Obligatory Legal Disclaimer: The characters, situations and
just about everything else in this fanfiction are the property of
Rumiko Takahashi. If I even thought about trying to claim
otherwise, five thousand raging otaku would kidnap me and make me
watch Sailor Moon reruns for eternity. Anything you don't like is
mine, mine, all mine! Hahahaha!
Thinly veiled references to Sailor Moon, Super Dimensional
Fortress Macross, Urusei Yatsura, the Incredible Hulk, Star Trek,
the Simpsons, the Miss Universe Pageant, the X-Files, Predator,
Street Fighter, the Creature From The Black Lagoon, H.P.
Lovecraft's Call of Cthulu and other sources are property of their
respective copyright owners, and the use of them in this fanfic is
not a challenge to their ownership.
Special notes for readers:
= sound effects.
* * *
Prologue
* * *
Memory Moss. "Didn't work." flip Passion Spice. "Tried
it." flip Love Noodles. "Backfired." flip Dream Sauce.
"Nothing." flip
Mousse looked up from the corner of the Nekohanten where he
was sweeping and scowled. Shampoo was still perusing her Great-
Grandmother's book of recipes. And that could only mean one thing.
She was trying to trap Ranma again. Mousse didn't like the sound
of that, not one bit (1) (2).
"Shampoo!" he called. "Why don't you just give up? Every
time you've tried to use some new magical trick to win his love, it
doesn't work. Doesn't that tell you anything? Can't you see that
it is *I* who lo--splash--quack."
Shampoo looked up, irritated. At least she hadn't needed to
look up this time when she threw the glass of water at him. But
Great-Grandmother wanted those floors swept by closing time. She
ignored the frantic writhings of the duck on the floor as it tried
to escape Mousse's flowing robes, now in a pile on the floor.
Instead Shampoo turned back to the book of Amazon magic in front of
her.
Obsession Mushrooms. "Too dangerous." flip Special
Okinomiyaki Sauce. "Ai ya...Shampoo not want even *think* about
that one again..." (3). flip Potency Elixir. "No good."
flip
Shampoo stared incredulously. She had turned the last page.
There was nothing else. That couldn't be! This book contained all
the alchemical secrets of the Joketsuzoku tribe of China! There
*had* to be something that would win Ranma for her! She opened the
book at the beginning again, determined to find that elusive recipe
she had missed the first twelve times.
Mousse's feeble quackings were beginning to irritate her. She
picked up a bowl, turned it upside down, and walked over to where
he was struggling. Mousse finally managed to poke his head out of
his robes and looked up at her questioningly. She smiled, an evil
little smile which looked good on her (4).
Mousse quacked in confusion just as she let go of the bowl.
It fell right on top of him. He gave a startled 'QUACK!!' before
it landed, clattering to a full stop, just short of crushing him.
He gave an experimental quack. It came out muffled. He pushed at
the rim of the bowl. It moved slightly. He sweated nervously,
wondering how long the air would last inside his newly-made prison.
That done, Shampoo sweetly walked back to her seat and sat
back down, ready to give the book a go once more. But something
nagged at her. Something Mousse had said to her. She turned the
pages idly, not really looking at them. Something about not using
magic to trick Ranma into loving her. Yes, that was it. But if
she didn't use magic to get his love, what would she do then? What
else *was* there to do?
Shampoo looked down at the book. She had stopped at a page
that contained only one recipe. Eradicating Ramen. Shampoo
smiled. It was not a nice smile. Rather, it was that special kind
of smile one usually reserves for crushing your enemies or greeting
visiting in-laws with twelve screaming kids in tow.
"Of course! Shampoo so blind, almost as bad as like Mousse--
Shampoo no need get Ranma fast if Akane and other bad girls out of
way...Shampoo use magic spells for to get rid of competition! Is
just like duel. Then Ranma be all Shampoo's!"
Shampoo smiled evilly for the second time that day (5).
Mousse shivered as he huddled under his bowl, hearing her words.
