Memo: THIS is the finale. This is it, There's A Girl At St. Bartleby's is finally over. Four years my friends, four years! Thank you everyone for being incredibly patient with me. Especially undaunted scholar, my beta. She's pretty much wonderful. My fans are the best, most intelligent, most attractive, most enthuastic group of people on the face of the earth. There will be a sequel (Bringing Back Technicolor) check my homepage for updates.

Just a refresher:

melted=very tired

Disclaimer: I do not, and never have, owned Artemis Fowl. Damn is that a shame.

The prospect of winter break loomed over my head like the blade of guillotine, holding my future in its sway. I could go home, take my mother up on her offer, and never come back. Then I'd never have to wake up at night in a cold sweat sure that Aster had escaped and come back to finish the job. No one would make me wear a skirt; hoards of boys wouldn't stare at me all day with ill-concealed lust and yearning. But if I lost that, I'd lose Finn and Jake. There would be no one asking me out every other day, or proposing to me every other Saturday. Alright, I wouldn't miss the proposing all that much. The playful, easy flirting I would miss. The nights planning pranks, being pranked, dying hair, using people as paper, the general sense of carefree naivety, that I would miss. I would miss my friends. I would miss Finn and Jake and Raleigh.

Raleigh, the boy who was currently snoring like a chainsaw in the bed next to me, hugging a well-loved teddy bear to him a death grip. Raleigh, the boy who had, just a mere three days ago, kissed me under the mistletoe. Raleigh, who kept shooting me resigned looks. Raleigh, who I absolutely could not figure out. Raleigh, the boy who may or may not be playing my heartstrings like a worn out musical instrument.

I had told him I needed time to think. Did I ever! Who wouldn't, after getting snogged (two months in Ireland and I was already talking like an Irish person. Boy was Shelby going to have fun with me when I came home.) by their roommate, and then finding out that said roommate had apparently been holding back sexual urges towards my person for awhile. Great. Didn't anyone care about my feelings anymore? Didn't what I wanted factor in to anyone's equation?

Raleigh's kiss had been amazing; that mind-numbing, spine-tingling, heart-flipping kind of amazing that didn't come around every day. But…he was my best friend. Somehow in between the fights and the pranks and the whole girlfriend fiasco, he had managed to become my best friend. If I liked that kiss too much, I'd end up hurting him. After all, I'd have to go home at some point. It wasn't like he was going to drop everything and follow me home. Sure, I was a romantic occasionally, but I'd never been that hopeless. He had a life here. I had two lives, one here in Ireland, and one back in the States. Someday, I was going to have choose which life I wanted. Preferably it would end up being the life in which I didn't end up hurting everyone I knew.

So where did that leave me? My roommate loved me that much was blaringly obvious. And that kiss had been...spectacular, for lack of a better word. But something was missing. Some spark that should be there wasn't. For reasons unknown, something inside of me kept saying, 'girl, you've had better than this.' But I hadn't, and I knew that for sure. The only other boy to kiss me had been Brandon and he certainly had nothing on Raleigh. So why didn't it feel right? Why did it feel like by kissing Raleigh, I was breaking someone else's heart? I mean sure, there was Deidre and all, but I'm pretty sure she was out of the equation seeing as Raleigh had thrown away all their pictures together. Plus, Finn and Jake had seemed oddly victorious lately.

In two days, two short days, I'd be on a plane back to America to celebrate Christmas with my family. In just two short days, I'd have to figure the hardest thing out for myself. I'd have to figure out what I wanted, and exactly how much I wanted it.

I wanted to love him, I wanted to be loved and secure, and have someone to go to when my dreams became nightmares and my fears became reality. Of this much, I was positive. The second part Raleigh would provide. It was the first part, the part where I loved him, that scared me.

Loving people was dangerous. Handing over your heart to someone and trusting them to care for it always seemed foolish, naïve. Brandon had taught me that much. Loving people was blissfully wonderful. Finding out they loved you back was the best high in the world. Love and heartbreak draw a thin line between them, and I had toed it so often lately it was blurred and grey. There was only one thing left to do.

I flicked on the lamp between our beds and Raleigh groaned, shoving a pillow over his head.

"Raleigh?" I asked tentatively.

