She got out of bed and plodded out of the room on autopilot. She sighed in gratitude as, for once, Quinn didn't comandeer the bathroom before her. She began to go to the bathroom.
As the sleep started to clear itself from her mind, she began to sense that something wasn't quite right. The fact that she was standing up registered itself first. The fact that she was holding something in her hand registered itself second. Finally, she looked down.
The scream woke people up three houses away.
XXXX
Jake was pounding on the door. "Damnit, Daria, what happened? Are you alright? Let me in!"
Daria was in no condition to see her father. "Uh, no dad, I'm...fine." She decided that letting him know she'd grown a body part in the night wouldn't be the wisest course of action. "I just, uh, saw a mouse."
"A mouse? Oh GAWD!" And there's Quinn. The worst moment of her life was now complete. "Daddy, can I use your's and mom's bathroom for the rest of my life?"
"No, Quinn, we'll just get some traps and release them outside," he assured her. "Daria, are you sure you're alright?"
"Yes, dad." Daria's mind was desperately trying to figure out what to do. She decided that, for now, she would take things one step at a time.
She examined herself in the full-length mirror. Nothing was protruding. Good.
She opened the door. "All done." She walked past Jake and Quinn, who were both tentatively eyeing the bathroom for rodents. She slipped into her room and locked the door behind her.
"Okay, think, Morgendorffer. It's not every day that a woman grows a...oh hell, there's never a day when this happens!" Daria, in her frustration, kicked a book that lay on the floor. She decided that she would think about it as little as possible and decided to get dressed.
First snag in the 'think about it as little as possible' plan: Her panties no longer fit properly. She glared angrily at the wad of cotton which refused to cooperate. "Fit, damn you! You fit just fine yesterday!" She again pulled them up her legs, but again they were too small to accomodate Daria's addition.
She cursed and tossed them to the side. Her eyes, by chance, happened to fall upon a pair of scissors that rested on her desk. She contemplated them a moment, then shook her head. "Bleeding out wouldn't be worth it. Yet."
Daria sighed and considered what she should do now. Going to school without underwear would end in great disaster if somebody should happen to see up her skirt. Skipping school might work, but that would result in a phone call from Ms. Li and questions from Helen she did not want to answer. She supposed she qualified as being able to call in sick, but again that would mean letting somebody other than her know what happened, something she wanted to avoid for...oh God, what if this was permanent?
She thought about it for a minute more, and came to a decision. She didn't like it, but short of divine intervention it was the only option she had.
She picked up the phone and dialed. "Hi, Jane? I need you to come pick me up. Yes, now. Not in ten minutes, Jane, NOW!"
XXXX
Jane pulled up three minutes later in Trent's car, still wearing her pajamas. She hadn't even had time to put on her customary lipstick. Daria was waiting for her just inside the door, hiding from any sudden breezes. She opened the door and walked over as fast as she could, her arms stiff at her side holding her skirt in place. She very carefully entered the driver's side, keeping her knees locked shut.
Jane watched all this with amusement. "Okay, what's wrong, Daria?"
"Drive, Jane. Take me to your place."
Jane nodded and drove, enough sleep fogging her head that she didn't ask any further questions. They arrived at Casa Lane soon after, and Daria hurried out of the car (again, careful not to expose herself) and slipped into the house before Jane had even turned off the engine.
Upon entering the house, Jane didn't follow Daria immediately up the stairs. Instead, she took a detour to the kitchen and poured herself a cup of coffee. She took a drink, sighed as the caffeine banished the sleep fog from her head, and finally went up the stairs.
In her room, Daria stood, hands folded in front of her. "Okay, what's wrong, Daria? You've been acting weird all morning. Is it Tom?"
Daria shook her head.
"Okay, it's Twenty Questions then. Are you pregnant?"
Daria shook her head again.
"Did you see your parents doing it?"
Daria shook her head, but this time Jane was rewarded with a dirty look.
"Hmm...Did Helen recruit you to band camp again?"
Negatory.
Jane rubbed her chin. "Damnit, Daria, I give up. Just tell me!"
Daria opened her mouth. Then she closed it again. Then she opened it, and finally something resembling speech came out. "I...woke up...I...well...I..."
"Aye aye, cap'n!" Jane interjected.
"Not helping, Jane," Daria warned. "It's...well, I can't...oh, just look!" And with that declaration, Daria hiked her skirt up.
Jane looked. After a moment, Daria shoved her skirt down again, and Jane realized her mouth had fallen open, and she was starting to drool. "That...that was beautiful..." Jane gasped. "Can I see it again?"
"No Jane you may not see it again," Daria gritted through her teeth.
"Can I touch it?"
Daria just glared at her, jaw trembling.
"Okay then...what's the problem?"