Shampoo glanced over at the bowl that was now rattling slightly on
the floor. She gave a long sigh. Oh, well...Great-grandmother
still wanted the floors swept, and she knew that the old hag
wouldn't care whether Shampoo had come up with a way to get rid of
Akane once and for all, or had just been sleeping the entire day.
Those floors had to be spic and span when she got home or there'd
be hell to pay. Shampoo would just have to find a use for Mousse
after all (6).
(1) Especially as it came at the beginning of a fanfic. That just
foreshadowed the whole plot, and Mousse would have preferred
something less likely to end up with Shampoo chasing Ranma. Say,
a nice dry tragedy. Mousse generally figured in tragedies much
more than he did in other types of fanfic.
(2) "What is the sound of one Ranma trapping?" -David Homerick
(3) For those of you who don't get this reference, go read "The
Okinomiyaki Orgy." The only lemon I ever thought really held true
to the Ranmaverse, as odd as that may sound.
(4) Let's be honest. Anything looks good on Shampoo, *especially*
if it's just a smile.
(5) And also, not entirely coincidentally, the second time this
fanfic. The not-nice smile doesn't count.
(6) Actually, Shampoo already had several uses for Mousse, amongst
the many being slave labour, cannon fodder and practice dummy.
* * *
Shampoo whistled merrily as she mixed a batch of noxious
chemicals into the steaming ramen (1). She looked back at the
cookbook of doom. "Five teaspoon disappearing ink." She measured
out five teaspoons exactly and plunged them into the bowl. The ink
hissed as it hit the mixture, turning it from a bright orange into
a clear, colourless liquid. She smiled and looked back at the
book. The last ingredient. She read aloud from the book.
"Last, but not least, take hair of person you wish to get rid
of and put in soup. Then feed soup to person you wish to get rid
of."
Shampoo blinked. She had to have a hair, and before the ramen
was done, or the whole thing would be for nothing! "Ai ya!" she
squealed in dismay. Great-Grandmother would surely lecture her
sternly, for hadn't she always told Shampoo to read the
instructions carefully first? Oh, and all her plans would be
ruined. Although that seemed to happen quite a lot these days.
But then Shampoo thought of something that could save everything
from going wrong.
"Oh, Mousse," she called out musically. "Would come here for
minute? Shampoo need you."
Mousse entered the kitchen, towelling his hair from the hot
bath he'd just stepped out of a minute earlier. He adjusted his
glasses with both hands and replied. "Yes, my darling Shampoo?"
Shampoo grit her teeth and smiled prettily at him. "Shampoo
need Mousse to help her with special recipe."
Mousse adjusted his glasses. "You mean, the Eradicating
Ramen?" he asked her. She nodded eagerly. Mousse sighed.
"Shampoo...I'm sorry. But I just can't help you with this.
Killing people is just plain cruel!"
Shampoo looked at him with wide eyes. "What you talking
about, Mousse? You think Shampoo *kill* Akane!?" Disbelief tinged
her voice, and she stared at him. "Shampoo no do that or Ranma
*hate* her! Magic ramen just make Akane go away! With Akane gone,
Shampoo win! Ranma all Shampoo's!" She gloried in the moment in
her dreams. Then she snapped back to reality, realizing she'd said
a little too much.
"I won't help you trick Ranma into marrying you."
Shampoo pouted. "Mousse no love Shampoo any more?"
Mousse trembled from the force of her anger. "Sh-Shampoo!
It's not that! It's just--I...I can't!" Shampoo took his hands in
hers and looked into his eyes deeply.
"Not even for Shampoo?" she asked in a small voice. Mousse
trembled again. He opened his mouth, then shut it. He closed his
eyes in shame, then opened them again.
"No...not even for you, Shampoo. I'm sorry," he finished in
a quiet voice. His hands clenched into fists, and he closed his
eyes in pain. "ARGH!" he screamed. "What fate is this that I must
help you break my heart? That stupid Saotome! He's got the most
beautiful girl in the whole--WHAM" A frying pan ended Mousse's
soliloquy, and he sank blissfully into slumber. Shampoo shrugged
absently and checked the frying pan for dents. She sighed in
frustration. "NOW what Shampoo do?"
