* * *


Part Six


* * *

Various yells, screams of pain and curses came from the other side
of the locked gates that Kuno, Shampoo, Mousse and Kodachi had
reached. Lights started going on around the neighbourhood as
people woke up from the noise.

Ukyou: Okay, now what?

Akane: We have to get him inside without his mom noticing.

Ukyou looked at her. Then at she just cocked her head and listened
to the cacophony for a moment.

Ukyou: I think we've lost the element of surprise.

Akane blushed as she looked around.

Ukyou: What say we make a run for it?

Akane: Okay! [pause] ...But where to?

Ukyou: You mean you don't know!?

Nabiki stepped out of the dojo.

Nabiki: Put her in Akane's room.

Akane: WHAT!? Why *my* room?

Ranma-chan: Yeah, why her room?

Nabiki smirked.

Nabiki: Because, Akane, it's the last place anybody would look for
Ranko.

Akane ground her teeth but realized Nabiki's logic was sound. Much
to Ranko's disgust, Nabiki insisted she be gagged before bringing
her inside. The three girls carried her up to Akane's room. Mrs.
Saotome opened her door and looked out.

Nodoka: Girls? Is that you, Akane? Is Ranko with you?

Akane yelped and threw Ranko inside, slamming the door shut behind
her. Ranko hit the desk with a jarring thud and saw stars. But
she stayed awake this time. It was about time something went her
way.

* * *

Akane leaned against her door protectively, not a little afraid.
Ukyou was similarly nervous. Nabiki just smiled at Mrs. Saotome,
completely calm. Then again, she had been paid in advance.

Akane: Oh, h-hello, auntie!

Nodoka: Welcome back, dear. I hope your party was a success?

Akane stared blankly at Mrs. Saotome. Ukyou elbowed her and
pointed at Nabiki, who was nodding at them.

Akane: Party? What p--oh, *that* party. It was wonderful!

Mrs. Saotome smiled.

Nodoka: That's good to hear. Oh, hello dear. It's Ukyou, isn't
it?

Ukyou smiled uneasily. Akane stepped in front of her.

Akane: That's right! She's, uh, sleeping over!

Ukyou blinked in surprise. So did Nabiki.

Nodoka: You should really try to give us some warning, dear. It's
past ten in the evening! Will she be sleeping with you, dear?

Akane's jaw dropped. Then her eyes narrowed at Ukyou, seeing no
way out of it.

Akane: [through clenched teeth] Why yes, auntie Saotome. She'll
be sleeping in my room.

Nabiki covered a smile. Ukyou looked at Akane as if she would
rather sleep with Happosai, but said nothing. She didn't have to.
Her look said it all (1).

Nodoka: Well, dear, since you were out, I saved dinner for you.
Won't you and your friend come and eat with me?

Akane: Uh...sure.

Akane smiled faintly at Mrs. Saotome, who beamed back at her.


(1) Notice the wording, "as if". *Nobody* wants to sleep with
Happosai. Not even as a fraternity prank. Not even Kodachi.

* * *

Akane grumbled. Nabiki had already eaten, so she was upstairs.
She wanted to have a long talk with her sister about "contract
infringement" when this was all over. Ukyou smiled, trying to
think of something to say to Mrs. Saotome.

Nodoka poured them both tea and sat down as they started eating.

Nodoka: Dear, where is Ranko? It's not like her to be this late.

Akane and Ukyou both sweated.

Akane: Er...you see...

Ukyou: It's like this...

Mrs. Saotome looked at the two prevaricating girls. She stopped
smiling and her eyes narrowed dangerously.

Nodoka: Akane? Where is Ranko?

Akane: Uh...she's...uh...

Ukyou held her head and screamed.

Ukyou: AIE! I can't take it anymore! I'll tell you! I'll tell
you!

Akane looked at Ukyou in shock for a split second before deciding
Ukyou had snapped under the pressure. She desperately started
speaking.

Akane: Ah...ha. Ah ha ha ha, Ukyou, you're such a kidder, now why
don't you just GO HOME NOW, and we can sleep over some other
day?

Nodoka: No, no. I'm interested in what Ukyou has to say. Go on,
dear.

Akane felt her heart sinking.

Ukyou: Ranko made me promise not to tell, but I have to! She's...
she's--

Akane: UKYOU, NO! THINK OF RANMA!

Ukyou: She's at her boyfriend's!

Both Akane and Ranma's mother's jaws fell to the floor
simultaneously.

Akane: [shocked] She...she what?

Nodoka: [shocked] Oh my goodness!

Ukyou: I'm sorry, Ranko...but I just can't tell a lie!

Nodoka: [shocked] How--how forward! My goodness! We have to
stop her!

Akane: [indignant] Yeah! What kind of girl *is* she, anyways!?

Ukyou looked at Akane with her 'are-you-dumb-or-what' expression
(1). Realization slowly set in on Akane. She blushed a deep
crimson down to her toes. Mrs. Saotome calmed down somewhat.

Nodoka: [obviously trying to convince herself] Well...I
suppose...it *is* her life, after all. And besides, it's nice
she has a boyfriend. [looking up] Say, who *is* her
boyfriend, anyways? Is he an honourable lad?

Ukyou: Uh...what a good question, isn't it, Akane?

Akane: [snapping back at her] Don't you put that one on me!

Mrs. Saotome brightened.

Nodoka: Oh! I know! She managed to snare Ryoga, is that it?

Akane and Ukyou looked at each other. Then they turned back to
Mrs. Saotome.

Akane and Ukyou: RYOGA?

Mrs. Saotome smiled at them.

Nodoka: Yes! It all makes sense now. Of course, she's been
trying so hard recently, she must have finally used the
methods I taught her. I never thought she'd be successful so
soon!

Akane: [nervously] Ryoga?

Ukyou: [darkly] I think we need to have a talk with Ranchan.

Mrs. Saotome glanced at them questioningly.

Akane: Er...we just didn't think you had figured it out, Mrs.
Saotome...

Ukyou: Yeah, we all were hoping that they'd get together...

Nodoka: Well, I suppose it's alright, if she has a chaperone.

They both smothered giggles. Mrs. Saotome was beginning to look
halfway normal again, and they didn't want anything to spoil the
evening now.

Then Ryoga walked in, half-dazed.

