Breaking To Repair.

Kyouya Ohtori is unbreakable.

He can take on the world, and he doesn't need anyone to be with him. He is never hurt and never out of control. He is never alone and never lonely. He is never sad, never needs a helping hand, never needs love.

(But it's a lie, a lie, a lie.)

He is never honest. He is always lying.

Kyouya Ohtori has acted his whole life, and Kaoru began to believe that he himself didn't know where the acting started and the truth continued.

He blinks a few times in the darkness, slowly adjusting to the lack of light. In a few hours it would be light, but he doesn't feel like sleeping any more (couldn't sleep, sleep, sleep).

He slowly turns around, looking at the pale face, a strong, (but it's fake, fake, fake)smile plastered on it. Even in his sleep, Kyouya still pretends.

They had been dating for half a year now. He had been lying to him for half a year now. He had been hurting him for half a year now.

Six long months, where every smile was fake and Kaoru still didn't cure the loneliness. He couldn't repair what was broken, just as you can't break what's already shattered.

He had believed it for so long, actually, believed that Kyouya was so strong, always strong. He had believed it doesn't hurt him (but it does, does, does).

A life like that must hurt anyone.

Even Kyouya.

Especially Kyouya, since after all, he was the one living that life.

Sometimes, he wishes he could still believe it. He wishes he could believe Kyouya was as strong as he told everyone, as emotionless.

Sometimes, he honestly wishes he was the selfish bastard he wanted everyone to believe he is. Because if he is, he'd break up, and this life would't have to hurt like this anymore. If he is, he wouldn't be hurt so many times.

But he isn't and he'd never be.

A dark eye slowly opens. A faint smile sneaks upon his face, (but it's fake, fake, fake) and he says: "Good morning, Kaoru."

(And it hurts, hurts, hurts) when he smiles back and answers: "Good morning, Kyouya."

He stretches out his arms, yawns and slowly gets up, the sheets falling down his naked torso, laying still on his lap. He rubs his dark eyes, like he does everyone morning, and continues smiling (but it's fake, fake, fake.)

Kyouya is a horrible person. He is horrible for doing this to Kaoru. Without a word, he steps out the bed, throws his hands up in the air, almost as if he told the world he'd surrender.

But he doesn't, because he's Kyouya Ohtori and he'd never surrender.

And Kaoru can't stand the smile (because it's fake, fake, fake) on his face. He can't stand the pain.

Kyouya puts on his boxers again, as the first morning light peeked through the window.

Why?

Why isn't Kaoru good enough? Why does Kyouya still feel so lonely, when Kaoru would be there, by his side for ever and ever?

Why can't he cure the pain?

Why doesn't Kyouya just admit he doesn't want to live like this.

When he was fully dressed again he looked at Kaoru, giving him another (fake, fake, fake) smile and says: "Maybe you should get dressed too."

Kaoru simply shrugs.

"Don't feel like it," he answers, smiling.

"I see," Kyouya replies, walking back to the bed.

The fake smile changes into a suspicious smirk as he leans closer and Kaoru feel his heart shatter when those silken lips touch his.

"Easier for me then."

All Kaoru really wants is to be loved back. Genuinely and honestly. Not like this.

It doesn't have to be like this.

But still, he never protests when he's pushed against the mattress again, when a tongue intrudes in his mouth. He never protests, because when he closes his eyes, he can make himself believe Kyouya honestly loves him back.

That for once he isn't pretending.

Fingers curled around black hair, deepens the kiss (love me, love me, love me) and pulls him closer. The tears dry before they even fall, because there's no use in crying if he doesn't admit.

There's no use in crying over him. He'd just pretend (fake, fake, fake) he doesn't care.

He stops, his lips brushing against his as he says: "get dressed, we should go."

And Kaoru honestly wonders what kind of merit could be into this. He honestly doesn't get why Kyouya is doing this. But he nods anyways, and smiles (but it's fake, fake, fake) and gets dressed.

He can feel those dark eyes dancing on his body, and for a few moments he believes he is happy like that.

But he doesn't want to lie himself like Kyouya lies to him.

After a few moments all evidence they ever were there is erased and when Kaoru closes the door behind him, stops walking and rests his head against the door, he hopes Kyouya would just continue walking and never look back anymore.