Raleigh, I'm scared. I think I might love you.

All I got in response was a weird, animalistic mix between a groan and a growl.

Oh, sexy. I should irritate him early in the morning more often.

"Raleigh," My voice was louder as I swung my legs out of bed and began to swing them idly.

Raleigh I don't want to hurt you.

No sex noises this time. Instead he settled on flipping me the bird. What a morning person.

"Listen, if you don't respond I'm going to have to turn on the TV, put in my favorite numb3rs episode, and start talking to Don instead." That ought to work; he hated it when I conversed with fictional TV characters as if they could hear me.

Raleigh I need to talk to you before I go insane.

Satisfied, I watched Raleigh prop himself up on his elbows and force his eyes open to glare at me.

"Whaddchuwann?" he slurred before yawning loudly.

"I want to talk to you," My reply was simple and honest.

My roommate muttered something along the lines of, 'No shit, Sherlock' as he rubbed his eyes. "What time is it?"

Repressing the strong urge to grin I chirped, "About 4:30."

If hadn't been so early he probably would've been killed me.

There was a definite homicidal edge to his voice when he replied. "You woke me up," he said in manner of forced calm. "At four fecking thirty in the morning to fecking talk?"

"No," I bit back sarcastically. "I woke you up at 4:30 in the morning to paint our nails and curl my hair. Yes, I want to talk to you."

Raleigh, please give me a good reason to come back. Raleigh, don't let me leave you.

Another growl. "Fecking hell Kris," he complained. "This better be good, or I'm going to gee-bag you."

Seeing as every other sentence Raleigh uttered in the morning usually contained some sort of death threat, I didn't take him too seriously. At least he was talking to me, because I sure as hell needed to talk to him.

"You kissed me."

Raleigh I think I might love you.

Silence.

Time ticked on slowly, and neither of us moved. Raleigh stared at me unblinkingly and I stared back, refusing to lose this game of emotional chicken. He had kissed me there was nothing for me to be ashamed of. Minus the part where I had pretty much rejected him, pretty much broken his heart in half. My resolve wavered. Would this just hurt him even more? I was messed up enough for the both of us he didn't deserve to be hurt…

Luckily, Raleigh cracked first. "Mistletoe." He forced out stubbornly.

Raleigh I don't want to hurt you.

I shook my head, sliding off my bed to move towards him. I wanted the truth. He was keeping something from me, I could tell. "No, you wanted to. You said so. And I quote: 'I've sorta been dying to do that for a while now' end quote." Two could play the stubborn game.

"And you didn't want me to," his voice came back short and hard as he shifted himself away from me. "End of story. Good night."

As if! He was not getting to get off that easy, I needed to talk to him, dammit. Otherwise I'd be confused forever. Otherwise I might make the wrong choice.

Frustrated, I stamped my bare foot against the floor. "Stop doing that!" I resisted the urge to yell, it was 4:30 in the morning after all.

The mattress creaked as Raleigh rearranged himself again, facing me once more. "Stop doing what Kris?" he asked, clearly irritated.

"Making my decisions for me!" The words burst of me like gunfire and there was no taking them back. "Everyone keeps making decisions for me! My parents decided I wanted to go here, Jake decided I must need him more than anyone else, Ast-" I stopped myself mid-diatribe. He couldn't know about Aster, he shouldn't know about Aster. I'd already slipped up once. Quickly, I corrected myself. "Some freaks decided I must need self-esteem problems and an irrational fear of dark, closed-in spaces, my mother decided I must hate it here and want to come home, my father decided I must need years of therapy, you decided I must not want you kissing me! Stop it! Stop it, already! I am perfectly capable of making my own damn decisions!"

Well that certainly felt therapeutic. Chest heaving and eyes bright, I stared at him ferociously almost daring him to disagree.

Being grumpy must make Raleigh bold or something, because it didn't take him nearly as long to respond as usual. "And the point of that was…?"

"I'm not some pretty little Barbie doll every one can toss around and bend in to whatever pose they want. I've got my own mind, my own feelings, you can't know what I want from you." I said stubbornly defiant. "Did I ever once tell you I didn't want you kissing me? No! I told you I needed time, and I've had time, haven't I?"