Ryoga: Hello, can you tell me how to--oh, hello, Akane! What are
you doing in Hiroshima?

Everyone got beads of sweat on their heads.


(1) Patent pending.

* * *

Mrs. Saotome turned to Ryoga. She did not look pleased.

Nodoka: [icy tone] Excuse me, but aren't you Ryoga Hibiki?

Ryoga turned. In so doing, he failed to notice the danger signals
both Akane and Ukyou were making desperately.

Ryoga: Me? Um, yes, I am. Why do you ask?

Mrs. Saotome stood up to her full height and glared at Ryoga.

Nodoka: THEN TELL ME WHERE RANKO IS!

Ryoga opened his mouth. He decided asking where he was wouldn't be
a good idea. He closed it again. He just wished he knew what was
going.

Mrs. Saotome swept the girls with her gaze that somehow seemed to
be ice and fire at the same time. Akane and Ukyou looked at the
floor.

Nodoka: Now, Ranko *could* be in serious trouble somewhere--but I
see you two aren't surprised at this little development at
all, are you? So I don't think that's the case. No, I think
there's something you're not telling me.

Nobody spoke up.

Nodoka: I'm not an idiot and I'll thank you not to treat me like
one. I want to know where she is, and this time, I want to
hear the truth. And if I'm not satisfied with the answer,
I'll make you wish you'd never been born! Do you understand
me?

Not even a whisper answered her.

Nodoka: So that's the way it is, is it? I don't know how your
father will like being woken up at this hour, but we'll--

Akane: [quietly] Wait.

Nobody made a move to stop Akane.

Akane: [quietly] Auntie Saotome...I don't know how to tell you
this.

Nodoka: [loudly] Tell me what?

Akane: [quietly] Ranko is...avoiding you.

Mrs. Saotome went from red-hot anger to pale horror in a moment.

Nodoka: [disbelievingly] What?

Akane: She's...she's been avoiding you. Until you leave.

Nodoka: But...why?

Nobody spoke up. Mrs. Saotome looked at each person in turn,
pleadingly this time, a woman trying to understand why her life had
just been turned upside-down.

Nodoka: Please. I need to know.

Nobody spoke up. Mrs. Saotome sighed in defeat. Her shoulders
slumped.

Ukyou looked up.

Ukyou: I...I can tell you why.

Mrs. Saotome looked at her pleadingly.

Ukyou: It's...it's a long story.

Nobody offered to go for coffee. Ukyou took a deep breath.

Ukyou: When Ranko was young, about 5 or 6...she lived with her
father. Her father owned a store, you see. And every day, a
little boy and his father would come in to buy things. And,
well, over time, that little girl and that little boy fell in
love. Or at least, that's what she thought.

Ukyou looked up, challengingly. Nobody dared. She took another
deep breath.

Ukyou: So she had her father make arrangements with the boys
father for a marriage. He agreed, but then he turned around,
took the dowry, and ran. Ranko's family was destitute, and
her dreams were shattered. She had the choice of leaving her
family, or giving up her life. She chose to give up her
life--as a girl.

The silence was eerie. Almost like the calm before the storm, a
silence you don't find in real life. Luckily, this was a fanfic,
and nobody cared about insignificant details like that. Then
Genma, still in panda form, walked through on his way to get
something to eat. Ukyou looked at him with a burning gaze.

Ukyou: AND ALL BECAUSE OF THE STUPID FATHER!!

Ukyou charged at Genma with her spatula. Surprisingly, it was
Ryoga who restrained her. He gave Ukyou a look of sympathy before
wrestling her back down to the ground forcefully when she refused
to stop. Genma shrugged and started for the kitchen again.

Ryoga looked up at him and growled. Genma took one look and turned
around and left. In a hurry. Some things were more important than
midnight snacks, and right at the top of his list was survival.

Nodoka: But dear, I don't understand. That's certainly tragic,
but why would that make Ranko want to avoid me?

Akane looked up, interested. She had in fact been wondering the
same thing. She looked at Ryoga, who had a similar look on his
face. Everyone waited for Ukyou to speak. Ukyou looked at the
ground. Akane panicked, realizing *she* didn't know either.

Akane: Well, gosh, look at the time! It's sure late, isn't it,
Ryoga?

Ryoga: [caught off guard] Uh? [putting his arm behind his head]
Oh, yeah, hahaha!

Nodoka: Yes it is. And it's getting later, and Ranko's still not
home.

Akane shut up at Mrs. Saotome's matter-of-fact words. Ukyou
cleared her throat.

Ukyou: As I was saying...

Everyone shut up.

Ukyou: [wryly] Thanks. [normally] Well...you see, just before
she began her life as a boy...her mother died. But she asked
Ranko to promise her she would be the best at whatever she
did. And when Ranko became a boy, she had to become the best
boy--a man among men.

There was silence.

Ukyou: [angry] In case you don't get it, Ranko's avoiding you
because you're trying to make her break that promise! She
finally felt she could afford to show her feminine side, as
long as she kept acting like a guy--but you're ruining all
that! Do you know how long it took for her to admit she was
a girl? How hard it was for her to wear a dress!?

Mrs. Saotome turned to look at Ukyou. She had tears running down
her face.

Nodoka: I...see. I hadn't realized she felt that way. I've been
trying to help...but I'm only making things worse. I...I'll
leave.

Akane: What?

Mrs. Saotome smiled sadly, still crying.

Nodoka: I'll make it as easy for her as I can. Once I'm gone, she
can come back, ne (1)?

Ukyou: Uh, hei (2).

Nodoka: Well...I don't have much to pack. I would have liked to
say good-bye to Ranko...but under the circumstances, that
might not be such a good idea. Farewell, Akane. It's been
nice to see you again.

Akane: [shocked] You don't mean you're leaving *now*? In the
middle of the night?

Nodoka: I couldn't sleep anyways, knowing...say goodbye to your
father for me, dear. And your sisters.

Mrs. Saotome stood up and walked upstairs. She walked slowly, as
if burdened by a great weight. But something more important was
there. No, not there, Akane realized. Something important was
gone. Akane felt herself starting to cry. Mrs. Saotome didn't
look back, never saw her tears.


(1) 'Ne?' = okay?; right?

(2) 'Hei' = yes; okay; I'm listening.

* * *

Akane turned on Ukyou with a vengeance.