He really just wants to help him. He really just wants Kyouya to smile, honestly. But he can't repair what doesn't admit being broken.

He can't repair what he couldn't even reach.

"Kaoru? Are you okay?"

(No, no, no.)

"Yeah, just… Kyouya…?"

(It hurts, hurts, hurts.)

"Hm?"

(Stop faking, faking, faking.)

"… No. Nothing."

A little laugh (but it's fake, fake, fake) and the answer: "okay then. Let's go."

He grabs his hand, and Kaoru dies a little more. Just watching Kyouya rush through his life like that hurt. It really hurts.

It hurts to see how broken he was, without being able to fix it.

The ride in the taxi is silent, like it always is. From the moment that motel room door shut, they are separated and not together anymore. From the moment they step upon those asphalt streets, they are alone again.

(But they didn't want to, want to, want to.)

They reach Kyouya's house first, and he gets out, Kaoru staying in. The driver wants to leave again but as automatically Kaoru tell him: "Wait. Don't go until he's in the house."

So the driver waits. Everything waits for Kyouya. Because Kaoru always does and he isn't going to stop.

It'll never stop.

Kyouya walks towards the large mansion that isn't home, because he never had a home. His steps are the long confident ones of a businessman who could take on the world (but it's fake, fake, fake) and his he holds his head up high. He doesn't look back once over his shoulder, because he never does.

Kyouya Ohtori doesn't look back.

But Kaoru can smell the fear, like he does every time. The fear of being found out, the fear of entering that prison once again.

The fear of living that life he lives.

His hand lays on the doorknob, but the door is pulled open before he could push it open. Kaoru sees how he takes a surprised step back.

His heart misses a few beats when his father stood in the doorway and Kaoru wishes he isn't visible.

He can't hear what is going on, but only those cold eyes of Kyouya's father are enough the freeze his heart inside, to chill him to the bone, to make him feel like a tiny bug and then he remember-

He always looks like that to Kyouya.

Smack.

Kaoru's eyes widen when Kyouya's glasses hit the ground once again, as the hand of his father made sharp contact with the flesh of his face.

(It's his fault, his fault, his fault.)

Kyouya doesn't even wince or make a sound, but there is blood, and Kaoru knows that must've heard. A last angry word, a last look and Kyouya picks his glasses back up.

Emotionless, cold, strong, indifferent, fake.

(It's so fake, fake, fake.)

He spots Kaoru still in the taxi and without a word he walks back, blood dripping down his cheek as if he doesn't even notice. Kaoru feels his heart wrench, break, twist, die, cry, scream, but remains silent until the car opens.

"Can I come to your place for a little while?" Kyouya asks coldly.

And he doesn't want to ask it, but does it anyway: "w-why?"

"Because I cannot step foot into my house anymore until I stop being with you," he answers matter-of-factly.

"Is that why your father hit you?" Kaoru shivers, trembles and the engine of the taxi sounds so silent he thinks they aren't even driving.

"For today that was the reason," and there's that hollow laugh.

The tears drown in his eyes, freeze in his heart and he can't speak anymore.

"You can stay with me for as long as you want to," Kaoru answers.

'Stay with me forever,' is what he wants to say, but he doesn't.

"Don't worry, my father is going on a business trip so by this evening I can return."

"… I see."

(I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.)

"Does it hurt?"

"No."

(It does, does, does.)

The voice sounds so cold Kaoru shuts up, because he knows if he would say one more word he'd start crying or yelling and he doesn't want to either.

He doesn't want to do this.

"He hit you," he manages to whisper anyway.

"He always does," Kyouya shrugs, "it looks far worse than it is."

The silence continues, because Kyouya doesn't want to talk and Kaoru can't. Kaoru's eyes are fixed upon his trembling hands, until a larger hand, a warm hand holds his.

It is always Kyouya who comforts Kaoru. It is always Kaoru who is hurt in his stead.

"It doesn't hurt."

(But it's a lie, a lie, a lie.)

And even though he promised he wouldn't, Kaoru cries, pressing the hand against his heart. Would he hear it beat? Would he know it was only beating for him?

