Names and Letters Chapter 16:

Charlotte looked down at the white pill, careful not to tilt her head because her neck still hurt at times. She wondered numbly how this moment had come so soon. The doctors had given her almost a two month supply of pain killers. And now that she was left holding the last one, she wondered what she would feel after its effects would wear off in a few hours times.

She wondered how she was going to survive the coming day, devoid of the barrier of narcotic numbness she had become so fond of.

Would her perfect white escape be enough again?

It was easier to disguise her secret now. Every time she went into the bathroom, her watchful family just went about assuming it was a bad reaction to her pain killers. She alone knew it wasn't. It was a bad reaction to love.

It wasn't just about escaping now either, it was about punishment.

She knew for certain, somewhere in her foggy brain, that she deserved her finger stuck down her throat again and again until even the tears wouldn't come. Her never ending penance was all she could give Sebastian now.

Leaving the bathroom behind, she came to find both her parents standing before her bed, worried and sheepish expressions on their faces. She hadn't been totally clueless these last few days since coming home; she knew something was going on between her father and mother. The whispered conversations, the guilty looks. She braced herself to hear it.

She wanted to know how they planned out the rest of her miserable life. A weekend here, a week there. A birthday wish over the phone. If she was going back to her old prep school or was to brave the callous Constance Billards, where she would have to newly establish herself as queen.

"Alabaster, are you feeling sick again?" Her mother asked, worry clouding her face.

"I'm fine."

Charlotte seriously tried to make herself believe that the more she said it, the more it would be true.

There was a silence, in which Charlotte stood before her parents, examining them both. The tilt of their heads, their expressions, the way their bodies seemed too close.

That's when it hit her, the very knowledge almost knocking her off her feet.

"No."

"Alabaster..." Her father started, taking a step towards her.

She didn't want to hear it, her heart pounding up into her throat. She retreated into the bathroom, locking the door behind her. This time she didn't need any help spilling her anguish before her.

She didn't remember much before the other Chuck had knocked the door open with his own weight, her mother falling in after him. She hated the sight of both of them at that moment. She does remember pulling away from her mothers embrace, and insisting she was fine with it. Over the next few days, they kept asking her over and over if it was fine and she kept saying yes, the word becoming loathsome to her.

But truthfully, she couldn't stand them together. Hadn't they known first hand what love did? Hadn't they seen the complete and irreversible damage her own love had caused? And yet they were together.

She wondered if they really cared about each other or if they just cared about hurting each other more then the other. Of course maybe she was just cursed, their tainted love passed down entirely to her. Flowing through her blood like some inherited disease without a name or cure.

The thought that she was the cause of all misery was interrupted by a knock.

Downing the pill quickly, she opened the door and now stood face to face with Tommy, who she hadn't seen since she was released from the hospital. It almost made her smile, something about him being so instinctively familiar and comforting.

"Hi."

"Mom wants to know who you want to ride with on the way there, us or Bart and Eric."

"Oh..."

"It will be really cramped if you come with us."

The coldness of his voice almost caused her to reel back.

"I'll just go with them then."

Tommy just nodded, an almost stoic expression painted on his once joyful features. He was about to turn to go when Charlotte stepped in front of him, trying to regain some normalcy. If she was to survive the rest of her life, she needed to learn to interact again.

"I've tried calling you."

"Been really busy."

"And texting?" she added meekly, starting to feel drowsy.

All she got was a shrug in response and a quick goodbye, as she watched him walk out the door.

The part of her that still cared about other people thought wondered what she had done wrong this time.

"Charlotte Alabster Waldorf-Bass." Her godfathers voice said, its tone somewhere between exhaustion and anger.

"Eric," she replied indifferently, playing with the vase of flowers her mother had put in her room, the smell of hydrangea's reminding her of a home; a life that seems so far away. Where had that life gone now? Surely it was over, the uncomfortable silences at home, the secrets, the mask she wore at school, the laughter with Sparks...

