If Walls Could Talk : The Only Logical Thing To Do Chapter 1, a vampire knight fanfic

Author's Notes: A pleasant moment to you, dear reader (Glozinga,if you're reading this, HI!! thanks for reviewing NightClass interview!!), and welcome to my second Vampire Knight fan fic. Take your time to relax first, before I inform you of what land you have stumbled upon. ... ... ... done? alright, I'll clear up the general things first.

# 1: THIS IS A YAOI FANFIC. boy to boy, malexmale, homosexual, 'crooked', okama, doseiaisha love... I don't know how to say boy love in any other language, sorry. But yes, do not expect good things for Yuuki/Yori/Ruka/Rima/Seiren/Shizuka/Maria here... that is, if I somehow forget their existence and manage to slide them in here... (not bloody likely- though there is a chance that Ruka may appear, I do like her quite a bit...) But yeah, expect only bashing for these women. The boys take center stage here!

# 2: No, I didn't get confused with their names there, this really is a KaTaku-- that is, a story concerning Akatsuki Kain and Takuma Ichijou.

mini-story on how the author actually got this idea to be found at the end of the fic with these symbols : ()

# 3: DISCLAMIERS!! I do not own the sparkles, the hotmansickle-ness of Akatsuki, the purdiness and sexuality of Takuma, the characters themselves (Matsuri Hino would be outraged if she found out how I've been using them...!), King Henry and Queen Eleanor, Echo, Envy... uh... the cookies, the songs you will find are courtesy of lyricsdomain and the Indigo Girls (specific song titles are found at the bottom)... uhn... uhm... and anything else... whatever I forget, you know I'm not rich nor gutsy enough to own.

Next up, I know this pairing has rarely crossed anyone's mind. We're all rarin' for that predestined (or so we believe) scene of KanZeKan, ShikiIchijou or Victims (KainAido)... then there's the secondary considerations of Kiryuucest (not to offend any Kiryuucest shippers out there), KanameIchijou, KanameAido, TogaZero, TogaCross... then comes the almost shushed up pairs like KainZero, KanameKain, TogaIchiru, ZeroShiki (not to offend any of these pair's shippers out there). But I decided to just duke it out and ended up with this pairing. More notes on this after the fic.

Ok, have I gotten you nice and riled up? I sure hope so...

Now, may I present the product of four days straight typing, my uncle Havoc's laptop, a collaborative epic fic/movie with Kazuya Arsashi (you so saw this coming Kazu, you told me so) and lots of arguments with my younger brother, my conscience and my love for all things wacked...

If Walls Could Talk

"The evil ego and the vice of pride, is there ever anything else that makes us take our different sides?
I wanted everything to feed me.About as full as I got was of myself... and the upper echalons of mediocrity
after the battle and we're still around, everything once up in the air has settled down
sweep the ashes let the silence find us, a moment of peace is worth every war behind us.
You and me of the 10,000 wars."

Characters: Akatsuki Kain & Takuma Ichijou

Part One: The Only Logical Thing To Do

If time could be controlled, if it could hold still for maybe an eternity or two, neither of them would be so distracted at the moment. Surely an eternity - an eon or three, a year, an hour, maybe just one more minute - surely that would be enough time for them to forget.

But the question remained: Did they want to forget at all?

"Ichijou-senpai."

The deep toned voice brought me out of my reverie, an oft repeated cycle I can't say I've enjoyed (then again, I can't say I haven't), and I turn to look at perhaps the only person I could faze (with some careful planning ) and in turn, one of the few who could faze me (without any planning whatsoever). I blink my eyes at him, and think off handedly, why do the sparkles(1) never seem to work on him?

"Yes, Kain?"

But now is evidently not the time for such thoughts. Behind me, seen through the window whose heavy drapes I've just pulled shut, I can still picture them- Kaname and his precious Zero Kiryuu (I never wondered why I was never jealous of Yuuki, I knew Kaname's feelings for her were shallow-- but this was different) under the shade of a particularly large tree, and I stop myself from confirming as fact that either a) they were napping together or b) they were kissing again. It was a waste of my time, and it was frivolous thinking at its limit.

Frivolous, because it is so consistent that I am beginning to feel mildly sick about it. Green always was my color.

He shot the drapes a long look, as if by doing so he could gauge my entire being and thus know how to further deal with me. Knowing Kain, that is probably true.

"Yagari-sensei wanted to speak with you about something, later before the Day Class students end class. He'd like you to come to the Headmaster's office, along with Shiki." he said, with the practiced air of someone who would seem to discard all information given, but in truth was committing everything to mind. Perhaps that's why I've always liked his company; he was like me in many ways.

I nod, thinking it was probably about the hunting again and glance at his profile. His eyes are twin sunsets, and they are attempting to pin me down. His mouth is set in a thin line, as always when he is thinking, and his head is tilted barely to the left. There is every sound of submission in his voice, a cold and unavoidable submission, but his posture spoke against it. He came here for something more than that message, and he was trying to see if I'd call him out on it.

