Hello! What do ya know a story that isn't romance by me! Actually it's not by me, my brother made all this up and I just typed it and made it look like a story. So if you think it's funny, that's my brother, he got all the humor in our family.
Summary: It's the Akatsuki's toughest mission yet, finding Itachi a birthday present. Can they do it? CRACK
Neither of us owns anything
Itachi's Birthday
It was two days till the dreaded day: Itachi's birthday, the hardest person in Akatsuki to shop for.
So, Pein packed all the Akatsuki (Minus Itachi) into the Akatsuki's black mini van and drove to Target in search of a present.
"Well first off, what does Itachi like?" Pein asked as the group walked down the aisles of the store.
"I don't know, he never says anything," Kisame said after thinking for a minute.
"Well, what's in his room?" Pein asked, hoping for a clue.
"Nothing! It's completely black," Kisame said.
"Does he even sleep?" Sasori asked, raising an eyebrow.
"I've never seen him sleep…have you Kisame?" Pein asked the shark-like man.
"Nope, he just stands there. I once stayed up all night to see of he'd sleep, but he never did," Kisame said.
"How about some gum…" Hidan said, then abruptly turned around, "Does he eat?!"
"I've never seen him, un…" Deidara said, after returning from the make-up section.
"Um…how many candles do we need? How old is he even?" Pein said, becoming exasperated.
"Oh god!" Kisame yelled, hitting his head on a wall.
"We could get him a hooker," Zetsu said, "That I'll eat afterwards…"
"Does he like boys or girls?" Pein asked.
"Why don't we get one of each and see which he goes to?" Sasori suggested.
"He's a murderer, not a dog!" Pein said.
"We can get him a giftcard," Konan said.
"To where?" Pein asked pointedly.
"Good point," Konan replied.
"Does he even blink, un?" Deidara asked, getting confused.
"I don't know…" Kisame said.
"I'll call him," Pein said, pulling out his cell phone. The phone stopped ringing, but there was no hello, just faint breathing, "He breathes guys," Pein told the other, "Hey Itachi, I'm assuming you are there and we were wondering…how old are you?"
"Sixty," he replied monotonously.
"Sixty?" Pein asked surprised.
"Uchiha's killed," Itachi said and hung up.
"Bastard hung up on me," Pein said, "Come on guys, looks like we're going to have to go to the next level."
The group pilled into the mini-van and drove all the way to Konoha. Just giving the guards an evil look got them in. They got Sasuke and dragged him, thrashing about, out of the village and tied him to a tree.
"What did you guys want?" he asked.
"It's almost Itachi's birthday. What should we get him?" Pein asked, point blank.
"How should I know," Sasuke spat out.
"What did you get him when he was here?" Pein asked.
"I just got him money," Sasuke replied.
"What did he buy?" Pein asked.
"He always told me he lost it. Once I asked him what he was going to buy ten seconds after I handed it to him and he still said he lost it," Sasuke said, rolling his eyes.
"Okay looks like we're not going to get anything here," Pein said and they all left, forgetting to let Sasuke go.
By now it was lunchtime, so Pein drove them to McDonalds to get something.
"I want a Big Mac," Hidan said.
"No, you never finish it," Pein replied.
"I want a Happy Meal," Tobi said happily.
"Dammit Tobi, I know you want a Happy Meal," Pein yelled, then sighed, "What do we get Itachi?"
"Don't go there," Kisame warned.
Through this whole charade the guy ordering the food was listening to the conversation, wondering what was going on.
"Kakuzu, what do you want?" Pein asked.
"I don't want anything," Kakuzu replied, not wanting to spend more money than they already were.
"You have to eat something," Pein said.
"Deidara and I want to go to Burger King," Sasori said.
"Then you should have said something before we got here," Pein said annoyed.
"I want a Big Mac," Hidan repeated.
"No Hidan. What about you Konan?" Pein asked.
"I don't want anything, I'm watching my figure," Konan said.
"You're always watching your figure, it concerns me," Pein said, "You know what Kakuzu; I'm getting you a McFlurry."
"I don't want anything…give me the change," Kakuzu said.
"Fine, we're going to Burger King," Pein said, getting fed up.
"I want a Whopper," Hidan said, when they got there.
"You can't have a Whopper, that's bigger than a Big Mac," Pein said, rubbing his head.
"What toys do they have here?" Tobi asked.
"I'll check," Pein said, "Uh, what toys do you have now?"
"One Piece and Barbie," the guy replied.
"That's a tough choice," Tobi said, "Can I watch Spongebob?" he asked, forgetting his earlier dilemma.
"No, I hate Spongebob," Pein said. Pein cell phone rang and he answered it.