Just then, the door to the Nekohanten opened, and Ranma burst
in.
(1) I could say something about how this wasn't that abnormal for
food at the Nekohanten, but I happen to like ramen. Which has
absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I'm a university
student and can't afford anything better anyways. Really.
* * *
Ranma jumped into the Nekohanten. Ordinarily, Shampoo would
have glomped onto him before he managed to take two steps but right
now her mind was on other things and she missed his entrance for
the first whole half second. That was just enough time for him to
duck under the nearest table. Shampoo walked over to his newfound
home and lifted the tablecloth, peering under at him.
"Ranma?" she asked him. "Ranma, why you hiding under table?
Shampoo no bite." Ranma peeked out fearfully.
"Shh!" he said frantically. "Akane's chasing me!" Shampoo
felt her heart lighten.
"Ai ya! Gods must love Shampoo!" Ranma paused from his
efforts at becoming one with the woodwork. What the heck was
Shampoo talking about now? That sounded like she was up to
something. Something, in Shampoo's case, usually meant Ranma
getting beaten up by Akane, and he had had quite enough of that
already, thank you very much (1).
Then Akane burst in the restaurant, holding a sledgehammer in
her arms, and Ranma decided he didn't care what Shampoo was
planning.
"WHERE IS HE? I'LL KILL HIM! I'LL TURN HIM INTO CHOPPED
LIVER!! HOW *DARE* HE??" She waved the sledge threateningly
around the room. "NOBODY GETS TO SAY THAT ABOUT MY MOTHER AND
LIVE!!"
Shampoo stepped up to her. "What you talking about, Akane?
Who he? (2)"
Akane just glared at her. "You know perfectly well who *he*
is, Shampoo. Where's Ranma!? I know you're hiding him!"
Shampoo looked at her, unafraid. "Shampoo no hide Ranma.
Akane no find him here." Akane screamed in rage and slammed her
mallet down on the table, which broke into two pieces. There was
a loud crack, mixed with the sound of someone trying to stop
himself from screaming in pain.
"When I find him, he'll wish he'd never been born!!" She
slammed her mallet on the table for emphasis. There was the sound
of someone desperately trying to muffle a cry of pain amidst the
splintering noise (3). The table crumbled into pieces.
Akane turned to leave. Shampoo saw her chance. "Oh!" she
cried out. Akane spun, expecting a trap. Shampoo just looked at
her with wide eyes. Of course, that didn't rule out a trap, but
Akane wasn't really thinking about that at the time. She was more
concerned with what she'd do to Ranma once she caught up with him.
Shampoo pointed at her sweater. "Akane have hair on sweater!
That no good. Here, Shampoo get rid of it for Akane." She quickly
grabbed at the hair, which was, somewhat unfortunately for Akane,
still attached to the rest of her. Akane felt a tug and then a
sharp pain as the hair snapped.
"Ow!" she yelled. "Hey! That hurt, you know!"
Shampoo looked at the single hair dangling from her hand in
practised dismay. "Oh! Shampoo so sorry!"
Akane narrowed her eyes menacingly. "I'm *sure*," she replied
flatly, somehow managing to convey the fact that she wasn't sure of
that fact in the slightest in about fifty different ways. "I'll
bet you did that on purpose!" she accused the blue-haired Amazon
girl (4).
Shampoo's eyes widened in innocent hurt. Akane snorted at the
sight. "Right now I just want to kill Ranma, Shampoo. Not you.
So don't get in my way!" She emphasized her point by slamming her
mallet into the remains of the table, which was definitely on its
last legs. There was a not-quite-so-muffled groan of pain. The
table spontaneously turned into so much sawdust. Akane didn't seem
to hear Ranma's piteous moan, perhaps because she had already run
out of the restaurant, yelling at him at the top of her lungs.