But he doesn't, because he never does and he just holds Kaoru, cold and calculated.

"I love you," (do you, do you, do you?)

"I know," (I don't, I don't, I don't.)

When they get out, Kaoru's eyes are still puff and red and he doesn't want to enter, because he's afraid Hikaru will ask why he cried.

Why?

Because he's the only one who can. And that's why he'll continue crying, until one day, Kyouya does too.

The house is pretty empty when they enter and they can hear Hikaru's music downstairs. Kaoru cracks a smile, because he's so happy.

He's happy Hikaru can be happy with his love.

He leads Kyouya upstairs, to his room, even though he doesn't have to because Kyouya knows where it is, knows this house just as good as his. This house is home for the homeless boy.

Inside Kaoru's arms is home, but it's a shattered one.

It could be home.

(But it isn't, isn't, isn't.)

He sits down on the bed, watches Kaoru close the door and ask they question hanging in the air all along.

"Are you really okay?"

"I'm fine."

(I'm not, not, not.)

"You don't have to lie," Kaoru snaps.

"I'm not lying," Kyouya shrugs.

(But it's a lie, a lie, a lie.)

"Yes, you are!" but he doesn't want to continue, doesn't want this fragile illusion to break, so he stomps away to his bathroom and comes back with a wet towel, carefully cleaning the blood of his cheek.

He can hear him breath and his heart beat, and the tears come back.

"Don't cry," he tells him and Kaoru looks up.

"Cry," he replies back.

(Cry, cry, cry.)

And he can hear his heart miss a beat, hear a slightly surprise gasp and then a cold: "I beg your pardon?"

"It hurts, doesn't it?" he asks.

"I told you it doesn't," the answer comes.

"But it does," he says, stubbornly.

"Do you want me to be hurt?" (do you, do you, do you?)

His heart breaks, but he looks up, looks into those dark eyes and says:

"Yes."

In a quick movement he turns his head, doesn't want to look at Kaoru. As sarcastic, cold, unaffected as he can he states: "what a nice boyfriend you are."

"You're the horrible one here!" Kaoru stands up, throwing his hand in the air.

Kyouya just stares, tracing back every step in his mind where he could've made Kaoru so mad, but he doesn't find anything.

"You're always lying to me! Lying to everyone! You don't have to tell you're okay, when you're not! You never tell me what you really feel. It's not fair! You always keep everything for yourself, you never tell me anything! Why, Kyouya, why?! Why do you feel so lonely when I'm here! Right here! It's okay to be hurt, it's okay to be not always strong, it's okay! I'm here! I'll save you! I'll hold you until your tears would dry and-"

"Am I really that pathetic?" He's still sitting down, but he clenches his hands to fists, his heart racing furiously.

(Stop this, stop this, stop this!)

Kaoru's words drown in his mouth, freeze in his lungs and he stares at Kyouya, trembling to control his anger.

"Am I really that pathetic I need to be saved by you?" he looks up and Kaoru can't tell whether he's hurt, angry or sad, or nothing at all.

"I don't need your sympathy," and he spits out every word.

"You don't have my sympathy!" Kaoru yells back and he's happy Hikaru's happy music sounds so loud no one has to hear him scream in despair.

"What makes you think you can save me anyway!" and he bites his lip.

(You can't, you can't, you can't.)

"Because I love you."

(I love you. I love you. I. Love. You.)

And there's silence, silence, silence. Not a single word, not a breath leaving someone's mouth, not a heartbeat. Not a movement, not a muscle relaxing or tensing.

There's nothing.

Because there never is.

"Love doesn't save anyone," he tells him, bitterly.

(But it could, it could, it could.)

"That thing you call love is what brought us here in the first place. Besides, I don't love you," Kyouya looks up. "I never loved you."

Kaoru clenches his hands around the fabric of his pants.

"I hate you. I detest you."

(But it's a lie, a lie, a lie.)

Kaoru's eyes widen again, but the tears won't fall.

"You want to know how I feel? How I really feel?" and he stands up as well, smashes Kaoru against the wall, pushes him up.

(I can't handle this pain, pain, pain.)

His back scrapes against the wall, scratching it open. He's scared, so scared, so hurt, but not a single emotion comes out.

