FINAL CHAPTER- LE GASP! IT'S SEPHIROTH!

DISCLAIMER: I do not known Final Fantasy VII or any of its characters and spin-offs. I do not own Chuck Norris either; he owns YOU.

Previously on AC: Abridged... montage style!

Kadaj: "MOTHER!"

Reno and Rude: "SIR NO!"

Kadaj: "Uh-oh! Possible confrontation!"

Biggs: "Does that mean that HK frequently watches Advent Children?"

Angeal: "Unfortunately, yes. She can watch a scene and practically say the lines for the characters! With the same tone!"

Rude: "It's our penultimate scene. I want to make an impression."

Reno: "Ah, but we're the Turks!"

Cloud and Zack: "LIARS!"

Kadaj: "I'll save you MOTHER!"

Kadaj: "The walls are narrating again!!!"

Kadaj: "NOOOO!! It's trying to EAT me!"

Aerith: "Tee hee hee!"

Cloud: "Eh, why not?"

Now, the story continues. What will happen next? Will Cloud find a happy ending? Will Cid ever attend those (BEEPING!)holics Anomynous classes? And will Kadaj ever get over his new phobia of narrating bodiless voices?

Kadaj: "THE WALLS ARE SPEAKING AGAIN!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Sigh. Apparently not. Let's continue anyway.

#

Cloud drove Fenrir to the center of the Midgar ruins. He grabbed all of his swords, in case he would have to perform some sort of mega-death attack that would be the true end of a supposedly dead arch-nemesis. CoughOmnislashcoughVersion5cough.

Somehow, Kadaj was standing on top of a hill-like cliff, holding his preeeeeeeecious black box. Heh heh, preeeeeeecious...

The corner of the Remnant's eye twitched. "The water tried to swallow us whole, Mother. Heh heheheh..."

Cloud glared at him. "Dealing with aquaphobia, Kadaj?"

"NO!!!" protested Kadaj angrily.

"Water giving you.... the shivers?"

"Absolutely NOT!"

"Two parts hydrogen! One part OXYGEN!" taunted Cloud.

A blast of blue energy erupted from Kadaj's hand, aimed straight at our blonde hero. "I HATE YOU, BIG BROTHER! ROOOOOOOOARRRRR!!!"

And thus, a crazy, whacked-out fight scene occurred. The Shera just craps out of nowhere, and the passengers onboard watch Cloud sparring with Kadaj, having absolutely no motivation to help.

Cid was, of course, driving. He swore because he couldn't find a big enough parking space. "Who the (BEEP!) designed this (BEEPING!) city?!?!" he shouted at no one in particular. He then began to randomly throw tea cups at Cait Sith because, well, he was Cait Sith.

"Laddie, stop throwing yee cups at me bloody head!"

"SHUT THE (BEEP!) UP, YA (BEEPING!) STUPID (BEEPING!) LOUSY WASTE OF (BEEPING!) ROBOT (BEEPING!) (BEEP!)!!! FU--"

Everyone gasped, even Cid. Yuffie pointed at the big red Censory Button in her hand. "The button's jammed!" she squeaked. "Cid's sworn so much, the Censory's on its last legs!"

"That's bulls--" Cid stopped himself just in time. "I mean, sh-- I m-mean-- TEA BREAK!" He then promptly left the giant steering wheel, and slammed the door behind him. The Shera then does a one eighty to its side, then jostles violently back and forth. The party members are yelling frantically.

"CID!"

"HELP! We're gonna CRASH!"

Just then, failed poetry writer Vincent Valentine appeared behind the wheel. Another collected "Le GASP!" followed. Vincent ignored them, and swiftly brought order to the Shera by coaxing it gently to proper proportions in mid-air. The party members sighed in relief.

"Thank goodness it wasn't Red trying to steer!" joked Cait Sith. Everyone glared down at the Scottish plush toy. Cait Sith looked away in embaressment. Little screentime --and importance-- can do that to you.

Nanaki coughed purposely. "So guys," he asked. "What's the plan?"

Barret laughed. "(BEEP!), that's easy! We're, uh... HEY! When did the Censory button start working again?!"

Yuffie shrugged. "It's only programmed to censor Cid's language. Yours it automatic!"

"Ah, touche, foo!"

Cid Highwind then stormed in, teacup and kettle in hand. "What the f-- what the heck ya'll still doin' here?! Shouldn't you be helping the little fu-- the emo by now?! And why's Vincent steering my ship?!"