"I'm simply not going." She finished her sentence, firmly turning off that train of thought. She had enough to deal with without going down memory lane.

"Georgina says she would love you to be there."

"I'm not Eric."

"Stop being stubborn."

"No."

"You made a mistake, but you think out-of-sight, out-of-mind really works?"

"Stop it."

"He would want you there."

She felt herself caving slowly, the want to see Sebastian. But it wouldn't be Sebastian, it would be some false mockery of the boy she loved. A lifeless corpse, unable to laugh, to speak, to hold her and tell her it was okay.

"Charlotte..."

"Enough Eric."

The sternness of a voice not her own caught her off guard and as she turned she was met by the sight of her father, his silhouette barely visible and wondered how long he had been standing there. Eric turned around too and let out a loud sigh.

"Chuck, you can't let her hide in your ivory-towered hotel for the rest of her life."

"And you can't tell me what the hell to do with my family." Chuck replied calmly, but something about him made Charlotte think he was anything but calm.

"She needs to go see him, it will help."

"What she needs is you to leave." her father said icily, "She will go when she wants to."

Charlotte remembered the look of utter defeat on Eric's face as he slinked away and she felt sad for her obviously fatigued godfather, but not sad enough to not appreciate her father's intervention. She didn't want to see Sebastian. At least not the one laying in a bed. Even the image of him breathing through the assistance of machines and tubes brought fresh tears to her eyes.

No, she could not handle seeing him, or the look in Georgina's eyes, which would mirror her own too closely for comfort.

She slept without much trouble that night, her dress hung up neatly on her closet door. She didn't have nightmares, like she usually did, but instead surreally walked through different memories of her life.

The moment she first met Sparks and he pulled her pigtails and she pushed him down and they then swore a truce. The time when during her fifteenth birthday when Georgina had brought low-class male strippers. The second after her first kiss, when she was eagerly expecting butterflies to erupt and when they didn't, finally settled down with the notion that life is all an act. Things like that filtered in and out of her mind, before her alarm clock ringing awoke her once more, into what now seemed like a more painful world.

She went through the motions she had been taught since before she can even remember when getting ready for any sort of formal or semi-formal event. Charlotte reflected that she had treated her entire life like a semi formal event.

Looking at herself in the mirror, all she saw was an average girl in a somber silk black dress. She had refused to wear anything but black since the accident and her parents engagement party was no exception.

It had been hard enough that they were together, actually together, but Charlotte didn't understand their constant 'secret' PDA. Holding hands under the table, sneaking kisses in dark hallways, snuggling on the couch after they thought she had gone to bed.

It had more the flavor of horny teenagers then that of middle-aged parents.

And right now, Charlotte had the sneaking suspicion that her parents were playing footsie under the table during a family dinner. She didn't know if it was her mothers slight blush, or her father concentrating too much on his food that gave away it away. Of the fact that Eric, in a never ending attempt to bridge a gap that seemed to form between them, had texted her that when he dropped his napkin, he caught them in the act.

Everybody, except Dan and Tommy were present. Conversation seemed to go on smoothly, thanks to the aid of Serena, who made talking about the weather seem normal and even extravagant. They were halfway through desert when her father rose and cleared his throat.

"Blair and I have an announcement," he began, looking sheepishly at his own father. Charlotte thought he looked almost like a little boy in that instance, looking for approval.

Blair stood up next as well, taking Chucks hand, a smile gracing her face; a smile that Charlotte inherited, but never really used anymore.

"Blair and I are getting married."

The commotion was almost deafening as everybody rose from their seats, congratulations and champagne flowing freely. Charlotte put a smile on her face, so anyone who looked at her wouldn't suspect that she was unhappy. It wasn't lady-like to throw temper tantrums. After all, they all thought this was her wish. Her parents, after years apart, find each other again and marry, time never able to conquer their love and now they would all live as one big, happy family.

It was a storyline out of one of those stupid movies her mother loves to watch.