I have never backed down from a challenge, specially not from such a wonderful opponent.

I lean against the window panes, knowing full well that if anything at all were to happen, anything that I wasn't entirely prepared for, I could simply jump out of the window, nevermind what Kaname and his precious thought. I knew this, and yet it felt as if I were leaning against a brick wall when those eyes finally caught mine.

My arms halted their movement, so I could only get my right hand halfway up my left forearm, and my feet were almost toe to toe. I radiated vulnerability, and I didn't like it, but neither could I have done anything else at the moment.

Worst of all, my throat was dry. Words had always been my best weapon, the katana aside, and not being able to speak- to denounce by bravado my insoucient lack of demeanor- scared me more than my grandfather did. How did this challenge run so deep so quickly?

"Ichijou-senpai." his voice has the same effect as when Kaname calls me. I freeze, but I am given speech again. But I am vulnerable, to a pair of sunset's.

"...Yes?" he stands straighter now, this Akatsuki Kain who comes as he pleases in the depths of my darkness, and I resist the urge to flinch away from the vindictive look in his eyes. He knows too much, a phrase I've never heard shushed up around me, but now I am the one who is thinking it.

He is infront of me, in the way I would have never let anyone else be.

"You're shaking..."

If I were to place bets at who would win this new game of ours, I would probably bet against myself. After all, I'd known that I'd lose even before he came, that being the only logical thing to do.

(but who ever said I was being logical?)

We've played this game before.

Up to now, I think that he has not realized the way this would mark us so clearly, scar us so deeply and shatter in us whatever form of reason we had before each other. It used to amuse me, the way he would initiate the game; a flick of a wrist, a twirl of a lock of hair, a batting of long light eyelashes. Physically, this was the best way. But sometimes he deviated from that- a tilt of a smile, a whisper, a laugh so profoundly hollow that I could not help but look.

He has always had my attention, this blood-lusting angel. I still have enough of my sense of humor when I call him this, for what could be more entertaining than seeing another Lucifer fall? Surely there were other things I could have done. And there were. But this was unrelenting.

The fact that he did not know of this game at first greatly piqued my interest. So he was unaware, and it seemed completely so, of the fact that he was calling out. His body language had changed almost entirely, though I confess that I may be the only who actually noticed. He is a great liar, the King of Pretenders, and who wouldn't be when you are forced to live with 'Ichiou' for most of your life?(I could add Kuran-senpai there, but what good would that be?)

So I watched him. To try and figure out what had made our ever calm and collected, cheerful burst of sunshine (I wish to digress, he is more like moonlight than Kuran-senpai is, if only because I know that facade of his is fake) so... out of sorts would provide me with entertainment for quite some time. And if I was interested enough to pursue this, maybe the whole year. After which I would drop it, because there were other bits of information that I could fiddle with, and I wasn't particularly taken with him. Back then, it was mere cursory interest.

How could I have known it would develop so quickly, so deeply, so much?

Calling upon my memories of before, I realized that he had been going out far too often at that time, a sign that he wanted to be somewhere he could not be followed by many, a place where only few would dare venture. For vampires, that is most of the outside world at day time. So he was hiding from a vampire? I watched him leave the Moon Dorms with interest, listing down names of probabilities.

It could be Shiki Senri, but then those two had always had a fair enough relationship that certain distractions could well render any arguments useless and unworthy of more than a couple of minutes of silence. Plus, I had seen Shiki staring at a plate of cookies in the kitchen, and that confirmed the thought that Ichijou wanted to be alone for quite some time. Cookies were his way of apologizing and asking for something at the same time. It was well thought out, that plate of fourteen cookies, for it would take the younger vampire at least an hour to decide whether he should eat them or go after his friend, another fifteen minutes of convincing himself that this would be the better thing to do, that his friend wouldn't be mad at him, and another forty-five minutes to finish off the plate.

Ichijou would have two solid hours to himself in the garden, where no one could get to him without running back inside after a few minutes.

Next I thought it was Kuran-senpai, who was the last person on this list, since only a few people could faze him. I hadn't tried yet at the time, so I didn't count myself.

I scoffed at my own judgement. That they were too close should have pointed me to that conclusion already, they were the closest vampires the Night Class had seen. With the possible exception of a select few, it was quite obvious. What was not obvious was why he had come out. It was because of Kuran-senpai, but why? Could it had been an argument? But Ichijou was much too complacent for there to be any grandscale arguments between them, though it could simply be because those small scuffles had been accumulated already and perhaps he needed some time to himself? To calm down and return his mask to perfection?

As I opened the door, I knew that that was part of the problem, a gradual accumulation of things unsaid, a giant monster of Echo's doing(2). But what of the other part? I resolved to find out. And I did, and now we are here in the darkness of the library, made only so because my assumptions were correct since the start, and we were waist deep in it now. Escape would never exist between us.