Vincent immediately let go of the wheel. "Well, you left so suddenly, so--"

"I fu-- I mean, I don't wanna hear your excuses!" Cid barked, then pulled a lighter out of his pocket. The teacup and kettle were thrown down when Cid's other hand reached for a pack of cigarettes that weren't in his pocket, funnily enough.

"HEY! Where the f-- where are my f-- WHERE ARE MY CIGS?!?! GRR!! I need to SWEAR dam-- DARN IT!"

"He's going into swearing withdrawal," Tifa whispered to Yuffie, who nodded cautiously.

Barret then pointed out the fight happening below the Shera. "Yo foos, are we gonna be useful or not?! I can't stand to let my fans down by not fightin'!"

Cait Sith snickered. "Yee have fans? Yuk yuk yuk!"

Barret cracked his knuckles. "More than you do! And what's with the sudden yukking, foo?"

"Vincent, say your line already!" Tifa cried out. Vincent then coughed into his fist. More poetry, you ask? Well...

"Kadaj is a bug."

Silence. A tumbleweed passed through the scene.

Yuffie jumped up and down on the balls of her feet. "Dwah? Watcha talking about, Vince? GAWD!!!"

Vincent sighed. "Kadaj is like a larva. And when he 'hatches', so to speak, he'll become Sep--"

"I don't understand the words comin' out of yer mouth, Vince!" Cid shouted.

"Speak English, laddie!" chimed in Cait Sith.

Vincent sighed. "Like a caterpillar forming into a coccoon, awaiting his advent, his rebirth, so will the graying Remnant of our sworn enemy. Then, once prepared, he'll break free, evolving into the almighty butterfly, taking with him a new shape and form. Oh, how his time will limit, for even conceited beauty of the butterfly must too wither away into descent..."

Everyone else then nodded in understanding. "Oh, we get it NOW!" they said in unison.

"Still terrible poetry..." muttered Cid, now chewing on some earl grey leaves. Vincent shrugged in defeat. You can't please everybody, Valentine.

#

"NOOOOO!!! Inevitable defeat!" cried Kadaj, now holding onto the edge of the old Shin-Ra building with one hand. Cloud was standing in front of him, First Tsurugi in HIS hand. Well, it's only a matter of time before Kadaj meets his grisly end. He can't hold on forev-- HEY! THAT WAS RUDE MAN!

Kadaj had thrown Jenova's head into our hero's face, thus distracting Cloud. Kadaj then leapt into the air, and cupped the green oil --I mean, the Jenova cells-- in his hands. He then gave an evil crooked grin in Cloud's direction, and thrusted the cells into his leather-chafed chest. Cloud did a leap of faith down into the chasm, where he must face-- and overcome-- his final obstacle.

BOOM.

Kadaj was gone, and in his place was a silver-haired menace with a six-foot-long Masamune. That same weapon had blocked Cloud's own sword. Cloud's eyes widened as he stared into the face of...

"Ohmygawd, you're GOTH!" Cloud shouted into Sephiroth's face. Sephiroth swung the mighty blade of his Masamune, causing Cloud to fly into the air. Our enemy then did a gravity-defying leap into the air, and landed neatly on his feet on the upper portion of the Shin-Ra building. Cloud, too, landed a bit lower than him.

"Sephiroth, I thought you were dead!" Cloud exclaimed. "I even mentally Omnislashed you!"

Sephiroth smirked. "Hmph. Come now, Cloud. Silver-haired villains don't simply disappear because of an Omnislash!"

"Whoa, deja-vu..." muttered Cloud. Then, he quickly asked, "So then WHY are you back, Sephiroth?!"

His arch-nemesis gave off an evil grin. "Well since I WILL defeat you THIS time, I guess I can tell you. It all started two years ago, when Meteor crashed into this deceitful, corrupted Planet. Yes, I was so close... TO DESTROYING THE WORLD! Well anyway, when the Lifestream flowed out of the Planet, it stopped Meteor from completing its task. But, it gave me a new way to help Mother... TO DESTROY THE WORLD!"

"You're losing your composure, Sephiroth!" Cloud reminded him. Wait, why was he reminding him of this? -

Sephiroth held his hand out, high above his head. Dark, nimbus clouds of PURE EVIL circled Midgar, an appropriate setting and mood for the final battle. "I would never lose my composure, Cloud," he continued. "I'm just impaitent with you. Or are you just impaitent for your death? It seems that that conneiving flower girl has stopped your Geostigma from killing you completely. Ah, well. Looks like I'll have to do it myself. Maybe this time, you'll actually die!"

