This is not a list. It is a story. The story of a Mary-Sue and her quest to become the greatest Mary-Sue ever!! (Total oxymoron right there.) She has been given a task...complete the 101 things not to do in Middle Earth. The authoress is preparing a list for her even as we speak...
Disclaimer- I do not own LOTR or Middle-Earth or even most of these ideas. I got most of them from a website I found my freshman year of high-school and have never been able to find it again...sob
Dedication- To my job at Panera Bread. Sometimes the only way that I can make it through the day is if I imagine these things happening.
The authoress stared out of her window, her laptop propped open on her lap as she sat on her bed. She was trying to break the wall of mind-block that seemed to be endless. She couldn't think of a single thing to write about and all of her other stories had coem to a dead stop.
"What if I write a Mary-Sue story?" she wondered, staring at the plethora of Mary-Sue stories on. "People always say that most of my girl characters are Mary-Sues but I've never written a Mary-Sue on purpose. This might be fun!!" She instantly felt the mind-block dissolve and started typing like a fiend on her keyboard.
The List of Things Not To Do in Middle Earth...A Continuous Work
1) Do not say that Sauroman needs to clip his nails.
2) Do not clip his nails for him.
3) Do not give him a French manicure.
4) Do not build a fire in Fangorn Forest.
5) Do not poke a sleeping anything (Warg, Oliphant, Orc, Man. Anything with a pointy object in close range).
6) Do not antagonize anyone (or thing) that hasn't seen an anger management therapist.
7) Do not create tension between Legolas and Gimli.
8) Do not hide Legolas's hairbrush.
9) Do not hide Gimli's axe.
10) Do not hide Legolas's bow and Gimli's axe at the same time.
11) Never stand between a Hobbit and mushrooms.
12) Do not haunt Eowen's footsteps while Eomer is around.
13) Do not play tag with Ring-Wraiths on Weathertop.
14) Do not suggest to Sauron's Eye that he needs eyedrops and badly.
15) Do not run back and forth in front of Orcs screaming "I'M INVINCIBLE!!"
16) Do not call Smaug an over-grown gecko.
17) Don't call the Blade that Was Broken a piece of junk.
18) Don't be a Fool of a Took!!
19) Do not forget your helmet on the Battle of Helm's Deep, then ask to borrow someone else's.
20) Make dirty jokes about Boromir's "horn of Gondor".
The authoress cracked her fingers and nodded. She had the beginning of the story, now just to get the Mary-Sue. She studied Mary-Sues for at least an hour before going and throwing up in her wastebasket. Then she sat back down with a groan and gritted teeth and created one of the worst characters that a fanfic can ever get.
Her name was Mary-Sue Angelique Haviland Chantal Foxworth, but you could just call her Mary-Sue. Her eyes were a gorgeous swirling topaz/jade shade that had golden flecks around the iris which sparkled with intelligence and wit and a bit of rebel and beauty and gorgeousness and sadness and laughter. Her hair was the color of freshly-squeezed lemonade, the color of a sunrise and the color of a happy face, the tresses a gorgeous, luxurious, shimmering color of happiness. Her shining blonde tresses were a sight to behold and they were even more beautiful than those of Lady Galadriel. She was curvy in the right places (she was a size 34-C!) and her skin was a delicate color of tan that wasn't tan but a peachy color with a hint of brown sugar thrown in. If you tailed her one day, you might notice a smell; the most enticing scent of magnolias. It was her signature perfume, Dreams of Magnolias.
Her past is tragic. Her father (the only man who had ever been able to out-smart Bill Gates, so therefore was as rich as anyone could be. He made more in one year than Oprah made in five) sexually abused her as he was unsatisfied with his third wife, a Las Vegas chorus girl. She finally had enough one day and hit him multiple times with a baseball bat then called 911 in tears. Her father recovered while she became an emancipated minor. Her father was so furious that she outwitted him that he drove to his favorite 5-star restaurant and plowed into the side of the building. He and the chorus show-girl died instantly. Mary-Sue inherited everything. Because of the emotions and thoughts bottled up in her brain, she can levitate objects or herself. One distinguishing feature (other than all the others named above) she has a tattoo on the small of her back in the shape of a rare butterfly with the words "I'm Too Sexy for My Shirt". Even though she has no parents and she is underage (18).
The authoress finished, then went and laid down with a cold compress to her head. She would have to wait a few more days to unleash her creation on Middle-Earth. Her headache left her unable to do much else.
Meanwhile...Inside her computer...
Mary-Sue Angelique Haviland Chantal Foxworth awoke from the deep sleep of creation. Her swirling topaz/jade eyes opened, fringed with their long wispy eyelashes and she looked about her for the first time. She was in a void of white and nothing was around except for her. She felt frightened for a split second, then decided to get up. She stood on her delicate feet and, clasping her hands together, she looked about her once more, hoping that something had changed in the past several seconds. Nothing had.
"I wish I had something to wear." she said, upon the realization that she was naked. (All the male portraits in the authoress's laptop immediately tried to get a glimpse. They were met with a fire-wall.) With a whoosh isles of clothes appeared to her left and right. She choose a dark blue mini-skirt and a tight red tube top. She put on a pair of black boots that went all the way to her knees and clung to her shapely legs. She chose a matching necklace/earrings/bracelet/watch set from Tiffany's. She then cleared her throat very lady-like and the clothes were whisked away.
"I wish I had a place to sit down." she called out into the white. All the boys in the portraits instantly offered their chairs. (They were met with a fire-wall and a flame-shooter.) With another whoosh, armchairs of various styles and colors appeared. She chose one that set off her eyes and hair and sat down to wait for the authoress to come back. She sighed so danitly, crossing her legs. Her mini-skirt inched up. The boys howled and burst out of the portraits. (They were met with a flame-wall, flame-thrower, and several painful mallets).
The authoress awoke, hearing the howling from her laptop. That meant only one thing. Her Mary-Sue had come to life. Hopefull she wouldn't be too bad. One look through the screen and the authoress's most hopeful dreams and most horrid nightmares came true all at once.
Time to tell Mary-Sue what she would be doing for the next 20 or more chapters...
Thank you for reading this story's first chapter! If there is anything you want to see Mary-Sue "not" do, tell me!!