Akane: That was completely uncalled for! How could you be so
cruel?

Ukyou stared at her flatly.

Ukyou: Akane, that was perhaps the hardest thing I have ever done
in my life. I don't like telling my life story to other
people and I don't like pretending it's not mine. And I don't
like making anybody cry. But she needed a slap in the face,
and that was it. I'm sorry. I really am. I'll apologize to
her later--after she's gone.

Ukyou paused. She looked a bit hesitant.

Ukyou: And...I needed to say it. For me.

Ryoga looked at Akane. He wished he could do something, say
something to make her pain go away. He would gladly suffer burning
coals to make her happy, but nothing he could do or say could
protect her from her feelings. He watched helplessly as she sighed
and turned away, obviously depressed.

Ukyou: Still, I want to say goodbye to her. Why don't we finish
dinner while we wait?

The three sat down to a rather melancholy dinner. It tasted like
ashes to Akane.

* * *

Mrs. Saotome stood at the doorstep of the dojo. It was night, and
chilly, but the moon was full and it was silent. She turned to the
two girls waiting inside.

Nodoka: Well...I wish I could have stayed longer.

Mrs. Saotome looked around.

Nodoka: Oh, has Ryoga already left?

Akane: Iie (1)...he went to the bathroom.

Nodoka: Oh--I can wait for him.

Ukyou: I don't think so.

Mrs. Saotome looked questioningly at her. Ukyou looked at her.

Ukyou: Let's just say it's probably the last time we'll see him
for about a week.

Mrs. Saotome looked confused. Then she drooped, and gave a sigh.

Nodoka: To think...all her problems were caused by such a silly
promise. No promise should ever stand in the way of your
happiness.

Akane and Ukyou gave doubletakes.

Akane: But you said--

Ukyou: --that if Ranma was a girl--

Akane: --you'd make him commit suicide!

Mrs. Saotome smiled sadly.

Nodoka: Well, I was in a bit of shock at the time and wasn't
thinking clearly. When you're in shock, structured things are
easy to grasp at for support, and tradition is something
that's very structured. Besides, I couldn't take a silly
story like that too seriously.

Akane gasped.

Akane: But...but what if...

Mrs. Saotome turned to look at her questioningly.

Akane: What if...Ranko was telling the truth?

Mrs. Saotome smiled faintly.

Nodoka: Well, then I'd have to question my beliefs about flying
saucers and fairy tales. But seriously, I don't really know.
I can't imagine such a thing being real.

Ukyou: But what if Ranma were...say, less than manly?

Nodoka: [sharply] Are you saying my son is less than a manly man?

Ukyou: Uh, no! Not at all! Just a hypothetical question...

Mrs. Saotome smiled sweetly at her again. It was almost
disconcerting how she did that.

Nodoka: Well, in that case, I'd still love him. I haven't seen
him in over ten years, and he is *my son*. You'll understand
one day when you have children of your own. It wasn't my idea
to make that promise in the first place.

Akane and Ukyou: NANI!?

Nodoka: My idiot husband wanted to leave so badly, he resorted to
giving me a promise with the flip side being suicide. Of
course, how could I refuse him when confronted with that? But
he didn't have to. If he'd just waited another week...

Akane and Ukyou looked at each other.

Akane and Ukyou: Ranma!

Nodoka: [confused] What?

Akane: Stay right here!

Ukyou: We'll be right back!

The girls raced for the stairs, leaving a very surprised Nodoka
standing in the cold waiting for a taxi.


(1) 'Iie' or 'ie' = no.

* * *

It was dark in Akane's room. Ranko sighed. She hoped someone came
in soon to untie her. Better yet, to feed her something. She was
starving! At least Akane and Ukyou had dinner...

The light turned on. Ranko looked up. It was Ryoga. Ranko put
her best smile on her face, which is hard to do with a gag.

Ryoga: [evilly] Well, well, Ranma...

Ranma-chan: Mmmprgh?

Ryoga: I have you just the way I want you, for once! Hahaha!

Ryoga cracked his knuckles. Of course, he'd never hit a foe when
he was defenceless. It went against his code of honour. But Ranko
didn't know that. Ryoga grinned. He'd finally get the chance to
tell Ranma just how much pain he'd caused Ryoga, and Akane. In
minute detail. And of course, if Ranma felt a little afraid, so
much the better. Ranko started squirming desperately. Just then,
the wall burst open. Shampoo walked in through the hole she had
made in the wall.

Shampoo: Nihao Ranma! Shampoo come save husband!

Ryoga: [nonplussed] You can't do that! It's the second floor!

Shampoo idly walked over to Ryoga and smashed him with both bonbori
simultaneously. Amazingly, he didn't seem to notice. Shampoo
blinked in surprise, then snarled.

Shampoo: Pig-boy no hurt husband--or Shampoo hurt pig-boy!

Shampoo proceeded to pummel Ryoga. This too, had little effect,
and Ryoga's shock was beginning to wear off. Ryoga was amazingly
enduring. She looked at the remains of one of her clubs; the end
had smashed off where it had struck him. Shampoo began to feel
fear. Then she shrugged, took out a pink thermos, and splashed its
contents all over him.

P-Chan glared up at her. Shampoo picked up the piglet by the
bandanna with two fingers, walked over to the hole in the wall, put
her arm out, and let go. P-Chan gave a squeal that was abruptly
cut short with a THUD. Ranko kept squirming.

Shampoo: Husband no worry--Shampoo here save, not kill!

Shampoo took off Ranko's gag.

Ranma-chan: WHEW! Man, thanks Shampoo! You have no idea how bad
that tast--guh?

Ranko's exclamation was cut short by Shampoo leaning down and
kissing her deeply on the lips. Ranko recovered quickly, though.

Ranma-chan: Er, Shampoo, we can do that later. You have to untie
me quickly!

Shampoo: Why Shampoo do that when she can take husband to priest
now and be married?

Ranma-chan: Gack--no, Shampoo! You don't want me that way! You
don't want forced marriage!

Shampoo just looked at him oddly, confused.

Shampoo: Why no?

Ranko was dumbfounded. She quickly tried another tactic.

Ranma-chan: If you let me go...I promise you I'll go out with you!
Wouldn't you rather have me love you for who you are, not by
force or trickery?

