A/N: A very short drabble-ish oneshot on the way Vaan handles the loss of his family, but mostly his brother, Reks. I found it really hard to get the right feeling down in words, so I might re-write it at some point. Please enjoy! :Meresta
Summery: Two years after the death of his brother, Vaan thinks about his life. The bad things, do they really make you stronger? Slightly suggested BalthierxVaan; Oneshot
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Suggesting a MalexMale pairing, spoilers for the game intro, no use of names.
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy XII.

Stars

Night fell, and while he made sure his airship was in order, I got up to the deck. The sun had set about an hour ago and darkness spread like a drop of ink in the earlier bright blue sky. I walked over to the guard-rail and let myself rest against it. I never really spent time alone like this and now I remembered why; it makes me think of you.

My life isn't mine anymore, because you died for it. A life I could have lived without your blood, one I could have shared with you. You enlisted, right at the end, knowing there was no chance of victory whatsoever. I know I should be grateful, but the freedom your life bought me feels like prison. In a rush of rage and incomprehension, I erased all proof of your existence and asked everyone around me to never mention you again. If you really wanted to die for me, then dead you shall be.

Do you remember what you told me when our parents died?

The bad things in life, they make you stronger. They slowly develop into small pieces of the puzzle you're trying to complete. In time, you will look at those pieces in a different light, to find them matching perfectly with the ones you already have. In time, it will fit.
You will begin to understand the meaning, accept the consequences it has brought. You will be able to place it in a past you're willing to have. A past you are not ashamed of, a past you can carry without collapsing under it's weight.

A past you don't have to run for.

"Five gil for your thoughts."
I turned to meet his smile, answering it with one of my own.
"Miser."
He walked up next to me and we shared a moment of silence, a star-filled sky stretched out above us.
"Which one is your brother's?" He asked, confusing me slightly until I realized he was talking about the stars. I looked back up.
"None of them." I tried not to sound sad, but I failed. He didn't seem surprised by my answer.
"Ah. What's not there can't be missed?"
"It's complicated."
"I see."

I tried many things.

I hated, I denied. I even cried, but that only seemed to make it worse. In the end I couldn't do anything but close my eyes and pretend it never happened.

He sighed and unconsciously, I did too, suddenly feeling alone. Long summer nights were getting shorter, the warm breezes cooling down. His hand found it's way to my shoulder, saying the words he failed to speak.

What was your death supposed to teach me?

Two years have passed since the day you didn't come home. I'm eighteen years old now, an adult. In a strange string of events I've met new people, seen new places.
I saved the world you died protecting.

But still, the past lies heavy on my heart and makes my shoulders hunch. Though the light has certainly changed, I have yet to find my pieces fit. In time, I never began to understand or accept anything.

I'm still running.

And I haven't grown stronger at all.

The only thing changed, is the direction I'm heading.

The one kissing me goodnight.

Fin.

Reviews are very much appreciated!