Title: We All Make Mistakes
Pairing: Cath/Sara
Rated: M (Warning contains femmeslash if that offends you this probably isn't the story for you).
Disclaimer: I own nothing. If I did things would have taken a turn for the better between Cath and Sara
Status: WIP
Summary: After a long night Catherine begins to realize things about herself that are unsettling. Will she be able to ask for help from a friend? Will that friend give help?

A/N: Edited version.
I will be editing this story before I continue with the last few chapters.

Cath's POV

Rain is pounding down on my car. I am staring at the windshield wipers working overtime in an attempt to clear away the waterfall that has come crashing down out of the sky. Vehicles are speeding by as I sit on the side of the road trying to process what has just happened. There is only one thought that will register in my mind. What am I going to do? I can't sneak home and risk Lindsay, or my mom seeing me like this. My mind refuses to stop racing. I can't control it enough to be rational. All I know is that fear is still rushing through my veins. Disgust lingers in my every movement, and anger is ripping me apart from the inside out.

I have no one to turn to. To talk to. I have pushed everyone away as the years have gone by, and now I'm alone. I have drifted away from my makeshift family. They have all moved on and I have remained to same. Grissom has Sara and Sara has Grissom. Warrick has been married, divorced, and become an addict to prescription pills. Nick and Greg have found new people and moved on in their lives. And me? I'm stuck in my old habits so that I can have someone to fill the empty space in my bed at night. A body to replace the hollowness in my heart that one person has created. The one person I can never have.

So my constant loneliness has led me to this night. A mistake. A big one, might I add. I take a few deep breaths and try to conjure a plan. I can do this. I glance around the car and a picture tucked in the mirror catches my eye. I grab it and stare down at the photo allowing my memories to take over me.

When I come back into reality I realize I have a small smile lingering on my face, and tears welling up in my eyes. But I have figured out what I can do. Now it is all a matter of courage. Courage I know I don't have at the moment.

I start my car and pull back onto the road hoping that continuing to drive will clear my mind…

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Half an hour into my drive I realize have no clue where I am, which cannot be a good sign seeing as I have lived in Las Vegas since I was sixteen. From this I can draw one solid conclusion. I am no longer in Vegas. That's great! Just Great! This wasn't my plan and I probably shouldn't be driving at the moment. I don't know if I discovered this fact after I almost ran five people off the road, or if it has to do with the fact I don't remember how I got here. Either way I am a hazard to people's safety. There is nothing I can do about that now. I wasn't going to stick around with Jake any longer. I see light up ahead and pull into a gas station.

When I enter the store a wave of heat immediately washes over me followed closely by the smell of BO. I force the bile back down my throat and turn to the man behind the register. The store is dimly lit and I am not at all surprised by the appearance of the man behind the counter. The guy appears to be in his mid forties he is balding with a beer belly. He is wearing a grungy, what could have been white undershirt, and a pair of loose jeans. I can feel his eyes wandering my body even though I know for a fact that I look like shit. Running my hand through my hair, I am thankful that I had a hood on my sweatshirt, and I can't suppress my wince when my hand brushes over a fragile spot on my scalp. As I approach the counter the scent of BO and stale cigarettes becomes stronger. I attempt to breathe through my mouth like you do with decomp, but it doesn't come as a shock to me when it doesn't work. It never does. Finally a rough voice has made its way through the fog of my mind. "Ma'am?"

I focus my attention on him and observe the worried expression on his face. His features soften when he looks into my eyes. "Yes?"

"Are you okay girl? I called to you a couple of times and you didn't respond. Not to mention the expression on your face and your appearance has stirred up some concern."

"Yeah, yeah… I'm fine. Sorry I didn't hear you. Umm I'm kind of lost. You wouldn't happen to have directions back to Vegas would you?"

"Vegas huh? Why I sure do darling. You want to back track the way you came from for about an hour and a half and it should lead you right back into Vegas. Listen you sure you are okay? Do you want to call someone to come and get you?"

"No, no I'm fine. I just need to clear my head that is all."

"Okay if you say so. Why don't you grab a drink and something to eat? It's on me."

"Okay thanks. I...uh… appreciate it." You know it never ceases to amaze me how the way someone looks can throw you off. I mean tonight for example I meet this okay looking guy at the bar. Dressed in designer close. A big shot casino manager apparently from south Nevada. A town I haven't heard of. He buys me a couple drinks, he was a nice enough guy, and then… I don't think I'm ready to face that yet. I have to make a plan. Well no, I have a plan. I need to work up some courage. I have a long drive back to Vegas to do that. Who am I kidding it won't happen. I will have to let my guard down and ask for help.

I grab a Diet Coke, but don't have the stomach to eat anything right now. I wave to the man behind the counter and thank him again before walking into the storm.

When I get in the car I strip off my sweatshirt which has become more of a second skin. I am shivering uncontrollably so I crank the heat, and turn on the radio to keep me awake.

Sometimes I find it ironic how you will be sitting there and all of a sudden a song will come on that mirrors your life, and your feelings at the moment.

