Summary: This is set after the fic 'The Return', which in turn followed the fics 'Defeat' and 'Departure'. Pls read them first if you can.

Warning: The angst continues. Contains nightmares and bereavement. AU reality.

Spoilers: Outcast (season 4)

Disclaimers: I own no part of the Stargate world, I make no money from this endeavour. It allows me to let my muse out to play.

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Chapter one…..

The hot full summer sunlight dappled down through the tall trees around her, casting her in cooling shadow. Teyla swung the axe once again, the blade slicing into the bark with a heavy thud. This was the most stubborn tree she had ever met.

In an effort to expand their camp and to gather more wood for new tents the council had decided to take down this old tree. It was massive, blocking light and in its furthest branches a disease had set in. So the decision was made to cut it down. It had taken an entire team of the most skilled and strongest men and women to cut down its massive limbs. Once down to a pruned large trunk they had begun to cut it down further; which took an amazingly large amount of time. Now barely more than a short stump in the earth it still refused to be shifted. They had dug out around its base, revealing a ridiculous amount of thick strong roots that appeared to stretch deep down into the planet's crust by Teyla's reckoning.

Try as they might, they could not seem to release the stump's hold on the earth. It was as if it were fighting back against them. Eventually the other Athosians had given up on the stump, stating that perhaps they needed to respect this amazing tree and leave it be. They had more light and space and enough wood to use. But, Teyla was determined.

She swung the axe again and it embedded deeply into the uppermost root she was working on. Behind her Halling's axe echoed her own, as he worked to chop the limbs into workable lengths. It was enjoyable working alongside Halling, but she knew he saw her determination to remove this old stump as something of an unhealthy obsession. She did not. She would not give up.

It had become a symbol for defeat in her mind. She would not give in and instead worked in her spare time to fight it. As she pulled the axe free she took in the tiny mark she had made she realised that perhaps there were quicker ways to achieve her aim.

The thought of a block of C4 entered her mind and not for the first time. She felt a moment of glee at the image of the stump exploding and a smile crossed her face. She would contact Atlantis and request a block or two. And it would give her an excuse to visit the city. It had been a month since John had returned and she had visited him twice a week since. Though he did not appear overly happy to see her each time, she was determined. And he did not ask her not to visit him and she took that as a good sign. She would not lose her connection to this man. He meant more to her than that.

Physically he was doing well, and was attending almost daily sessions with Kate Heightmeyer. Everyone told her that he was progressing well, but she was not convinced. Though she and John had drifted apart, she still knew him better than anyone else. And she saw that he was suppressing and withholding. He had turned inwards, and though he had put back on most of his weight and was able to sit in a crowded room without flinching at every sound, she knew he was still very hurt. She could see it in his eyes, in how he held his body and she knew he had not truly spoken openly about his experiences with anyone.

She did not expect him to reveal those experiences to her, but she wanted to be available for him just in case he did. And perhaps also to make sure that there was someone around him who knew he needed more support. She knew he was fully aware that she was able to see into him and that was why he resisted spending too much time alone with her. He couldn't maintain much direct eye contact with her, though some of that may be due to the end of their marriage. Yet, though they had mentioned it being over on his return, nothing had been spoken of it since. He had not asked to make their separation official, and she could not bring herself to ask him if he wanted to. She wondered if she wanted it anymore.

Deep down she was determined to stay as close to him as he would allow, though some part of her felt nothing but pain and loss in their times together now. They never spoke of the past between them, instead focusing on the mundane details of life and even the weather. Then someone else would join them, or he would make an excuse to go for a walk or to the Mess Hall. It hurt even more then, but she would not give up.

"Teyla." Halling called and she looked around.

As if materialised from her thoughts John appeared in the clearing. Halling was walking towards him his hand extended. Teyla watched in pleasure as the two men shook hands. Halling had not seen John since his return and it was clear he was happy to see him now. He clasped John's shoulder as he shook his hand in the customary Earth greeting. A light smile crossed John's face and he appeared as pleased to see Halling in return.