"I hate you," he spits in his face and his eyes are filled with something he can't describe. "You've ruined everything."

(Then why don't you leave, leave, leave.)

"You think it's so great? To feel? To have all these emotions? You think it's so great to cry when you want, to laugh?" the grip on his wrists tighten painfully.

He trembles like mad, every word out of his mouth shouted. But he's still lying.

"It's not!"

(Stop this, stop this, stop this!)

"It's the most disgusting feeling in this whole goddamn world!" and he releases his grip, throws him onto the ground.

In a few steps he stands by the door, leaving Kaoru on the floor, with tears that refuse to fall, with scars that cut so deep they won't even bleed.

"You think it hurts, don't you? You think it hurts to be never good enough for your own father…"

Kaoru gets up, looks at the back of the person he really loves.

"But I don't care," he sighs. "That's the truth."

Kaoru takes a step forward, but the words that follow cuts through his heart and make him stop when Kyouya says: "I don't want to be good enough for my father, if I'm not even good enough for you."

(And it's not a lie, not a lie, not a lie.)

"Y-You are…" he starts, but he's interrupted when Kyouya turns around.

"Then why are you trying so hard to change me?"

"I'm not trying to change you! I'm trying to heal you!" Kaoru screams.

(Let me, let me, let me.)

"I'm not broken," he bites back. "There's no use in being broken."

"You're lying again," Kaoru screams.

(Tell me the truth, the truth, the truth.)

"If that's what you like to believe, then believe it. I don't care."

"Kyouya… Please… I just…" and he stretches out his hand to touch him, but Kyouya quickly turns away his face.

"Don't touch me."

(Don't, don't, don't.)

Kaoru jerks his hand back, almost as if he burned it, stares at him with those big hurt eyes. He screwed it up now.

He always knew this could be the only result. But he doesn't want to believe. He doesn't want to believe love is worth nothing. He doesn't want to believe it should be like this, end like this.

He doesn't want to believe Kyouya can't be happy.

"I was fine before you walked into my life."

It cuts through his heart, fast, painful.

"Before you were there, I never felt anything. And that was great, perfect. I don't need to feel anything. Feelings and emotions are overrated. It's perfectly possible to live without them."

And Kaoru wants to scream that he should stop lying already, stop killing him like this, but he can't.

"I don't need you and I don't need you to fix me."

(But I do, I do, I do.)

"If you leave, I'll scream!" Kaoru shouted.

No one knows what they were doing, they both don't know what they are trying to achieve anymore. They want the world, but they never want anything.

He wants to stay, but he wants to leave.

Maybe their love should hurt like this.

"I don't care, you can scream all you want," Kyouya answers.

So Kaoru does. He opens his mouth and screams. He cries, cries, runs towards his bed, kicks against his night table, doesn't care his lamp crashes down and shatters.

Tears fall down these eyes of his, and he sobs, cries, chokes, dies.

And Kyouya stares at him, in a mix of pity, pure horror and nothing. He leans back against the door, watches him cry for a few more moments, before he snaps and says: "Stop it. Don't be such a child."

"No! No!" Kaoru stubbornly holds on. "I'll cry just as long as you refuse to!"

Kyouya bites his lip, bites the pain away. Who does that boy think he is?

He wants to say 'I'm leaving now,' but he can't because he won't. All he wants is for Kaoru to stop crying. But he doesn't.

Kaoru doesn't stop and Kyouya's afraid that if he keeps on choking like that, he might die for real.

He has never seen Kaoru that hurt or upset, and for the first time he doesn't hold him.

Right when Kaoru needs him to most.

But he can't stop this if he doesn't even know what Kaoru wants. He can't stop this, because it's hard to scream that it hurts.

He's scared that if he cries that first tear, the tears will not stop pouring down. And he's scared Kaoru will get sick of it and won't hold him until it stops.

No one ever waits for him.

"Kaoru! Stop it!" he commands. "I'm fine! I'm not hurt! You don't have to cry for me, there's no reason why I should cry!"

(Because I have you, have you, have you.)

But Kaoru keeps on crying, keeps on choking, keeps on kicking and screaming and Kyouya never felt so alone and useless.

He never felt so hurt.

