Lol, heterosexuals

Lol, heterosexuals. This one actually has straight sexual things D: Enjoy, I know I won't.

Pein and Konan

The Akatsuki, minus Pein and Konan, were sitting in the kitchen eating breakfast.

"So," Deidara said, "How should we bother Leader today?"

"Well, I made up a list," Itachi said, pulling a sheet of paper out of his pocket.

"Me too!" Kisame said, also pulling out a piece of paper.

The rest of the Akatsuki 'Me too'ed and pulled out lists.

"Isn't this funny?" Sasori said.

"Yeah…" Itachi agreed, "Remember that time I had Whiskers pee on the carpet?"

"That left quite the stain…Leader was so pissed," Kisame said, "And we begged him to go on a road trip when we knew how badly it would end."

"And the time we put all our money in a different account and pretended we were broke," Deidara said.

"What?" Kakuzu said, not knowing of this detail.

"Sorry about that Kakuzu, but you're reaction had to be real," Hidan said.

"And the time Itachi said he'd have sex with his brother," Kisame said, "Like you would ever do that Itachi."

Itachi glanced around, "Yeah…"

"Or when Deidara got pregnant," Zetsu said.

"Um…that was an accident," Deidara said.

"Well it was still funny," Itachi said.

"Well, I made a list of the top ten," Deidara said, writing down something in a notebook, "Hey, I can do one of these know." Deidara ran into the living room, but Pein wasn't there. "Maybe he's in his bedroom," he said. The blonde made his way to Pein's room and opened the door. He gasped at what he saw and quietly shut the door. He tip-toed away from the room until he was a good ways away and quickly ran into the bathroom.

The rest of the group was still in the kitchen when they here'd the sound of someone throwing up. They all looked at Itachi, who shrugged as if to say 'Why are you looking at me?'. Suddenly Deidara ran into the room, looking very sick.

"What's wrong Deidara?" Sasori asked.

"I saw a vagina!" Deidara said and the others gasped.

"Who's?" Sasori asked.

"Konan's!"

"Eeeeewww," the other's said in unison.

"What did it look like?" Itachi asked.

"I'm currently trying to get rid of the image thank you," Deidara said.

"How did you see it?" Sasori asked.

"Pein and Konan, they were…" Deidara looked at Tobi and whispered, "Copulating."

"What's that?" Tobi asked.

"Go to your room Tobi," Zetsu said.

"Are you sure?" they all asked.

"Yeah, what else could they have been doing?" Deidara said.

Itachi got up, "I got to see this," he said.

The rest followed and they all peaked into the room.

"That's nasty," Sasori said and Deidara was covering his eyes.

"It doesn't look like it's as much fun as gay sex," Hidan said, although the only sex he ever gets is being raped by Kakuzu.

"Aw yeah, Leader's getting his freak on," Kisame said.

"Let's go I'm getting sick," Deidara said, "Sasori after all this we're going to do it six ways till Sunday." When Deidara said that there was a flashing red arrow pointing up above Sasori's head and a ding sound.

When they all got back to the kitchen, Deidara immediately called Orochimaru on his pink Razor.

"O-M-G Oro, you'll never guess what happened. You have to get over here," Deidara said.

"No way, what is it?" Orochimaru asked.

"We saw Leader and Konan having sex."

"Ew, gross," Orochimaru said, "We'll be there soon. Hey Sasuke, get your pants on we're going to the Akatsuki's."

"Why?" Deidara heard Sasuke asked.

"Leader and Konan had sex."

"Gross."

(Dial tone)

The Akatsuki all sat back down and talked amongst themselves. Pein and Konan walked in and everyone immediately shut up and looked at the two.

"Whatever you guys are thinking about doing, stop it," Pein said, "What's for breakfast?"

"The usual, you know," Deidara said, his smile a bit too wide.

"Hey Konan, want a sausage and two eggs?" Kisame asked, pushing a plate over to her. Ever hear of phallic imagery? Yeah…it looks like that.

"Um…sure," Konan said a bit suspicious.

"Heeeee-," Orochimaru stopped his usual greeting when he saw Pein, "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeey." He then glared at Konan, obviously jealous.

"So how was your morning Leader?" Orochimaru asked.

"Fine," Pein said.

"Just fine?"

"Yeah…"

"Are you offended by that?" Kisame asked Konan.

"What?" the woman asked.

"Hey Dei, I hope you don't mind, but I invited a friend over. He just has to be here," Orochimaru whispered.

"Ok, who is it?" Deidara asked.

Slam

Jiraiya burst in with Naruto in tow. The old man nodded and Pein and smiled perversely. While Sasuke pretended to ignore Naruto and check him out at the same time.

"What are you doing here?" Pein asked.

Jiraiya walked over to Pein and held up his hand, "High five."

"Hey can I have some breakfast?" Naruto asked.

"Huh? Sure," Pein said, distractedly and high fived Jiraiya.

Jiraiya now looked at Konan, "I bet you like it dirty right?" he said.

"Pardon me?!" Konan asked.

"Yeah, you like it rough don't you?" Jiraiya continued going on with his perverted remarks.

"I'm trying to eat here," Deidara said.

Jiraiya also sat down to eat. So now the organization plus four other were eating here and Pein looked very confused. The others were chatting and laughing, about what, Pein and Konan did not know.

"Ok, that's it," Pein said, standing up, "What going on?"

Deidara could no longer take it anymore, "I saw your penis!" he yelled, "…and Konan's vagina, but that was nasty."

"…What!?" Pein asked.

