Aurora's Lament, a battlestar galactica: 2003 fanfic

Title: Aurora's Lament

Author: riane

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: 4.06 'Faith'.

Summary: Here's a futurefic, AU on Earth. Kara/Leoben (surprise, surprise). 6,300 words. On a more special note, this fic is dedicated to everyone touched by mental illness, whether it be the individuals themselves, their family or friends. Special thanks goes to my beautiful and brilliant betas, lunar47 and mnemosyne.

So it finally ends/begins.

New page, new chapter, new planet. New alliance. Human and cylon, living side-by-side.

Kara Thrace did lead them to Earth.

The first few months were rocky. Civil war, unresolved conflict, ongoing human/cylon tension. But after a while, the feel of sunshine on skin and saltwater on toes is enough to make even the toughest admiral/cylon weep.

And weep he does.

Kara stands on the edge of a cliff top and smiles, looking over the horizon. Arcs of sunshine illuminate a future that can only get brighter.

'You've done well, Kara.' She turns around and smiles at her companion. He squints, shading his cool blue eyes against the sunlight.

'You knew I would.'

He nods. 'Yes. I did. I'd seen it.'

'Do you see what happens next?' She comes close to him now, standing on tip toes, fingertips dangerously close to his lips.

He answers the question for her. No words needed.

Not surprisingly, he chooses to live away from the other cylons; even his other copies. Especially his other copies, she smirks.

First, he picks a beautiful spot in the woods.

'Have you ever built a cabin?' she asks.

He smiles. 'That's irrelevant. I've seen that too.'

'How is Lee?'

She shrugs, sipping on her morning coffee, skimming through the newspaper.

'Good. We spoke a week ago. He's running for office. Rumour has it that he'll make President.'

He nods approvingly. She arches an eyebrow. 'Will he?'

Smiling that inscrutable smile, he mutters something about not giving everything away.

'What don't you see?' she asks him, as they sip cups of warm tea, looking out at the star-speckled night.

'Plenty,' he says. 'The universe shifts with every breath that we take. Atoms rearrange as we speak. I only catch glimpses of what is to come.'

'Will you tell me what I need to know?'

He smiles. 'Haven't I always?'

He is careful not to ask her about Sam. She knows this. Sam is still an open wound that will take some time to heal.

She couldn't have lead everyone to Earth without Sam's unconditional love and loyalty, but when they set foot on blessed soil (which reminded her so much of New Caprica) she knew that their marriage couldn't carry on.

People change.

'It's Leoben, isn't it?' he had fumed, over the months of their increasing estrangement.

'No, it's not, Sam,' she would say. 'I'm not having an affair with him. I haven't even seen him since we landed on Earth! This is between you and me.'

'But I love you,' he would say despairingly, 'isn't that enough to want to be with you forever?'

No, she would scream inwardly, not when I've died and returned and hear the unsung music of the cosmos and still dream of things you can't even imagine and suddenly I'm faced with a lifetime of playing house with the wrong man- and sure I haven't met Leoben for coffee but I dream of him every night…every night…every night…

'It's hard to explain,' she would say lamely.

He would look so heartbroken, she would melt in his arms again and the cycle would continue.

Until the day Sam packed up his stuff, left her, and didn't look back.

He didn't leave her a note, didn't say goodbye. She noticed he was gone when she came back from grocery shopping and it slowly dawned upon her that all his stuff was missing: his clothes, shoes, trophies – everything. Even their photos. It was like he never even existed.

It was both the smartest and most painful thing he could have done to end their marriage. Deny them the grace of a good closure – the only thing that finally drove them apart.

The finalized divorced papers showed up in their – no – her mailbox two weeks later. She signed them without a fuss. She hesitated, but quickly wrote a note and slipped it in with the paperwork before posting it back.

Dear Sam,

I'm sorry that things had to end this way. You were good to me. You were a good husband. I wasn't much of a wife. Thanks for all the good times.

Love,

Kara

To her mixed relief and sadness, he posted back a reply.

