Oh, I'm going to Hell when I die, no doubt about it. I just wrote this fic on a random impulse not too long ago... I guess to avoid getting sued, I'll disclaim: I have no proof whatsoever that Leigh Whannell and Cary Elwes are involved in any kind of relationship, other than a strong friendship. However, I know I'm not the only one wanting these two to hook up.

I just hope that one or both of them reads this at some point (Whannell did point out in a Saw commentary that he reads some Saw fanfics) and spare a few minutes to think murdering thoughts about me. But come on, guys... Seriously. Don't tell me that men (not you, since you're clearly in love with one another P) don't like to think about "hot," female actresses getting it off every now and then. It's all about freedom of speech, right, even though I'm not American? I love you both.

Also, I don't really know much about the details, but apparently Elwes sued the Saw producers because he wasn't paid enough for acting in the movie. I know this didn't affect his and Whannell's friendship (since he commentated and reacted after the lawsuit, I believe), but I wanted to put that into this fic, in addition to another fic with these two that I'm planning, which will be the main plot there.

Whew... Kind of a long disclaimer. Sorry if I bored ya'll. But to be fair, it IS RPS, so I guess I have to be more careful. That said, enjoy my smut.

X X X X X X X X X X

"Oh, God..."

Leigh grinned at the computer screen, shaking his head slightly in bewilderment and fascination. It was a Saturday night, and he was alone in his apartment. His girlfriend hadn't come around and he wasn't expecting her to. More to pass the time than anything else, Leigh had gone onto to read a few Saw fics. It really was enthralling to read things based on something he'd practically created. Yes, him. James hadn't helped much at all, and Darren Bousman was a real pain in the ass. Scowling in distaste for his coworkers, Leigh picked up the phone next to his computer and dialed.

He hadn't really expected anyone to answer. After all, not many people would be at home on a Saturday night, especially not rich, Hollywood actors. But, to Leigh's surprise, he heard the voice he'd been seeking answer from the other side of the phone within seconds.

"Hello?"

Cary. Leigh smiled. That half-American, half-English accent had always sounded attractive to him. Not that he'd ever told Cary this. He didn't want to sound gay.

"Hey, Cary," he said, trying to hide his cheerfulness at speaking to his old friend again, for the first time in months.

"Leigh?" Cary's voice sounded annoyed. Understandable, since the last time they had seen each other, they'd been on pretty bad terms.

"Yeah, it's me. What's up?" Leigh said into the phone, tearing his eyes away from his computer screen with difficulty. He heard a sigh from Cary's end.

"Not much. I was watching a movie. Pirates of the Caribbean. Good movie."

Leigh raised his eyebrows.

"By yourself, or with someone?" he asked, though he was pretty sure he already knew the answer.

"Alone. Lisa's gone out. Look, is there something you want, Leigh? I'm kind of busy." Cary's voice had a distinct impatient touch to it now, which only made the young writer's smile widen.

"I thought you said you were watching Pirates of the Caribbean?" he asked teasingly, absent-mindedly playing with the mouse on the computer mat.

"Yeah, well... I'm busy doing that," Cary said defensibly. He sounded somewhat embarrassed, as though he hadn't wanted anyone to know what he was doing. Leigh stopped fiddling with the mouse and looked at his screen again.

"Well, I wanted to show you something. You have a computer, don't you?"

There was a bitter chuckle from the other end of the line.

"Of course I have a computer, Leigh. I'm not that outdated."

Leigh grinned.

"With Internet?" he asked, his voice soft and mocking. He always sounded like that when he was flirting, for some reason. Fortunately, not many people saw him flirt, so he doubted Cary would notice.

There was a mild rummaging sound from Cary's end of the line as he, Leigh assumed, booted up a computer and connected himself to the Internet. After about a minute, he spoke.

"Okay, I'm on. Make this quick, Leigh. I'm really not in the mood to be playing mind games at the moment."

"Okay, okay," the writer said, scrolling up the page with the mouse so he could read out the URL. "W-W-W, dot..."

He heard Cary typing as he spoke.

"...F-A-N-F-I-C-T-I-O-N, dot, com, forward slash..."

Cary typed this, then stopped, and Leigh knew that he was staring at what he'd typed.

"Leigh, this had better not be another one of those stupid Saw fics..."