Again a thick silence fell between us. Raleigh was holding his breath, and I my chest was still heaving slightly from my outburst.

The silence stretched, smothering me. "I liked kissing you Raleigh," I admitted, and somehow saying it out loud made it true, made it real. I had enjoyed kissing him, I had. Just because the spark had been missing didn't mean I hadn't liked it. More precisely, I liked Raleigh and all the things he made me feel. Raleigh made me feel at home, even when I wasn't. He made me happy he made me laugh. With Raleigh I knew exactly what I was getting: a friend, a friend who could love me in ways that normal friends couldn't. Raleigh could help make me whole again. He could glue me back together and stitch up my torn seams. Raleigh could love me. Raleigh could prove Aster wrong. "But…"

Oh god Raleigh, please don't let me mess this up. My mind kept wandering back to after our kiss, to the awkward stilted silence that had folded. He had something under his breath about a promise he'd made to a git. Raleigh generally tolerated his classmates and peers, who on Earth qualified as a git in his book? It nagged at the back of my logical mind, telling me over and over there was something I was missing. Something potentially important, and it tickled my curiosity.

"But?" Raleigh prompted tersely, more on edge than I'd ever heard him.

"Who's a git?" I asked at last, still very curious.

What sounded suspiciously like laughter bubbled out of Raleigh's mouth, "Of course that's what you'd ask first," he chuckled, voice subtly bitter. "This school is full of gits, Kris. Don't let it bother you, trust me it's not worth it."

Don't let it bother me. Right. Don't be bothered by the fact I could tell he was holding something back. Water under the bridge, wind through my hair. Live and let live. …Trust him. I could trust him. If this continued to move in the direction I thought it was, I needed to trust him. Trusting is what friends did, after all. Trusting is what soon-to-be-maybe-possibly-so-close-to-something-else-it-hurts friends did too.

"Kris," Raleigh begged. "I'm fucking melted, can we…err, carry on in the morning? When I'm sane?"

"You're never sane!" I bantered back playfully, trying to break the mood and distract myself from my thoughts. Any tension that had hovered between us vanished with a breeze. He would let me decide, he'd let me take the wheel and drive. Maybe he'd even let me stop and ask for directions, if I need them.

He snorted, throwing a pillow at my head. "Go to sleep, a chumann, we'll talk in the morning."

Within minutes, Raleigh was out.

I curled myself up in my bed, eyes closed. My mind was too alert to sleep. Winter break still swirled through my thoughts, but now it didn't seem so daunting. Now at least I knew I couldn't leave Ireland behind completely. Not just yet, anyway. There were too many things I would miss. I would miss Finn, and Jake but most of all, I would miss Raleigh. I had realized, at long last, that I couldn't bring myself to leave him. Seattle had managed just fine without me for two months: it could manage six more without imploding.

That decision made, my thoughts returned again and again to Physics class and that peculiar boy, the familiar stranger. He certainly had seemed sincere, whoever he was, but part of me balked at the idea of talking to him again. Dangerous! My mind screamed at me. Stay away! He spoke to me as if we had a history, but claimed we'd never met. If we'd never met, what on Earth was there to fix? Everything about him unsettled me yet drew me closer. And those eyes… how could such a beautiful blue be so intense, and yet so desperately empty? The poor boy practically called out for me to fix him, despite all of his claims that he would fix 'us'. No, I couldn't fix him. It didn't matter that he seemed so familiar to me. How could I fix him when I could barely fix myself? Besides, he certainly appeared to have his own agenda. No, better keep my distance. Keep my distance and don't tell Raleigh. I didn't have to know who the boy was to automatically know that this was the type of boy Raleigh would willingly fillet and leave for the wolves. No boy deserved an angry Raleigh sent after them, even if they were slightly creepy. Better not to think about it, better to leave it be.

For the first time I could remember, Raleigh woke up before me. In fact, by the time I'd finally pried my eyelids open the lights were on and all three of my alarms were blaring. Fumbling around rather pathetically, I managed to hit one or two of them before Raleigh finally noticed me.

"Morning Sleeping Beauty," he said with a yawn as he struggled to straighten his tie. "You slept through all three of those damn alarms," Here he paused to throw my clock, phone, and iPod a dirty look over his shoulder. "You missed breakfast too."