Dear Kara,

I think I understand now, why we couldn't be together. You're special Kara. I can't give you what you need. I hope Leoben will.

Love always,

Sam

She cried herself to sleep that night, and for many nights afterwards, until one day, Leoben showed up at her door and told her that he'd seen this happen too.

First she slapped him, then she swore at him, then she asked him what took you so long?

He knew then, to never mention Sam. This was still their apartment, their home.

Yet she would bring him up from time to time, at the strangest moments.

'Do you want to know why things changed?' she asked him while he was helping her do the laundry, 'Between me and Sam?'

He would nod carefully – very carefully. She would talk in snippets. So far, there was nothing new to her story. Nothing he hadn't already known. Sam's love for her was indisputable – as clear as day, and he certainly remembered being kicked and punched onboard the Demetrius because of it – but she was too complex for him. She would fondly reminisce about Pyramid games, drinking games, all kinds of games. (Except for mind games, he would think sadly, those were his specialty.)

This time, she became completely silent, frowned, then started speaking again.

'Most of it had to do with coming to Earth. Yeah. That's the first thing. Something changed once I got here. It reminded me a lot of New Caprica, where we first got married.'

New Caprica. He recoiled inwardly and thought he hid it well, until the passing confusion on her face turned into something else completely.

She ran to the bathroom and he heard her throw up.

She had refused to come out of the bathroom and he could hear her sobbing.

'Kara,' he begged, 'Open the door, please.'

Knowing full well that he was the last person she would listen to right now, he backed away and relegated himself to the couch. Pretending to sleep was easy. Seeking penance for what he did to her would not be.

Many hours later, the bathroom door creaked open. He kept completely still.

'I know you're awake,' she said hoarsely. 'And I know that you're sorry for what happened. Or maybe you aren't. I don't want to know. It's just going to take some time. Or maybe I'll never heal enough. I bury things so deeply that when they come out, it hurts to even breathe.'

He knew everything she said better than she did.

That's why he did what he had to do, in that apartment. To make her listen. Understand. To let things unfold, as they did. To get them here. To Earth.

He closed his eyes and said nothing.

What can a man say after the sins of his past have caught up to his present and eviscerated the woman he loves?

The following weeks are, not surprisingly, lonely. Living alone leaves him with his thoughts – bad idea – so he finds a Two to live with in the meantime.

'Girl trouble?' he asks.

He nods. Jealous sighing ensues.

'You always were the lucky one.' The Two sighs again and asks him what she is like, if the stories are true.

'She's Kara,' he says, whispering her name like a prayer. 'Just Kara.'

After a week, he moves out. Bleeding through his pores from grief and longing wasn't helping either of them.

The creepy infatuation of the Two with Kara (his Kara) is just unnerving. Sure, his entire model has an obsession with her, but actual seeing it mirrored in front of him after he had her all to himself is too much to bear.

'So I guess this is it. Good luck, Leoben. Hope she forgives you for what you did to her. God speed.'

He mumbles a thank you and leaves, determined to build that cabin in the woods.

Compelling visions help, when it comes to heartbreak.

The cabin is coming along nicely. Every inch of it is made with her in mind.

Even the calluses on his palms are a testimony to his adoration.

He hopes that she'll be able to see it one day.

She flings herself into her work, trying to blot everything out.

Having had enough of the military to last a lifetime, she had changed fields and took up teaching sports to troubled children. She pushed them to the limits, but they pushed her right back, surprising her with her capacity to love even the biggest misfit. She saw herself reflected back in each defiant glare, stubborn chin and clenched fist.

On especially lonely nights, part of her still longs for Sam, but virtue wins over.

Lee would've been proud.

Sam has his own life now. Last thing she heard, he's seeing a nice girl with a good head on her shoulders.

Good for him. Good for him.

Nothing can take the edge off her longing for Leoben. It's not like the ache she has for Sam that wanes away with time - but more a deep, sorrowful pain that she can't shake off.

