Worth It

"I'm telling you, James," said Sirius Black to his best friend. "Women are nothing but trouble. You're better off without her, mate."

James said nothing, just gave Sirius a look over his shoulder.

Sirius shrugged and fell back onto his four-poster bed, sliding his arms under his head and crossing his ankles. "I'll never have a girlfriend."

"Why not?" asked Peter from his own bed.

"I'll tell you why!" Sirius sat up as though to further drive home the point he was about to make. "Women tie you down! They don't let you live your own life! They interfere with everything you try to do!" He extended his hand. "Take Moony for example. He can't even take a walk to the library."

"What are you talking about?" laughed Remus in confusion.

"Emily Rose," said Sirius.

"She tripped."

"Of course she did," Sirius rolled his eyes, "right into your arms!"

"Because I reached out to catch her!"

Sirius threw his hands into the air. "Whatever. If you can't see that she's clearly been trying to catch you alone for the past week, it's not my problem. And it's probably better in the long run. Like I said, women are nothing but trouble."

He paused in his speech, falling back again to resume his previous position on the bed. "The point is, I'm trying to save poor James here from a very sorry fate. Sure, things might be all fine and dandy for a little while, but eventually there's going to be problems, and they're going to come from her end. You're not going to be her knight in shinning armor anymore. She's going to want to polish you up. And that means spending less time with your friends and getting rid of that poster of your favorite Quidditch team and taking on more 'responsibilities' . . .

"I don't need all that," he shook his head. "All I need is me . . . and one of those flying motorbikes I've been looking at. I can go where I want to go, do what I want to do, be anyone I want to be, and no girl is going to be there to tell me 'no.' That's freedom. You won't get that by being sweet on Lily Evens."

"So she's got you doing the dishes now, does she?"

James smiled as Sirius came into the kitchen and lifted himself up to sit on the counter. He gave his friend a look that clearly said, "Don't let Lily catch you up there."

Sirius shook his head. "What did I tell you? Women are restricting."

James just laughed as he summoned a towel to dry the dish in his hands.

"How long has it been since she got you to throw out your Quidditch poster?"

James smiled, placing the dish in the strainer. "How long has it been since you got that motorcycle you've always wanted?"

There was a moment of silence before they both asked, "Are you happy?"

They laughed at each other and looked away before Sirius answered, "Yeah" at the same time that James said, "Yes."

Sirius swung his legs. "I don't see you guys as often as I used to."

"Yeah, well . . ." James flicked his want at the soap, "the world's not as safe as it used to be."

"And you got married . . . and you have a baby on the way. All that responsibility."

"The baby won't be born for six months yet, and don't even begin to tell me that I'm harder to get hold of than Remus and Peter."

Sirius held up his hands in defeat. "Remus has his furry little problem . . . and I don't even know what's up with Peter nowadays. Do you-?"

"Sirius Black! Get off my counter this minute!"

Sirius leapt down as though Lily had conjured a fire underneath him. "I was just telling your man here that you keep him pretty restrained."

She smiled. "Well, then, the brainwash treatments are working, are they?"

James laughed, nearly dropping the dish in his hands as Lily leaned in to kiss him.

Sirius grinned at the two of them. The married life wasn't for him, but, looking at James and Lily, he supposed that it was right for some men. "I better get going."

Lily turned to him. "Oh, must you? Please stay a little longer. You can sit on the counter all you want."

Sirius chuckled. "No, I have to go. But thanks, Lil."

She hugged him. He put his arms around her, and she kissed him on the check. All in all, Sirius didn't think James could have found himself a nicer girl.

"Stay safe," she said when she let him go.

"You too."

James finished the last dish and embraced his best friend. Then Sirius took off into the night sky where there were no women, babies, or responsibilities to tie him down.

He nearly crash-landed the motorbike. As soon as he felt the wheels touch the ground, he sprung from the seat. The bike tipped over on its side but he didn't notice as he sprinted toward the house faster than his legs had ever carried him.

It couldn't be. It just couldn't. Lily and James-

He ran into something large and soft but definitely solid.

"Sirius? Sirius Black?"

He looked up at a giant of a man. "H-Hagrid?"

Hagrid held out a large, beefy hand, and pulled Sirius to his feet.

"Are they-I mean, Lily and James-" Sirius stammered. "Have you been-?" He stopped short as his eyes fell on the bundle in Hagrid's arms.

"They're gone, Sirius." Hagrid's voice sounded tight, like the words were being squeezed out of him.

It took a moment for Sirius to realize what Hagrid was talking about. "What? No! They can't-!" He started toward the house but stopped short. Even in the dark he could see where the house had been blown apart. In his mind's eye he could imagine Lily and James's bodies laying mangled in the nursery or having been blasted away into nothing.