"You're shaking..." the same words but the circumstances are slightly altered. I had said this to him once already, in the first stages of this invisible game. But this is now, and we are at least three feet apart. I froze him, I knew I could, and it is ironic that Hanabusa has control over the particular element, whereas I...

He smiles, slowly and languidly, still sharp enough to think and -unlike before- it seems he will not be affected by me. Or he is attempting not to be. Interesting. "Must be the wind. I just thought I'd close the window before you came in." We are skilled in our lying but this time I decided not to be.

My gaze relented. He has told me that he felt trapped by them long ago, and I do not forget such information. I relaxed my posture, and breached the meager space between us with a few steps, my hand reaching for his free elbow. I had frozen him, and he must think that his stance was that of one defenceless, of one exposed... I can not argue with him on that, but I cannot help but question why. What was there that he should feel I'd already seen? (Another thing would be: Had he noticed how I see through him? Our Vice President seemed like glass to me... strong, delicate, and oh so clear glass...)

I pull him towards me, only slightly, but so that his right shoulder rose from its alignment and slump. His lips parted, and his eyes were wary. Had we come to an end?

"Stop it. Your silence will only serve to kill you, I've told you." thirteen words, for which I received nothing but coldness. A game with between fire and water would always end in steam, whether or not anyone won. I would make sure that no one got hurt, at the very least. I do not remember when his state of well-being started to mean this much to me.

"But the question remains. Do I still have that something worth killing? That I've told you." his voice is like ice, but he knows that this front would never affect me. Hardly anything would- if he put on airs, I would only be spurred more; if he tried being cold, I would go through his facade just as easily as fire with reason consumes ice; and if he tried to be as smooth as his natural element, as unpredictable, as destructive, I would have no choice but to match him.

What will you do now, Takuma?

"We've told each other many things," I muse aloud, my tone belying the grip I had tightened on his elbow. "But not so much of the truth. We dance well, but you emanate desperation. Haven't I told you that all I wanted was a simple waltz?"

"Yes, but a waltz has its own intricacies, has it not ? And I don't recall any oath of truth to you, or have you forgotten?" he smirks, but it is without feeling. He is falling back to his element, and I stop myself from saying the obvious. Water will turn to steam in the face of wild fire. (3)

"This is the undone dance between Queen Eleanor and King Henry, where lies are what leads us. You remember what happens next, don't you?"

I press my lips together. True, I do know of the next events. But I still had time.

I have never acknowledged it before, but I will now. Takuma may be Kaname-sama's best friend, and he may be Senri Shiki's lover, but as he has pointed out with great taciturnity, he is my Queen Eleanor. And King Henry wasn't one to let go of his dear wife before he got what he wanted from her.(4)

He has bared his soul to me. Is it not the only intelligent thing to do, to claim him as my own?

"Yes, I do. But do you?"

reprieve

You followed me this far, did you find out what's inside?
can you tell me what I'm doing? is it something i should hide?
cause i don't know for sure, i don't wanna find out what i left there for.

resume

I tried to pull my elbow from his grasp, but he won't let go. This had gone long enough, it had to be stopped. Too much of this and I might just say the things that I vowed to keep in veils from him. No one was supposed to know me this well, not even Senri... and specially not Kaname... but most importantly not him.

"Let go of me."

My voice is not without a touch of a growl, but it is steady and cold and pretty soon would be oozing with malice. My favorite weapon craved blood, blood and fire(5). Kain should know not to push me this far. Or is he pulling me? Gravity and direction rarely played a part in out games. But, I sternly corrected myself as he refused to let go with a shake of his head, apparently this is a different thing altogether. This was nothing like our usual games.

"Why should I? Didn't you enter this battlefield knowing full well the consequences? ...Takuma, drop your veils for once and tell me what's breaking you." his voice is deeper than mine, always has been, but right now it is the rumbling of storm to me, even though I know he's calm. Exasperated, but calm. Kain will never be anything but such, ironic that he is a Child of Fire Wild. But he has no right to tell me to drop my veils, and it irks me to know that I can't even use it as a counter against him- he has never veiled anything to me. So I reply.

"I am not your pawn, Akatsuki, to tell you what I feel so easily..." I bite my lip. And everything comes back to that, doesn't it? I hate being a pawn in anyone else's hands but his, and yet he has found someone else now. If I don't say anything, he will know. He will know... and I... I really will be vulnerable. To him, I can't be.

"...Neither am I your doll, for you are not free to lay claim on me and expect me to be silent... Vampires still have life, do they not?" I take hold of his jacket and pull myself to him, that we could feel each other's hearts beating. If he speaks, our breath will mingle. If he moves, I will follow. This, I was sure, would drive him away. I hoped.

His sunset eyes are searching mine, and I force the smirk on my face as best as I could. My heart has not betrayed me yet, it is calm in its beating. But there is a voice at the back of my head that is whispering, That is his heart, not yours... the only reason you can't hear your heart beat is because it is too fast, too loud, too much for you to bear.