So she lives with it. Day by painful day.

And Lee?

She visits the Adamas in their waterside mansion. Cynthia is as polite as always, but has enough sense to keep a wary eye on her. Especially since notorious Ol' Starbuck is within shooting range of Apollo. Ha.

Lee seems happy enough, busy with work, family. His little boy looks achingly like Zak's baby photographs, and not surprisingly, was named Zak. In honour of a man she once loved and almost married.

'I'm so sorry, Kara,' Lee finally exhales, just as her hand is on the doorknob, with Cynthia washing up in the kitchen. 'I'm so sorry about Sam.'

She smiles wanly at him. This isn't about Sam. It never was.

He never did understand.

She's dreaming again.

She knows it's a dream because she's content, for once. Not restless, searching, half-broken and never healed. And she's married to the right man with a beautiful daughter. He's got eyes as blue as the endless azure sky, a smile that puts any metaphor to shame and a voice that reminds her of what peace must be like.

But there are the other dreams.

The dreams that remind her more of what her life was really like, before they found Earth.

She is raw, broken and unhealed. So full of white-hot hate, devoid of any love. The air smells of gunfire, her hands are sticky with blood and she coughs up ash. The war is still raging, and it will never end -

He is on the other side. And all she wants to do is kill him over and over and over again.

All sorts of things would trigger memories. The ones she tries so hard to forget.

Little blond girls with blue eyes. Mothers yelling at daughters. Seeing a Two from a distance.

Even chopsticks. Especially chopsticks.

I-I can't take this.

She shows up at the Agathons', a crying mess.

'Kara?' Helo opens the front door. 'What happened?'

So she tells him. In sobbing snippets. Sam. Earth. Leoben. New Caprica. Kacey. Oh Kacey.

'I know that I should see him – get him to explain, but I'm not ready. Not yet.'

'He's the one who did this to you, Kara!' he groans, gritting his teeth.

Athena, who's sitting beside Helo, reaches out to touch Kara's hand.

'Do you love him, Kara?'

She nods, wiping helplessly at the tears that won't stop.

'Then we're here to help you. It won't be easy, we all know that, but if this is a battle you're willing to fight, then we're here for you. Isn't that right, Helo?'

He shakes his head, exhaling. 'This is crazy, but if this is what you want, Kara, then I'll do what I can.'

Kara sniffs, smiling a little.

'Will you be nice?'

He snorts. 'Now that's pushing it.'

The Agathons. Unlikely allies. Before the Demetrius, Helo and Athena had little sympathy for him, especially after what he did to Kara on New Caprica. But after realizing he was right about the baseship and Kara's destiny, things changed.

Slowly.

He'll always remember the first time Helo spoke to him without throwing him around. He was in the brig, chained up as usual, whispering a prayer.

'Leoben,' he said, sitting across from him, a formidable figure. 'I know that you've been….instrumental in helping us get this far. And we're a few jumps away from Earth. So before we transfer you back to your baseship, I want you to know something.' His voice hardens. 'I've seen the way you look at Kara and – damn it – I've seen the way she looks at you. But I won't forget what you did to her on New Caprica. If you hurt her again, I will kill you myself.'

He had smiled then, tilting his head. 'I love her. Much like you love your wife. Is that so hard to believe?'

He grins now at Helo's furious response. Admittedly, he couldn't help himself, but everything he said was true.

And now, with Kara gone, they're the only tangible link he has left.

He stands outside their front door, closes his eyes, then knocks hesitantly. He hasn't seen the outcome of this meeting.

Come to think of it, he hasn't seen a lot of things lately. He brushes away the chilling thought.

Athena opens the door. 'Leoben?'

'Hello, Athena,' he smiles faintly. 'I hope this isn't a bad time.'

Not surprisingly, Helo comes to the rescue, formidable as always. He stands in the doorway with his arms crossed across his chest, his eyes narrowed.

'So. It's you.'

