius offered vaguely, waving his hand in the air absently. "James wanted to come but, wouldn't you know it, Minerva's given him and Peter detention for something I did, so I figured it was the least I could do to take his place and visit our little bookworm." The smile didn't leave his face, but his tone made Remus fear that maybe Sirius would rather be in detention with James than in the hospital wing with, as he so eloquently put it, their little bookworm. As if that was all he did – read.

"I – er, how did you get in here?" Madam Pomfrey was adamant about keeping people away from him for the time he spent in the wing, lest he get the urge to jump out at people and rip them to shreds. While the woman might have been a genius in the respect of medicine, she didn't seem to understand the mechanics of lycanthropy very well, or at least didn't want to take any chances.

Sirius' barking laugh was muffled by his own hand. "She doesn't know I'm here, she's…ah; let's just say she's busy with the mess that we created. Never trust a second year with a book on how to do memory charms, they're simply irresistible." He put a hand to his heart and grinned warmly. Remus could only imagine the havoc they had wreaked and flushed realizing that he had been the one to give the book to James just a few weeks earlier on the premise that he wanted to learn about how those sorts of charms worked. Remus was simply too obliging to anyone he called his friend.

"Who?" he asked, weakly, as he sat up in bed. He fell back against the wrought-iron headboard with a resigned sigh.

"Really, Rem, you have the audacity to ask who we did it to?" Meaning it had more than likely been aimed at Severus Snape, someone whom Remus found himself feeling steadily worse for these days. "I know, I know, your compassionate side is ready to burst and you just want to go off onto one of those little tirades you always start half-heartedly." Sirius bounced lightly on the bed with a laugh as Remus scowled. "Come on; don't be so serious, that's my job." Remus groaned out loud at the terrible joke and rubbed his tired eyes with the palms of his hands. "Alright, alright, that was uncalled for. In my defense, I don't have a filter."

"So I've noticed," Remus muttered, although he smiled at his friends. Sirius didn't smile though. He slipped off the bed and moved closer to Remus, then suddenly grabbed the werewolf's left hand and examined the forearm. "Erm, yeah, that's why I'm here," Remus explained quickly as Sirius stared at the deep cut that adorned his pale skin. "Fell, you know, not the most graceful person you've ever met." It was a pathetic excuse and he knew it. What, had he fallen once every month for the past two years? There was a bit of truth in the words though, he was by no means graceful. Remus caught himself by surprise when he felt the tears rising in his eyes.

After all, it bothered him, lying to his friends. He wanted them to know what he was, but he didn't want to lose them and he was so sure he would lose them if they knew what he was. The only solution was to lie about everything, as much as it hurt him to do so. "Well what in the hell did you fall on? Snivellus' nose?" Sirius asked, his eyes wide, meeting Remus' own.

Remus was forced to look away, afraid that Sirius could see his secrets in his amber eyes. "If I say yes will you stop asking about it?" he said finally, his voice barely a whisper as he pulled his hand away from Sirius' grasp.

"It's as if you don't know me at all," Sirius replied, sitting on the edge of the bed. Though his statement was lighthearted, the look on his face was somber. Remus knew he wasn't going to be getting away with anything this time. It was miracle that he hadn't been found out sooner. Good-bye to his friends, to Hogwarts and all the progress he had made. It had been fun while it had lasted. "Or maybe it's that I don't know you." Remus looked up, startled by the look Sirius was giving him. "That's it, isn't it? We've never really been close, have we, Rem? You'd tell James, I bet."

"I…don't know," Remus admitted, slowly. "I'm not supposed to tell anyone." His eyes were fixed on the cut on his arm, not sure where else to look but at the example of what he was. Honestly, it disgusted him, that he couldn't just be human. "You wouldn't want to be my friend anymore," he added softly, tears welling up in his eyes once more. He was a paradox, wanting to tell Sirius what he was so badly, but feeling powerless to do so. Everything would fall apart if he told his mate the truth – but wasn't it better that he knew? It wasn't like he was telling the entire world what he was, it was just Sirius.

Sirius was looking at him intently, not at the mark on his arm; he was just looking at Remus. "Take that back," he said, a lopsided grin forming on his face. "How else am I going to get all my homework done? I don't care if you're a bloody vampire, you still write the best essays out of everyone I know."

"A…vampire?" Remus asked, finding it almost laughable that Sirius was so close and yet so far off. "Sorry to disappoint, but I don't drink blood. Although it's not a bad guess, Sirius, just totally off. What are you basing my vampirism off of again?"

"Well James mentioned that Snivellus was so pale he ought to be a blood-sucker, so I thought maybe he bit you and – stop laughing!" Sirius cried indignantly as Remus laughed at his accusations.

"No, no, it's just – Snape as a vampire?" Remus said when he stopped laughing. "I'm not entirely sure how one becomes a vampire, but what you're describing is more like, erm, well, a werewolf than anything. Not that we're pale like Snape thought, I suppose that trait lies with vampires alone, doesn't it?" And he knew from the look on Sirius' face that he had slipped up. He had revealed what he was without meaning to and had hoped for a fervent moment that his friend wouldn't notice, but Sirius wasn't stupid and he chose this moment to be overly perceptive.

