Leaving It All Behind

Today I'm graduating from high school, closing one chapter in my life and beginning another. It seems like I've been waiting for this day for so long, and now that it's finally here, I didn't really know what to think or how to feel. I spent my high school years studying constantly, making sure I had a GPA that would get me into a good college, get me out of Tree Hill. Even I don't truly understand my intense desire to be far away from Tree Hill. My life growing up here definitely wasn't horrible, but it was plain, simple, and I've yearned for more. There is only one thing that I'm terrified to leave, not my family or the familiarity of a town I've lived in my whole life, but Lucas. My best friend, my confidant, the only person on the planet I trust completely… and he's staying here. The thought of living a life away from him paralyzes me with fear.

As I stand in front of the plain, wooden mirror in my ordinary bedroom, staring at myself, I begin to cry. So many times I'd imagined this day, imagined the freedom I would feel, not once had I thought I would feel sad or scared... or alone. But I do. I'm scared to leave the one person that knows me and loves me anyway, and I'm terrified of going to a college miles and miles away and being all alone. I shake my head, trying to rid myself of such thoughts, when I hear I soft knock on my door. I turn to see Luke standing in my doorway and I only cry harder.

"Hales?" He's instantly by my side, like he always is, placing a comforting hand on my back. "I'm just… I-" I stop unable to form a coherent sentence, instead looking into his warm blue eyes sadly. I'm just so sad, and I really have no idea what to do with that.

"Hey... what's going on? This is the day you've been waiting for, Hales." His voice is gentle and slightly confused, and I simply nod at his words. He's right, I know he is. I've been talking about this day for as long as I can remember.

"Yeah, I know. I'm just feeling kind of sad..." My voice trails off as my eyes fall on a picture on my desk of Lucas and me. We were probably about five years old, playing on the swings at the playground - the only playground in Tree Hill.

"You're kidding, right?" Lucas seems shocked by my sadness and slightly unbelieving, until he sees my brown eyes fill with unshed tears. "Haley, I don't get it. This is all you've ever wanted, all you've ever dreamed of. You deserve this, Hales. You don't belong at the Tree Hill Community College."

I smile at his words, knowing without question, he means them. I sigh softly, sitting on the edge of my bed. My eyes fall to the graduation gown I'm wearing, and a sick feeling washes over me once again.

"It's still what I want, I just…" I trail off yet again, still unsure of how to verbalize what I'm feeling right now before running my hands through my auburn hair in frustration. Lucas drops down on my bed beside me, and it feels so familiar - so safe - which only saddens me more.

"You just, what?" He asks softly, brushing a stray strand of hair behind my ear and away from my face. I lower my head in devastation and he looks at me kindly, waiting for my response.

"How am I going to leave you...?" My voice comes out a broken whisper, and as soon as the words leave my lips, I bring my hand over my mouth, the words feeling so wrong as they pass through my lips. Saying them aloud made them real, and it hurts - so much. I look over to meet Lucas' eyes, and notice the sadness lingering in his own blue eyes. He attempts to hide it from me, though, wanting to make me feel better - make me believe things would be okay, but I had already seen the look on his face, and it said everything. Things would change, nothing would ever be the same, and I felt my heart break just a little bit more.

"Come on, Hales. We'll always be best friends. We'll talk on the phone, visit..." But his words only leave me feeling even emptier than before. I know him, I've known him for the greater part of my life, and I know his words are meant not only to convince me, but himself as well. He doesn't really believe that things will ever be the same, either. This coming from Lucas, the most optimistic and person I'd ever known – the dreamer.

"Yeah… Yeah, I know." I don't have the courage to admit the truth aloud or to tell him that I can see through his façade, though surely he realizes that I have.

Deep down, inside my heart, in my gut, I know that if I don't pretend everything is going to be okay, I won't be able to get on a plane and leave him behind. So, instead, we just sit in silence, both of us pretending. And for the first time in my life, it isn't a comfortable silence… and that could very possibly be the most devastating realization of all.

I graduated later that day. I gave my Valedictorian speech, threw my hat into the air, and plastered a smile on my face as I greeted my family after the ceremony. A guy, Tim Smith, approached me to invite me to a "killer party," but without hesitation I politely turned him down, as I had done countless times throughout high school.

Lucas makes his way over to me with Karen by his side, and I attempt to smile genuinely at them both, but I know the smile doesn't reach my eyes... and Lucas knows it, too.

"Congratulations, Haley," Karen enthuses, and I nod politely before bringing her into a small hug. I would miss Karen, too, almost as much as I'll miss Lucas. She had always been there for me, without question. I'd cried to her about my parents always being gone, and she'd been there, telling me that I would never be alone. I'd believed her, but I didn't anymore. I would be without both of them when I left and they were the only people that really mattered to me at all. I feel my eyes begin to water for what seems like the millionth time today, and I know that I need to get out of here before I completely fall apart.

