Loved to Death

Disclaimer - I do not own any of the rights to NCIS…

Chapter 1 - Genesis

I frequently hate myself for not remembering every scrap of information, every word, every look, every touch, every kiss. There is always regret that I didn't constantly let her know just how I felt, just how much she really meant to me. I should have told her just how it would make me feel if she ever decided to leave, but she's gone now, and I know deep inside that she's never coming back. She won't, no matter how much I want her to. She can't, no matter how much she wants to, because it was never her choice to leave.

Ziva, three weeks earlier.

It is a surprise when you realise that you love someone, contrary to the popular belief of those who have never loved that it comes on gradually. Well, I suppose that it does, but I think stealthily is a more suitable word. You don't even realise it is there until the morning you wake up and you think what in hell would I do without this person? That moment, for me, was this morning, making me all the more nervous for our date tonight. I shower and change, the butterflies gradually beginning to beat their wings in my stomach as the minutes tick by. The doorbell of my apartment rings. I look up and think this is it. I have to say how I feel. I walk to the door, remove the chain, and pull the door open. I pause for a moment to take in the beauty of that face, the one I have dreamt about since the last time we saw each other.

"You look wonderful" I say.

"You don't," she replies. "You look stunning." A grin spreads across her face and her eyes light up like jewels.

Kate, same day.

I am standing outside the door of the apartment that she is renting while she stays here in America. I stare at the doorbell for a while, wondering if I have dreamt everything about her, and this apartment belongs to someone else. It's not that I don't love her, because I do, I really do, but that's exactly the point. Every time I arrive at this door I stop, and think can someone like her, someone so wonderful, ever fall in love with someone like me? I reach out and push the button. When she opens the door and sees me, I look deep into her eyes.

"You look wonderful" she says, smiling.

"You don't," I tell her. I look at her hair, loose, and follow its natural curl. I look at her emerald green dress, one which I had to persuade her to add to her collection of army pants. I look at the gold Star of David that always hangs around her neck. "You look stunning." I return her smile, and then cross the threshold, smelling her perfume as I pass. I glance around the apartment, rejoicing in the fact that none of this is my imagination.

"Make yourself at home," she tells me, so I sit on the couch and put my purse on the floor while she disappears into the kitchen.

"There you go," she says when she returns, handing me a glass of wine, and sits down next to me holding her own glass in her hand. I take a sip, it has a very fruity taste, and then I place my glass on the coffee table. Ziva does the same, and then she takes my hand in hers, and squeezes it. Not too hard, though I know she is capable of it, just hold enough to keep my attention for what she is about to say. She takes a breath, and holds it, unsure of her words. For the second time tonight she looks into my eyes.

"Kate, there's something I need to tell you."

Ziva, same day

I reach across the gap between us, happy that it is a gap I can see rather than one I have to imagine, and hold her hand in mine. I squeeze it. Not too hard, as I would never hurt her, just hard enough to let her know that I never want to let go. I breathe in, and pause, arranging the words in my mind carefully, making sure that they come out right this time, the time that it matters.

"Kate, there's something I need to tell you." Looking into her eyes I see uncertainty. Hoping for the best, I continue. "I love you. I have since we first met in that coffee shop." I smile at the memory. "I mean, I don't expect you to feel the same way or even to like what I'm saying, but I just have to say it. I don't know what I'd do without you, Kate. I don't car what part you play in my life, well that's not true, but just say you'll always be there for me, Kate." That is one thing I love about Kate, she doesn't need words. She slides closer to me and rests her right hand on the side of my face. Her skin feels like fairies dancing over mine. She leans in towards me, and her lips feel soft and light against mine. When we pull apart she is smiling.

"I've got something I need to tell you too."

To be continued…

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