Whimpering, I tried to motivate myself to move out of the fetal position I'd curled into in my sleep. "No coffee?" I whined.

Raleigh snickered at my pain. "What's wrong? You seemed awfully wake not, oh, five hours ago."

Since when was he a morning person? That little jerk probably drank my coffee. No wonder he was so chipper.

"Why didn't you wake me up? There's no time to get coffee now!" I said as I unfurled myself and began the war to remove the liberal pile of blankets keeping me toasty warm.

Raleigh's reply was awkward and quiet. "You…you haven't been getting much sleep lately, I just figured you needed it."

Oh, as if I needed reminding of that embarrassing detail. Ever since Holly had rescued me from Aster, I'd been having nightmares. Horrible nightmares in which no one ever found me there tied to that god-awful bed and Aster never stopped tormenting me. Everything would start off fine, but then the dream would shift and her cunningly dangerous face would appear. Needless to say, Raleigh had gotten quite used to me waking him up with my screams lately. Desperate to think of something else, my brain sidetracked itself. Something he had said last night clicked in the back of my mind, some word I'd never heard before.

"Hey Raleigh, what does a chumann mean?" I asked.

Raleigh froze, suddenly nervous. "It's Gaelic." He said simply.

My curiosity peaked. What Gaelic saying could make him this nervous? Had he cussed at me or something? I thought I knew all the Irish swearwords by now. "What's it Gaelic for?" I prodded successfully detangling myself from the blankets and standing up.

Clearing his throat, the boy suddenly seemed to find his shoes very interesting as he bent down to tie them. Facing away from me, he mumbled something in the direction of the door.

"What was that?" I asked, scrunching up my face as if it would help me to hear.

With a sigh, Raleigh straightened up again. "Sweetheart," he said his voice clear this time. "A chumann is Gaelic for my sweetheart."

Just like that, everything seemed to click in to place. He wasn't scared of me hurting him at all! The only fearful one in this equation was me. He called me his sweetheart. He loved me he loved me enough not to murder me for waking him up at 4:30 in the morning to talk. There wasn't anything for me to be scared about. We could do this. More specifically, I could do this.

Raleigh I might love you. Raleigh I won't hurt you, not in a million years.

It was about time I listened to my heart, really and truly listened. It begged for some damage control and tender loving care, it begged for attention and warmth. I had always been attached to Raleigh, even when I'd rather not be. How simple it would be to make the transition from best friend to boyfriend. How simple it would be to let him into my heart. After all, he already waited at its door. There was nothing to be scared of. Letting him in my heart didn't mean he would break it. Yes, I would eventually have to leave Ireland and go home. But that didn't mean I couldn't enjoy myself while I was here. I had had boyfriends in America, why couldn't I have one in Ireland? When I weighed the possible cons, me hurting him, him hurting me, with the possible pros, him loving me, me loving him, me finding something happy and stable and secure, and the pros won hands down. It was time to listen to my heart for once, find what I want and take it.

Decision made, a warm swooping feeling started in the pit of my stomach and I couldn't resist the urge to smile. I knew what I wanted now, more than , I was Raleigh's sweetheart. Aster was wrong. The warmth crept up through my gut, filling my stomach and chest and making my fingers tingle. It was as if someone had filled me with liquid sunshine. This could work out after all. Raleigh called me his sweetheart, and he was standing there patiently with glue and tape in his hands. He could help fix me he could love me back to life. And I could love him too, if given the time. The boy from Physics and his creepy, intense promises seemed long forgotten and unimportant now. Raleigh could love me back to life, if I gave him the chance.

No more Barbie doll passed from hand to hand. No more little puppet tugged around on iron strings. Take the plunge. Take charge. I had told him to wait. I had strung him along for the past four days. Take charge. Get the scissors and cut the strings, this puppet won't be jerked around anymore.

Still smiling like a lunatic and feeling incredibly warm, I practically skipped my way over to where Raleigh was standing. Standing on my tippy-toes, I turned him around, threw my arms around his neck and kissed him very firmly on the lips.

Raleigh let's make this work.