A terrible anguish ran though him, and he wanted to scream with it, to let out the anger and heartache. But the horror and shock of it all seemed to be constricting his airway, and though his mouth was open, nothing came out but a quiet strangled sound that not even Hagrid, standing just a few steps from him, could hear. The world started spinning.

A heavy weight drop onto his shoulder, and this steadied him somehow. When he pulled himself together enough to look around, he realized the weight was Hagrid's hand.

"I'm sorry." Hagrid sounded broken up himself.

Sirius suddenly realized that he was shaking. He wondered how long he'd been doing that. Lily and James gone, and poor little Harry-

It occurred to him that a great responsibility had just been passed over. "Give Harry to me, Hagrid, I'm his godfather. I'll look after him. James would have wanted me to-"

"I can't, Sirius. I got me orders from Dumbledore. Harry's ter go ter his aunt an' uncle's."

"He hasn't got any - Lily's relatives?"

"Dumbledore says it's the safest place for him."

"The Muggles?" Sirius didn't know much about Lily's relations, but he remembered her sending a letter to them about Harry's birth and then crying over the nasty response she'd gotten back. How could sending Harry off to those people be what was best for him? "Hagrid, you can't be serious! I'm his godfather. Harry's care passes to me."

"Then yeh'll have ter talk ter Dumbledore. I got me orders, Sirius!"

"Surely you can see he'd be safer with me than with-" But would Harry be safer with him? Peter was working for Voldemort. Peter had betrayed Lily and James to their deaths. But it wasn't Lily and James Voldemort had been after. He had wanted Harry, and Harry hadn't been killed. The job wasn't finished. Voldemort might be gone, but his followers were still out there. They would come after Harry, and Wormtail knew Sirius was godfather.

"You're right," Sirius said slowly. "You're right. Dumbledore's right. Of course, he's right. He's always right." Sirius took a breath to steady himself. Keep Harry safe. Was that not Sirius's duty as godfather? Until Wormtail was gone, Harry would be safest at his aunt and uncle's. "How are you getting Harry to him?"

"Well, I was jus' goin' ter-"

"You can't apparate with a one-year-old, Hagrid."

"I wasn' goin' ter. I was jus' . . ." Hagrid fingered his pink umbrella.

Sirius had quite enough experience with Hagrid's magical abilities.

Keep Harry safe.

"Take my motorbike, Hagrid. I won't need it anymore."

Hagrid looked at the motorcycle, then back at Sirius. "Yer sure? I-"

"Just take it," he insisted. "Get Harry out of here."

Hagrid went over to the bike and mounted it. Only after seeing how well Hagrid fit on the thing did Sirius suddenly realize how huge the bike really was.

"I'll bring it back ter yeh after I'm done."

Sirius shook his head. "I told you, I won't need it anymore. Keep it."

He watched Hagrid go, knowing that the giant had probably assumed Sirius was just distraught and therefore not thinking very clearly. But Sirius knew he wouldn't need the bike where he was going.

Keep Harry safe.

He'd land himself in Azkaban or die trying.

"Careful, or we might make a habit out of this."

It was the second time she'd tripped since they met, and it was the second time he'd caught her.

"Sure beats landing on the floor," she smiled.

He steadied her. "Goodnight, Tonks."

"Goodnight, Remus."

The door to Number Twelve Grimmauld Place closed softly as she left.

Remus jumped at the sound of laughter behind him. He turned to find Sirius. "You're supposed to be asleep."

"I couldn't resist," he said smiling. He laughed again. He then proceeded into the kitchen where Remus and Tonks had been only a few moments ago. He was still laughing.

"Mind if I ask what's so hysterical?" Remus followed him.

Sirius summoned a cup out the cupboard and started making tea. "It's funny looking back and seeing how much has changed and how much has stayed exactly the same."

"What do you mean?" Remus took a seat at the table.

"Take Tonks for example. The women are still falling all over you."

"She tripped."

"Of course she did, right into you arms." Sirius turned to look at Remus.

"We are not continuing that conversation," he said, but there was a smile fighting to break though his unamused expression.

Sirius laughed again and turned back to his cup. "You know, Moony, it's fine. You can stay up until-" he checked his watch "-four o'clock in the morning chatting with some woman-"

"We lost track of time."

"-just because you find that she's easy to talk to-"

"She's a nice-"

"-or you like her company or whatever-"

"It's not like-"

"-You can do these things and lose track of the time and catch her when she falls on the way out the door and not have any romantic strings attached. It's fine. I'm not going to hold it over your head, Moony. But you should know that you were the one who lost track of the time, not her. She's been wanting to talk to you since she laid eyes on you."

Remus was used to Sirius's taunting. Somehow, it always took him a while to remember that he was better off just keeping his mouth shut. He took a sip of his tea to pass the silence. It had long since turned cold.

"You should take her out or something."