Daria blinked. "What's the problem? Jane, there are so many answers to that question it boggles the mind. But I suppose the most immediate answer would be...I need something to wear."
"Wear?"
"Underwear."
"Under where?"
Daria glared at Jane again.
"Okay, okay, no bad puns for now. Hm...let me go check something."
Jane left her room and walked over to Trent's, where her brother lay sleeping in the middle of a minefield of mess.
"Trent! Hey, Trent!" she shouted.
"Monique, please, don't..." he muttered. "Uh, wha? Oh, hi Janey."
"Do you have any clean boxers? Daria needs to wear them!"
"Uh, sure. There should be some in the hamper." Trent put his head back down on the pillow and closed his eyes.
"Thanks, Trent!" Jane darted back out of the room.
Trent lay prone for a few more moments, then opened his eyes again. "Wait, what? Daria?"
XXXX
Jane returned to Daria with a pair of boxers that had little winged hearts all over them. "Here are some of Trent's boxers. Try these...I know you've been dying to."
Even as she took the unmentionables, Daria still glared at Jane. "Kill you, Lane," she muttered.
After giving the boxers to her, Jane just stared. Daria stared back. Finally, "Uh, look the other way?"
An 'oops' look appeared on Jane's face, and she complied. Several moments passed, and Daria finally said, "It's safe now."
Jane turned back. Daria looked the same, but the boxers had disappeared. (Jane drew the reasonable conclusion that Daria had put them on and not, say, eaten them). "How are they?"
Daria shrugged. "Different."
"So...did you want to go to school today?"
Daria shrugged. "No. But then, that's how I feel every day. I guess I have no choice."
"Well then, get out, Morgendorffer. I've got to get dressed still."
As Jane closed the door behind Daria, she called out, "Oh, and can I have that box you keep under your mattress? I doubt you'll be needing what's inside anymore!"
"I'LL KILL YOU, LANE!" Daria shouted, pounding on the door. Alas, Jane had locked it.
XXXX
Daria warily eyed the students as they passed by her in the hall. A paranoid voice kept whispering in the dark alleys of her mind, 'They know! THEY KNOW!' She, of course, knew that they couldn't possibly know, but she still felt very uncomfortable nonetheless.
She should have been focusing less on her problem and more on the hallway traffic, as she sideswiped Mack. "Oh. Uh, sorry, Mack," she apologized. "I have a lot on my mind today."
"That's alright, Daria. What's bothering you?" he asked her, his face showing mild concern.
"Uh. Well. Girl stuff." Daria internally frowned as she realized that might count as a lie.
"Oh," Mack said. "Well, uh, see you." Mack left, just a little bit faster than he had been going before.
Daria watched him go, then continued down the hallway. Jane, flanking her, noticed something. "Hey Daria, what did you sleep in when you went camping a few years ago?"
"A tent. Why?" Daria asked. Jane just stared at her.
Daria connected the dots and glanced down. "Oh hell," she uttered, and turned tail to the nearest bathroom.
XXXX
"Daria, you have to come out of there sometime!" Jane called to her friend.
"I will, as soon as everybody else dies," Daria replied from within the stall.
"Damnit, Daria, that's not going to happen anytime soon and you know it! Come on, you can...I can get a book from your locker, and you can use that as camouflage!"
Jane left without an answer from Daria, leaving her alone to her thoughts.
Daria wondered if the condition was genetic, and immediately dismissed the idea as stupid as hell.
She heard the door to the bathroom open up, and wondered if it was Jane.
"...so then daddy said I had to use the bathroom anyway!"
Quinn again. Great.
"Oh Quinn, that is just so sad!" Sandi consoled her friend. "Nobody should be forced to share their facilities with a rodent. You're welcome to stay over at my place until it's once again safe to use your own restroom."
"Oh Sandi, you're the greatest!"
"I know, I know..." Their voices trailed off as the door to the bathroom opened again, signifying their exit.
Well, at least Daria's ruse had one benefit: less Quinn overall.
The door opened again, and this time it was Jane. "Here's the book, Daria," she said, passing it under the door.
Daria took it, looked at the title, and groaned. It was Hard Times, by Charles Dickens.
XXXX
Daria and Jane finally made it to their first period English class. They took their seats and waited for class to begin.
Mr. DeMartino walked in and began writing on the chalkboard. "Today, class, we'll be discussing the ERECTION of the Berlin WALL."
Jane began giggling. Mr. DeMartino turned to her.
"Ms. Lane, do you find something FUNNY about the word ERECTION?"
Jane's giggles increased in intensity, up to chortles.
He approached her desk now. "Perhaps you'd like to share with the class what you find funny about ERECTIONS!"
"Hey...erections! Heh heh heh heh!" Kevin began laughing too as he suddenly understood why the word was funny.
Daria banged her head on the desk repeatedly. It was going to be a long, hard day.
...Damn.