Shampoo appeared to give it some thought. Then she shrugged.

Shampoo: Shampoo can have that after married.

Ranma-chan: AHH! Okay, okay, *two* dates!

Shampoo hesitated.

Shampoo: [hesitantly] Ranma no lie?

Ranma-chan: [earnestly] Shampoo, I would *never* lie to you.

Shampoo: [happy] Okay!

Shampoo quickly untied Ranko. And took off the chains. And undid
the ribbons. And took out the branches. And cleaned up a bit of
the mud. Finally, she was done.

Then Ranko heard footsteps running up the stairs.

Ranma-chan: Oh no! They must've heard the noise--I've gotta get
away, quick!

Shampoo: Shampoo help husband! You no worry. How else Shampoo
can go on date with him?

Ranko gave her a grateful smile before departing through the hole.

* * *

Akane and Ukyou hurriedly ran up the stairs, turning and reaching
Akane's room. Akane grabbed open the door. Then she froze. Ukyou
bumped into her.

Ukyou: Ow! Hey Akane, why'd you--

Akane just pointed. Ukyou followed her gaze. Inside was a mess.
The wall had been recently renovated with what looked to be like a
wrecking ball, and Ranko had turned into Shampoo. Ukyou blinked.
Oh. Shampoo had arrived and helped Ranma flee.

Shampoo: Shampoo stop evil girls from tying up husband! Shampoo
fight!

Akane slammed the door and leaned against it. She turned to Ukyou.

Akane: Well, we have to go and save him from his own stupidity.

Ukyou nodded. They ran downstairs. Akane was heard to have added,
under her breath, a single word.

Akane: Again.

* * *

The cab driver looked at his watch impatiently. Mrs. Saotome
sighed. She turned to him apologetically.

Nodoka: I'm sorry, sir. They're usually not like this. I assure
you it will just be a moment.

Driver: [bored] Yeah, yeah.

Just then Ranko ran around the corner. She seemed to be running
for her life, actually. She was closely followed by that blue-
haired girl, Akane, Ukyou, and a small black pig. Mrs. Saotome
doublechecked that one. Yes, a small black pig with a yellow-and-
black bandanna on it was chasing her, too. What in the world...

Akane: Wait, Ranma!

Ranma-chan: [sarcastic] Yeah, right.

Ranko saw her mother. She didn't try to stop. For one thing, she
was wide awake and she *knew* she was female this time. For
another thing, if she stopped, Akane and Ukyou might catch up and
tie her up again.

Ranma-chan: They've gone nuts! Help! Help!

Ranko looked for a place to hide. She realized she couldn't. Then
she remembered everybody trying to keep her away from her mother.
Of course! She could stay next to Mrs. Saotome and they wouldn't
dare grab her then! She ran towards her mother. Then she got a
closer look. Her mother was next to a taxi. That was odd. Why
was she next to a taxi? Now she was getting into it. What? Ranko
tried to understand. She was probably just going out to...a party.

Yeah, a party at eleven p.m. Sure, that made sense. Okay. Her
mother smiled and waved goodbye, slowly closing the taxi door.
Ranko tried to fit that into her hypothesis. She couldn't. She
realized her only chance of surviving the next month was with her
mother. She realized her mother was leaving her. She put two and
two together.

Ranma-chan: MOM! WAIT!

Ranko ran faster, jumping into the taxi and into the lap of a
surprised Mrs. Saotome.

* * *

Mrs. Saotome looked down at Ranko in shock. Ranko wondered why.
Then she played back the last few seconds in her mind. Leaping
into her lap. Okay. A bit odd, maybe, but she should have gotten
used to weird stuff around the Tendo's. Closing the door behind
her. Fine. Ranko was used to fancy tricks requiring dexterity,
and if her mom hadn't been surprised when she jumped over rooftops,
that shouldn't have fazed her. Calling her mom. She choked.

She looked up at her mother with trepidation. She was crying. Uh-
oh. Now she was in for it.

Nodoka: Yes!

Ranma-chan: [surprised] Huh?

Nodoka: Yes, of course I'll be your mother!

Ranma-chan: ...

Nodoka: I didn't think you wanted me around. I'll never make you
dress up again! I promise!

Ranko looked at her mother, confused. More like stunned.

Nodoka: And I want you to know I think you have upheld your
promise most honourably.

Ranko lit up.

Ranma-chan: You mean...?

Nodoka: Yes, if your mother were alive, she would be proud of the
young lady you've become!

Ranko collapsed.

Ranma-chan: Right...

Nodoka: *Do* you want me as your mother?

Ranko looked up again. Her mother was crying softly. Ranko smiled
and hugged her.

Ranma-chan: You bet! ...Mom. More than anything in the world.

Nodoka: Oh, thank goodness. I was afraid...but no matter.

She smiled as she stroked Ranko's hair.

Nodoka: I always meant to tell you...but I needed to be sure.
Once I knew you were an orphan, I decided to adopt you.
That's why I kept asking about Ranma. To make sure you two
would get along as sister and brother. And to make sure you'd
accept me as your mom...

Ranko shrunk away a little. Her mother looked at her in surprise.

Nodoka: Oh, dear. Did I say something wrong again? I--

Driver: Hey, lady, you want I should take the others too?

Mrs. Saotome looked at him in confusion.

Nodoka: What?

The driver pointed out the rear window. Ranko and her mother
realized they had been driving for the last minute. Akane, Ukyou
and Shampoo were chasing the car.

Nodoka: Oh my goodness! Stop the car at once!

The driver shrugged.

Driver: You're the boss, lady.

He stepped on the brakes so hard the two Saotome females were
crushed against the front seat.

Ranko and her mother got out of the taxi. The three girls came
running up to them, panting and exhausted.

Akane: Mrs...Sao...to...me...

Nodoka: Goodness! Catch your breath, dear. I'm so sorry! I
didn't realize we were moving!

Ukyou gasped as she leaned against the taxi.

Ukyou: Wait...important...

Nodoka: I said, catch your breath! You've run half to death. Now,
we can all talk like reasonable people in a minute!

Mrs. Saotome turned to the driver.

Nodoka: If that's all right with you, sir.

Driver: Yeah, sure. This is the best entertainment I got all
night.

Mrs. Saotome looked vaguely unsettled at that, but left it alone.