"Where are the knives?" Itachi asked.
"We keep the knives away from you know," Pein said annoyed, "…do you want knives for your birthday?"
"We already have some," Itachi said.
"Yeah, whatever," Pein growled and hung up.
After buying practically everything at Burger King the Akatsuki returned home. Itachi was standing in the exact same spot they left him.
"Do you ever move Itachi? There are cobwebs on you," Pein said, rolling his eyes.
"Hn," Itachi replied.
Hidan searched through the Burger King bags, "Where my Whopper?"
Pein smacked his forehead in exasperation.
"I want to watch TV," Deidara said.
"No, you all argue too much on what to watch," Pein said.
"I want to watch Scrubs," Sasori said.
"No one wants to watch Scrubs!" Pein shouted.
"I want to watch CSI Miami," Itachi said.
"Would you want a CSI Miami shirt?" Pein asked hopefully.
"I have my cloak," Itachi said.
"I want to watch Spongebob," Tobi said.
"We're already watching Spongebob," Pein said, "Isn't this show over yet?"
"I read in the paper that they had a lawsuit against them" Zetsu said.
"We have a paper? Which means someone must deliver it! We're supposed to be hidden!' Pein yelled, "Screw you guys I'm going to bed." Pein said, getting up and going to his room after popping some Advil.
-Break-
The next day, Pein walked sluggishly down the stairs into the kitchen, not at all looking foreword to another day with his supposedly evil organization. He gave Deidara a look when he saw he had curlers in his hair.
"What's for breakfast?" Pein asked, ignoring the gender confused Deidara.
"Money down the drain," said Kakuzu.
"So Itachi, your birthday's tomorrow…" Pein said to the Uchiha.
"Hn."
"Are you excited?"
"Hn."
"Fine, I'll just come out and say it, how old are you and what the hell do you want?"
"Twenty."
"Close enough," Pein said, "What the drinking age here?"
"Like ten," Sasori said, flipping through the paper.
"I want a puppy," Tobi said suddenly.
"No Tobi, no more animals. Not after than one incident," Pein said, he turned his attention back to Itachi, "Do you like boys or girls?"
"Hn."
"You know what? How about we give you Deidara and call it both," Pein said.
Deidara huffed and flipped his hair, now out of the curlers.
"Well now we can at least get you a card," Pein said, "Come on everyone. Itachi stay here."
"Hn."
-Break-
"How about this one?" Deidara asked at Hallmark.
"It has a puppy on it," Sasori said.
"Why don't we just get a damn card and spray paint it black and write 'Happy Twentieth Birthday Itachi' in red and sign all out names," Pein said. Everyone agreed so they bought the card and gathered back into the mini-van.
"I want to go to Taco Bell," Hidan said.
"No," Pein said firmly.
"I want a Mexican Pizza," Hidan added.
"You never finish it," Pein said.
"Let's go to Subway," Sasori suggested.
"Dammit, we're not going to Subway!" Pein said.
Eventually Pein was persuaded to go to Taco Bell.
"I'll have one billion tacos and some cinnamon twists," Pein ordered. After getting all their food they were driving away when Pein noticed they hadn't gotten their cinnamon twists. He did a u-turn and stomped back into the store. After getting the cinnamon twists and yelling at an employee he returned to the van.
"What did I just sit on?" Pein asked when he heard a squelching noise when he sat down. The other Akatsuki members giggled. Pein grabbed the taco he sat on and threw it back at them.
"Who did it?" he asked and the others just giggled, "I swear to god you guys, you are seriously running down my patience. Why don't I just kill you all and hire new, better, not insane member?"
"I want a pet," Tobi said.
"Good god, fine if it will make you happy, I'll get you a pet," Pein said.
-Break-
"We should go to Disney World," Tobi said at the Pet Store.
"You've been pitching that for years Tobi, no. Now go find a pet," Pein commanded.
"What about Sea World?" Deidara asked.
"We got banned from there after Kisame got caught humping Shamu," Pein said.
"I think we should go to Sea World," Kisame said.
"No, you just want to go see your orca-shark hybrids," Pein said.
"I want a hamster," Tobi said.
"This morning you wanted a dog," Pein said, he turned around to find Kisame humping a fish tank, "Dammit Kisame, get off there! I can't take you anywhere!"
"No I want a hamster," Tobi said.
"No, hamsters make noise! They don't sleep," Pein said.
"Like Itachi, un," Deidara noted.
"Yeah, but Itachi doesn't make noise. He just stands there…god, I miss him," Pein said in despair.
"I still want a hamster," Tobi said.
"No Tobi, as long as you all live in my lair you are under my rules. I pay all the bills after all and the lease! Look at these bills! Five hours is the shower Deidara!" Pein yelled.