Remus choked on his mouthful of tea, not so much at the suggestion but more at who was suggesting it. When he finally got his eyes to stop watering, he looked up at Sirius and noticed that his tea was made, still sitting on the counter, which Sirius's back was against. He was staring at Remus, waiting for his response.

"Okay, first of all," his voice was raspy at first, "who says I have the money to take her anywhere-"

"You could go to the park or something. It's free."

"-and secondly, what ever happened to 'women tie you down'?"

"Being tied down," said Sirius slowly, "is not such a bad thing."

Remus waited for him to explain.

Sirius sighed and turned back to his tea. He stirred it to give himself something to do. "When James asked me to be Harry's godfather, I was honored, deeply honored, but if something were to happen to him and Lily, I didn't want that responsibility. I didn't want to be 'tied down' with a kid. I suggested that he pick someone else, but he wouldn't have it. I guess he thought I wouldn't have to take care of Harry, or he thought I would have grown up a little by the time it came to that."

He turned again. "I was there, Remus. I've told you. I ran into Hagrid. He'd gotten Harry out of the house, and I asked him to give Harry to me. I wanted to take care of him. I wanted to do what James had asked me to. I wanted that responsibility. But Dumbledore believed Harry was safer at his aunt and uncle's. And I realized that he was right. Wormtail knew too much. Harry couldn't be safe with me until he was gone.

"It wasn't just about Lily and James. It was about Harry. I went after him for Harry. I was fully prepared to kill Wormtail and get sent to Azkaban for it as long as it kept Harry safe." Sirius shrugged. "Obviously, it didn't turn out the way I had planned. I spent twelve years in Azkaban with Wormtail running free. Harry was living with the Muggles so he could be safe from Voldemort, but there was no one there to keep him safe from the Muggles. I could have done that. I could have been there to make sure his aunt and uncle treated him right. All it would have taken was a letter every now and then, but I was stuck - going mad - in Azkaban! Even now I'm stuck in this house and I can't help him . . ."

"You're only an owl away," Remus told him.

Sirius waved him off. "That's not the point. It's just that sometimes I wonder if I'm doing this whole godfather thing right. I know how I'd like to do it, but things never do work out the way you'd like them too."

He took a seat at the table, leaving his tea on the counter. "The point is, Moony, my life would be a whole lot simpler if I didn't have that boy to worry about, but on the other hand he's the best thing I've got going for myself. I wouldn't trade being his godfather for the world."

Remus didn't get it. "I understand you want to be there for him, but . . . this relates to women how exactly?"

"Moony, I know why you shy away from relationships, and that's understandable, but you should give it a go anyway. You and Tonks - or any other woman that comes your way - if you give it a shot, if you really go for it, if you find that it's something that you want, then you shouldn't let anything stop you.

"It's not going to be easy. You're going to have to make sacrifices, and you're going to go through hardships. There will be times you think you're doing the right thing that you will never stop kicking yourself for later down the road. There will be other times when you know without a single shred of doubt that what you did was wrong only to turn around and discover that it was exactly the right thing to do. You're going to second guess yourself over and over again to the point that you'll want to quit, but you can't do that. Because no matter how confused and self-doubting you might get, there's someone who's counting on you to pull through, and you've got to do it for them.

"And you know what?" Sirius stood from the chair. "In the end, you realize it's worth it."

Remus said nothing, just watched as Sirius took the tea he had made and dumped it down the sink.

Sirius's words rang in Remus's ears as he stretched his hand out for the doorknob.

It's not going to be easy.

How? How was he going to do this? How could he face her after he'd nearly walked out on her and the baby?

There will be times you think you're doing the right thing that you will never stop kicking yourself for later down the road.

He'd been so certain leaving them was the best option. He was just trying to keep them safe. He wanted them to have a good life, a better life than the one he thought they'd have if he stayed with them. But then Harry had thrown all those good intentions back in his face.

You're going to second guess yourself over and over again to the point that you'll want to quit, but you can't do that. Because-

"They're worth it." Remus said aloud.

It was true. Everything he'd done these past two years, he'd done for her. And he hadn't quit until now, until he'd decided that walking out was the best the choice. But he understood how wrong that decision had been. Harry and Sirius had helped him to see that. Being tied down wasn't a bad thing. It was a blessing in disguise. How many days had been thankful he'd had Tonks with him? Was he really willing to throw all that away? No. Tonks was counting on him. The baby was counting on him. He couldn't leave . . . and he suddenly didn't want to anymore.

When the battle broke out at Hogwarts, Remus would be there fighting for his wife and his son, fighting for his family, fighting for the responsibility Sirius had never wanted or valued until it was shoved in his hands.

He would fight, even if it meant his death, because it was worth it.

Written for the Reviews Lounge RL Fanon Challenge. The point of the challenge was to pick a fact that shows up so much in HP fannon that it's practically considered cannon and turn it on it's head. I chose the fannon fact of Sirius as a lady's man.