Of course on one of the rather worse nights of my life, which I have tended to have many lately, that type of song comes on the radio. A song that I believe is made just or me.

She sits in her corner
Singing herself to sleep
Wrapped in all of the promises
That no one seems to keep
She no longer cries to herself
No tears left to wash away
Just diaries of empty pages
Feelings gone astray
But she will sing

'Til everything burns
While everyone screams
Burning their lies
Burning my dreams
All of this hate
And all of this pain
I'll burn it all down
As my anger reigns
'Til everything burns

Ooh, oh

Walking through life unnoticed
Knowing that no one cares
Too consumed in their masquerade
No one sees her there
And still she sings

'Til everything burns
While everyone screams
Burning their lies
Burning my dreams
All of this hate
And all of this pain
I'll burn it all down
As my anger reigns

'Til everything burns
Everything burns
(Everything burns)
Everything burns
Watching it all fade away
(All fade away)
Everyone screams
Everyone screams
(Watching it all fade away)
Oooh, ooh
(While everyone screams)
Burning down lies
Burning my dreams
(All of this hate)
And all of this pain
I'll burn it all down
As my anger reigns
'Til everything burns
(Everything burns)
Watching it all fade away
(Oooh, ooh)
(Everything burns)
Watching it all fade away

Half way through the song I found myself singing along and wondering how people can express themselves so clearly that others can relate. I use my anger and confidence to cover everything, because I can never explain my feelings. I can never acknowledge passion or hurt to anyone. So I hide it deep inside, and then I end up doing stupid things, because I can't tell the person I'm head over heels for that I love them. That I want to spend my life with them. That I want to take away all of their pain, and make up for the years that we've lost. Years full of careful flirting, rare kindness, and anger. Anger and passion directed toward each other. All of their attention focused on me and only me. Leaving me weak at the knees when it is over. But I am too afraid to speak up. Too proud to fix things. I know that I've royally fucked up any chance I have ever had at wining their heart.

I have tried though, to be better. Tried to start over and make things easier. I know the effort is worth it. I've seen glimpses of the real person hiding behind the walls. Ever since the team has gotten back together I have made an effort. It however hasn't been returned, and I can't blame my love after six years of my bitchiness. I will not give up trying though, not now. Even though they are with someone else I cannot dull my emotions. I am dying a little more everyday as I watch unnoticed at what sickens me. Their love. The love I could have had if I hadn't made yet another big mistake. That seems to be all I Catherine Willows can do is make a shitload of mistakes.

I've always said my motto is never doubt; never look back, but right now the hell with that. Every day I am forced to see the products of my past. See the things I could have done better, and I can't help but wonder what if I did this differently? Would I have the love of my life, or would they still be in someone else's arms? Would my father have died knowing that I love him?

The honking of a car horn drags me out of my mind as I almost again run someone off the road. I do get the chance to see the lights of Vegas glowing up ahead. Looking at the clock I discover that it is almost two in the morning. If I turned to someone for help would they even be up? Would they want to see me? Would they be there?

I'm probably the last person anyone would want to see especially, in the state I am in. I've made up my mind though. I have trusted my friends before, and I am going to trust them again. Not to laugh at my weaknesses, and not to divulge my secrets to unwanted ears. I have to try. I have to get my life back. My family back.

Pulling up next to the building I cut the engine and sit there letting the darkness consume me. A few lights are on which is comforting. Hopefully the one I am looking for is too. I'm not certain. I've only been here a couple of times. We have always met somewhere outside of work, but away from home. Anger and fear burn deep inside of me. Bringing out the worst of my insecurities. I need a release. Getting out of the car I slam my fist into the it's door. This isn't enough so I repeat my actions until exhaustion takes over me.

Taking a few deep breaths I attempt to calm myself before heading inside. Hoping the stairs will do more to help me clear my head I slowly walk up five flights. I stand before the door and glance around. Quietly I whisper to myself, "You can do this."

My only problem is I'm great at lying to myself and breaking promises to myself. I promised things wouldn't get this far. That I wouldn't fall so low. That I would fix things tomorrow and the day after that. I told myself I wasn't retreating inside myself, and that I was not in love. These memories of the things I have said to myself cause me to start pacing up and down the hall. How could I do this to myself? My daughter? My friends?

How could I allow myself to become so hollow? Doing the necessary to get through the day, and going out at night to fill the black hole in my heart. One that I know can't be filled. It's occupant cannot be replaced.

This time I will not let myself down. This will be the first step to bringing myself back to life. I will bring some comfort to my aching heart, and I will move on. Finding the next best thing. I will stifle the envy that courses through me. Who am I kidding I can do one of those things, and not for me for Lindsay. I will get myself out of this hole and be a better mother. One that my daughter deserves before it is too late. She is already in high school, and I only have a few years left for her to depend on me.

This thought gives me strength, and I step up to the door and knock. As I hear the locks shifting and the door begins to open I have a moment of doubt, but when I face the person in front of me I no longer care.

TBC...