A few seconds later, Mr. Tendo came bicycling up with Genma (as
panda) on the handlebars.

Soun: What's the problem? What's all the fuss about?

Nabiki walked up.

Nabiki: Hey, gang. What's going on?

Soun: Nabiki! What are you doing up at this hour!?

Other seventeen-year-old girls might have quailed at having their
fathers find them out on the street at eleven p.m., but Nabiki was
no ordinary seventeen-year-old girl. She was a pro. She didn't
even panic. She just looked at her father sternly.

Nabiki: Moi? What are *you* doing out in the street this late,
daddy?

Mr. Tendo's eyes crossed as he realized the standard he was setting
for his baby girls. He nearly started to cry again.

Akane: I have something very important to say to you, Mrs.
Saotome!

Nodoka: [with some trepidation] Really? Well, go on, dear.

Akane: [triumphantly] I can tell you where Ranma is!

Ranko looked at Akane, poleaxed. Genma hurriedly wrote a sign.

Panda: [sign] "You can beat him up all you want later! Think of
me!"

Akane: She's been right here all al--

Ranma-chan: AHHHHH!! AKANE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??

Akane glared at Ranko.

Akane: Shut up!

Nodoka: Now, now, Akane. It's not nice to say that to people.

Akane: I just want to say that Ranma is--

Ranma-chan: GAHHH!! NO!! SHUT UP!

Ukyou: Ranchan, listen to Akane, she--

Panda: [sign] "Don't listen!"

Ranma-chan: SHUT UP! I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT!!

Nodoka turned to Ranko. She opened her mouth. Then she shrugged
and decided not to say anything.

Akane looked at the two in surprise.

Akane: Hey, how come she didn't get scolded?

Nodoka ignored her.

Nodoka: Was there something you wanted to tell me, Akane?

Panda: [sign] "Just say no."

Akane: Oh! I almost forgot! Ranma is--

Ranma-chan: SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!!

Ukyou: LISTEN TO AKANE, RANCHAN!

Akane: I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU, YOU JERK!!

Ranma-chan: YOUR HELP IS GOING TO GET ME KILLED!!

Ukyou: NO IT'S NOT! JUST LISTEN FOR ONCE!!

Lights turned on around the area as sleepy people woke up from
sound sleep to hear the three girls shouting. A few looked out
their windows to see a taxi, bicycle, panda, and assorted people
with or without lethal weaponry on the streets below. A few of
those called the news. Most of the rest were used to it and went
back to sleep.

Akane: Well, it's better than killing yourself!

Mrs. Saotome kept turning her head to look at each in turn. She
was not the only one. Everyone was paying close attention to the
debate between Akane and Ranko.

Ranma-chan: Oh yeah--how? By eating your cooking?

Akane slammed Ranko into the ground.

Akane: Mrs. Saotome--

Ranma-chan: NO! DON'T! STOP!

Akane kept going, heedless of Ranko's desperate cries.

Akane: --your son Ranma is actually--

Ranko screamed, drowning own Akane's next words. Then she stepped
forward until her face was only inches away from Akane's. She had
tears coming down her cheeks.

Ranma-chan: I *HATE* YOU!!

Akane fell silent, stunned. So did everybody else. A few cars
were stopping nearby, curious. More lights were being turned on.

Akane started crying. She looked at Ranko.

Akane: [tearfully] B-but...Ranm--Ranko...I...l...l...[choking]
...I l...[quietly] I really like you.

Ukyou's instincts kicked in. She jumped in between them, rounding
angrily on Akane.

Ukyou: That may be so, but *I* LOVE Ranchan!

Akane turned on Ukyou angrily. Apparently the truce was over.

Akane: Oh YEAH? Well, *I'm* the one she's living with!

Mr. Tendo leaned over Ukyou with a bullhorn.

Soun: AKANE IS THE ONE AND ONLY FIANCEE THAT MATTERS!! GET THAT
THROUGH YOUR HEAD!

Ukyou: Well, *I* love Ranchan even with the curse!

Akane: Oh yeah? Oh YEAH?

Ukyou smirked.

Ukyou: *I'd* marry Ranchan even WITH the curse! Can you say the
same?

Mrs. Saotome walked forward. Everyone turned to her. They had
forgotten she was there. The people from their houses sat down,
getting good seats for the evening's entertainment. A few brought
out lawn chairs, and some enterprising kids started selling
lemonade and popcorn.

Nodoka: Well, well. This is getting *very* interesting, don't you
think so?

Driver: Yeah, yeah!

Mrs. Saotome ignored him.

Nodoka: I think, Tendo-kun, that in light of recent...
illuminations... it would be in your best interests to cancel
your engagement of Akane to my Ranma.

Everybody shut up. The news crew that had arrived started filming.

Nodoka: I won't stand in the way of true love. Even if it is,
well...unconventional.

Akane and Ukyou stood still, their mouths hanging open as they
realized what they had just said had sounded like to Mrs. Saotome.
Ukyou blushed furiously. She wasn't that type of girl. Akane was
just in shock.

Nodoka: Except for one thing...Ranko.

Mrs. Saotome looked at Ranko, who was looking at the ground.

Nodoka: Do you want to say anything, daughter?

Everyone else's jaws dropped, making it unanimous. Ranko sadly
shook her head, not daring to meet anyone's eyes.

Shampoo: Good! Akane and Ukyou go make nice-nice! Then *Shampoo*
be only bride for Ranma!

Shampoo started laughing. Akane and Ukyou flattened Shampoo.

Nodoka: Well. I suppose it's up to you girls, then. If you love
Ranko, we'll cancel your engagements to Ranma.

The film crews panned in for a close-up shot, getting the maximum
tearjerks from the scene. Akane looked at Mrs. Saotome. Then she
looked at Ranko, who was still avoiding her gaze. She looked at
the ground. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Ukyou doing the
same thing. She looked around.

It was only then she realized the huge number of people gathered
around them. She 'eep'ed in shock. Anything she said here would
be seen, heard by dozens--no, thousands of people, with that news
crew included. She felt dizzy.

It was Ukyou, though, who spoke first.

Ukyou: [whispering brokenly] Hei. I...lo...love...Ran...Ranko.
Please call off my engagement to Ranma.

She turned to Ranko, who was looking at her with shock.

Ukyou: [broken] I just want you to be happy.