Athena sighs. 'Relax, Helo. Why don't we invite him in first? Then you can start the cross-examination.'

Leoben smiles gratefully at her, then sits down.

Hera looks at him, smiling shyly. His heart aches. Kacey.

'So what do you have to say for yourself?' Helo asks warily. Much like the protective brother grilling his sister's wayward boyfriend.

Athena looks a little flustered. 'I'm sorry, Leoben. It's just that Kara was just here yesterday, and...'

Kara-

'She was here?' he whispers hoarsely.

'Yes, she was. She loves you, there's no doubting that,' Helo sighs, 'even though it's killing her.'

'I need to speak to her. I need her to understand. I'll do anything to make it up to her. Please.'

Trembling, he scribbles an address and places the note on the table. 'If she asks for me…'

To his surprise, Helo's the one who takes the note.

'I'm doing this for Kara,' he says quietly.

'Thank you,' he whispers.

He steps out into the cool breeze of the night, looking heavenwards, dampness on his cheeks.

For once, he could not see where this would end.

Caprica sits with him in his cabin, a warm mug of coffee in her hands. Moonlight streams through the window. They sit in front of the fireplace.

'Your new home is very beautiful,' she comments. 'But it's missing something.' She pauses, then her eyes soften. 'Has she seen it, Leoben? Has she been here?'

'No,' he says softly. 'I made this for her. This cabin was the last vision I've had. Ever since I've put in the last slab of wood, the last nail, painted the last wall….nothing. I sleep and see nothing. I wake and see nothing. Is this what the rest of humanity is like? How can this be? How can they stand it?'

Caprica gently places her hand on his. 'Patience, Leoben. You always were the most steadfast out of all of us. She will come when she is ready.'

She hums an old cylon lullaby, soothing him till sleep claims him.

And as usual, it all begins with the grocery shopping.

She goes into the convenience store close to her apartment to grab some milk and eggs. Waits in line. Hums something to stave off the boredom. The man in front of her turns around to smile and she almost drops her shopping basket.

'Don't worry,' he says, 'I'm just another Two. Not yours.'

'Oh,' is the best she can muster.

'He did live with me for a week though, before going on to get his own place. Something about building a cabin.'

The cashier (an Eight with the name-tag 'Karen') gives a polite cough, and the Two apologizes for the interruption, puts his groceries through and then waits patiently outside the store until Kara's done.

'How is he?' she asks, shielding her eyes against the bright sun.

He gives a small grimace. 'Not so good. He misses you a lot.'

She closes her eyes. 'It's not that simple.'

'I know.'

'Well,' he says shyly, 'If you like, we can talk about it over lunch.'

She smiles at the absurdity of the situation. 'Thank you, but I don't think that's particularly wise.'

He looks crestfallen. 'Nonetheless. It's been a pleasure meeting you, Kara Thrace. I hope that our paths may cross again. And that you'll be able to forgive Leoben one day. His love for you is true. What happens to one copy happens to all, so I know that for a fact.'

With that, he nods politely and goes about his way.

When she reaches home and puts away the milk and eggs, she wonders if that was all a hallucination.

I think I'm losing my mind.

Naturally, she knows who to ask.

'Helo,' she whispers over the phone, 'where can I find him?'

She can almost sense the palpable relief on the other side. A scribbled note, a hurried thank you, and she's on her way.

Just when he's considering voluntarily boxing himself, he hears a knock on the door.

Strange. Not many visitors out here.

He opens the door and it's her.

The only thing keeping him from falling to his knees and kissing her feet is total and utter shock.

'Kara-,' he whispers. Maelstroms emerge from behind his eyes and finally, he can see again.

The first few weeks of her stay are spent in near silence.

Sometimes she asks him where he is going, other times she looks right through him, as though he's not even there.

One of the stranger things she asked was if he had lived with another Two, before the cabin. He slowly said yes, and asked her how she knew.

She shrugged and replied, 'Just curious.' (He has a dream later that night about her bumping into the other Two at the convenience store and how he so brazenly invited her for lunch! Unbelievable.)