"Kaoru!" but his voice is starting to sound desperate instead of annoyed.

But Kaoru keeps on crying.

(It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.)

He keeps on crying just as long as Kyouya lies to him. He falls on the ground, coughs, forgets to breathe, can't breathe and the older boy's eyes widen even more.

"Stop it… Stop it…" and he's not so sure whether he's commanding or begging.

(Stop this, stop this, stop this.)

But Kaoru doesn't. He cries for all those times Kyouya couldn't, for all those times he didn't dare to. He cries because it hurts to be lied to so much, because he hates how much he loves him. He cries, because that's the only way he can save him.

Tears leave stains on the floor, big wet drops.

He can't breathe; he's suffocating, drowning in the pain.

Why doesn't Kyouya save him?

Why doesn't he care?

(Don't do this, do this, do this.)

"Come on, Kaoru! You're not solving anything! There's not a problem to begin with!" he sighs, desperate, trying his best not to care.

But he does.

He always did and always will.

Kaoru can't answer, since the sobs and screams keep coming. He lets it all out, for all those times Kyouya had to keep everything inside. If Kyouya's unbreakable, he'll break for the two of them.

If Kyouya's never hurt, then he'll be hurt for the both of them. It's the only thing he can do.

And it was on that moment, where Kaoru threw his head back in his beck and sobbed his name, Kyouya snapped.

He shouldn't do this, ask him to admit what he can't. He shouldn't try to repair him, because Kyouya's not even sure that's possible.

He shouldn't do this, but if he wants it so badly, Kyouya will break for that younger boy.

He'll admit it hurts, because in the back of his mind there is this voice telling him:

(He can save you, save you, save you.)

He walks towards Kaoru, and gently holds him. Tears fall on his shoulder, leaving wet spots. The boy trembles in his arms, and he tries his best not to. He closes his eyes, fights the tears, doesn't want to listen to his crying.

He has to stop crying.

"It's okay, take it easy," he says, trying to ease the pain, the trembling.

Kaoru clenches his hand around the fabric of Kyouya's T-shirt pulling him closer.

"I admit, okay? It hurts," Kaoru's eyes widen as Kyouya pulls him even closer, closer. "You have no idea how much it hurts."

(It's not a lie, not a lie, not a lie.)

"But it doesn't hurt as much as to see you crying like that, so…" a trembling hand brushes through auburn hair, "so please stop it. You're hurting me."

"Okay," Kaoru sniffs, looking up.

"That wasn't so hard, right?" he laughs a little.

But he has no idea how hard it is. Because now he admit, it's going to hurt, kill, be painful.

Kaoru better proves him wrong. Kaoru better loves him forever now, because there's no way he will forgive him if he won't.

There's no way he can let go now.

"I still don't get what you were trying to do," and for the first time Kaoru notices Kyouya's eyes are moist.

Like nearly crying, but he isn't. And for the first time his heart wrenches in an even more painful way.

"I'm sorry for hurting you," he apologizes.

Kyouya laughs.

"I thought that was what you wanted."

"Nope. I don't want to hurt you. I just want to you know it's okay that you're not always strong. You don't have to be anymore."

"But did you really have to destroy your lamp for that? Geez, I thought you were going to suffocate," he rolls his eyes.

Kaoru laughs a little.

(Our love should be like this, like this, like this.)

"Don't ever do that again, okay?" and he's turned back to his normal self, serious yet caring.

"As long as you get the message…"

"You're like a miniature me, blackmailing people like that to get what you want."

Kaoru laughs again, rubbing the tears out of his eyes. He still lays in Kyouya's arm, but that's just fine, because he wants to be there for ever and ever and some time more.

"I learned from the best," he answers.

They become silent again.

"Say, Kyouya… what you said about hating me… Was that true?" but he's not so sure he wants to know.

"On the moment I said that it was, I guess…" a faint smile sneaks upon his face. "But if I really did I would've walked away, right?"

"Hm," Kaoru confirms humming, sneaking closer and closer, pushing Kyouya on the floor with a mischievous smile.

He leans forward and presses a kiss on his lips, and for the first time it doesn't hurt.

It doesn't have to hurt anymore.

(Because it's real, real, real.)