Akane spoke up. Her voice was barely audible.

Akane: ...Me too.

Soun started crying (#501, My Daughter Just Announced She Loves
Other Women In Front Of All Our Neighbours).

Soun: AHHH! My daughter just announced she loves other women in
front of all our neighbours! We'll have to move out!! (1)

Nodoka opened her mouth. Ranko put a hand on her arm. She turned
to Ranko, surprised but willing to be silent.

Ranma-chan: [whispering] Wait. You don't have to do this. Not
for me.

Akane & Ukyou: Ranko?/Ranchan?

Ranma-chan: Mom? I'm not really Ranko.

Mrs. Saotome looked at Ranko in mild surprise. She waited.

Ranma-chan: I...I'm...

Everyone leaned forward. Ranko looked up.

Ranma-chan: I'M GOING TO KILL EVERYBODY UNLESS THEY LEAVE US
ALONE!!

Everybody but the Tendo-Saotome families scattered. The camera
crews hastily packed up and left. Ranko calmed down somewhat.

Ranma-chan: Mom...remember everything I said at dinner?

Nodoka: Yes, dear. What about it?

Ranma-chan: It's true. [quiet] All of it.

Mrs. Saotome slapped Ranko. Ranko fell back, hurt.

Nodoka: Ranko! I am VERY disappointed in you. Besides taking me
for a complete idiot, you have no respect for my feelings.
What's worse, you're making the sacrifice of these girls into
a mockery! I am ashamed of you!

Ranko turned pale.

Ranma-chan: Wait! I can prove it! [begging] Please...just give
me a chance.

Mrs. Saotome looked at her coldly. She sighed and relaxed. She
nodded. Ranko brightened, then looked around, realizing the flaw
in her plan.

Shampoo: Here, ai lan (2). Shampoo bring hot water in case of
'accident'.

Shampoo handed Ranko a blue thermos. She accepted it gratefully,
but couldn't get the top off. Looking at her, Mrs. Saotome
realized Ranko's hands were shaking uncontrollably. Akane took the
thermos from Ranko's hands.

Akane: Are you *sure* you want to do this?

Ranma-chan: YOU'RE the one who tried to do just this a few minutes
ago!

Akane shrugged. Then she undid the cap and poured the still-
steaming water over Ranko. She transformed back into Ranma.

Mrs. Saotome stood in shock. Everyone else froze, waiting for her
reaction. But something was moving. Ranma felt his hair beginning
to grow at a fantastic rate. And he didn't have the dragon's hair!

He realized he'd forgotten about it in the panic. Nabiki smiled a
smile that only vaguely resembled a predatory animal. She held out
a piece of string to Ranma. He grabbed the dragon's hair and
quickly tied his braid with it.

That seemed to snap Mrs. Saotome out of her shock. She turned to
regard Ranma.

Nodoka: Why...?

Ranma: Long story.

Mrs. Saotome nodded. Then she grabbed her son in a ferocious hug.
She was crying.

Nodoka: Oh, RANMA! It's been so long! I thought I'd never see
you again!

Ranma: [incredulously happy] You mean you don't mind???

Mrs. Saotome pulled away from Ranma. He hesitated, thinking she'd
gone too far.

Nodoka: Ranko...I mean, Ranma...what makes a man isn't the depth
of his voice or the hair on his chest.

Ranma: [dubiously] It's not?

Nodoka: Of COURSE not! How could you think such a silly thing?
Who taught you that?

Genma nervously slipped away from the group.

Nodoka: My darling son...being a man means living up to your word,
honouring your commitments, being honest, caring and fair, and
having honour (3). It won't change if your chest size does,
or if you wear makeup. It's inside that counts.

Ranma: But that doesn't--wait a sec. Why am I arguing?

Nodoka: And tonight you have just shown me that you do indeed have
honour, and caring, and that you are honest. You are indeed
a man among men. And my dear son.

Ranma looked at her mother. She held out her arms with a smile.
Ranma lit up like a Christmas tree and jumped into her arms.

Ranma: MOM!!


(1) I would just like to state, for the record, that I am firmly
in favour of gays and lesbians. While heterosexual myself (and
happy that way) I have several friends and relatives who have
chosen another path. I support them one hundred percent. It is
used in this fanfic as humour only. Keep in mind Soun Tendo
overreacts. A lot. To everything.

(2) Chinese for "Dear Husband". I'm not sure whether Shampoo
speaks Cantonese, Mandarin, or a variant offshoot. Actually, I'm
not sure I want to know--that broken english just sounds so *cute*,
and hearing her speak above a 3rd grade level would just ruin it
for me (which says something about me, I'm sure). Of course, the
same broken english also covers up an animal cunning and rather
intelligent mind that controls a girl who'd sooner stick you with
a sword as kiss you, unless it was the kiss of death. Maybe I
should stick to spatula-wielding okinomiyaki-making brown-haired
girls. It's something to give some thought to.

(3) I like to think I'm not sexist. I support the feminist
movement, and I try to avoid unconscious sexism. When I use the
term "man", I'm referring to the old meaning--human being (from the
Old German, look it up). It was never a sexist term--male
only--until late in our history. They then made up the term
woman. Many ancient Chinese and Japanese books of philosophy do
something similar when they refer to the "Enlightened Man". I
understand that the Japanese language has very distinct differences
between male and female words and objects, but since I'm writing in
english, I'm trying as well as I can.

* * *

Mrs. Saotome turned to the taxi driver, who was still sitting
there. His cigarette had long since gone out, but he still had it
in his mouth.

Mrs. Saotome: I beg your pardon, sir, but it looks like I'll be
staying for a little while longer.

The driver made a feeble gesture and turned around, looking like he
was in shock. Of course, considering that night's events, he might
very well be. He started the car and resolved to give up drinking.
Period.

Nabiki smiled. She'd tell Ranma about the price tag on that hair
later. She didn't want to spoil his happiness--yet, anyways.
Besides, she had other people to blackmail--Ryoga, for one. He
seemed to be nervous around her for some reason. He must have
something to blackmail that he thought she knew. Not that that
made any difference. It was all in his *belief* that she knew.
She smiled.

Mrs. Saotome turned to Ranma.