There's something in her eyes which even he can't decipher.

Sometimes she's so lost in thought that she forgets to eat. He is gentle with her – she recoils at his touch, much to his despair – coaxing her to eat at least a little every day. Sometimes she listens, other times she spills the food all over his shirt. Smashes plates into the solid timber floor.

But he is patient, as always. She is here now, which is the only thing that matters.

He sleeps fitfully, dreaming of blood dripping from his hands and impossible penance.

The heartache in his blue, blue eyes should make her weep, and perhaps once it did. She can't remember anymore.

Something inside her snapped when she found Earth, when she became Aurora and brought a new dawn to both human and cylon.

But after the blaze of celebration and incandescent hope, she lost herself.

He stands at the window as he does, every night, staring out at the stars. For so long, his people had been suspended in space, in their living ships. Caressing the cosmos.

Now that the earth beneath his feet is more solid than ever, he's never felt more lost.

He spins around at the sound of her voice.

She is sitting on the armchair beside his bed.

'When I found Earth,' she says softly, 'it was like an epiphany. Do you remember that day?'

'Yes.'

How could he forget? At her insistence, he was transferred onboard Galactica during their final jump to Earth. He was there. Beside her. When that beautiful, beautiful blue planet with white clouds sprang into view – she had reached out for his hand, tears swimming in her eyes.

When they landed on Earth, the last he saw of her was of Sam whirling her around in joyous celebration.

Until he showed up at her apartment many months later.

Her voice drops. 'But everything changed, after that. I couldn't go back to becoming Kara. I wasn't Starbuck anymore. I was Aurora. I brought the new dawn. Sure, I had helped to lead our people to Earth, but we had landed. What then? I had lost my purpose. For so long, it was drummed into me, first by my mother and then you and then the others – I was special, I had a destiny. Now I've fulfilled it, what then?'

He is silent. Can't you see Kara? You'll always be special. You're my destiny.

Her voice hardens.

'Why did you lock me up on New Caprica? Lie to me about Kacey?'

He feels an icy stab deep within his gut. It doesn't take an oracle to see this one coming. He doesn't have a good enough answer, but tries anyway.

'Because I wanted you to love me. And to listen to what I had to say. Because in between all the lies, there was still truth, and I didn't know any other way. You were so stubborn. You hated me so much without even giving me a chance. There were things I had to tell you, things that you needed to hear.'

He closes his eyes. 'I know that what I did to you was…heinous, at best. But have you ever asked yourself, Kara, about what you did to me?'

He walks out of the room because his heart is just about breaking now, and Kara knows how to wound him better than anyone else in the universe.

The next morning, he searches the entire cabin and the woods around it.

She's gone.

He finally finds a note on the kitchen table.

Leoben,

I'm sorry I had to leave this way. There are things I need to do before I can be with you. I promise I'll be back. I know that much. Speak to Helo. He'll help you understand.

Kara

'Helo,' she says, her head in her hands, 'I need to see a psychiatrist.'

He grins. 'I'd never thought you'd ask. I've got the number right here, waiting for you.'

She rolls her eyes.

'Dr Cassandra Lee. She's one of the best. Make an appointment with her before you change your mind. Do you want me or Athena to come with you?'

'Damn it, Helo,' she laughs nervously, 'It's not like I'm a kid, I'll be perfectly okay.'

He shrugs. 'If you say so. Good luck with it. Let me know how it goes.'

She arrives twenty minutes early and just sits there.

Big mistake.

She looks at everyone in the waiting room and wonders how frakked up their lives are. Imaginary scenarios of abusive parents, partners, great destinies and fake children run riot in her mind.

When it's finally her turn, she's shaking so hard in her seat she's afraid she might pass out. Dr. Lee greets her in the waiting room and invites her in.

'Kara?' she smiles, gesturing to her office.

Her jaw drops.