He can start to repair now, even though he knows it'll be hard and difficult and Kyouya will keep silent when he should speak a lot. He knows that he'll be hurt and he knows that his heart will twist in painful ways.

But he also knows that's all worth it if he can see one genuine smile on Kyouya's face, like he's witnessing now. He knows whatever pain or heartache or difficulty might come, it's going to be okay now.

Because Kyouya will always be there for him and he'll always be there for Kyouya. And no one could change that.

When Kyouya finally returned home, Kaoru waits in the car, as always. He watches how Kyouya walked towards the door, lays his hand on the doorknob. But before he goes in, he looks around.

Kyouya Ohtori actually looks back for once.

(And smiles, smiles, smiles.)

So Kaoru's heart forgets to beat and he blushes, slowly lifts up a hand and waves. He doesn't know how happy he is when Kyouya lifts his hand up as well and waves back, then disappears into the large mansion.

Kaoru goes back home and the whole day he walks around with a big silly grin on his face. When they eat dinner, his mom comments she hasn't seen him so happy for ages.

And that's true, because Kyouya wasn't the only one who should've admit he was hurt.

That night, Kaoru had a little trouble sleeping. He wondered if he hadn't gone too far. He almost made Kyouya cry.

Maybe Kyouya wouldn't want to be around him anymore.

(And he couldn't survive without, survive without, survive without.)

When he finally starts to fall asleep, his cell phone rings. He blinks his sleepy eyes, takes the cell phone, flings it open and holds it to his ear.

"Hello?" he asks, his voice groggy.

There was silence.

"Did I wake you?" then, finally, and Kaoru feels his stomach go on a roller coaster when he recognizes Kyouya's voice.

"I couldn't sleep," he answers, and it's not even a lie. "Why did you call?"

"Uhm…" Kyouya keeps silent for a while. "Earlier today, you said that… I always kept everything for myself and… I should,"

A sigh.

"I had a nightmare," he admits.

Kaoru is sitting upward in his bed right now, a happy smile on his face.

"About what?"

"It's really stupid though…" he murmurs on the other side of the line. "I shouldn't have called."

"No, it's okay," Kaoru smiles. "I want to hear it."

"I dreamt that I left you today, earlier this day," he keeps silent for a while again, so Kaoru waits until he continues. "But, I just want you to know that… I never would… Okay?"

"I know," Kaoru falls back into his pillow. "That's why I love you."

There's a laugh, and it must be Kaoru's sleepy mind that told him it sounds a little nervous.

"I shouldn't have called for something that unimportant. It's like 3 in the morning…" he scolded himself.

"No, I love it, that you called," Kaoru looks at the ceiling. "Do you feel better now?"

"Hm," he hums in conferment.

"Then it wasn't unimportant to me," and he smiles so brightly Kyouya can almost feel it at the other side of the line.

"Kaoru…"

"Hm?"

"I lo-" he sighs, stays silent, then started a new sentence. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Kyouya-senpai."

When the line goes dead and Kaoru hugs his pillow tightly, his heart beats at a racing speed, his stomach turns and races and the smile on his face is so wide he doesn't think he'll ever get it off.

He doesn't want to either.

And for the first time in his life he's not afraid for tomorrow or any days. For the first time in his life, he's not scared that one day Kyouya would leave him and not love him anymore.

(Because this is forever, forever, forever.)

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

Okay... Not much to say. I don't like this story, actually. I only like the scene where they're fighting. Tss, everyone will probably think they're both OOC and I don't feel explaining why I think they're not. I'm tired, it's too hot here XD Where is that lovely rainy cold Belgium-wheater when you want it? Dead. Oh well. I hope YOU dodn't think this story sucked as much as I think XD

I kinda like the effects the things between brackets had though XD

This was done for the Title + Genre challenge, issued by Demi-kun. This is supposed to be hurt/comfort, as is therefore classified as it, but I don't really think it is XD This was done to support the KyouKao fanclub on SHINE, Of Glasses and Syrup. Please join SHINE and stay active. There's a link on my profile. Please check it out.

Please leave a review,

- Jazy,
Leader of the Red Squad and protecter of the KyouKao-ness -self-proclaimed title-