"We caught you having sex!" Kisame said, strangely happy.

Konan hid her face with her hands in shame while Pein looked angry beyond belief.
"Seriously Leader, you're yelling at us for having sex, when you do it too," Deidara said, not noticing Pein's anger, "I mean really, talk about hypocritical."

"Deidara, sit down," Sasori said.

"Ok, fine! I have sex with this woman," Pein yelled pointing at Konan, "And it's to get rid of the stress you all give me, mind you! I admit it! I like boobs!" Pein stood behind Konan and grabbed her breasts. Konan looked down at his hands annoyed.

"Good man," Jiraiya said.

"Such a waste," Orochimaru murmured, shaking his head.

"I'm going to do this," Pein said, removing one of his hands to point at the others before quickly putting it back in place, "And I'm going to continue doing this so you all can shut the fuck up."

"Um…Leader," Deidara said, pointing at Konan.

Pein quickly removed his hands from their spot, "Man, I'm in trouble."

"How can you touch those?" Orochimaru asked.

"You know what, in the living room," Pein said, "The rest of you, get out."

Orochimaru, Sasuke and Jiraiya left, but Naruto did not.

"What are you waiting for? Get out!" Pein said, throwing Naruto outside, "…wait…"

A Few Days Later

The Akatsuki minus Pein and Konan were hanging around in the living room. All were thankful that the two weren't in the room because they had been arguing the past few days.

"You have no idea what goes on here, do you?!" Konan yelled, storming into the room.

"I know what goes on here, I just try to ignore it," Pein said.

The two continued to argue and the rest of the Akatsuki ignored them.

"Man, they've been going at it for days," Deidara said.

"Think it's our fault?" Sasori asked.

"Nah," Deidara said after a minute.

"Tch, you're useless," Konan said, crossing her arms.

"…come again?" Pein asked, walking up to Konan so that they were a few inches apart.

Konan glared at him, "You're…useless."

At that, the rest of the Akatsuki turned their attention to Pein and Konan. They all thought Pein was going to back down…he doesn't have the balls to stand up to Konan.

Pein slowly lifted his arm and smacked Konan across the face.

The others gasped and flew back, plastering themselves against the wall, except Itachi who stood just stood up in excitement.

"Y-you hit me," Konan said, shocked.

"That's right," Pein said, "Today's my day! I'm taking back this organization!" While he said this though, the only thing going through his head was, "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die."

Konan shook her hair out of her face and slapped Pein back.

Zetsu quickly covered Tobi's eye and ears.

"What's happening?" Tobi asked.

"Nothin' dawg," black Zetsu said.

"Nothing…human," white Zetsu said.

Pein closed his eyes and nodded slowly, then slapped Konan again.

The other Akatsuki became more nervous, but Itachi moved closer.

"Itachi, what's that?" Deidara said.

Itachi looked down at his crotch, "Huh, I didn't think that thing worked anymore," he said, "Hey there, sleepyhead."

Konan glared daggers at Pein and tackled him. The two continued to fight and Itachi quite enjoyed the whole thing.

"You're tearing this family apart!" Deidara shrieked dramatically.

"Heeeeeeeee-WOAH!" Orochimaru walked in with an uninterested Sasuke. "Why are they fighting?"

"We don't know!" Deidara said.

"Who cares," Orochimaru said, "Hit her! Hit her!"

"That's it, guys break it up!" Deidara demanded.

Sasori pulled Konan off of Pein and the others tried to restrain Pein.

"I'll kill you!" Konan yelled.

"I'll kill your family!" Pein retorted.

"We don't have any family!"

"They didn't want you!"

"Alright, that's enough," Deidara said.

-Break-

Now Pein and Konan were sitting on opposite ends of the couch with most of the other Akatsuki members guarding them. Both were really beat up and some of Pein's piercings were gone.

"You fight like a girl," Pein said after a second.

"I bet you miss these," Konan mocked, holding up some of Pein's missing earrings.

"That's it!" Pein tried to stand up, but Kakuzu and Kisame held him down.

Just then, Deidara walked in wearing a doctor's coat, round glasses and a small fake beard.

"You look like an idiot," Pein said.

"Don't be mean to Deidara," Konan said.

"Oh shut up!"

"You shut up!"

"Quiet!" Deidara yelled and threw two small bombs at Pein and Konan's feet, "First off, let's start off with what we like about each other…Leader?"

"She has boobs. That's all she's good for," Pein said.

"Nothing," Konan said.

"Ok, moving on. What word would you use to describe the other?" Deidara asked.

"Ass."

"Bitch."

"Ok this is not working," Deidara said, "Listen, this is no way to handle a relationship. Take me and Sasori-danna for example; we have different opinions, him and his stupid fake eternal 'art' and my perfect, exploding art."

"Deidara, I'm right here," Sasori said.

"Anyways, we still love each other and get along and have hot, kinky sex. You guys should respect your differences. Learn to love your differences."

…

"Guys…here's some money…go away," Pein said, handing them a bunch of money.

"Where do we go?" Deidara asked.

"Doesn't matter, just go," Konan said.

"Gay bar?" Deidara asked the others.

"Hot," Orochimaru said.

"I could get into that," Sasuke said.

"Oh yeah," Sasori said.

"Yeah, gay bar, have fun," Konan said. She and Pein practically pushing them out the door.

At Gay Bar

Tobi was on a table swinging his coat around. The crowd was yelling "Tobi, Tobi, Tobi!"

Kisame was hitting on a fish and Kakuzu was pimping out Hidan. Sasori and Deidara were grinding.

The End