"Well, I should go. I'm sure my parents are wondering where I am." Yeah, right. They'd probably left the school already, back to ignoring my existence all together, or planning their next trip. Both Lucas and Karen look at me oddly, knowing the truth as well, but neither call me on it, so I simply turn and walk away.

I spend the rest of the day packing, thinking that if I can just get it over with, it'll be easier. Now, as I sit on my bed, looking at my bare room, I realize I couldn't have been more wrong. I'd cried the entire time, finding things I'd completely forgotten about, like the teddy bear Lucas had gotten me when I'd broken my arm playing and had to go to the hospital. He'd been the only one that knew I was terrified of hospitals, ever since my cousin had died in one when I was six.

I replayed the day's events in my head, suddenly thinking about the guy who had invited me to a party. I recognized him as Tim Smith, who I knew only as the guy who had grabbed my ass sophomore year in the lunch line. He definitely wasn't someone I would normally choose to be around, but sitting here completely miserable obviously wasn't getting me anywhere. So, I decided that maybe going to one party before everything thing about my life changed wasn't such a ridiculous idea. I would be leaving for UCLA in a few days and I'd never gone to a party in high school – not once – which seemed pretty pathetic even by my own standards.

As I drive toward the party, using the directions on the flyer Tim had given me - he apparently realized I wouldn't know where the party was – I struggle to read his nearly ineligible handwriting. My thoughts drift to Luke for a moment, and I contemplate calling and asking him to meet me there. I know he would only talk me out of going, though. He didn't trust "them." It just wasn't his scene and I knew it wasn't mine, either but what was so wrong with pretending it was just for one night? I couldn't explain the feeling, but there was something telling me to go, to lose myself in the loud music and drunken atmosphere.

I park my car and begin making my way to the enormous beach house, where most all of the big parties occurred. Tim swings open the door just as I'm about to enter and he looks understandably stunned to actually see me standing in front of him.

"Why, Haley James. I'm impressed." He was obviously drunk and I roll my eyes as he openly leers at me.

"The one and only," I reply casually as I push past him and enter the house. It was a gorgeous place, despite the beer bottles and trash scattered throughout it at the moment. I can practically feel Tim smirking from behind me. "Want a drink?" he slurs, and I contemplate the idea for a second before nodding my head 'yes,' surprising both Tim and myself.

"Oh, okay. I'll be back." And then he was gone in search of the keg, as I stood there uncomfortably, unsure of what I was supposed to do. I don't know what the hell I was thinking coming here. I don't know most of the drunken teens around me, and the ones I do know, I don't like. A feeling of panic washes over me and I begin making a mad dash for the door, but Tim's voice stops me in my tracks.

"Hey, where are you going?" I spin around to see Tim and none other than Nathan Scott standing in front of me, his patented smirk on his lips. Nathan Scott definitely fell under the category of people I knew, but didn't like. He was Lucas' half brother and a total ass. I snap my eyes away from Nathan's quickly, instead choosing to focus on Tim.

"Oh, I – nowhere. I wasn't going anywhere." I ramble, and I can see, or rather feel, Nathan staring at me, clearly amused by my presence. Before I can snap at him to stop staring at me, Tim holds out a cup of some sort of alcohol and I accept it with a small smile.

"Thanks." I reply simply, before taking a small sip, nearly gagging at how strong it is. I start to shift uncomfortably, as the three of us remain silent. I fully expect them to walk away, in search of a few skanks who would be willing to make their night complete, but they just continue to stand in front of me.

"Well-" Nathan finally speaks, breaking the silence. "If it isn't Miss Haley James. You know, Tim told me you were here, but I just had to see for myself," he smiles at me, and I assume that this is the "charm" all of the girls at school spoke of so often.

"Well, high school's over. I figured, what the hell, why not end it with a bang."
I realize my bad choice of words too late, as a pleased smirk forms on Nathan's lips. He glances at Tim, and without another word Tim walks away, a silent understanding clearly passing between the two. Nathan brings his full attention back to me, leaning into my personal space before replying, "I would be happy to help you out with that."

I feel my cheeks begin to redden slightly at his words, and from the self-satisfied look on his face, I know that he fully expected that reaction. He expects me to blush and ramble and get all flustered, because that's what girls like Haley James do when Nathan Scott says things like that to them. I was far too stubborn to give him the satisfaction, though. So, instead I walk closer to him so that my lips are only inches from his. By the look in his eyes, I quickly realize that I'm playing with fire.

"Would you, really?" I whisper huskily, before backing away from him completely, and walking across the large room to the bar. I can feel Nathan's eyes on me and admit that it feels good.