Shampoo pushed aside the rubble of the table and looked at
Ranma. "Ranma? You alive?" she asked, a bit worried. He groaned.
She smiled. "You stay here for a while. Or Akane maybe kill you.
Ranma no worry, Shampoo take care of violent girl for you."
Ranma pushed himself up onto a seat. "Owwww. That hurt," he
complained. He shook splinters of table out of his clothing, not
to mention his skin. "Man, what a tomboy," he said. Amazingly, a
flying mallet hit him in the side of the head (5).
"I HEARD THAT!!" came a faint yell of anger. Ranma's eyes
widened in fear and he scrambled for the back door.
Shampoo waited until the tumult died down again before she
looked back at the hair in her hands. "Oh, so good," she sighed
happily. "Now Shampoo can get rid of Akane."
(1) And, for that matter, for his entire life, as far as Ranma was
concerned.
(2) "And how were you going to chop him with a blunt instrument?"
(3) Some of you may be wondering what exactly this sounds like.
Unfortunately the answer cannot be properly experienced on a
written medium. But not to worry--there's an easy way to find out
what it sounds like first-hand...just give your younger sibling
five dollars and a large hammer (extradimensional hammers are
preferred where legal). Then lock yourself in an enclosed room
with them for thirty minutes. We guarantee you'll know what it
sounds like by then.
(4) Now, how could Akane ever accuse dear, sweet, innocent Shampoo
of such a thing? Could it possibly be due to the several dozen
attempts on Akane's life? Or perhaps those attempts to destroy her
memory? Or the small but increasing number of attacks on her
family by Amazons? Or the other few dozen attempts to steal Ranma,
brainwash him, and generally make Akane's life miserable in other
assorted ways? Of course not. Akane was just in a bad mood.
(5) Amazingly, not only due to the fact that Akane was by now
several blocks away, but also because there was an unbroken window
in between him and her. Once again, Akane had tapped into
Hammerspace and used its unique essence to give Ranma a headache.
just about everything else in this fanfiction are the property of
Rumiko Takahashi. If I even thought about trying to claim
otherwise, five thousand raging otaku would kidnap me and make me
watch Sailor Moon reruns for eternity. Anything you don't like is
mine, mine, all mine! Hahahaha!
Thinly veiled references to Sailor Moon, Super Dimensional
Fortress Macross, Urusei Yatsura, the Incredible Hulk, Star Trek,
the Simpsons, the Miss Universe Pageant, the X-Files, Predator,
Street Fighter, the Creature From The Black Lagoon, H.P.
Lovecraft's Call of Cthulu and other sources are property of their
respective copyright owners, and the use of them in this fanfic is
not a challenge to their ownership.
Special notes for readers:
= sound effects.
* * *
Prologue
* * *
Memory Moss. "Didn't work." flip Passion Spice. "Tried
it." flip Love Noodles. "Backfired." flip Dream Sauce.
"Nothing." flip
Mousse looked up from the corner of the Nekohanten where he
was sweeping and scowled. Shampoo was still perusing her Great-
Grandmother's book of recipes. And that could only mean one thing.
She was trying to trap Ranma again. Mousse didn't like the sound
of that, not one bit (1) (2).
"Shampoo!" he called. "Why don't you just give up? Every
time you've tried to use some new magical trick to win his love, it
doesn't work. Doesn't that tell you anything? Can't you see that
it is *I* who lo--splash--quack."
Shampoo looked up, irritated. At least she hadn't needed to
look up this time when she threw the glass of water at him. But
Great-Grandmother wanted those floors swept by closing time. She
ignored the frantic writhings of the duck on the floor as it tried
to escape Mousse's flowing robes, now in a pile on the floor.
Instead Shampoo turned back to the book of Amazon magic in front of
her.
Obsession Mushrooms. "Too dangerous." flip Special
Okinomiyaki Sauce. "Ai ya...Shampoo not want even *think* about
that one again..." (3). flip Potency Elixir. "No good."
flip
Shampoo stared incredulously. She had turned the last page.