'You're my shrink?' she blurts in front of about twenty other people. Dr. Lee blinks, smiles indulgently, then gently takes her by the arm, leads her to the office, gestures to the chair and shuts the door.

'Yes, Kara, I'm your shrink.' She sits down across from her.

'But you're a Six!'

Another smile, 'All the better, don't you think? You can call me Cassandra. How can I help you?'

Still in shock, she counts the ways she'll get back at Helo.

'Don't blame him,' Cassandra says gently, 'Karl was afraid that if he told you I was a cylon, you might not come.'

Grudgingly, Kara settles into her chair. 'I suppose you know exactly why I'm here then, since you've so easily read my mind?'

Cassandra chuckles, 'Come now, Kara. Cylon psychiatrists don't read minds, no more than human ones do. We're just better at listening.'

She grunts. 'Well it's glaringly obvious that I have problems.'

'What kind?'

'The typical kind.' She's getting angry now, and she doesn't know why. 'My mother beat me up when I was a kid. I got into flight school and was the best natural pilot they'd ever seen but the worst at taking orders. I used to get drunk and laid a lot just for the hell of it, pull the most insane stunts in my Viper and didn't care if I died in the process.'

Cassandra nods patiently.

'What are things like now, Kara? Here, on Earth?'

The anger evaporates from her voice. Like steam.

'Now it's just…I don't know who I am. What I stand for.'

'How has this affected your personal life?'

Kara sighs. 'I couldn't stay married to my husband. He reminded me too much of the old Kara, who was hell-bent on getting us to Earth. Once I got here, I became different.' She looks away. 'And I kept thinking of someone else. Someone I cared about. Someone – someone I still care about.'

Cassandra nods encouragingly. 'Go on Kara. I'm here to help you.'

Kara rolls her eyes. 'I think you know who I'm talking about.'

Cassandra smiles, shaking her head, 'Having a client with such notoriety from both the perspective of the human and cylon does make my job significantly easier, yes. But the whole point of this exercise is for you to explore your feelings, Kara. So, tell me about this mystery man who plagued your thoughts throughout your marriage.'

Kara grins. Helo's right. This could work.

'Well, his name's Leoben. Sound familiar? Thought so. Manipulative guy with the nice eyes and great smile? That's my boy.' She's joking but has to blink back tears. 'Kept going on and on about how I was special, had a destiny, would lead us all to Earth. I wouldn't listen; got one copy of him beat up in an interrogation cell then flushed out an airlock. Then another copy kidnaps me and locks me up in New Caprica.' She's crying openly now. 'Four months. Four long, long months. I kept killing him, but he kept coming back. I hated him so much. And when I stopped hating him, it was only because I thought we had a child together – Kacey. He lied to me – she wasn't our daughter. She wasn't my daughter. It felt like my heart got ripped out when Kacey's real mother took her back. He knew, damn it, he knew that the only way I would soften was through Kacey. He knew.'

'I'm so sorry, Kara.'

She rushes on, unleashing her grief. 'I kept dreaming of him and mandalas and throwing paint and making love. But then I saw him on Caprica, with my mother. I think it was in my head– I'm not sure, I must have been unconscious…he helped me – he helped me say goodbye to my mother. Except it wasn't Leoben. That was when I woke up in my Viper and saw Earth. And then I saw him again in his heavy raider, after his basestar got attacked. He was the only one who believed me. He helped to lead me to his basestar when my own crew thought I was insane. But I don't even know if he was the same Leoben who played those mind games with me on New Caprica.'

'Would it make a difference?'

Kara blinks. 'What did you say?'

'Would it make a difference, if the same copy whom you love now, was the same one who wounded you on New Caprica?'

'Of course it would make a difference! If it wasn't the one, then he wasn't the one who hurt me. It was someone else. Then……then I could live with that.'

'But he would look the same. Act the same. Have the same essential personality. Have all the memories you shared with him. Good and bad.' Her voice softens. 'Kara, cylons have a collective consciousness. What happens to one is absorbed by all.'