Nodoka: You know, I'm not sure I'm used to this form yet. You're
prettier in your other form. [a thought hits her] But if
you're actually a boy, that means Ryoga isn't your boyfriend!
That's too bad. You made a good couple.

Ranma turned green. Mrs. Saotome sighed. She started to think.
Ryoga was so sad, so lonely. Surely he had someone he liked. Of
course! It was so obvious! The way he was so shy around her, the
way he always faded into the woodwork when she was around. The
poor boy was too shy to show it. Well, she'd help him out. She'd
have to arrange for "accidental" meetings between the pair for a
few days and let nature take its course. She idly wondered how
Ryoga and Kodachi would look as a couple once she got them
together. Ryoga would be so happy!

Ranma turned to Akane and Ukyou while his mother talked. He
blushed.

Ranma: Akane...th...thank you. And you too, Ukyou.

Ukyou beamed at him.

Ukyou: No problem, Ranchan! Anything for my fiancee!

Soun: [towering over Ukyou] No, no. You gave that up. Now my
little girl Akane is Ranma's only fiancee!

Everybody: WHAT?

Shampoo glomped onto Ranma.

Shampoo: Ha! Shampoo only one with claim to Ranma now! You give
up claim on him too, no?

Mr. Tendo grabbed Akane and Ranma and brought them together again.

Soun: Akane! I am going to marry you to Ranma!

Akane shouldered herself loose.

Akane: WHAT!?

Ukyou: If you can just make an engagement like that, so can I!
Come here, Ranchan!

Ukyou grabbed Ranma and pulled him close.

Akane: HEY! Just *what* do you two think you're DOING?

Ukyou: I'm giving him a kiss to seal the engagement!

Ranma struggled in between Akane, Ukyou, Shampoo, and Mr. Tendo.

Ranma: Mom...! Help?

Mrs. Saotome shook her head.

Nodoka: I'm sorry, my son, but you must learn to deal with your
own problems. Cleaning up your own mess is part of what makes
you a man.

Akane: [angry] Well, you have fun with your fiancee, Ranma.
*I'm* going to go back and make dinner for you, since you
never got any.

Ranma: No! Don't do that! You'll kill us! I just got out of
*one* form of murder alive and--ack! WHAM

Ranma flew into the air, propelled by Akane's hammer. Akane panted
heavily and stormed off.

Shampoo: [formerly attached to Ranko] Where Ranma go? Ranma take
Shampoo out on date like he promise now?

Akane and Ukyou: WHAT?

Ukyou: Ranchan, did you promise that bimbo a date when you haven't
even taken me out to a movie yet?

Akane: Ranma, what did you go and do THAT for?

Ranma: Uh...

Shampoo clasped her hands together and got a dreamy look.

Shampoo: Oh, Shampoo so happy! Ranma say he love her for herself,
no by force!

Akane: RANMA! WHAM How could you say such a thing!

Soun: [demon head] DO YOU HAVE AN EXPLANATION FOR THIS, BOY?

Ranma: Aaiee! Wait! It's all a misunderstanding!

Ranma backed into a wall. The wall was suddenly smashed to pieces.

When the cloud of dust died down, a by-now familiar looking male in
white robes and glasses was standing there. His arms were folded
into his sleeves, and he looked mad. Next to him stood another
familiar figure in travelling clothes and a bandanna, cracking his
knuckles, which seem to have seen recent use, perhaps on the nearby
wall. Beneath the two sinister figures were about two dozen
assorted ducks milling around randomly, which ruined the mood.

Mousse: Saotome! Did you tell my beloved Shampoo that you loved
her? I will have to punish you now!

Ryoga: Not before I do! I'm going to kill you Ranma! Did you
really think throwing me out a two-story window was going to
get rid of me?

Ranma: Well, yes...

Mousse whipped his hands in a half-circle. A small object flew
into Ranma's clothing. He looked down. It was a small earring, or
something.

Ranma backed away from both opponents. He was now backed into a
corner. His fiancees angrily marched towards him. Ranma looked
around for a way out. There actually was one for a change. Ranma
blinked in surprise. Then he saw Kuno running down the street
towards him.

Kuno: Saotome, you sorcerer! How could you keep the pig-tailed
girl's twin hidden to your lecherous depravities all this
time? How could you perform such acts of sorceries! And what
evil spell did you cast on Akane to make her change her
disposition so harshly towards myself today? You must pay!
[his bokken starts blurring as he charges Ranma] Strike
strike strike strike strike!

Behind Ranma the remaining wall collapsed from the air pressure
alone. Ranma was doing acrobatics trying to dodge all the blows.
Then Mousse let fly with his chains just as Ryoga powered up for a
ki-blast. Kuno grazed Ranma on the chest.

Ranma: AHH! Kuno, wait a second!

There was a burst of evil laughter. Everyone shuddered, including
Kuno.

Kodachi: [leaping off the wall in her leotard] Wait, dear
brother! You need not worry about Ranma any more once I give
him a dose of this extra-special love potion I made up!

Everybody: [in flat voices] Kodachi.

Kodachi: OHOHOHO!

Everybody: [shivering] Brrrr...

Ryoga: [taking advantage of the momentary lull] RAAAAANMA!

Ryoga let fly with a SHISHI HOUKODAN (1) blast which caught Ranma
and sent him flying into the wall with a crash, as well as
incidentally destroying most of the rest of the wall. Shampoo
smashed Ryoga over the head with a bonbori and threw him over the
wall before running over to Ranma.

Shampoo: Ranma? You alive?

Akane: You'd better be, Ranma, because you're going to eat my
dinner and LIKE it!

Ukyou: [wielding her spatula threateningly] Ranchan, I'm still
engaged to you? Got that?

Soun: Remember, son! You promised to take out Akane on a date!
I'm going to hold you to your word!

Akane: Dad!

Akane paused for a second to yell at her father before running back
to Ranma. Soun started to cry (#160, My Youngest Daughter Yelled
At Me).

Ukyou: [wielding her spatula as a lethal weapon] RANMA! HOW
COULD YOU GO OUT WITH *BOTH* OF THEM?! YOU TWO-TIMER!

Mousse: Very bad, Ranma Saotome! I feel the strong urge to hurt
you!

Just then, three men in white lab coats came running into the area,
carrying butterfly nets and a radar-receiver.

First Man: There! That one in the chinese outfit!

Second Man: ...But that's not a duck!