"Well, by then I was done conditioning," Deidara said.
"What happened?!" Pein asked.
"Hot water ran out," Deidara said.
"You used all the hot water?!" Pein shouted.
"Hey leader, can we get a female fish…you know to reproduce?" Kisame asked, wiggling his eyebrows.
"No Kisame!!" Pein yelled.
"Can I get a cat?" Tobi asked.
"Fine, we can get a cat," Pein said, nearing the end of his rope. So the Akatsuki bought a cat and finally returned home.
"We're back Itachi," Pein told Itachi, still in the exact same place he was when they left.
"What's that?" Itachi asked when he saw the cat.
"We got a cat," Pein said.
"…can I see it?" Itachi asked.
Tobi handed Itachi the cat and the Uchiha petted it.
"Whatever, I need some Advil," Pein said and walked to the kitchen.
-Break-
The Next Day: Itachi's Birthday
Pein walked heavily down the stairs. He slammed Itachi's birthday card on the table, "Happy fuckin Birthday."
"…thanks," Itachi said, "I like it…and the black frosting on the cake."
For once everyone was quiet, "This is really nice…" Pein said…and then the cat peed on the floor, "Come on! Can things not wrong for one…what is that stain?!"
"Um…it was me?" Tobi said uncertainly, not wanting to get his cat taken away.
"Don't be silly Tobi, we had you house broken years ago!" Pein said, "Konan, you're a women, clean it up!"
"Excuse me?!" she said.
"I mean…Hidan, clean that up," Pein ordered.
"No, not unless I get a Big Mac," Hidan said defiantly.
"For the love of-fine, I'll get you a Big Mac," Pein said.
After Hidan cleaned the stain, Pein drove just the two of them to McDonalds to get Hidan's Big Mac.
Two Bites Later (In car)
"I'm done," Hidan said.
"What the hell?! This is why is said you couldn't get one," Pein yelled and pulled over, "Eat it."
"But I'm full…" Hidan started to say.
"Eat it!"
Back at the Lair
"How did you throw up just by eating one burger, Hidan, seriously," Pein scolded while hosing out the van, "You even puked blue, what the hell did you eat?"
"Yeah whatever, I was wondering Leader if you would all go to church with me," Hidan said.
"No, knowing your religion all you guys do is kill each other," Pein said.
"That is true. We pick a random member of the audience to sacrifice," Hidan said.
"We'll go!" Pein said quickly.
United Church of Jashin
"Itachi…what's in your shirt?" Pein asked, seeing the lump in Itachi's cloak.
"Nothing…" Itachi said.
"Unzip it and show me then," Pein commanded.
"Are you coming on to me?" Itachi asked.
"Fine, never mind," Pein said, rubbing his head.
"This is just great," Hidan complained, "Since Dei took five hours on her-"
"I'm a boy, un," Deidara interjected.
"No one believed you!" he shouted, "Now there are no good seats left."
"There aren't any good seats here," Pein said, "They're just seats."
Pein crossed his fingers hoping for one of the members to be sacrificed.
Back Home
After an unsuccessful attempt to get rid of one of the Akatsuki members, the group returned home. It was dinnertime, which meant they were ordering pizza.
"I don't want to have to ask this, but what does everyone want?" Pein asked.
"Vegetarian," Sasori said.
"That's gross," Zetsu commented.
"What do you want Zetsu?" Pein asked.
"Can you grind up human?" he asked.
"The best you can get is sausage," Pein said.
"Fine," Zetsu said.
"Can I-" Hidan began.
"No you don't finish it!" Pein yelled, "Where is Deidara? He's been in the shower for ten hours!"
Speak of the devil; Deidara entered the room, a towel wrapped around his chest like a girl.
"This is why we question your gender," Pein said.
"I don't want you to see me, un," Deidara said, guarding his upper body.
"We'll just get one of everything," Pein said, getting exasperated with the pizza situation.
"We don't have the money," Kakuzu said.
"Yes we do!" Pein shouted.
"I want anchovies," Kisame said.
"No Kisame, you just pick them off and take them to your room to do god knows what to them," Pein said, "Itachi what do you want?"
"Hn,"
"Can I get a salad," Konan asked.
"Sure,"
"We can get a salad, but not veggie?" Sasori asked, angrily.
"Fine we'll get whatever you want," Pein said and dialed the pizza place number, "Hello, I'd like to order, seven cheese, four pepperoni, two veggie and one sausage pizza and a salad…delivered to…" Pein looked at the other members, "What about delivery? You know what I guess you getting human after all Zetsu."
"Sweet,"
"The address is…"
That's it! Odd ending I know, but whatever. Please review.