"They do. And I never expected you to be silent Takuma. But you should know that I never considered you as my pawn, but what am I to say? I'm not Kaname." he narrows his eyes and he knows he has caught me. All things acknowledged, this was reminiscent of our first time like this. That day, I never expected him to know as much as he did, and to radiate that much warmth, well, he was a firestarter, I shouldn't have been surprised.

I was in the garden. I knew no one would follow me, for it was nearing mid-day already, and the only one who actually had reason to, I had safely distracted with a plate of cookies. Senri was wonderful, that I will never veil nor deny, but I didn't want him to see me the way I was. It had been a while since I actually cried, and it would have scared him. That, and the fact that I wasn't very nice at the moment.

They had been together for almost a month already on that day, and the gods must have been playing with the fates again as I happened to see them in the library. Granted, I wasn't the only one who must've seen them, neither do I claim that I am the only one affected by it, but did it really have to mean so much to me? They were kissing, passionately and possessively, and I tried very hard not to make a sound as I saw long fingered hands-all too familiar hands, all too familiar- trail lower on Zero Kiryuu's back. A gasp, a moan. A hiss of a name.

"Kaname..."

I ran out of the room, quietly and as discreetly as could be done, and had headed straight for the kitchen. Though I wanted to simply run out of the Moon Dorms, I knew I couldn't. Questions would be asked, people would be curious. Senri would be worried. So I made cookies, fourteen to be exact. I knew Senri, how he would be unsure at first, how he would try to talk himself into eating the cookies lest I got upset if he didn't, and ofcourse he had to eat them. This left me with two hours of silence. I almost bumped into him as I went out of the kitchen, but I said that I was fine. The last thing I saw was his gaze of uncertainty being replaced on the plate, instead of on my back.

I was alone in the garden for about five minutes before I noticed.

He was silent, and perhaps would have gone away had I not turned to look at him with all the casualness I could summon. And he asked me, without actually asking the question, with that resonant and unfathomable voice of his, without portraying any emotion other than a plain and easy-going curiosity, he said to me, "Ichijou-senpai, you're shaking..."

I didn't have to answer to him. If I'd stayed silent, I was pretty sure he'd have gone on his way to look for Aido. In all my time in the Academy, I had never seen an Aido-less Kain (up until then, that is), moreso the vice-versa. Odd, yes, but they were close. And they were cousins. They tended to simply be together. Whereas Kaname and I...

He would've left. He has assured me so, after that incident. He would have. Had my tears not chosen that exact moment to spill from my eyes. I was waiting for them, they usually didn't take that long to fall. I was waiting (...as I consider it now, was I subconsciously waiting for him? ...that is one of the questions I would love to leave unanswered).

To his credit, he kept a straight face as he closed the mere three feet of space between us, pulling his left hand out of his pocket as he did so. Like a frightened animal, I almost took a step back- but he was too quick. I thought that he would grasp my chin, make me face him. He certainly could, he had a good four centimeters(6) on me. Even with my skill with the katana, I was pretty much out of it when it wasn't in my hands. Plus I had no preparation whatsoever. I expected nothing but myself and self-deprecation when I stepped out that day.

But he didn't. He flicked the trail of tears on my right cheek, cutting its path. He withdrew his hand and held it near his face, presumably to take a better look at what he had touched. A drop remained on his finger, and he stared at it. His look was without shock, merely a stone-faced interest. I could have guessed what he was thinking. Ah, so he does cry. Most of the people I know have developed the quaint superstition that I have only blood in my body.

He smiled though, a small smile that spoke of satisfaction and inquisitiveness, and licked his finger.

I flushed though I didn't know why and opened my mouth to perhaps make a missish(7) statement... had he not spoken first. In his rich vibrato, which makes of me a prisoner.

"Ichijou-senpai, do you know the song 'You and Me of the 10,000 Wars'?" I must say that I feared for his sanity then. He had just seen me cry! Had just tasted the next most important fluid to flow through the body of any living soul! And he asks if I know a song?! This was an outrage!- and such thoughts would have continued had he not suddenly pulled my hand and taken me aside a large tree whose shade apparently satisfied him. And he sang.

"You and me of the 10,000 wars,
dividing life into factions of pleasure and chores -
a bed to be made and a bed to lie in,
a hand in the darker side and our sights set on zion.

"The heart of a skeptic and the mind of a child,
put my life in a box and let my imagination run wild
pour the cement for my feet.
the heart and the mind on a parallel course
never the two shall meet."

He sang close to my ear, his hand grasping mine, and our cheeks touching in some parody of a greeting(8). He could sing well, I thought. I listened to the words of the song, and almost laughed-- how fitting! A smile (I shall never tell him of its truth; it was the first genuine smile I'd had in days) worked its way onto my lips, and he must have felt it, for when he pulled back after his song was done, he was smiling as well. A small smile.