Teyla took the opportunity whilst they were talking to wipe the sweat from her brow and to strike the axe down safely into the stump. Climbing up out of the hole around the stump she wiped her hands down and walked towards John. He had finished talking with Halling, who had disappeared subtly out of sight.

As they neared one another she noticed anew how withdrawn he was. She could even see it in how he walked, and his head was dropped. He pulled off his sunglasses and looked at her from under his brow. She noticed that the dark areas under his eyes that had been improving were once again dark, making him look exhausted and ill. The areas around his eyes were pinched.

"John." She greeted him with a smile, truthfully happy to see him. As far as she knew this was the first time he had been outside the city. He looked wrong out of his uniform, instead dressed in dark jeans and a black shirt despite the heat. The black colours only made him look paler and more tired.

"Teyla." He replied as he came to a rest slightly further away from her than was normal. She stopped as well, trying to respect his space. His eyes slid from her to the stump behind her. "I've got to go back to Earth for a bit….my father died." He said with a controlled voice.

Regret laced through her. This was the last thing he needed now. "John, I am so sorry." She said, stepping closer and laying a hand on his arm. He nodded in response, his lower lip tucking up with contained emotion. "He was a good man."

His eyes slid her hers questioningly.

"I met him and all your family." She replied softly. "At your funeral." She clarified and wondered whether he would regret that she had met them all. Had spent time talking about him. She had taken time to tell them how successful and respected John had been, was, in his position at work. His family had been so sad, especially his father who had openly wept with her over the loss of his estranged son. The memories tightened her throat and she mourned the father-in-law she had barely known.

"He didn't mention that in his letter." John said quietly, his eyes back on the stump.

"Letter?" She asked with hope.

"The Airforce sent someone out to him and my brother to tell them I was in fact alive and had been returned after being captured by enemy forces. He wrote to me just after that."

"Good." Was all she could manage. Joy that John had had some communication from his father before his death made her reach out and touch his arm again.

"I wrote back to him a couple of weeks ago. He should have read it before…." John stopped nodding and slipped his sunglasses back on.

She understood his need to hide behind the dark shields, but the angle of the light made them pretty much see through and she saw the tears in the corner of his eyes. He blinked them away.

"We were starting to re-connect as Heightmeyer would say." He continued eventually. "I need to go back for the funeral and I'm going to take some time off back on Earth."

Shock made her feel cold. "You are leaving?"

"I need some time to myself and away from everything. The SGC have given me a further six months off to recover and to decide if I want to return. I'm taking my things back with me to Earth in case I don't come back."

She was aware her mouth was hanging open slightly, so she shut it and nodded.

"You said you had some of my things here still." He continued not waiting for her to say something.

He was here to say goodbye and to take his things. It was horridly final and surprising. She looked up at him, and made no attempt to hide the emotion on her face. "You are not planning to come back are you." She stated softly.

He looked away. "I need time Teyla."

She could not argue with that. He had been through so much. Not only had their marriage faded to nothing, then to be captured and tortured and now he had lost his father. He deserved time off after all he had personally done for the people of this galaxy and for her people. But, he was leaving.

"The boxes are back in my tent." She indicated towards the camp and he nodded, turning that way. He wanted to get this over with. Together they walked the short distance to the camp. "I am afraid I gave your surf board to Jinto." She offered once they reached the tent.

She caught a light smile on his lips then. "He surfs?"

"He remembers most of what you taught him and he joins several from Atlantis every month to surf on a world with excellent waves, apparently."

"I know the one." He replied as they entered her tent.

She headed towards her cupboards and opened the largest, revealing the two boxes of his things that she had not wanted to give or throw away. She worked to pull the first box free and turned to see John looking around her tent. The sunglasses were once again off and she took in the suppressed tight eyes again. How many nights had she cried in this tent over her lost husband? And now he was here.