There was nothing else. That couldn't be! This book contained all
the alchemical secrets of the Joketsuzoku tribe of China! There
*had* to be something that would win Ranma for her! She opened the
book at the beginning again, determined to find that elusive recipe
she had missed the first twelve times.
Mousse's feeble quackings were beginning to irritate her. She
picked up a bowl, turned it upside down, and walked over to where
he was struggling. Mousse finally managed to poke his head out of
his robes and looked up at her questioningly. She smiled, an evil
little smile which looked good on her (4).
Mousse quacked in confusion just as she let go of the bowl.
It fell right on top of him. He gave a startled 'QUACK!!' before
it landed, clattering to a full stop, just short of crushing him.
He gave an experimental quack. It came out muffled. He pushed at
the rim of the bowl. It moved slightly. He sweated nervously,
wondering how long the air would last inside his newly-made prison.
That done, Shampoo sweetly walked back to her seat and sat
back down, ready to give the book a go once more. But something
nagged at her. Something Mousse had said to her. She turned the
pages idly, not really looking at them. Something about not using
magic to trick Ranma into loving her. Yes, that was it. But if
she didn't use magic to get his love, what would she do then? What
else *was* there to do?
Shampoo looked down at the book. She had stopped at a page
that contained only one recipe. Eradicating Ramen. Shampoo
smiled. It was not a nice smile. Rather, it was that special kind
of smile one usually reserves for crushing your enemies or greeting
visiting in-laws with twelve screaming kids in tow.
"Of course! Shampoo so blind, almost as bad as like Mousse--
Shampoo no need get Ranma fast if Akane and other bad girls out of
way...Shampoo use magic spells for to get rid of competition! Is
just like duel. Then Ranma be all Shampoo's!"
Shampoo smiled evilly for the second time that day (5).
Mousse shivered as he huddled under his bowl, hearing her words.
Shampoo glanced over at the bowl that was now rattling slightly on
the floor. She gave a long sigh. Oh, well...Great-grandmother
still wanted the floors swept, and she knew that the old hag
wouldn't care whether Shampoo had come up with a way to get rid of
Akane once and for all, or had just been sleeping the entire day.
Those floors had to be spic and span when she got home or there'd
be hell to pay. Shampoo would just have to find a use for Mousse
after all (6).
(1) Especially as it came at the beginning of a fanfic. That just
foreshadowed the whole plot, and Mousse would have preferred
something less likely to end up with Shampoo chasing Ranma. Say,
a nice dry tragedy. Mousse generally figured in tragedies much
more than he did in other types of fanfic.
(2) "What is the sound of one Ranma trapping?" -David Homerick
(3) For those of you who don't get this reference, go read "The
Okinomiyaki Orgy." The only lemon I ever thought really held true
to the Ranmaverse, as odd as that may sound.
(4) Let's be honest. Anything looks good on Shampoo, *especially*
if it's just a smile.
(5) And also, not entirely coincidentally, the second time this
fanfic. The not-nice smile doesn't count.
(6) Actually, Shampoo already had several uses for Mousse, amongst
the many being slave labour, cannon fodder and practice dummy.
* * *
Shampoo whistled merrily as she mixed a batch of noxious
chemicals into the steaming ramen (1). She looked back at the
cookbook of doom. "Five teaspoon disappearing ink." She measured
out five teaspoons exactly and plunged them into the bowl. The ink
hissed as it hit the mixture, turning it from a bright orange into
a clear, colourless liquid. She smiled and looked back at the
book. The last ingredient. She read aloud from the book.
"Last, but not least, take hair of person you wish to get rid
of and put in soup. Then feed soup to person you wish to get rid
of."
Shampoo blinked. She had to have a hair, and before the ramen
was done, or the whole thing would be for nothing! "Ai ya!" she
squealed in dismay. Great-Grandmother would surely lecture her
sternly, for hadn't she always told Shampoo to read the
instructions carefully first? Oh, and all her plans would be
ruined. Although that seemed to happen quite a lot these days.