"Are you alright now?" he'd asked, and I'd nodded. Our hands had yet to let go of each other, and we stood there in silence as I contemplated if I really was alright. For one thing, I didn't feel like crying anymore. The heavy feeling in my chest had died down almost completely, and I could breathe again. To myself, I mused that I probably didn't speak at all because of it. How had he known about this? I raise my eyes to his, and I noted a touch sadly that the smile had disappeared. I had only started to realize that his hand was generating an unusual- but not unpleasant- amount of heat.

"Don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you this way, Ichijou-senpai. If you at least want to remain by his side in whatever way possible, then you have to remain seemingly unaffected. It will be hard, but it's up to you to decide." he smiled wryly then, and let go of my hand. "Try making one and one make one, twist the shapes until everything comes undone. Watch the wizard behind the curtain; the larger than life and the power of seeming certain."

He left after that, as if he had not been there in the first place. We began to play our games afterwards, though how it happened I wasn't sure. Sometimes, I confess, I wasn't sure if we were playing or not. But we conversed, in the language of lies and facades, of dead monarchs and their wives, of conquests great and conquests fallen, of Greek tragedies and Roman comedies-- sometimes our talks would turn into silence, when we had nothing more to say, or were just mulling over what was there to be said.

But I digress completely. This, what was happening now, was not a game. He had asked a direct question, and if memory served me well, I never promised him a direct answer. But maybe that was my own undoing.

I did not realize that he would- and could- use my own weapon against me so well.

His eyes had glazed over quite a bit, and even if I had no insight to his thoughts then, I was sure that he was thinking of the first time we did this, for what else could he have thought, that his reaction would not be so easily read and misinterpreted? When faced with a difficult situation, people tend to recall the reason of such, of why this had come to happen in the first place, as if by doing so they'd find a way to escape and be free. But I knew that that was a lost cause, there would never be time nor room for such a frail, self-destructive thought.

I shook him slightly, and his head comically lolled backward before he caught himself and tightened his grip on my jacket instinctively and pressed himself closer. His eyes lost their blank quality and he blinked once before locking our eyes once again. I knew he wouldn't answer, but what he didn't know was that I could play the 'blank'-look better than he could, as if I were leaving my body for some time, and yet still allowing it to retain its functions, while I mulled over the information in my head. Hanabusa had once commented that I'd make a great conversationalist if only I wasn't so cold, and at the time I was inclined to agree with him, for even if I had control over my words, they meant nothing without passion. Even faked passion would have served me well.

So I continued to speak, even as I thought.

"I can see that you think this waltz is not what it seems, but have we ever made a considerable amount of effort to make it seem like anything? Or have you forgotten that we're playing in the battlefield of ten thousand wars, each as bloody and as catastrophic as the other, with only a small amount of actual casualties to boast off?"

I list down the variables in my head, the people actually concerned, and make the conclusion that it is probably a matter of the heart that has gotten Takuma into such a state. It was Kaname Kuran who topped the list, closely followed by Takuma himself and last but most definitely not the least, Zero Kiryuu. This was the list of the players in this illogical and heartfelt play that I must now make heads and tails of, before the next scene of this Queen's life comes to call. Senri Shiki may have been easily distracted, but he was forceful when Takuma was concerned.

Somehow, we were alike.

"Takuma, your mental state of being is making it hard for me to convey some sense into your brain. Usually, you'd be a better partner than this, but then I suppose if I had any complaints I'd have to talk to Kaname-sama... and you flinch, finally, at my indictment towards you. Are you sure this is not a game that we play? I'll pull your veils apart if you don't stop me with some rationality, and this threat is what it seems..."

When Kaname-sama took Zero Kiryuu as his lover, Takuma must've felt the gravity of being pushed off his pedestal as his bestfriend. I assume he'd have to have endured this already, with the appearance of Yuuki so early on... So it makes sense that all this has accumulated and the weight of this - uneased, perhaps, by even our little games and songs- is pressing down on him now... that's it? He feels trapped and unable to make a choice?

He has heard my words and his eyes have narrowed, flashing the green of the monster Envy, though without this emotion it must be said. He wants to speak, bu to do so he would have to follow it up with a direct answer, something he clearly does not want me to know of. If I let him speak now I will never have this chance again.

"Takuma, all I ask is that you speak to me for once. I want to know why you won't tell me anything anymore..."

What choices would he have? His love for Kaname and his pride must be stopping him from finally letting everything go, of moving on and living his own life. The question of what life he has been living then arises, and he must be more confused than ever, for, if the life he has been living encompasses his love for both Kaname and Senri Shiki, what are those feelings but lies? Now that he has realized it, he cannot help but be in turmoil because he does not want to lose either of them, he's afraid of being alone... but... but I...

"...You're not alone, you never will be... Takuma, I-"

I have said too much. In fact, I wasn't planning on saying those words at all. Wasn't I about to spout off more of the allegories that he hates, causing him to raise his hackles and press closer to me? What was I even thinking, or rather, was I in control of my thoughts or had I suddenly let go?

