Hey kid.

Maybe I should use your name, but I never actually learned it, so you're gonna have to deal.

I know, you're probably thinking I'm some kind of molester who worships the ground Michael Jackson walks on, but I'm totally not. I'm actually your mom. I mean, the woman you're living with now- Vanessa- she's your mom too. She's the one who fed you and wiped your ass when you crapped your pants. Try not to read that 'ass' part out loud. Vanessa probably won't like it.

Yeah, well, I guess I should explain how I'm your mom.

Basically I'm the one who carried you around in my gut for nine months, and squeezed you out my vag. You were basically the end-product of a chair and sex.

And let me tell you, humping Paulie- your dad- was amazing.

I took like three pregnancy tests to make sure you were really there. After I told Paulie and Leah, I was gonna get an abortion at this place called Women Now. Now, don't be pissed. I mean, I was sixteen, and I didn't know shit about raising a kid.

Well, there I saw a...I wouldn't call her a friend, but she's all right... of mine named Su-Chin. She was saying stuff about how all babies wanted to be born, holding some freaky poster with a baby on it. She told me some stuff about you- that you had a beating heart (that was sort of interesting), you could feel pain (poor kid), and you had fingernails. Now that sounded cool.

But, yeah, I was there to do something. There was this punk girl at the place who offered me these "condom-suckers", and told me about her boyfriend's junk. Don't ask me about junk, I'll tell you when your older, maybe, or just ask Vanessa. I'm not getting into the details right now, so I'll just get to the point- I decided not to off you when you were a seamonkey.

Once again, don't ask.

Me and Leah started looking at ads in the Pennysaver. That's where we found Vanessa and the man who would've been your dad- Mark Loring.

I told Dad and Bren, and surprisingly, they were actually pretty cool about the whole thing. Dad even took me to see your mom and Mark. You know, at first I didn't like Vanessa, but I thought Mark was really cool, since he had all this sweet rock stuff in this room. We even had a wizard jam session before Dad and me left.

A couple months later, I got an ultrasound. Let me tell you, you looked freaky in black and white. But, don't worry, even covered in blood and guts, you were pretty cute in color. And the ultrasound tech was being a major pain in the vag, saying that I was poisonous and all this crap. Bren came to my rescue though. So much for the wicked stepmother cliche, huh? I took your first "baby pictures" to Mark and we watched The Wizard of Gore. When you're older, and Vanessa leaves you alone, watch that video- if it's still there, I mean.

A little while after that, your dad and I, we sort of broke up. Though, seeing as we weren't really a couple at that point, I'm not really sure how that worked out. I was pissed, I'll tell you that much.

So, I went to see Mark again, and he showed me this comic called Most Fruitful Yuki, about a pregnant superhero. Once again, you gotta check it out.

Well, Mark and me started dancing, just to have fun. It was pretty wizard, until Mark told me that he was leaving Vanessa. I tried telling him that it was a really bogus idea, but he didn't change his mind. When I left, I was just about to cry. I never cried before, except for like two days after Coyote Ugly decided to skip town. Guess carrying you around messed with my emotions more than PMS.

After talking to Dad, I realized something important- I was in love with your dad- Paulie Bleeker. I wrote a note for Vanessa, telling her that I was still up for giving you to her, if she wanted, then I bought like two million cases of orange tic-tacs and stuffed them in Paulie's mailbox. He met me at school and I told him all about how whenever I thought about him, you kicked me super hard. Apparently he thought it was super unbelievable, so I made him feel you. By the look of his face, he must've thought it was pretty damn cool. It really was a nice tender moment. Of course, he had to ruin it by asking if we could make-out. And, we did, of course.

Don't vomit on this letter cause you imagine your mom and dad making-out, it's not like we were like thirty-year-old transexuals who wanted to see if our new junk worked. We just finally found out that we loved each other. I guess I can sort of thank you for that, kid. I mean, people usually fall in love, then reproduce, but in this case, the product of our reproduction, i.e. you, is sort of what brought us together.

Like a month later, I actually had you. And let me tell you, if I ever have another kid, I'll put the thing on a diet, cause pushing you out hurt like hell. I saw you, for like five minutes while they cleaned you up. You were beautiful. No matter how corny that sounds, it was the truth.

But, since I decided on a closed adoption, I didn't get to see you after that. Now, I'm kind of regretting the decision. I mean, I wouldn't have kept you, I knew that for sure. But, I wish I had taken Vanessa's offer of an open adoption, so I could see pictures of you and all that crap. Be like an aunt or something, that comes by to visit on your birthday or Christmas. But, I was retarded and instantly decided I wanted nothing to do with you once you were out.

Well, I guess all I'm trying to say is, thanks kid, and if you ever see a chick walking around with dark brown hair with a guitar strapped to her back, that's me. I'm your mom, but you can call me Juno.

Disclaimer: I don't own Juno, except for a copy of the DVD bought from the local BJ's store. This amazing work of art was created by a wicked cool devil woman named Diablo Cody.