Death's Narrative of the Harry Potter Series

Chapter 1: The Years Before

Well. This is new. The first book written by Death himself- A.K.A me. A stroke of pure genius on my part, although one would naturally think that about their own book. In a way, I have that lousy Tom Riddle Jr. to thank- and blame- for this, because now, all the other
Incarnations are beginning to think I'm a stuck-up loser like Gilderoy Lockhart, who (fortunately) has not joined us yet.

Oh, right- I should introduce myself. I am Death, collector of souls, right hand man of Hades (not anymore!), terrorizer of humans, and the most feared person in the universe, yada yada yada. I really hate Chaos for giving me those last two titles. If I didn't know better, I'd say he was the third of the Weasley twins, died at birth, and got twisted into this by Fate. The Weasley twins and the Marauders are/were his favorite humans anywhere on Earth. But I digress.

I chose to write this book because 1) It gave me something to do; 2) I now have the unembellished and truthfully accurate life of Harry Potter; 3) I wanted to quash all the rumors about God/Merlin being mad at the world, and explain that it is all Tommy Riddle's fault.

Well, I should probably start. Here goes (deep breath).

This all started when Tommy Riddle Jr. decided to waltz over to his grandparents' house to exact some revenge and to make his first Horcrux. As evil as those things are, I kinda like them, because they make my job one soul collecting less. Anyway, I got a little worried there, because Fate is almost perpetually annoyed with me and doesn't give me any information since Chaos, Time, and I plotted some little pranks that would send her Tapestry of Fate haywire for a little while. I was the only one caught, and boy, am I never crossing Fate again! Anyway.

Anyways, I got worried because I foresaw another Dark Wizard in the making, and if that happened, my job would become about twelve times harder, with all the deaths that always happen. So I followed him back to Hogwarts, and discovered that I had been behind. Tommy boy had already killed another student with a basilisk, of all things, when trying to fulfill old Slytherin's wishes! I can tell you, I went to visit the Afterlife when I say that the Founders had been busy with Salazar for making that basilisk in the first place. I've never seen such a sight after death. Gryffindor was especially enthusiastic with his lesson. I've always liked him.

For the next twenty or so years, I watched and did my job as Riddle went around and made four more Horcruxes. I got real worried, so I went and talked with Fate, who still was annoyed with me, and discovered that yet another war was in the brewing. Just great. Another giant work overload. Why me?

Then, I watched the war start, and I kinda lost track after that, because I was always busy with one death after another after another. Time minded my estates up in Purgatory for me, because I did not trust Chaos or Fate. A word of advice- you shouldn't either. Anyways, I watched it escalate until Voldemort was defeated by a toddler! I applaud you, child! Well, as the son of Lily and James Potter, the godson of Sirius Black- Merlin, I wanted a motorbike like his- and the nephew of Remus Lupin, the kid must have known something. Sucks that his parents joined me up here.

Oh no. Chaos and James Potter- I better start running. Now.

Chaos is calling me. Says he wants to show me something. No way in hell I'm going over there.

Later.