Cloud stared at Sephiroth. Sarcastically. Well, close to sarcasm. "So, what about the Geostigma? Did you create it?!"

Sephiroth chuckled darkly. "I have no time to explain this to a fallen corpse."

And then, SWOOSH! The battle began!!! The clashing of metal, the exchange of threats and sarcasm, the fanboys cheering with their adreneline a-pumping! Good Goddess! Cloud is slowing down! He's... NO!!! It can't be!! Even heroes have gradually depleting stamina?! What will happen to our hero Cloud?! Will he defeat Sephiroth?! Tune in next time!!!

And so...

To Be Continued....

IMMEDIATELY.

-Somewhere within the Lifestream-

Aerith and Zack: "SEPHIROTH!"

Angeal: "What, he's still alive?!"

Aerith: "Well, his will IS the strongest of Gaia. He refused to blend in with the Lifestream! And now he's harassing my boy toy---!"

Angeal: "Er, what?"

Aerith: "Oh, my poor Cloud! -sob-"

HK: "Don't give up, Aerith!"

Aerith: "HK? How did you get--"

HK: "My dear, you WILL save Cloud! Why? Because I said so! And while I'M writing this parody, MY will is the strongest! So if I say you'll save Cloud, then gosh-darnit you WILL!"

Aerith: "-Sniff-"

HK: "This ship runs on smiles! And since I'm unable to enforce that type of physical emotion at will, you'll have to do it for all of us!"

Angeal: "Wait, you can't smile?"

HK: "Not unless you want me to look like a smirking vampire, then no. I'm like Squall. Without the leather, naturally."

Zack: "So, what do we do, HK?!"

HK: "We-- OH SNAP!"

Zack: "What?! HK! Where are you going?!"

HK: "Alas, it seems that Sephiroth IS the stronger one here! He's purposely trying to rid me from the Lifestream! He's knows that I'm able to stop his evil plan... TO DESTROY THE WORLD!"

Zack: "Hang in there, HK!"

HK: "Don't worry, friends! Once Cloud overcomes his fear of losing everything precious to him, he will defeat Sephiroth!"

Angeal: "How do you know he'll win?"

HK: "Heh! You're questioning the one person who has watched Advent Children thirty times?"

Aerith: "HK!"

HK: "I'll be--- back!---"

Aerith: "Oh no, HK!"

Angeal: "Well, HK knows Sephiroth's plan! And apparently, Cloud must overcome his fear. But how?"

Aerith: "Tee hee hee! I just figured it out!"

Zack: "That's our girl! You're smiling again!"

Angeal: "With that scheming grin! I never thought I'd be actually glad to see that! So, what did you figure out?"

Aerith: "Tee hee hee! Well, -whisper, whisper, whisper-"

Zack: "That's genius, Aerith!"

Angeal: "Quick, we must collect the necessary clips!"

-Shin-Ra Building, Midgar Ruins-

Cloud was slowing down. He couldn't keep up with Sephiroth's undying strength. Their swords scraped against eachother, no bad uke jokes about it. Yeah, yeah, laugh it up fangirls.

Just then, Sephiroth shoulder-thrusted --yes, he ACTUALLY pushed Cloud!-- our hero. Cloud stumbled, and after a few more sword clashes, slammed into the wall behind him. Then, SWOOSH!-- Sephiroth's blade dug into Cloud's shoulder. Cloud grimaced. Sephiroth gave off a deadly smirk.

"Sword goes in, sword comes out," he said coolly, pulling the Masamune out, then poking Cloud with it again. "Hmhmhm. Sword goes in, swords comes out. Oh, how I will enjoy Advent Children Complete."

Cloud grasped his arch-nemesis' blade weakly. You don't need high-def to realize how exhausted our hero is.

"Grovel at my bishonen-crushing feet, you inferior dullard," cackled Sephiroth evilly. All Cloud fanboys cracked their knuckles in anger. How dare he taunt Cloud again! Wait, again? Hmm....

-Somewhere Within the Lifestream-

Biggs: "We got all of the clips together, Aerith!"

Aerith: "Press 'PLAY'!"

Zack: "Alright! -click-"

-Shin-Ra Building, Midgar Ruins-

Twenty-six seconds before Zack pressed 'PLAY'...

"You cannot defeat me this time, puppet," smirked Sephiroth. "Now you'll endure my poorly-translated dialogue while I taunt you. Yes, it's fun being the villain. Hmhmhm!"