"It's not," Leigh said quickly. Well, technically, he wasn't lying. It was a Saw fic, but it certainly wasn't stupid.

"Okay. Anything else?" Cary sounded impatient. Leigh moved closer to the screen so as to view the address bar better.

"Yeah. Okay, put: Small S, forward slash, one-two-eight-seven-six-four-one, forward slash..."

"Yes..." Cary sounded almost lazy as he typed, despite the rather specific and almost difficult URL he was transcripting.

"...one, forward slash, "trauma." And put a capital T on the trauma."

There were a few more typing sounds from Cary's side and then silence.

"Enter," Leigh said, somewhat lamely. He heard a sigh from Cary and the sound of a Webpage loading. There was a short silence as the older man read the beginning of the fanfic. Leigh scrolled to the start of the story and began reading also. Before he'd gotten halfway through the first paragraph, he heard an outraged and disgusted cry from Cary's side of the line. Maybe he was a faster reader. Or maybe he hadn't been able to finish one paragraph before breaking down.

"Jesus Christ!" Cary spluttered into the phone. "That's disgusting!"

Leigh smiled, feeling his face flush slightly.

"Aw, come on," he said coaxingly. "You must admit; there were some hints of Adam/Lawrence throughout the movie."

"Yeah, Leigh, hints! Not full make-out sessions and graphic sex! And... Christ! I'm gonna leave a review!"

"You have to have an account," Leigh grinned, staring at the detailed SLASH fic. "This author doesn't accept unanimous reviews."

Cary made an enraged sound from the back of his throat and Leigh laughed.

"What's so funny?!" Cary demanded, practically yelling into the phone.

"Nothing," Leigh said, trying without success to sound solemn.

"Well, I'm going to make an account and review this piece of shit of a story!" Cary announced, sounding as though this were the ultimate threat.

"Fanfic," Leigh corrected him.

"Whatever!" Cary snapped back, and the younger man could almost picture the look of rage on his former friend's face. He ran his left index finger around the phone in his hand and sighed happily into the receiver.

"What?" Cary asked irritably. Leigh chuckled.

"Nothing. I'm just happy to talk to you. It's been a while."

"Haven't spoken to you since the lawsuit," came the other's bitter voice. Leigh shrugged, even though he knew his friend wouldn't be able to see him do it.

"You know that was James' fault, not mine," he said soothingly. "I wouldn't keep money from you, Cary. You were so good, after all. Really... masculine."

"Shut up," the actor muttered, though Leigh knew that he was enjoying the praise.

"If you're not doing anything, you could come over here," Leigh said, pressing the minimize button on the screen to obscure the fic. "My girlfriend's not coming over tonight; we'll have the place to ourselves. You know where I live, right?"

There was a low grunt from the other end of the phone.

"What are you suggesting, Leigh?" Cary sounded wary, but not overly offended or surprised, which was a good sign... probably. The younger man grinned into the receiver and shrugged again.

"I dunno. You tell me. Maybe a bit of... post-production debate."

"You're sick, Leigh," Cary snapped back, his voice sending shivers up the listener's spine. "Absolutely sick. A dishonest, twisted, horny adolescent."

There was a pause.

"I'll be over there in about half an hour," Cary concluded lamely.

There was a click sound as the older man hung up, and Leigh was left listening to the dial tone. Satisfied, he hung up also. Standing up and yawning slightly, the writer made his way to his kitchen and over to his fridge. He took out two cans of cheap beer -- he'd always liked the classic stuff better than the expensive crap that cost over one thousand dollars and didn't even get you pissed -- and set them down in a bucket of ice next to his bed.

He pulled his shirt and shorts off, leaving himself naked except for his boxers, and lay down on the bed, resting his hands comfortably behind his head. Yeah, he wasn't very subtle, but that was how he was. Cary would just have to deal with it.

His head against and his hands and a triumphant smirk on his face as he waited for his "entertainment" to arrive, Leigh wondered:

Maybe I should have told Cary who wrote that fic...

But he soon shook that thought away.

Nuh. He probably wouldn't be so accommodating if he knew I wrote SLASH in my spare time.

X X X X X X X X X X

As I said, nothing too suggestive or offensive. More a joke than anything else, since this certainly wasn't meant to be erotic. I am, however, planning on writing another fic involving these two, and that one will NOT be humor. So... you're warned, everyone.

And, of course... R&R?