better than heart attacks
13: vampires

"So… Light," Takada smiled coyly, leaning against the heavily graffiti'd desk with an equally heavy lipstick'd smile. It was all too obvious that she'd been practising said smile in the girls' restroom only moments before. Her words, too, sounded rehearsed and mechanical - almost painfully so. Every pause was timed to perfection, just like every winsome blink and flutter of the lashes.

It was sort of sickening, actually.

"I hoping that you might... Hmn… Care to join me tonight for a meal? I know of a few nice restaurants; nothing too expensive. It could be like a… A date, I suppose. That is, if you wouldn't mind – I know how busy you are."

Light stared at Takada, face a delicate mask of blank incredulity. This was by no means an unfamiliar situation; it had been repeated many-a time before, each scenario exactly the same save for the girls. His number of wannabe-girlfriends and die-hard fangirls must be nearing the hundreds now.

Due to his all his experience, Light liked to think he was pretty good at tactful refusals.

"I'm very sorry, Takada-san," the brunet lied swiftly, "but I'm afraid I'm busy tonight. I've got a lot of homework-"

"That's okay, Light!" chirruped another voice. It was distinctly feminine, slightly too high-pitched and a tad childish. It hardly took a genius to place Misa Amane's face to those words.

After all, she was the only girl at To-Oh who could shatter glass with her voice.

"Misa," Light said, acknowledging her presence with a curt nod.

"Light remembers me! Hehe!" the fashion model squealed, plonking her miniskirt-clad (though just barely) derrière down on the side of Light's desk with defiance, almost as if to say 'Light is mine. Back off, bitches'.

"What'd you want, Misa?" Light asked, attempting to keep his voice courteous. Every time he saw Misa it left him with a headache the size of Tokyo. Add one Kiyomi Takada, a handful of bitchy girl-hate and an all-out battle to capture Light's heart, and the boy's sanity didn't stand a chance. By the end of the day he'd be in an asylum, gibbering about the apocalypse and attempting to gnaw off his foot.

And he was in the library, no less. Light had assumed beforehand (wrongly, of course) that potential girlfriends wouldn't dare follow him inside when it was such a sunny day. All the sporty, muscle-bound boys outside were bare from the waist upwards, attempting cool off; surely the girls would much rather ogle them?

Light had even asked Ryuzaki to sit with him, for God's sake!

Ryuzaki was Light's only 'friend', and even then the term was used loosely. He was a very strange creature, and most were surprised to learn he was even human; many students were still under the assumption that he was a vampire. That widespread belief was not completely implausible, however; Ryuzaki did exhibit many vampire-like tendencies, what with his white-as-a-sheet skin and quite-as-the-grave demeanour.

Light had been one hundred percent certain that Ryuzaki's unpopularity and pure, unadulterated weirdness would be enough to douse the passion of even the most enflamed fan-thing.

However, that did not seem to be the case.

"Well, you said you'vegot loads of homework, and I do too! Isn't that a strange coincidence?" Misa twittered happily, completely nonplussed at the murderous glares Takada was shooting her. "I'm not very good at Physics… Or Geography… Or English… Or anything, really! Perhaps I could come over to yours and we could… I dunno… Study?"

And of course, by 'study' Misa meant 'make out passionately in a cupboard (because cupboards made everything sexier. Somehow…) for a few hours until your parents and/or little sister find us!'.

God.

Not the first time in his short little life, Light was left wondering exactly how somebody with the mental capacity of a goldfish had passed the test for To-Oh university.

With flying colours, apparently.

Now, if Misa would just exercise her supposed 'intelligence' on more arduous tasks than trying to get into my pants…

"Light doesn't want to help you, Amane," Takada frowned, arms crossed and a rather lofty expression on her face. "Light would much prefer to spend his leisure time with people of his own calibre, wouldn't you, Light?"

"And what the hell is that supposed to mean?" Misa squeaked angrily (or at least, as angrily as a five-and-a-half foot tall blonde model could squeak). "I'm not stupid, or immature! FYI, little Kiyomi, I happen to be older than you!"

"Age doesn't account for everything, you foolish child. When it comes to members of the opposite sex you still have a lot to learn."

"Yeah, 'cause every man wants a chick who dresses like my grandma and has a face like a trout!"

"Better that than having an immature, Smurf-sized fashion model who mistook a picture of Charles the Second for Vlad the Impaler!"

It was at this moment that Light disengaged from the real world, brain slowly slipping into a comfortably comatose state. Maybe he could bash Takada's skull in with his English notebook, and then stab Misa in the neck with his pen…

Yeah, that'll be the day. When pens and notebooks can be used as vicious murder weapons…

"-told you yesterday! Stop bothering Light, you two! I'm sure he didn't come into the library to hear you two shrieking at him."

Oh.

It was a new voice.

It was a new voice that spoke common sense.

Male, too.

At least this person isn't going proclaim their undying love for me, Light thought, feeling slightly more optimistic than he had done a few seconds ago. With any luck, he'll scare those two off and I'll finally be able to enjoy the library in peace and qu-

"Stay out of this, Mikami!" both women screeched at exactly the same time, the horrific sound oddly reminiscent of fingernails on a blackboard.

Well, wasn't this grand?

"Yeah, everybody knows you're totally gay for Light anyway!"

"But Light isn't gay. He's interested in girls. Especially girls who are so delicate and refined they've earned the prestigious nickname of Miss Todai!"

"I believe Light is free to make his own choices-"

"Exactly. So you're not gonna force yourself on him, you… You Light-whoring nerd!"

Screw headaches the size of Tokyo; right about now, he had one the size of Japan.

"LEAVE MY LIGHT ALONE, YOU STUPID BITCH!"

And where the hell was the librarian, anyway?