Eric held the door to the limo open for Charlotte, giving her a big smile as she approached. She returned the smile, though she thought he could tell her heart really wasn't in it. She clentched her handbag tighter as she slipped in, now seated between her godfather and grandfather, as if trying to draw support from the fashionable little thing.

"Have you been to an engagement party before?" Bart Bass questioned as the limo rolled away from the curb and onto incoming traffic. The feeling of being in a moving car disturbed her, but she swallowed her fear.

"A few times."

"Once for Georgina." Eric added, trying to be helpful, but the memory didn't help.

"I didn't know Miss Sparks got married."

"She didn't." Charlotte said softly, remembering. She had been thirteen, and the minute Georgina came home with a engagement ring, Sebastian went on a war path to destroy Gustav, and naturally enlisted her help. He had later told her that he was fine with boyfriends, but the only person he'd ever allow Georgina to marry would be his father, whoever that was.

"Doesn't really surprise me," her grandfather continued, "I probably wouldn't want to wake up one day to see what was under all that eyeliner either."

Charlotte quickly looked over at her grandfather, who seemed to be grinning, if you could call that a grin. Her grandfather had tried to make a joke and for the first time in what seemed like forever, Charlotte started laughing. The thought of her stoic grandfather doing something so out of character was hilarious. Eric quickly joined in the laughter.

"I wasn't joking." Bart tried to say flatly, but failed. So by the time the three reached their destination, even Bart was chuckling softly.

Inside the spacious building, everything was decorated tastefully in bright colors that only her parents could get away with using. As the trio, now completely composed, made their way to the head table, Charlotte was stopped by two older women.

"You must be Charlotte!" The first said with a huge smile, "We knew you mother in high school."

"Yes, I'm Penelope and this is Hazel."

"Your mother and us were practically the three musketeers," Hazel continued enthusiastically, "except with headbands."

"And instead of swords, we had blackberries."

Charlotte could hardly imagine her mother ever letting anyone be her equal, let alone two people. The only people she had ever seen her mother treat with an ounce of respect was the other Chuck and Serena, and Eric, and even that was sparingly.

Charlotte concluded that these two were probably nobodies to her mother, but the good breeding in her won out and she gave them a smile she usually only reserved for the police when trying to talk her way out of something.

"That so nice, I can just see it now." Charlotte added a laugh for good effect.

"You look so much like her, we almost thought you were Blair for a moment."

"I get that a lot."

"Of course, you must meet our daughters some time."

Charlotte nodded and promised she would, before saying she had to get to her family and was able to escape, going not to her family, but straight to the bar. If she was going to make it through the night, she needed something to help.

"Scotch." She snapped at the bartender.

"Isn't it a bit early?"

Turning around, Charlotte spotted the last person she ever wanted to see. She already had enough to deal with today without dealing with Aidan. He knew too much about her, seen too much of her weakness for her to ever be comfortable around him.

"Do you have nothing to do but stalk me?"

"Your at my house."

"What?"

"My family owns this establishment."

"Of course they do..." Charlotte muttered, relieved when her drink was finally given to her and started walking away.

"I'll be here if you need anything Princess."

"Shan't," she called over her shoulder. Her mother met her half way, a smile plastered on her face.

"Alabaster," she said, giving her a small hug, "How are you feeling?"

"A little sore," Charlotte replied honestly, not able to look her mother in the eye. How their roles had reversed over the span of a few months. She could tell that her mother was happy, but also that she was worried.

Charlotte didn't want to ruin her happiness by telling her that she was angry at her for making the same mistake for the third time. That she was angry at her father for not being the one to find them. That she was angry at Sebastian for leaving her and Aidan for knowing all her secrets.

This was suppose to be a happy day. Her unhappiness didn't have room here.

Her mother gave her a sad smile. "If you need to leave early, just text me, okay?"

"Okay."

There was a small silence and Charlotte knew what was coming next.

"Are you sure your okay with this?"

No. "Yes."

Her mother gave her a radiant smile, one that only broke Charlotte's shattered heart more, because she couldn't share in this happiness.