How will Cloud get out out this predicament?

Three... Two... One... MON-TAAAAAAAAAAGE!

Sephiroth's eyes narrowed. "HK? No, it can't be possible..."

But Cloud did not hear our villain's comment, for he was witnessing a collection of clips strung together by the residents of the Lifestream. All of his precious memories flashed before his eyes.

"I'M WEARING FLIP FLOPS!" shouted the cheap Hojo-ripoff randomly, somewhere in between.

-Somewhere withing the Lifestream-

Angeal: "Wait, how did that one get in there?"

-Back at the Shin-Ra building-

With fierce determination in his eyes, Cloud ripped the Masamune out of his bicep, and plunged it into the wall behind him. A god chorus chanted in continous momentum, deepening the adreneline and raising the roof at the same time. The Cloud fans grinned and high-fived each others, while the Sephiroth fangirls squealed in protest. I, however, laughed at them all, like this: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Ahem, sorry.

Sephiroth merely "Hmph'd" at Cloud's newfound energy. How could he possibly defeat him n-- HOLY CRAP HE'S GLOWING!!!

"Whoa, I am!" exclaimed Cloud, as the blue chakra-like energy engulfed his frame. Hahahaha! Beat that, Sephiro-- What? What do you mean, Complete only?! But, it's gonna be official soon anyw-- WHY DO I HAVE TO WAIT, HMM?!?!?!?!?!

And, reluctantly enough, Cloud lost the Blue Energy of Mega Coolness.

"Hmhmhm," grinned Sephiroth.

Yeah, laugh it up, you silver-haired oedipus complex PUNK!

"I'll finish him, even with the absence of my new, High Definition powers!" announced Cloud.

Alas, it seems Cloud has a plan! The two opponents then clashed, this way and that, up and down and WHOOSH!'d through the air! Suddenly, Cloud unleashed all six of his First Tsurugi combo-pack swords! He took the first one, and--

"Number One: If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris have five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you!" Cloud shouted. SLASH!

Sephiroth gaped. "Impossible!"

That's right, Sephiroth! Cloud has used the Element of Surprise, while combining it with Earlier Foreshadowing! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

And so, the next five slashes went like this:

"There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris' computer! Chuck Norris is always in control!"

SLASH!

"Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door!"

SSSSSSSSSSSSLASH!

"If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the FACE!"

MEGA SLASH!

"Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves!"

SUPER MEGA SLASH!

"And finally: Time waits for no man, unless that man is CHUCK NORRIS!"

PWNSOME SLASH!!!!

Cloud landed on top of the Shin-Ra building, with five of his swords surrounding him, stabbed into the ground at crooked angles. Cloud grabbed his final sword when it flew down neatly into his hand. He glared up at Sephiroth, who now mysteriously had one black wing on his left shoulder.

"Hmph. Using cheap internet jokes to defeat me..." scowled our finally defeated villain.

"Well, it worked!" muttered Cloud. "You'll never return!"

"Yes I will. In Complete. Hmhmhm!"

Sephiroth then disapeared in his generic black wing ensemble. And was replaced with whiny Kadaj.

"I will harm you!" cried Kadaj, swinging his double-bladed katana in Cloud's direction. Too weak from... being weak, Kadaj fell. But, unlike the official film, Cloud did not try to assist his fallen foe in any particular way.

It began to rain then. As, as it appears, Kadaj's aquaphobia simply evaporated as quickly as it had come. Weird.

-Somewhere Within the Lifestream-

Biggs, Wedge, Jessie: "HOORAY!"

Angeal: "Well then! The grunt actually pulled it off!"

Zack: "Of course! He's Cloud!"

HK: "Don't upset those Squall fanboys by saying that, Zack!"

Zack: "HK!"

HK: "Mwahaha, my plan had worked, and all of you had executed it perfectly. You all deserve a cupcake!"

Biggs, Wedge, Jessie: "HOORAY!"

Aerith: "Tee hee hee! Come to join the celebration, HK?"

HK: "Actually, I'm here to remind you to do your task first!"

Aerith: "What's tha-- oh, right! Tee hee hee! -leaves the scene-"

-Back in Midgar Ruins-

Tee hee hee! Kadaj!

When the voice of a certain gorgeous Cetra arrived, that song, 'Raindrops Are Falling On My Head,' started to play. Ah, music!

"NOT THE VOICES AGAIN!"