Oh. Right.

'Why don't you bring him in for our next session?'

She stares at her serene psychiatrist.

'You've got to be kidding.'

So the counseling begins.

He's as wary as she is, if not more. She grins inwardly. If there's one cylon copy to keep him on his toes, it would be this one.

'Mr. Conoy,' she smiles, 'Welcome. Thank you for joining us today. I'm sure Kara appreciates it.'

'Pleasure to be here,' he looks at her nameplate on the desk, 'Dr. Lee.'

She smiles disarmingly. 'Call me Cassandra.'

'And you can call me Leoben,' he replies, turning up his own charm. 'Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

Kara rolls her eyes. Two-on-Six flirtation is the last thing she needs right now.

Cassandra smiles coolly at him before clearing her throat.

'Leoben, Kara has a lot of unresolved issues as far as your treatment of her on New Caprica is concerned.'

All the mirth dissolves from his eyes. He turns to face her and then looks away stricken.

'Yes – I'm aware of that. And I have an enormous amount of remorse for what happened. I did what I felt was necessary but….in hindsight, I underestimated the hurt it would cause her.'

Cassandra leans closer. 'Why did you feel it was necessary?'

His voice softens. 'For her to understand. That she was special. That I loved her. That I needed her, more than life itself. That I was willing to die for her. And that perhaps one day, we could have a child together. I knew it was cruel to use Kacey and to deceive Kara, but that was - and is - how much I want to be the father of her child.'

Kara blinks back inexplicable tears.

'Did it ever occur to you to use more…traditional methods of courtship?' Cassandra continues. Kara finds this question darkly amusing.

Leoben scoffs. 'Do you think I enjoyed being killed and then resurrected six times? Your copy and the others knew the pain I had to go through. All of you tried to talk me out of it. I had no other choice. I loved her so desperately, yet she hated me with equal ferocity. She couldn't see me for the man I was. She blamed me, the man living in the apartment with her, for the extermination of her race. I was the enemy, no matter what I did. But I loved her then, I love her now. So I did what I had to do, to win her over.'

What makes me worthy of such love?

He's trembling. And so is she.

'And did you, Leoben?' Cassandra asks, 'Did you win her over?'

He sits back in his chair, laughing sadly. 'No. But I have memories of her. When she held my hand in the hospital. When she told me she loved me. When we kissed for the first time. I have those.'

Cassandra tilts her head. 'So you allowed yourself to be killed six times for her to hold your hand and kiss you once?'

He chuckles. 'Now you're making fun of me. But yes, if you put it that way, that's exactly what happened.'

'Was it worth it?'

'Yes.' The conviction in his voice makes her want to cry.

'Would you do it again?'

'Yes.' Infinite sadness, this time. 'Yes, I would.'

'What did you do with these memories?'

He closes his eyes, smiling. 'Project with them, of course. When I'm not with her. Which was the vast majority of my time. The touch of her hand on mine. The sound of her voice, the look in her eyes when she said she loved me. The feel of her lips on mine. Everything went into storage; safekeeping. I would never forget. I could never forget. I knew that she hated me then and maybe part of her always will, but I needed something to hold on to. Anything.' He shrugged helplessly. 'I loved her.'

That's it.

She comes undone. Tears flood her eyes, quiet sobs rack her body.

'Kara?' He turns to her in an instant, wide-eyed with concern. 'Kara I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you- I knew this was a bad idea – I'm sorry, I'm sorry-'

She smiles up at him through her tears, squeezing his trembling hand.

Dr. Cassandra Lee smiles. 'Shall we make another appointment?'

'Post traumatic stress,' she says quietly. 'That explains a lot of the dreams. Flashbacks. Unfounded fear. It'll take a while, Leoben, for me to work through everything.'

'There's no rush,' he says softly, 'I'm not going anywhere.'

Cassandra is astute, as always.