A little stunned, my roommate barely had time to wrap his arms around my waist before I drew back.

"Say it again," I demanded happily, enjoying the dubious look of barely contained excitement on his face. "Say that word again."

"A chumann," Raleigh complied, leaning down to press his forehead to mine.

"Again," I whispered this time, caught in his hazel eyes.

Holly had hazel eyes. Raleigh and Holly, my two saviors with hazel eyes.

"A chumann," he muttered, a smile capturing his wide mouth. "A chumann."

"Ag-" He covered my lips with his, soft and gentle as he had under the mistletoe. This was home.

"Toss me that sweater, won't you?" I asked, gesturing towards one of the many clothing items lying strewn on the floor.

Today was the day I left for the States and I'd wrangled Raleigh into helping me finish my packing, just one of the many exciting duties of the New Boyfriend.

He complied willingly from his assigned spot in the closet, flinging the sweater at my head. "I don't see why you can't stay another day," he sulked, eyes trained on the back of my head.

Smiling, I shook my head. "If I stay one more day, you'll just convince me to stay for the rest of break."

"Exactly," My boyfriend sounded smug. "Then I'll get to spend even more time with you."

"Raleigh, you live with me." I said pointedly, reaching over and stuffing an extra pair of pajamas in my already overstuffed bag. Boy were the baggage handlers going to love me…

"Immaterial," He insisted, stretching out to pass me the last of my shirts. "Besides, I lived with my friend before, not my girlfriend."

"I am coming back you know," I reminded him for my own benefit. Coming back, that sounded perfect. Why on Earth had I thought about leaving this place forever? Ireland was beautiful.

"In two weeks!" He protested. When he said it in that voice, two weeks sounded like an awfully long time. "Besides, I'd like some time alone with you before Finn and Jake come back and I have to tell my father."

We hadn't told his parents yet; Raleigh said it was too soon. He didn't want his mother to think I was some sort of rebound girl, and he didn't want to give his father time to meet with the school board and find a way to interfere with our relationship. This new, slightly overprotective side of him was rather endearing, in an annoying sort of way.

There were still things to discuss between us, still things I was certain he wasn't telling me. But that could wait. For now I felt perfectly content to sit in our room and exchange playful banter and gentle teases. The heavy subjects, the secrets, those could wait for later.

"You know, they say absence makes the heart grow fonder." I told him, struggling to make my suitcase close all the way. How had I managed to get closed on the way over? Oh right, Dad had done the actual packing of the bag part. He actually folded clothes, I tended to just toss them in.

"Well I will not be growing any fonder of Shaun What's-His-Face, can't you bring that poster with you? He stares at me while I sleep, I swear." Raleigh grumbled.

"DON Eppes is not going anywhere." I said firmly, finally managing to zip my suitcase shut.

"And if he isn't in perfect condition when I come back, I will just have to find more embarrassing things to write on you with pink Sharpie."

He shot me a dirty look before scooting his way over and kissing my cheek. "I'll miss you, you know. Immensely."

I smiled, laying my head on his shoulder, eyes closed. "I know, I'll miss you too."

My plane flew out of Dublin Airport at 3:20 PM. Raleigh and his father drove me there, and Raleigh had pulled me aside as his father checked my bags.

"You'll e-mail?" He'd asked, anxious.

I'd laughed, having already promised to do so once in our dorm, and twice in the car. "Of course I will." I had promised, teasing. "Fourth time's the charm right?"

Scowling, he had bumped me playfully. "Not funny. Hey listen when you get back, I'll take you to see Dublin, yeah? It's pretty in the winter, nice and wet. For our first date."

"It's a date," I had promised stealing a quick kiss while his father was still occupied.

"A date," he had repeated smiling wider than I had ever seen before hugging me close. "Take care, a chumann."

Now I sat in a plane letting the pilot of Aer Lingus whip me back to North America and back to my family, my home. Leaning back, I contented myself to watching Ireland's rolling hills and moors disappear beneath me as the airplane lifted off. I would be back. I'd made my choice. As of this year, I would have two homes: one in Seattle, and one in Ireland: two families, two homes, two lives. Feeling happier than I had in weeks, I closed my eyes and began counting down the days until Ireland would welcome me home again.

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