Hmm, what should we call Kadaj's phobia? Hmm...

Tee hee hee! Kadaj, this time is different. I'm a woman!

"What?" murmured Kadaj.

Hey! What am I then, chopped chocobo liver?!

Tee hee hee!

"Well, since you're the first female I've heard in this parody..." began Kadaj slowly, deaf to the cracking of my knuckles, "....then you must be Mother!"

Tee hee hee! Sure, whatever you think!

Then Kadaj bursted into green bubbles. I mean, the celestial spagetti strings of the Lifestream!

Cloud watched the pale green strands flow upwards into the air. He took in the 'Raindrops' song and the actual healing rain, and closed his eyes. Yes, he suddenly felt at peace then. Ah, what a perfect scene....

BANG!

KNOCK ON WOOD, KNOCK ON WOOD!!!

Cloud's body surged forward from the impact as the sprinting bullet that erupted from Yazoo's gun gouged through his chest. Our hero fell to his knees, struggling for breath. The two remaining Remnants were ten meters or so away from him.

"Didn't expect that, did you, Big Brother?" sneered the fading Yazoo. Loz was about say something too, but forgot his line.

"Heh heh. BAM!" he said instead.

Cloud staggered to his feet, still grasping First Tsurugi. He glared at them, and ran straight at them, sword slicing the ground. Yazoo and Loz held out their arms, and roared a random battle cry as they gathered up a final burst of energy. Cloud jumped, and rammed his sword near them. The impact of the Remnant's energy attack and Cloud's swing resulted in an explosion.

On the Shera, Tifa screamed to the high heavens. And those 'high heavens' included the area where the utterly shocked residents of the Lifestream were currently gathered...

-Somewhere Within the Lifestream-

Zack: "CLOUD!"

Biggs, Wedge, Jessie: "LE GASP!"

Angeal: "What's with lower-ranked villains and their cheap back-shots? That one has no honour!"

Aerith: "No! Cloud! Quick Zack, come with me!"

Zack: "Wait, you're letting me come?!"

Aerith: "Of course! Cloud needs us!"

Zack: "Right away!"

-Somewhere Between the Thin Line of Life and Death-

Cloud was floating around somewhere, preferably between the thin line of life and death. His eyes were closed, because he didn't want to look into the light. Or, he just felt tired. It was a long day, after all.

A: Cloud! Wake up!

C: Aerith?

A: Tee hee hee! That's right, Cloud!

Z: And me!

C: Zack?

HK: And me!

C: Who's that?

HK: You know, me! HK! I've been narrating this parody all of this time!

C: ....?

HK: -sigh- Well, I'll leave it to you two. -grumbles as HK leaves SBtTLoLaD-

A: Tee hee hee! Cloud, this means you're still alive!

C: Like the Portal song?

A: Tee hee hee! Yep!

C: But, I was shot through the heart!

Z: But you're not to blame!

C: Huh?

Z: Nevermind, man. I kid with you!

A: Tee hee hee! Through the power of Plot Holes, I've saved you from death!

C: So, what do I do now?

A: Tee hee hee! You'll see!

C: Wait, Aerith!!!!

-Aerith's Church, Sector Five Slums-

Cloud opened his eyes to find himself in the pool of water. He was surrounded by former Geostigma-diseased kids. There were also other people, like nosy Edge neighbours, talking Scottish plush toys, a red-cloaked vampire, a Naruto-wannabe, and many more! Oh, and Tifa, I guess...

Red decided to make use of his limited screen time. "Everybody's cured, except Denzel, because he was a lazy child who didn't bother to go outside when the healing rain came."

Denzel looked down at his feet in shame. "I hate baths."

Cloud then held out his hand. "Well, this one actually cleans you!"

"Cloud, you're not emo anymore! Did the water cure you of that too?"

"Um, sure, I guess..."

Denzel hopped into the water. Now performing what looked deeply religious ceremonial rite with the Christian community, Cloud cupped the water, and dropped it over Denzel's head. SHAM WOW! He was cured!

"HOORAY!" cheered everyone. Now acting like children for once, the kids jumped into the water. POOL PARTY!

Cloud smiled, embaressed, at all of these happy, happy children. He then looked up, and saw Aerith. He stared at her with a semi-blank look on his face. Just as she was approaching the door, Aerith turned around, and smiled at him.

"Tee hee hee!" she giggled, then walked out with Zack.

Cloud closed his eyes, then opened them again. Now, this was a perfect ending...

THE END.