"Come sit with me and your father?"

Charlotte nodded and walked with her mother to the table.

Tommy walked over to the bar towards his cousin, glad to finally escape his family. The more time he spent around them, especially Charlotte, the more he wanted to spill his guts. But he couldn't do that, not now.

"Having fun?" Aidan asked, lifting his glass in Tommy's direction.

"No."

"You never really do anymore."

"Sorry," Tommy said sarcastically, "I'll try harder next time."

Aidan rolled his eyes, "You don't even like him."

"Doesn't change the fact he is my brother," Tommy said softly, making sure no one could over hear them. He didn't keep this secret from his family all this time just for some random stranger to find out and spill it all over page six. "Maybe if you had siblings you'd understand."

In the silence that followed, Tommy knew he had said the exact wrong thing by the way Aidan suddenly shut down. No quick comeback from his cousin, just a dead stare. Before Tommy could apologize, Aidan held up his hand, effectively silencing him.

"Sorry my parents couldn't live long enough to produce a sibling for me so I could be more empathetic to your drama." He said coldly, before walking away, leaving Tommy feeling more miserable then ever.

Before Charlotte knew quite what she was doing, she changed direction and followed Aidan, trying to catch up with him. She had been on her way to the bar to try to talk to Tommy again when Aidan walked by her. Maybe it was the look on her face that concerned Charlotte, because she had seen that look before on her own face just before she was about to do something stupid.

She caught up with him outside, grabbing his arm and turning him to face her.

"Not now." he said harshly before she could even speak. They stood there for a few moments glaring at each other before the valet pulled up in what was obviously Aidan's car. It took Charlotte a few second, as Aidan was heading around to the driver's side to decide what to do.

By the time Aidan got into the drivers seat, Charlotte was already buckled in.

"Leave." he snarled, his eyes dark.

"No." Charlotte said, giving him her most pleasant smile. He had been there for her during her darkest hour, so she owed him this much. Plus, it also served as a great distraction from the mess she called her life.

"Fine." he said, after a few moments, turning the car on and slamming on the gas pedal, speeding off into the night.

Eric undid his tie as he went into the private hospital room that Georgina had paid for. She was sitting right where he had left her this morning, her hand holding onto Sebastian's. If someone had told him twenty years ago that Georgina Sparks would ever love another person more then herself, he would have laughed in their faces and called them delusional.

Now he knew better.

"Hey." he said softly, alerting her to his presence.

She quickly looked his way, her eyes searching behind him.

"Charlotte's not here."

"Oh..." she said softly, taking her eyes off him and looking back at her sleeping son.

"Sorry."

"Its fine," she said, trying to sound strong, "Its just that sometimes I think that if she comes, he'll... Damn, I'm starting to sound like Blair."

"There are worse people to sound like," Eric offered, taking up his post in the chair next to her.

"Like?"

Eric thought about it for a moment, "Your mother?"

Georgina inhaled sharply and gave Eric a stern look, "Rue that day."

Eric smiled, "Blair says she'll stop by tomorrow."

Georgina smiled at this, "How was the reception?"

Eric shrugged and started telling Georgina every detail he could remember. Ever since the accident, she hadn't seen the outside world, so he had taken it upon himself to be her link to the land of the living.

It made him feel good that at least he could help someone, even if he couldn't help Charlotte.

"Slow down!" Charlotte screamed, watching as they swerved in and out of traffic.

"You wanted to come."

Charlotte swore, trying to block out memories.

"Don't be scared, I'm hardly ever crash."

"Thats comforting," Charlotte muttered, trying to figure out a way out of this. She was definitely never going anywhere with Aidan Archibald ever again.

"My dad died in a car crash."

For the first time since the car ride from hell started, Charlotte actually looked at Aidan, curiosity and adrenaline pumping through her in equal amounts.

"My mother was in the hospital having me and dad was trying to get there I guess. So excited he didn't even see the stop sign." Aidan said softly, "Around the same time, my mother died having me... In a way I killed my own parents."