But oh, he kissed me.

I couldn't stand it anymore. The words he kept on saying, the fact that he was veiling his thoughts from me, the fact that I can still see the two of them under the tree, the fact that that may just be the same tree this man sang under that day everything began, the fact that I could hear Senri's footsteps coming, the fact that we were too close, the fact that I know this meant absolutely nothing, that I'd put myself at the mercy of someone who could- and would- hurt me worse than anyone else has ever had...

(In the depths of my mind, in some far unexplored crevice of darkness, I could hear the stinging sound of shattering glass)

The casualties may be small Akatsuki, but haven't you figured out yet that those are the worst kind that would ever be? Don't refer to me as glass anymore... You wouldn't want to see such broken glass, would you?

I wanted to scream, Don't you dare drag him into this! - but I knew. He was the cause of all of this, why would I tell him to shut him out? Some part of me is nodding, crying, agreeing and opposing at the same time, Yes, pull them apart, see for yourself what has been broken over the years and let's see if you still want to know me... If you still want to pull me apart...

My eyes narrow, an unspoken challenge (I beg and pray for time to move back again, but the gods have hardly ever listened to me) flashing in them, even as my tears began to come behind them. I can't say anything to him, he has robbed me of my own weapon, my last measure. Back then I knew we weren't equals, that at times one would be stronger than the other, and I can't blame him for taking advantage of me like this. I know not of anyone who wouldn't, except perhaps Zero Kiryuu.

"Takuma, all I ask is that you speak to me for once. I want to know why you won't tell me anything anymore..."

And since when have I told you anything? Had my facades been so easy for you to see through, that you now ask me for the truth? Akatsuki, why...? I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to lean on you anymore, I don't want... Since when have you cared?

Why don't you just leave me alone?

"...You're not alone, you never will be... Takuma, I-"

(Glass breaking, shards falling, in the darkness of my mind-- where had everything ended up? Why were we here in the first place?)

I did the only thing that I knew would stop him, dead in his tracks. It could also give him a headache, trying to figure it out. Akatsuki may be a master conversationalist (lacking only passion and emotion, even a faked one would have sufficed), and he may be more than my equal in our plays of words, but he was still a boy. I had never been blind to my own charm, and though I saw the others' more clearly, I was not ignorant to my own allure.

I shook my elbow free from his grasp and ran my fingers through his flame-colored hair before I pulled his head down and pressed our lips together. I caught him by surprise, and through my low-lidded eyes I could see his sunset's widen in what must have been (the closest thing to resemble) shock. I close them entirely, not that I didn't want to see him, more of the other way around. If he sees my eyes, if he sees me again, I don't think I'd have the courage to lead this anymore.

With my tongue I pry open his lips and touch his briefly, before surrendering to the urge I'd had since I saw him (At that time I'd thought something along the lines of 'Well, isn't he devastatingly handsome'), leaning back against the window so that he had to brace his free arm against my head and evidently tower over me. Only four centimeters and with a tip-toe, I should be amused. His other hand ghosts along my lower back, barely touching the white uniform that seperated me from him completely, and I shudder, feeling the inexplicable urge to tell him to go on, didn't he say he'd pull my veils apart? Let's see him do it then. I run my tongue over the roof of his mouth, tasting chocolate and wine, something like decadence and rain. The perfect combination.

I let the hand hanging onto his jacket wander inside, and upon finding the top button of his black shirt, I deftly unbuttoned it and slipped my fingers inside and trail them down, undoing any button they may encounter. Pressure on my spine and he pulls me closer to him, and he kisses me as fervently now, perhaps not to lose this new battle (a part of me cringes at the thought of labeling this as a battle but I ignore it) or some other reason, but I don't reject it as he steals my breath away. He does that often enough without actions anyway.

His muscles are taught and warm under my hand, and I rake my nails down on them recieving a hot hand on the skin of my back. I moan, and I know when enough is enough.

But apparently my body doesn't.

His lips are soft, that being my first thought, and so I could not help but stand there as he pressed his lips against mine. If my first thought had been something along the lines of 'Stop' or 'Has he lost it?' I might have stopped him, and I might have the willpower to stop myself, seconds into this kiss. But I first realized that his lips were soft, and with that (almost sarcastically I think) my fate was sealed.

That and the fact that no one as ever tangled their fingers in my hair (the only exception being Hanabusa's parents and at one point Hanabusa himself-- but this was profoundly different). It sent a quick burst of electricity through my stunned brain and down my equally immobile spine. My eyes widened at this treatment, and my unexpected reaction to it. I confess that this may be what brought me over the edge.

