author's note: if you are in love with edward and are offended, then sue me.

Dearest Diary,

Hello, my name is Edward Cullen and I like blood. it is a pretty color and it smells yummy and it tastes yummy and I like it. I also like shiny things like the diamond I once stole and gave to bella and pretended was actually mine. (shhhhhhh it's a secret) I also like forks which I live in forks in Canada or something like that.

So today I was peeing in the bushes near the clearing where I had been living with a skunk (who was so very cute and fluffy, more than bella) when I telepathically got a message from my conscience that told me that Bella was in danger. My conscience and I had been talking to each other for quite a while now. We were best buddies, but people always did look at me funny when I talked to myself, like I was a psychopath or something. I mean, I'm only a vampire with a burning desire to bite a certain girl and I want to die and I can't die and I can read minds, I mean, if that's not completely normal, I don't know what normal is. Well, as I was saying, I sensed with my super powers that Bella was in danger, so I ran to the nearest cliff because I expected she had gone and done something stupid like jumped off, she was such a fool. I never thought she had any sense at all. I only liked her because she smelled like pretty flowers and shampoo. She also wasn't very pretty (like the hottie hot hottie Hannah Montana.) Well, then I went to the hospital and they told me that I was too late and they're sorry, but Bella's dead.

"yes" said my conscience. We were having a nice conversation."I know" I giggled. "it's so scrumptious. Now I can take over the world like I've been planning to do ever since I became a pink serial killer. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!" the nurse must have heard me cackling with glee because she told me to be quiet because some people actually had feelings and didn't crack up while conversing with themselves after someone they were supposed to care about died. I immediately began sobbing hysterically (fake of course) until the nurse dragged me into the mental ward of the hospital and chained me to a bed there(ooooooooooh, shiny handcuffs). I began going over my plans to rule the world and talking to my conscience (we decided to become pen pals) but then I had to pee so I decided that the mental ward wouldn't miss me while I took care of business on the fire alarm.

I guess I was kind of sad that bella was gone. I had always thought that she would make a nice air freshener for my pretty pink mansion with pretty pink ponies (my goal in life was always to be the best pink unicorn rider and mansion owner ever). Just then, a boy walked up to me and told me that he was looking for a big ugly creepy guy and I said ooh must be me and he said no his name is lord voldemort. 0 my g I said to him. You must be harry potter, I'm like you're biggest fan, could I have an autograph? He was like, oh man, you must be Edward cullen, I've read you're books, you're a little stuck on yourself aren't you, but you still do have a big book. Then we were like friends and he went and killed voldymort so he lived happily ever after with his girlfriend who turned out to be professor umbridge, who if I do say so myself, was pretty cool and smokin' hot. More later, dearest diary.

With love, Eddie

Preview of next chapter:

This is a letter from me to my conscience (since we are penpals)