Charlotte could feel tears welling up in her eyes as she looked at Aidan. She was almost sure she had only heard of things as tragic as that in books.

"See, what I don't get about you people," he continued, his voice starting to break slightly from the torrent of emotions coming up in him, "is that your family, your relatives, your parents are alive and you still aren't happy. You can't even enjoy what you have. You and Tommy and every other kid I know are so damn unhappy. You can go home and talk to your parents. I don't even have a picture with my parents. All I have is one grave stone, I don't even know where they buried my mother. My darling stepmother won't tell me."

Tears were running down Charlotte's face by the time he finished his story. For the first time in her life, she wasn't crying about own life; her own mistakes and regrets. She genuinely felt sorry for Aidan.

Reaching over, she put one hand over Aidan's and breathed a sigh of relief as the car started to slow down a little. There drove in silence for a long time before Charlotte finally decided to speak.

"I'm angry that my parents can be happy while I'm so unhappy and I put the one guy I'm in love with in a coma."

"I still win..." Aidan said, not looking over at Charlotte, "but you come in close second."

"Thanks." Charlotte said miserably.

There was more silence, which wasn't exactly uncomfortable. Charlotte thought it was nice to finally be around someone who was as broken as her.

"Do you want to see my yacht?"

Charlotte gave Aidan a small smile, "Sure."

Blair walked into 1812 after Chuck, looking around the familiar room and for the first time noticing not a lot had changed. Like their love, it was in almost mint condition. Walking over to the couch she sat down, tired.

Chuck gave her a small smile, "Did you like your party?"

"Our party... Charles." she said, playfully.

Chuck made a face in return, before sitting down next to her, "Unless you want me to start calling you Cornelia, knock that off."

Blair gave him a devilish grin before pulling out her phone and sending a quick text to Alabaster to call her in the morning.

Chuck instantly guessed who she was texting. "Is she okay?" He asked, full of worry. Blair smiled reassuringly at Chuck. It melted her heart how much he loved their daughter and she felt idiotic for ever doubting it. Touching his cheek lightly, she gave him a soft kiss before pulling back.

"As okay as she's going to be for awhile. She told me she might leave early, but I still want her to call me in the morning."

"We should all go out to breakfast tomorrow." Chuck stated more then asked.

"We can do dinner" Blair said, suddenly feeling sheepish. "We have the counseling session in the morning, then I have to go visit Georgina."

Chuck got very quiet as well and leaned back, looking at the wall across from him. Tomorrow would be the first time they would talk about their problems since they had gotten back together. The past two months, they had carefully avoided any subject that could lead to an argument. But the priest had refused to marry them until they went through the counseling course. Both Chuck and Blair were dreading tomorrow.

Blair's cellphone broke the silence and she looked down in confusion.

"It's Eric," she said, before answering.

Charlotte had lost track of time since she had gotten on Aidan's boat. The gentle rocking from the harbor calming her, as well as the alcohol. They were on their third bottle when she heard her phone ring and got up to go get it.

"Don't." Aidan said, grabbing her wrist and pulling her down on top of him. The noise of her cellphone melted into the distance as he kissed her.

Charlotte found after a seconds, that if she closed her eyes, she could pretend it was Sebastian.

Blair paced back and forth as she waited for the limo to come to take her to the hospital, her phone held between her head and shoulder. After a few rings, it finally went to voice mail.

"Alabaster, baby, when you wake up come to the hospital. Sebastian's awake."

A/N: Okay! Sorry the chapter took so long. I had midterms, then a crazy spring break. Plus, this is like the chapter that would never end. First off though, I want to thank all of my reviewers. You guys seriously inspire me to keep writing this story. :) :) Second, I'm going to go ahead and hide from everybody who probably hates this chapter, especially the way it ended. Hopefully I will be able to update soon. Thank you again to all the people who review and read this story, I hope you continue liking it and the characters! :)