'What if I don't find a new purpose?' Kara asks despairingly. 'I'm no longer that Kara Thrace with her special destiny. I used to laugh at it, but now that's gone….I don't know what to do with myself anymore. It's a bit hard to top being the one to lead her people to Earth. It feels like I'm not special anymore.'

'You're special to Leoben, Kara,' she smiles, making the indomitable Kara Thrace redden, 'and to your friends.'

'I don't know if that's good enough,' she mumbles, slightly ashamed.

'You say this because you find it so hard to grasp your own worth. Kara, you need to start believing in your merit. You're already special. You don't need affirmation from oracles, Leoben, or the people of Earth to make you feel valuable. Consider that a bonus. Yes, you're Earth's biggest celebrity, but most importantly…you're valuable as you are.'

'Even if I didn't find Earth and by default, not provide you with this great office space?' she half-jokes.

Cassandra chuckles. 'Even if you didn't. You're inherently valuable, Kara. As am I. As is every living creature in this universe. We're all part of something greater than us. We all play a role, and each of us is important. Value yourself, Kara. Value yourself.'

'How?'

'Be kind to yourself,' Cassandra says gently. 'Accept your past. Accept your strengths and your weaknesses. We all have them. And we've all made mistakes. Your gift to our people is a new beginning. Your gift to yourself is forgiveness. And permission to live and love.'

'The war is over, Kara. The only battle you have left is within yourself.'

Leoben waits outside the waiting room. Red-eyes as usual, she doesn't protest when he gently takes her by the hand and walks her out.

'Everything okay?'

She nods blearily. 'Yeah. She sure knows how to make a point.'

Concern flickers in his eyes.

'Nothing to worry about. I'll be okay.'

They walk a bit further in companionable silence. She'll never, ever be bored of the summers here.

'I'm glad you took the day off from work,' he says, pulling her closer, breathing in the scent of her hair.

'Me too.'

'Ice cream?' he asks. She grins.

He stops at the street-side vendor (who stares at her then excitedly asks for her autograph), picks two scoops of boysenberry (her favourite, on the house), then looks on in amusement as she scribbles her signature on a napkin for her latest fan.

'I think he likes you,' he says wryly, as they walk away, his arm tightening around her waist.

'Jealous?'

He shrugs. 'Maybe.'

'He is cute,' she teases.

'Oh, really?' A glint of a smile, a quick side-step – too fast for her –

'Hey! Give that back.'

'Oh no, not yet,' he chuckles, shaking his head. 'Not that easily.'

She laughs then pushes him up against a lamp post, nipping lightly at his lips. He strains against her teasing mouth, but she won't let him get any closer.

'Can I have it back now?' she whispers into his ear.

Gasping, he gives in. She licks it with slow deliberation, keeping her eyes on him, grinning.

'Kara,' he whispers, and after much contemplation, he gets a longer kiss that tastes of boysenberry and a promise of something else.

'Are you sure?' he asks, in between their increasingly frantic kisses.

'Yes,' she gasps. She pulls him closer. 'Yes.'

Do you remember Kara, all the times when everything was meaningless, a temporary means to an illusory end? All the ambrosia and empty affairs?

This is different.

'I'm sorry – sorry –' he pants, gasping, damp with love, tears, sweat -'Kara – for everything, I love you – I love you- '

'I forgive you,' she whispers, resting her forehead against his, sealing his penance.

She wakes to the sound of birds chirping, the rustle of leaves and the feel of his solid, warm arm wrapped round her waist.

'Good morning, Kara,' he whispers, kissing her shoulder. She smiles.

He helps her move her belongings from her old apartment to their cabin.

Months pass.

'I love you,' she says softly, as they watch the sunset. 'I thought I'd let you know. I'm okay with telling you that now. I'm…okay with me.'

He smiles, and whispers something into her ear that makes her laugh and then cry.

'How do you know?'

He nods, kissing her softly on her forehead. 'I've seen it. She's beautiful, Kara. So beautiful. That's who Aurora really is.'

He gently places his hand on her stomach, humming an old cylon lullaby.

THE END