Mouth gaping open, Sirius didn't speak for a moment, then: "Merlin, if I had been paying attention in Astronomy I probably would have caught this, wouldn't I?" Remus looked at him in disbelief. "Last night was a full moon wasn't it? That would mean that – once a month you…that's why you're gone once a month, isn't it? The full moon comes out and your…your furry little problem makes itself known. Makes a lot more sense than what me and James had been speculating. This means you're a guy right?"

Remus couldn't help it; a smile appeared on his face at these words. "Yes, Sirius, yes, there's nothing to fear, I'm not of the female persuasion. I'm just your normal, well-adjusted, male werewolf. Have been for about seven years now. I've also," he added, raising his hand, "been a boy for the majority of them."

"Oh, shut up, maybe if you had let on to the fact that you're a – not a, well, that you're a – you could have told us, Rem," Sirius said, looking angry that he was being made fun of.

"I'm sure you would have handled the news excellently," Remus said, raising his eyebrows. He was already surprised that Sirius hasn't exploded at the news. Either the other boy was doing a great job at hiding was really going on in his mind or the situation didn't really bother him. But how could one his best mates being a werewolf not bother him? Shouldn't he be running away once he figured out what was going on? That was how Remus had come to expect people to act when they found out. Still, he reminded himself, he had never been sure what Sirius would think, but he wouldn't have imagined this.

"Well, gods, Rem, it's kind of awesome isn't it?"

"Awesome?"

"Wrong choice of words, sorry. You can't be mad at me for thinking so, though, right?" Sirius asked hopefully. "I mean, this is way more exciting than what James and I were thinking up and, admittedly, far less creepy. Do you, like, get to run around in the Forbidden Forest and kill trolls and stuff? My gods, I bet you're friends with unicorns," he said, breathlessly, undoubtedly thinking about the escapades of Remus John Lupin and his unicorn friends.

All he could do was smile at this. "Close. Actually I spend my nights in the Shrieking Shack. Not exactly a five-star hotel, but the best a werewolf can do in these parts, I suppose," Remus said with a shrug. "I've actually destroyed so much of the place I'm starting to take it out on myself. Case in point…" He lightly traced the newest addition to his soon-to-be scars and winced, he hadn't realized the cut was that fresh. After a few seconds of awkward silence, he finally said, quietly, "So you don't think it's messed up? You really mean it…that you'll still be my friend?"

"Look," Sirius said, grabbing the hand that Remus was using the trace his injury, "I think there's something to be said for the fact that you're going through this. Of course, I won't be telling my mum and dad anytime soon that you're a werewolf, but what kind of a friend would I be if I just threw you to the side because you were a bit different? Wouldn't that be stupid? It would be like throwing away two years of my life, really."

And he was right, Remus knew. Absolutely right. Remus had underestimated Sirius, always had. Just because he was a bit off, just because he did some crazy things, didn't mean that he wasn't capable of understanding. In fact, Remus mused, Sirius would probably understand better than anyone else, or at least accept him. It certainly was odd the way things had played out. "I don't want to tell them, you know," Remus said a bit later, after explaining the finer points of lycanthropy. 'Finer points' being that, no, he did not get the urge for blood and that silver bullet malarkey was nothing but.

"You're going to have to at some point," Sirius pointed out.

"I know," Remus said with a sigh. "But for right now can we just keep this to ourselves? After summer, the beginning of next year, I'll tell them." Sirius nodded and then stood up. "I was always going to tell you guys, just not this soon. But it feels better now – you knowing what I am." It felt like a weight had been lifted and things were only going to get better from here. Everything might have been broken, but at least someone knew what he was going through.

"You're wrong, I don't know what you are, Rem, I know who you are," Sirius said, thoughtfully. Remus, once again, felt like he was going to cry, but this time there were no tears to hold back, just an excess of emotions. He wasn't sure what prompted him to do so, but the next thing he knew he had grabbed Sirius into a hug and was holding onto his friend and Sirius was doing the same with him. For the first time in his years at Hogwarts he didn't want to go home, he wanted stay here with his friends more than anything else. "Besides," Sirius said, "we would have gotten you drunk at some point. It's much better that we found it out this way."

"That's reassuring," Remus said, pushing Sirius away with a grin.

"As far as I know, you're always more truthful when you're drunk," Sirius said, as he retreated away from the bed. "But it's almost time for lunch, and that means I must be off, Rem." He saw the dejected look on Remus' face. "Don't give me that look. I'll bring you back something before afternoon lessons start." Remus felt himself smile, if only because he hadn't eaten all day. "Oh, and don't be fooled, I will be getting you drunk one day and find out all of your secrets."

Remus made a mental note as Sirius left the room and as he felt a blush rise on his cheeks to never get drunk with the raven-haired young man, because there were some secrets he simply never wanted him, or anyone, to know. Being a werewolf was bad enough; other aspects of his personality could be kept at bay, for a few years at least. As he lay back in bed, Remus Lupin felt more alive than he ever had, more human than he had felt in seven years. A person, not a werewolf. Who I am…how interesting.

A/N: Want to know something confusing? If you do: the HP Lexicon has basically nothing on when this would have taken place. All it says is that it happened in 1973; based on one little statement that was made. So going off of that, I went for the end of their second year, with a bit of a twist. So I hope if you've also read Drunken Deals you can sustain yourself with this, although I will be updating that very soon. And if you haven't read it and liked this, well, go ahead and read it. :D Or don't, it's all good. Review even if you hate it.