I see Tim serving drinks at the bar, and slide onto a stool in front of him. I still think he's a jackass and a total hanger-on, but he hasn't really done anything to me – aside from the incident sophomore year - so I figure there isn't anything wrong with talking to him.

"Hey, there," I smile at him and he seems surprised to see me, but he recovers quickly, smiling back at me. "Where's Nathan?" He asks slightly confused, looking around me for him. "Who knows," I reply flippantly, shrugging my shoulders. "Do you have anything fruity? This stuff is just gross," I reply with a grimace, motioning to the cup of alcohol in my hand.

Tim chuckles before taking the cup from me and drinking it himself. "Sure thing. Give me a minute." I smile gratefully, searching through my purse as my cell phone starts ringing. I finally find it, putting it to my ear with one hand and covering my ear with the other.

"Hello?" I answer, much louder than usual, in an attempt to hear over the booming music. "Hales?" Luke's soothing voice comes through the line, already sounding a little worried. "Where are you? It sounds really loud." I sigh at the sound of his voice, my entire face falling as reality comes crashing over me once more. I'm leaving, he's staying, and life just sucked.

"Oh, I - it's just the TV. You know how deaf my Dad is." I offer lamely, but was grateful to hear Lucas chuckle on the other end. "Yeah, I definitely do. So, I was thinking maybe we could hang out?" He sounds so... hopeful, and the urge to cry builds within me more and more.

"Um, not tonight, Luke. I think I'm just going to hang around the house, pack and what not." And there it is. The first time I'd ever lied to him. I feel sick. "Oh… well, okay then. Tomorrow, maybe?" He just sounds so sad, so lost, as I'm sure I probably do to him and I just want to go to him and watch old movies like we always have. That would make me remember, though, and I only want to forget.

"Yeah, of course," I respond immediately, the tone of my voice sounding false to my own ears. There is a pause on the other end and my heart pounds in my chest, waiting for him to call me it but it never comes. Instead, he responds with a simple, nonetheless heartbreaking, "Okay, Hales. I love you." I feel involuntary tears form in my eyes and I blink rapidly, willing them away, before whispering, "Love you, too."

"Here you go!" Tim hands me a drink with a big grin, but it falters when he sees that I'm upset. I take the drink, mumbling a weak 'thanks,' before looking down again sadly. "Hey, are you - I mean… are you okay?" He almost seems embarrassed showing any sort of concern for me, and I can't help but smile.

"Yeah, I'm okay... thanks, though." We share a smile, and I glance away, seeing Nathan approaching us with what looks like a jealous look on his face. He sits beside me, but ignores me completely, as he openly glares at Tim. Tim backs away from me immediately, sending me one last smile before sauntering over to the other end of the bar.

Nathan nods in approval before turning back to me with a smirk. "Hello, again," he greets me, his voice husky and a cocky smile adorning his full lips. I smile at him politely, unable to be rude to anyone, not even him.

"Hi. So, this is your party, huh?" I roll my eyes at my lame attempt at small talk, but I just had to say something. The way Nathan's eyes were roaming over my body was quite unnerving. He chuckles at my words and simply nods, before grabbing my hand. "Come with me…"

Whoa, red light. I try to ask him where he's taking me, but when I feel his strong hands on my waist, I seem to forget my own name. Before I know it, we're in one of the many bedrooms of the beach house. He pushes me against the closed door, his body pressing against my own, and I look up at him slightly panicked.

His hand reaches out to brush against my cheek and I find myself leaning into his touch. Suddenly, he's all over me. His lips begin pressing hot open-mouthed kisses along my neck as his hand slides down my body, grasping my hip to pull me even closer to him. I don't know what's possessed me but all I know is that it feels good. It's the same feeling that came over me as I walked away from him earlier in the night.

I feel like I'm on fire and I don't want him to stop. I never want this feeling to go away, because then I'll be left with nothing but emptiness. I pull his head away from my neck and smash his lips to my own in a passionate kiss. His tongue plunges into my mouth almost instantly and I moan into his mouth.

"I want you," he whispers huskily into my ear, before running his tongue over my lobe and nipping at it playfully. I pull away from him abruptly, looking into his deep blue eyes, suddenly finding myself wondering exactly how many girls he's said that to. I discover just as quickly that I just don't care – not enough to stop him, stop this.

I pull him back to me and begin kissing him again as he guides my small leg around his waist, hoisting my body onto the door behind me. Our clothes are coming off at a rapid pace and I feel like I can't breathe. He walks over to the bed and drops me onto it, his body falling on top of mine before I am able to catch my breath.

"This is crazy…" I mumble softly, as he places frantic kisses along my bare stomach. He simply smiles at me when our eyes lock and I'm able to forget, if only for a moment.