"L-Light-kun," Ryuzaki muttered, eyes wide(r) than usual; more like saucers than anything else, black bags even more prominent than usual.

Light twitched, toes curling in his battered-about sneakers. If Ryuzaki was stuttering, then this must be bad. At the worst of times his face remained stoic, like a brick wall.

So what came after the worst?

Even more worst?

See, Light thought to himself. Ryuzaki being surprised is so weird and un-Ryuzaki-like that its logic defying nature is screwing with common sense.

"What's wrong, Ryuzaki?" Light asked, though the question was completely unnecessary. Light knew what was wrong, his family knew what was wrong and, pretty soon, the whole school would know what was wrong.

Then maybe they'd all stay the hell away from him.

"Light-kun has…" Ryuzaki frowned, his thumb finding his lower lip (and, incidentally, his teeth. Any more demented chewing and the poor, abused digit would fall off).

There was silence.

A long, awkward silence, during which Ryuzaki directed his attention towards the floor. It was strange, but the eccentric teen seemed completely lost for words. The eyes were blinking and the mouth was moving, yet his brain seemed to have departed a long, long time ago.

"Do you like it? I thought, after yesterday, an update to my wardrobe was in order. It gets quite tiresome being revered as a God, you know. Well, not that you would know, considering nobody goes within three feet of you. They're scared, I think. Reckon you're going to claw their eyes out and sup from their jugulars of something, and that's nothing compared to the rumour that you ate your famil-"

"Light-kun…" Ryuzaki interrupted, voice slightly muffled to his thumb. "Light-kun does not realise how he looks?"

Light blinked.

Slowly.

Ryuzaki decided to elaborate.

"Light-kun… Light-kun has made himself look like me!"

And it was true.

The strange, bizarre, abnormal yet completely undeniable truth.

Last night, with nothing to keep him company saves for a pain in his head and a buzz in his ears, Light had decided he had to do something about his appearance. He was too damn attractive for his own good, and all the girls (and Mikami) were constantly pestering him; like flies, they buzzed around his head in numbers far too great to swat away.

But Ryuzaki…

Ryuzaki seemed to repel people, what with his strange appearance and quirky mannerisms. And therein lie the answer to Light's dilemma; he would have to dress, look and act like Ryuzaki!

It was quite simple, really.

"Is… Is this a joke, Light-kun?" Ryuzaki asked uneasily, tilting his head slightly so as to get a better look at Light's loose clothes and messy hair. Hell, he'd even appropriated the Ryuzaki-like posture and… And… "Is Light-kun wearing eyeliner?"

"Yes. Lots of it. You have no idea how hard it is to look so hideous," Light hissed, unpleasant memories of Sayu springing to mind. Once the young girl had noticed her make-up was missing, questions of Light's sexuality had shortly followed, accompanying by much mocking laughter and cries of "whatever you say, princess!" It had been a painful conversation Light wished to bury and never look back on.

Ever.

"I thank Light-kun for the compliment," Ryuzaki replied, one eyebrow raised in what seemed to be amusement, "but I don't think it will work. People will just assume that this is the latest fashion statement."

"Nonsense, Ryu!" Light declared, waving one hand so as to brush his nonsensical statement away. "Everybody will be appalled, and I don't blame them. I nearly fainted when I saw my reflection this morning."

"Is Light-kun calling me ugly?" the zombie-like teen frowned, tugging at his hair with the pads of his index finger and bleeding thumb. "Does he not like the way I look?"

"No, you're as ugly as hell. And I'm kind of glad."

And that was all the reassurance he needed.

"Ohh, Liiighhhtttt! You look so strange and yet…"

Warped? Evil? Disfigured? Vampiric? Dead?

"Yet so intoxicatingly handsome!! OHMYGOD, you're SOOOOOO much cuter than before! Misa-Misa didn't think she could love Light any more, but she does because Light is so adorable!"

…

What the bloody hell?

"I think the change is acceptable," Takada noted, nodding her head in approval. "If we were to go out together with your updated apparel, it would only make us appear more interesting as a couple."

"Well that's where you're wrong, bitch!" Misa hissed, sticking her tongue out. "Light's new look would suit ME, what with my gothic clothes and all! You'd just look STUPID hanging out with him! I hate your 'hi there, I'm so perfect!' act – you make me sick!"

"That's just what you think, isn't it Misa? But… Oh, my, how silly of me. You don't think at all, do you?"

"Of course I think! I was just thinking of how awesome it would be if you spontaneously combusted!"

"Hey, Light, are those two bothering you aga- oh my, Light! You've… You've changed, but it suits you so much. I like it a lot better than your previ-"

"OH SHUT UP, MIKAMI!"

And it was with those words that Light decided life was completely pointless.

As such, the poor, mistreated teen reached out for his pen and staked himself through the heart with it-

("OH MY GOD, LIGHT! YOUR CORPSE IS SOOO TOTALLY SEXY!"

"Back off, Misa, the corpse is mine! You know nothing of catering for the needs of the deceased."

"No, but you'll be deceased in a moment if you don't shut the fuck up!"

"What a pity this is. Do you suppose the bloodstains will wash out of his clothes? Or maybe if we were to clean them multiple ti-"

"SHUT UP, MIKAMI!")

-and, subsequently, nobody gave a damn.

Meanwhile, perched in his own little corner with a few books and a bag of jellybeans, Ryuzaki did something he'd never done before.

He laughed.

And life went on.

a.n: except for light. who was dead.

haha, this turned so weird and cracky when i was writing. it didn't start that way – honest xD anyway, this was a helluva lotta fun to write. everybody loves light xD

&, as a quick note… i once mistook a picture of charles the second for vlad the impaler, too. it's what happens when you watch too much hellsing… :D