But then Shampoo thought of something that could save everything
from going wrong.
"Oh, Mousse," she called out musically. "Would come here for
minute? Shampoo need you."
Mousse entered the kitchen, towelling his hair from the hot
bath he'd just stepped out of a minute earlier. He adjusted his
glasses with both hands and replied. "Yes, my darling Shampoo?"
Shampoo grit her teeth and smiled prettily at him. "Shampoo
need Mousse to help her with special recipe."
Mousse adjusted his glasses. "You mean, the Eradicating
Ramen?" he asked her. She nodded eagerly. Mousse sighed.
"Shampoo...I'm sorry. But I just can't help you with this.
Killing people is just plain cruel!"
Shampoo looked at him with wide eyes. "What you talking
about, Mousse? You think Shampoo *kill* Akane!?" Disbelief tinged
her voice, and she stared at him. "Shampoo no do that or Ranma
*hate* her! Magic ramen just make Akane go away! With Akane gone,
Shampoo win! Ranma all Shampoo's!" She gloried in the moment in
her dreams. Then she snapped back to reality, realizing she'd said
a little too much.
"I won't help you trick Ranma into marrying you."
Shampoo pouted. "Mousse no love Shampoo any more?"
Mousse trembled from the force of her anger. "Sh-Shampoo!
It's not that! It's just--I...I can't!" Shampoo took his hands in
hers and looked into his eyes deeply.
"Not even for Shampoo?" she asked in a small voice. Mousse
trembled again. He opened his mouth, then shut it. He closed his
eyes in shame, then opened them again.
"No...not even for you, Shampoo. I'm sorry," he finished in
a quiet voice. His hands clenched into fists, and he closed his
eyes in pain. "ARGH!" he screamed. "What fate is this that I must
help you break my heart? That stupid Saotome! He's got the most
beautiful girl in the whole--WHAM" A frying pan ended Mousse's
soliloquy, and he sank blissfully into slumber. Shampoo shrugged
absently and checked the frying pan for dents. She sighed in
frustration. "NOW what Shampoo do?"
Just then, the door to the Nekohanten opened, and Ranma burst
in.
(1) I could say something about how this wasn't that abnormal for
food at the Nekohanten, but I happen to like ramen. Which has
absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I'm a university
student and can't afford anything better anyways. Really.
* * *
Ranma jumped into the Nekohanten. Ordinarily, Shampoo would
have glomped onto him before he managed to take two steps but right
now her mind was on other things and she missed his entrance for
the first whole half second. That was just enough time for him to
duck under the nearest table. Shampoo walked over to his newfound
home and lifted the tablecloth, peering under at him.
"Ranma?" she asked him. "Ranma, why you hiding under table?
Shampoo no bite." Ranma peeked out fearfully.
"Shh!" he said frantically. "Akane's chasing me!" Shampoo
felt her heart lighten.
"Ai ya! Gods must love Shampoo!" Ranma paused from his
efforts at becoming one with the woodwork. What the heck was
Shampoo talking about now? That sounded like she was up to
something. Something, in Shampoo's case, usually meant Ranma
getting beaten up by Akane, and he had had quite enough of that
already, thank you very much (1).
Then Akane burst in the restaurant, holding a sledgehammer in
her arms, and Ranma decided he didn't care what Shampoo was
planning.
"WHERE IS HE? I'LL KILL HIM! I'LL TURN HIM INTO CHOPPED
LIVER!! HOW *DARE* HE??" She waved the sledge threateningly
around the room. "NOBODY GETS TO SAY THAT ABOUT MY MOTHER AND
LIVE!!"
Shampoo stepped up to her. "What you talking about, Akane?
Who he? (2)"
Akane just glared at her. "You know perfectly well who *he*
is, Shampoo. Where's Ranma!? I know you're hiding him!"