Or it could be the simple action of Takuma closing his eyes and pulling me to him, that I had to support myself (lest I crush him under me, we were four centimeters apart but I knew for fact that Takuma was somewhat of a lightweighti) with an arm beside his head. Our tongues danced, and since when did my left hand find it prudent to phantom over his lower spine? I must say, had I not been in a slight haze, I would have congratulated him on his move. I would be thinking about this for quite sometime, I sensed. He shudders, and that is what leads me to allow him to undo the buttons on my shirt and run his fingers over my chest.

A part of me knows that Senri Shiki is close, and would not at all appreciate someone else's hand (and lips) on his lover. But coherent thought had no place here, as I pull the back of his shirt up and press my hand on the delicate skin of his back, feeling his heartbeat as I never did before, as he rakes his nails down... Electricity running with liquid fire through my veins-- and I knew enough about both to know that if we didn't stop soon, the steam that would result from our 'game' would be unduly accompanied by some pretty nasty flames.

I am kissing Takuma Ichijou senseless, my mind dictates, and I will not stop unless he pulls away. Fair enough, I think.

He moans, none too quietly, into the kiss and- I say this with great discomfort because even though this is Takuma, he's still my senpai and we are classmates (though a part of me, the one that just dictated my actions to be in this situation, denies that discomfort and seizes control of my senses enough to respond in kind with a growl deep in the back of my throat)- grinds his hips against mine. Since when were we placed that I was straddling him whilst we stood? This is enough, we should stop, specially since Senri Shiki is coming. But it seems as if my body has a mind of its own, away from the coherent one at least, as it decided to move my hand from his back to his chest (in this close proximity I can feel his heartbeat, but even moreso the heat scalding my fingertips as I move them across his skin) and has evidently directed me to grope him. My fingers encounter a peaked nub of flesh and without delay twists it enough to draw another gasp from Takuma's lips as they mould agaisnt mine.

"Ichijou?"

And we stop. I open my eyes only to catch an eyeful of a flushed face and light green eyes wide and wild with shock, and I have control over my body's actions once again. I remove my hand from his chest and hold his elbow that he may steady himself again. Looking down I realize that he had somehow gotten my belt loose... and I feel the heat rushing to my face. He has his bearings again it seems, for he pulls his arm away from my hold gently and coughs. I raise my eyes to his, noting that he had not stopped blushing. His lips were swollen as well, and why did he look like he was about to cry?

He gives me a look, and for once I am not bothered to read his emotions there, for there is a scarcity of them. Confusion, as to what has just transpired between us; Fear, and my ideas for this may be wrong- is he afraid of Senri Shiki fingding out, or...?; and last but not least, Uncertainty, as to how he should proceed.

This was, for the umpteenth time, enough. I did not mean to do this to him, and I assume he did not mean this as well. I step aside, that he may pass.

"Go. Shiki's looking for you." breathlessness and silence, he frowns at me before nodding and striding towards the door. It creaks open and he takes a breath before he calls out his real lover's name. I wait until the door closes once more before sinking into a hardbacked chair and sighing. There was still the after-effects of the kiss running through my veins and pooling around my middle- it was going to take a while before I calmed down, before I could present myself well enough that people would not be asking odd questions. Stiffly, for I was aware of something else rising aside from the heat in my face, I fixed my belt and my shirt and leaned back once again on the chair.

I'd forgotten to remind him again of his appointment with Yagari-sensei. Oh, well. I could always say that I forgot. It's the only logical thing to do.

reprieve

and, oh, the dissatisfied with the satisfied
everybody loves a melodrama
and the scandal of a lie -
still you held your arms open for the prodigal daughter
I see my eyes in your eyes through my eyes -
still waters.

caesura

Notes:

(1) sparkles - I see your 'wtf' face. But consider this, does Takuma Ichijou not have sparkles when he smiles or speaks or appears? We may not see them in ink, but I swear that when my friend and I see him, we see sparkles. And we don't know where they come from either.

(2) a giant monster of Echo's doing - The information itself was gleaned from Edith Hamilton's Mythology (A Timeless Tale of Gods and Heroes), the Warner Books edition printed in 1999 (the author of this fic does not want any legal problems on her doorstep). The myth about Echo and Narcissus appears in pages 90-92. Hera (in another of her unjust sprees of punishment for Zeus' infidelity) cast upon the nypmh a curse, that she may never have the power to speak first, only to utter the last words spoken. I take seriously the first part of that curse, that she may never speak her own words again. Akatsuki knows that Takuma uses whatever he says (like an echo) to speak. As if Takuma would never have the motivation to speak first... Hmmm...

(3) wild fire - The author is easily amused by this unintended pun/joke. Akatsuki's fangirl-given nickname is Wild, and he controls Fire. I am so sorry. I couldn't stop nor help myself.