The three men all stopped in their tracks. They got into a huddle
while everybody stared, confused at this new interruption. Sure,
they were following the regular pattern of new-martial-artist-
randomly-attacks-Ranma-for-no-particularly-good-reason, but they
usually didn't come in threes, or wear white lab coats, for that
matter.

Third Man: The computer doesn't lie.

First Man: But he's obviously a human!

Second Man: True. Which means...

Third Man: [gasping] A witch?

First Man: [nodding] And what do we know about witches?

Second Man: Uh...they float in water?

First Man: And what else does?

Third Man: Uh...wood?

Second Man: Small rocks?

Third Man: A duck?

First Man: Of course! A duck!

Second Man: Which means...

Third Man: It must be a duck.

First Man: And we know what to do with them.

Third Man: Let's get him!

They charged Ranma with their nets. Everyone else started moving
again, mostly towards Ranma. In large numbers. At once.

Ranma: [in desperation] Help! Somebody, anybody, DO SOMETHING!!

Just then, the clouds opened up and it started to pour.

Shampoo-Cat: [attached to Ranko's face] Meow! Prr.

Ranko: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

MuuMuu-chan: Quack. [translation: "Oh no. Not again. No, no,
no, no, no..."]

First Man: Look! More ducks!

Second Man: Let's get that one, too!

MuuMuu-chan: QUACK! [translation: "Hidden Weapons school final
attack: hunk'a hunk'a burning couch of love!" (2)]
WHAAAAAAAAM [everybody else winces]

P-Chan came walking dizzily around the carnage from where Shampoo
had tossed him.

P-Chan: [dizzily walking around the carnage] Bwee!

Akane: P-Chan! Oh, I've missed you, you widdle thing! Where did
you come from?

Ukyou: I think I saw him come from around the dojo, Akane.

Akane: Oh! Isn't that where Ryoga fell after Shampoo hit him? He
hasn't come back yet! He might be hurt!

Ranma: [groaning] What am I, chopped liver? [to Akane] Don't
worry about Ryoga, he can be a real pig at ti--WHAM OW!
WHADYA DO THAT FOR?

Akane: RANMA!! Stop picking on Ryoga! I'm serious!

P-Chan: [agreeing] Bwee!

Nodoka and Soun stood in the rain as the shouts became more
distant.

Nodoka: ...But then again, maybe there are just some things we
were never meant to face alone.

Soun just stood and cried (#77, Everything is Back To Normal
Again).

Nodoka: By the way, I've been meaning to ask...where is my
husband?

Everybody facefaulted.


(1) Roaring Lion Bullet. A ki attack which uses one's negative
feelings as a "hard energy" strike. With Ryoga, it is very
powerful, seeing as how depression is an almost constant state of
mind with him.

(2) Another attack taken from the Ranma 1/2 Roleplaying Game. It
doesn't really exist in the series (to the best of my knowledge,
anyways). It consists of the master of Hidden Weapons pulling a
chesterfield out of his or her robes, setting it on fire, and then
using it as a blunt instrument.

FINI



All Of My Life - by Phil Collins


All of my life (We see Ranko dive into the pool
I've been searching as her mom walks into the light)
For the words to say how I
feel (Ranko smiles and laughs
I've spent my time thinking nervously with her mom)
too much
And leave too little to say (Nodoka cries. Ranko looks
what I mean around nervously before
But I've tried to understand comforting her mom in a hug)
the best I can
All of my life (Nodoka smiles at her)

All of my life (Ranko cries herself to sleep)
I've been saying sorry
For the things I know I should (Ranko yells at Akane and sadly
have done looks at the ground as Nodoka
All the things I could have looks between Akane and Ukyou)
said come back to me
Sometimes I wish that it had (The calender flips a dozen
just begun pages and Ranko and her mom
Seems I'm always that little walk together during different
too late visits)
All of my life

Saddle up (Ranko insults Akane. Akane
I'll take a drink with you pummels her into the ground)
Pull up a chair, I think I'll
stay (Nodoka stops her and talks to
Saddle up Akane. Akane looks abashed.
'Cause I'm going nowhere All three walk inside together
There's too much trying to to make dinner)
remember
And there's too much trying (Ranko screams as the hot water
to say nearly hits her)

All of my life (Genma tells Ranma about
I've been looking Nodoka's wonderful cooking)
But it's hard to find a way
Just reaching past the goal (Ranma beats Ryoga with a new
in front of me technique he learned from
While what's important just Cologne)
slips away
And it doesn't come back but (Mrs. Saotome looks out a window
I'll be looking sadly, all alone. She picks up
All of my life a picture of baby Ranma)

Saddle up (Nodoka slaps Ranko. Ranko
I'll take a drink with you cries and pours water on
Pull up a chair, I think I'll herself)
stay
Saddle up (Nodoka stands in shock. Ranko
'Cause I'm going nowhere stands and waits, unsure. Then
There's too much trying to Nodoka enfolds him in a hug)
remember
And there's too much trying (Ranma hugs her back, happy)
to say

All of my life (Everybody goes home. Nabiki
There have been regrets holds out her hand. Nodoka
That I didn't do all I could hands her money. She goes
Playing records upstairs while upstairs. A second later, Mrs.
he watched TV Saotome joins her and points out
I didn't spend the time I the window before leaving.
should Nabiki shrugs, counting her
It's a memory I will live with money. Then she stops and
All of my life puts it away to watch the sun
rise)

Music fades out Fade to black


Author's comments:
YES!! It's over! It's finally over! I'm free! Free!
HAHAHAHAHA! Well, seriously--it's now a little over a month and a
half since I conceived of the plot for this story while trying to
fall asleep late one night, and over a hundred hours later hunched
over my computer screen, mostly late at night. Many long nights
were spent on this pet project that wouldn't die, and a few tests
went worse than they should have because I was inspired to write
something when I should have been studying. Staring at page 182 of
the end of this epic story, I feel like I should be able to say
something witty and wise that will change all your lives for the
better. I hope those of you who read my work understand all my
wisdom is in the story and what it says, between the lines and in
them, and not in my comments here at the end--or in any email I
write. I hope you'll like the story, because if you do, it's all
been worth it.

Dave Harper, February 8th 1996, 3:30 am
2nd draft, April 3rd 1996, 2:20 am