Shampoo looked at her, unafraid. "Shampoo no hide Ranma.
Akane no find him here." Akane screamed in rage and slammed her
mallet down on the table, which broke into two pieces. There was
a loud crack, mixed with the sound of someone trying to stop
himself from screaming in pain.
"When I find him, he'll wish he'd never been born!!" She
slammed her mallet on the table for emphasis. There was the sound
of someone desperately trying to muffle a cry of pain amidst the
splintering noise (3). The table crumbled into pieces.
Akane turned to leave. Shampoo saw her chance. "Oh!" she
cried out. Akane spun, expecting a trap. Shampoo just looked at
her with wide eyes. Of course, that didn't rule out a trap, but
Akane wasn't really thinking about that at the time. She was more
concerned with what she'd do to Ranma once she caught up with him.
Shampoo pointed at her sweater. "Akane have hair on sweater!
That no good. Here, Shampoo get rid of it for Akane." She quickly
grabbed at the hair, which was, somewhat unfortunately for Akane,
still attached to the rest of her. Akane felt a tug and then a
sharp pain as the hair snapped.
"Ow!" she yelled. "Hey! That hurt, you know!"
Shampoo looked at the single hair dangling from her hand in
practised dismay. "Oh! Shampoo so sorry!"
Akane narrowed her eyes menacingly. "I'm *sure*," she replied
flatly, somehow managing to convey the fact that she wasn't sure of
that fact in the slightest in about fifty different ways. "I'll
bet you did that on purpose!" she accused the blue-haired Amazon
girl (4).
Shampoo's eyes widened in innocent hurt. Akane snorted at the
sight. "Right now I just want to kill Ranma, Shampoo. Not you.
So don't get in my way!" She emphasized her point by slamming her
mallet into the remains of the table, which was definitely on its
last legs. There was a not-quite-so-muffled groan of pain. The
table spontaneously turned into so much sawdust. Akane didn't seem
to hear Ranma's piteous moan, perhaps because she had already run
out of the restaurant, yelling at him at the top of her lungs.
Shampoo pushed aside the rubble of the table and looked at
Ranma. "Ranma? You alive?" she asked, a bit worried. He groaned.
She smiled. "You stay here for a while. Or Akane maybe kill you.
Ranma no worry, Shampoo take care of violent girl for you."
Ranma pushed himself up onto a seat. "Owwww. That hurt," he
complained. He shook splinters of table out of his clothing, not
to mention his skin. "Man, what a tomboy," he said. Amazingly, a
flying mallet hit him in the side of the head (5).
"I HEARD THAT!!" came a faint yell of anger. Ranma's eyes
widened in fear and he scrambled for the back door.
Shampoo waited until the tumult died down again before she
looked back at the hair in her hands. "Oh, so good," she sighed
happily. "Now Shampoo can get rid of Akane."
(1) And, for that matter, for his entire life, as far as Ranma was
concerned.
(2) "And how were you going to chop him with a blunt instrument?"
(3) Some of you may be wondering what exactly this sounds like.
Unfortunately the answer cannot be properly experienced on a
written medium. But not to worry--there's an easy way to find out
what it sounds like first-hand...just give your younger sibling
five dollars and a large hammer (extradimensional hammers are
preferred where legal). Then lock yourself in an enclosed room
with them for thirty minutes. We guarantee you'll know what it
sounds like by then.
(4) Now, how could Akane ever accuse dear, sweet, innocent Shampoo
of such a thing? Could it possibly be due to the several dozen
attempts on Akane's life? Or perhaps those attempts to destroy her
memory? Or the small but increasing number of attacks on her
family by Amazons? Or the other few dozen attempts to steal Ranma,
brainwash him, and generally make Akane's life miserable in other
assorted ways? Of course not. Akane was just in a bad mood.
(5) Amazingly, not only due to the fact that Akane was by now
several blocks away, but also because there was an unbroken window
in between him and her. Once again, Akane had tapped into
Hammerspace and used its unique essence to give Ranma a headache.