(4) King Henry and Queen Eleanor - I take this understanding of Henry and Eleanor's relationship from the book by Pamela Kaufman (historical fiction; published by Three Rivers Press and copyrighted by the Ms. Kaufman in 2002), The Book of Eleanor (A Novel of Eleanor of Aquitaine). King Henry kidnapped Queen Eleanor and forced her into marriage, all the while without knowledge of Eleanor's lover, Richard Geoffrey of Rancon, Baron of Taillebourg. Takuma refers here to the fact that both have lied to each other over the years of their marriage (Henry had taken quite a few lovers himself), and after (or before, either way) certain confrontations between the King and the Queen, she would fall into the arms of her lover. So King Henry is Akatsuki, Takuma is Queen Eleanor, and it is quite obvious by now that Richard of Rancon is Senri Shiki. o ehehe, the author apologizes for the confusion that has ensued. Akatsuki then refers to the fact that after Eleanor's romantic liaisons, something 'bad' usually happens... like the birth of Richard Coeur de Lion. (this is based on the facts presented by the book! Ms. Kaufman indicates that their personal story is fiction)

(5) blood and fire - Takuma refers here to Akatsuki's submission (blood) and perhaps Akatsuki himself (fire). 3 the author will now be forever haunted by the implications of water and fire. I'm sorry.

(6) four centimeters - This information is taken from the images (you can find them on photobucket, search Vampire Knight and prepare for digging) of Akatsuki, Takuma, Senri and Hanabusa in a particular page of the manga. I do believe it's from the third volume, but I'm not quite sure. All I know is that I don't own them. While we're on the subject, I would also like to point out that I, Freya Kurenai, do not own any of the characters mentioned above. They are owned by Matsuri Hino, along with the VK-rights.

(7) missish - I know this may not be in the dictionary, so here goes my personal meaning for it: To do or say something girly, virginal and would be construed as 'too feminine'. If Takuma had said anything at all, we would all be free to refer to him for a while as 'Ms. Ichijou'. But he didn't. XP

(8) parody of a greeting - Know this, in the country that I live in, people (ladies specially) greeted each other by 'kissing both cheeks'- here known as 'beso-beso'. So far, only my extremely flamboyant aunts and other ladies above the age of 28 have done this to me. It is not unpleasant but it is quite disturbing to here a particularly loud smack on your cheek. XP And so I consider it a parody.

the mini-story of how I came up with this idea you may skip it if you like

I want to cry. This honestly started out as an idea for some VK drabbles, all meant to be quite romantic and funny.

It honestly began with me thinking, "Huh, I just read 'The Rose' again (a Tatari fic from Yami ni Matsuei... I forgot the author, but the name will appear in later parts, if anyone wants me to continue...), why don't I make a VK drabble? I know! Let's make use of Kain's adorable ability to babble somewhat about information, and let's put Ichijou with him because I'm still in the throes of that thing Kazu and I did, I'm rarin' to try out a friendly little KaTaku!" ...and then the Gakuen Heaven fics came.

I was reading a fic by dextrousleftie (I think it was that, for this person authored many of the GH fics in AFF) entitled "Double the Pleasure", a valentine's day celebration between the Ozawa Twins Wataru and Kakeru and their tennis club captain Yukihiko Naruse. I was suddenly overcome by this queer sense of sadness when I read that they were breaking up with him because they thought that he'd be leaving them soon. It stayed in my craw for days, affecting my perspective of other twins in the anime world (Kiryuus included). The fact that they were also having some exotic threeway smex did not help me get over them.

THEN the songs bit me. First of all, I do not want to blame my mother for turning on the radio just as the song 'That's Why' by Michael Learns To Rock came on. What I can blame is my own stupidity for forgetting the title, searching it in yahoo, reading it and guffawing at the thought that it actually fits the idea that was forming in my sick twisted noggin. Indigo Girls' 'You and Me of the 10,000 Wars' and 'I Don't Wanna Know' contributed to my condition. And so, there you have 'The Only Logical Thing To Do'. Phew.

If you are actually interested in this fic, I'll tell you right now that the ideas are flooding for it. I've travelled to uncharted lands (again, first trip was Kiryuucest and now I have a request for it), and if anyone enjoyed the trip with me, please note that I'd be happy to continue. I'm an author after all. There will be KanZe perspective-parts here, and a three-way I'm pretty sure you can by now guess via my excessive use of their first names. :D

Review? Oh, and if a yaoi hater even dares flame me, I have only this to say to you: I did not smack this fic into your face, I did not coerce you into reading this. I have mentioned in my beginning notes that this is yaoi. If you so much as tell me that you didn't like it because it's yaoi, I will flame YOU. It's only fair, is it not? You read something you shouldn't, wasted my time- now I return that favor to you.

But to the yaoi lovers who do read this, I implore you not to skewer me alive. This wouldn't get out of my head. I'm terribly sorry if I have scarred you, or disgusted you, or made you barf. Really, I am.

If by chance people actually review this positively, I do have Part Two of this. And many more ideas, of course. And a KanZe take on all of this. So... that's it for my subtle mind messages.

Review... and feed the monster with its brittle chains, clawing at my back... feed it, that I may still live, that you may still be able to read fanfiction of my hands...