"Have you heard from Ronon?" She asked to distract herself.

"No." John reported with tight emotion.

"Is Rodney going with you to the funeral?" She pushed as she pulled the second box of his things from her cupboard.

"No. He's fixing the ancient shield on the kids' planet. I'm going back to Earth by myself later today. The funeral's tomorrow." He replied, his tone betraying his curiosity at her question.

The idea of him going to the funeral by himself hurt her deeply. "Could I come with you?" She found herself asking.

He was obviously surprised by the question.

"Your family may be surprised not to see me with you and I would like to pay my respects to your father as well. If you do not mind." She asked, hoping he would not stop her from accompanying him. She knew he would be met by enough questions and emotions at the funeral, that an absent wife would only add more questions. His family had thought him dead after all and he was fragile enough at the moment that she did not want him going up against all that alone.

He considered her request, obviously still thrown by it. "Ummm, okay."

"Thank you." She said with relief and pleasure. "I would like one more opportunity to see Earth."

He looked interested for a moment. "You spend much time there whilst I was…gone?"

"Only to drive to the church where your funeral was held and then we went back to your father's home."

"Really?"

"He showed me your old childhood room." She confessed. The memory of that large bedroom, so absent of the essence of John, still lingered.

"I didn't really like that room." He replied and she smiled.

"I did not think you had." She replied. For a moment she felt that connection between them. He smiled briefly once more and looked down at the boxes between them.

"This everything?" He asked.

"Yes, except for your book." She crossed over to her bedside table and pulled his book from her drawer. She carried it back towards him and saw the surprise on his face. "I finished it for you." She told him.

"It end well?" He asked taking the book slowly from her. He rubbed a hand down over the front cover.

"I believe so, but I have had to start from the beginning to understand the last few chapters."

He looked up at that and smiled with a curious frown. After a moment of thought he extended the book back to her. "Then you should keep it. So at least one of us has read the whole thing."

She looked down at the book and so wanted to keep it. "Are you sure? It means so much to you."

She could tell he was surprised by her insight, but he gestured towards her with the book again. "I can get another back on Earth. It's a popular book there."

"Oh." She took it back, well she would cherish it.

A silence descended over them as John opened the top box and peered inside.

"I will pack a bag now and go back to Atlantis with you now? I can help you carry your things back then."

He nodded. "Okay. I hadn't expected there to be so much."

She turned and began to gather together what she would need to take to Earth. "How long will we be there?"

"We'll drive up there tonight, stay in a motel. The funeral is tomorrow. I was planning to stay at the motel that night as well and head out the day after."

She nodded and added another change of clothes, leaving him time to reacquaint himself with his belongings. Her bags packed, she picked up a coat and turned back to him.

He looked up as he closed the boxes. "Ummm if we're going to play husband and wife again, then we should get some rings again."

She ignored the comment of 'playing' husband and wife. "Yes, I forgot." She pulled on the cord around her neck, pulling it over her head, the two rings shining in the dim light. "I wasn't sure if you would want yours back."

Freeing his ring she held it out to him to see his eyes wide and still on the cord in her hand. He looked back up to her eyes and she felt slightly embarrassed for a moment for her sentimentality. Slowly he reached out and took the ring from her fingers, playing with it in his fingertips as he studied it.

"You cleaned them?" He asked quietly.

"Yes." She had spent one tearful night after his death studiously cleaning them, removing every speck and tarnished blemish, as if could change what had happened.

He rolled the ring between his fingers once more before he slipped it into his pocket. She tried not to feel the rejection that action caused her. About to retie her cord, she changed her mind and for the first time in a long time she slid the band onto the correct finger of her left hand. It still fit, which was a surprise to her. She would need to wear it on Earth, so why not put it on now. Fearing to look up at him she turned and picked up her bag, coat and one of his boxes.

"Shall we go?"

He watched her for a moment, his numb yet emotionally raw eyes assessing her before he nodded and reached for the second box.

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