A BIG thankyou to Aki-Masamune for the Cactaur Auron idea that spawned this fic. If you haven't done it yet, check out my FFX fan art on Deviant Art (the link is on my profile page!). Also thanks to everyone for hanging in there through the long pauses between updates! Here's chapter 6; enjoy! (Hey, look! I used a semi-colon!)

Title: Random Bits 16 - Chapter 6

Setting: After a horrible Mixing accident Auron and his companions are in search of the Ronso Potions Master.

Calm Lands - Yuna and Lulu have finally returned with some semi-liquid relief for Kimahri's sizzling skin.

The Vanquishers of Sin stood in an intense silence, about to face what was possibly their toughest challenge ever. Even tougher than defeating Sin. The heroes (and heroines. Let's not be sexist) stared at Kimahri grimly, mouths set in firm lines (except for Auron, who, being a Cactuar, was incapable of getting his mouth to form any shape other than an elongated 'O'). To the casual passerby, the companions' expressions appeared to be those of a group of courageous, selfless people determined to overcome a difficult task no matter what. In reality, their expressions were of the 'Blow that!' variety. And indeed, that's what everyone of them was thinking; Even Yuna, although her version would have 'blank' substituted for the words she deemed to harsh to think.

After much shuffling of feet and dress hems (since there is no evidence that I've seen to suggest that Lulu even has feet), Yuna gripped the bottle of sunburn lotion, and with the resigned air of a man stuck with diaper duty, strode up to the Ronso.

Typical Ronso skin was a dusky blue(or purple, depending on your T.V. color settings). It was not supposed to be lobster red and turn white where you touched it, although this did have a certain amusing quality to it. Holding the bottle out like a shield, the meek Summoner approached Kimahri and said brightly, "Here Kimahri, I brought you something for your sunburn." The Ronso stood while his Summoner poured some of the greasy liquid into her hands and set to work with the grim determination seen in out numbered heroes, down trodden masses, and school teachers.

Rikku and Lulu joined Yuna after delivering unto the men, who were hanging back, the Sharp Look. The Sharp Look is usually delivered from a distance in public situations when someone is deliberately doing what they shouldn't because they are protected by the unspoken rule that you never embarrass family with public discipline (a.k.a. the 'I can't get you right now because we're in public, but just wait until we get home!'). Properly terrified, the Y's shuffled over to help, except for Auron, because Cactuars don't have hands. They have little stumps with spines on that should never be used on tender areas. Spines for fingers brought a new level of difficulty to simple, everyday tasks like petting the cat, rubbing your eyes, wiping your rear end, and picking your nose.

Kimahri stood as still as he could while his companions rubbed the lotion into his skin, and tried to ignore the feeling that he was being basted. After a few minutes of the pleasant attention, and despite his best efforts to refrain from such un-warrior like behavior, Kimahri started purring.

"Awwww!" Rikku cooed in delight. "He's purring! You're just a big old kitty, aren't you? Just a cute widdle kitty!"

Rikku never knew how close she'd come to being just another thin layer of grease on the nearby wall. But, because she was Rikku, she got away with it, as would have Yuna and Lulu. Sometimes it pays to be cute, beautiful, or just plain too dangerous to mess with.

Yuna giggled along with Rikku as she worked. The young Summoner was so engrossed in what she was doing that she didn't notice Tidus nudge Wakka in the ribs. Wakka paused and looked at the boy, who jerked his head in Yuna's direction and grinned. The Islander gazed steadily at the blond for a slow moment until the retarded dust bunny in his head stopped hitting itself over the head with a mallet and realized that something was up. The grin on Tidus' face was one usually found in the dark by small terrified furry creatures. The dust bunny burped and understanding dawned.

Tidus, grinning like a maniac (or a door to door salesman) began working his way over to Yuna. He rose silently behind her like a bad creep show monster and whispered in her ear, "Naaaakk-eeed!" Yuna yanked her hands away with a stifled gasp, "Stop it!" she hissed, flapping an impotent hand at him in dismay.

"What?" Tidus said innocently, "I just said Naaaakk-eeed!"

"Ewww!" Rikku squealed, covering her ears, "Ewww! Ewww! Ewww!"

"Stop saying that!" Yuna begged, while Wakka brayed with laughter.

Where was Auron in all this you ask? Well, he had been hanging out by the big potted plant by the booth. No, the one on the right. He was busily using a spine and the syrup from his shaved ice to scrawl on the back of a scrap of paper in an attempt to break the language barrier. He squeaked in annoyance at the stupidity going on around the stoic Kimahri. He scribbled a few more lines on the paper, then scooted over to Lulu.

The Black Mage was giving Tidus a scathing glare that was so concentrated you could have etched glass with it. It was downright malicious. Auron was impressed. It usually took a lifetime for a person to perfect that type of glare, and once perfected, it could instantly reform obnoxious children, make rabid animals cringe, and send grown men crying for their mothers. Lulu was truly a marvel and he almost hated to interrupt her.

Lulu released Tidus from her gaze and looked down as something tugged on the hem of her dress. Cactuar Auron executed a back flip, much to his own annoyance, and held up a folded piece of paper. The magic user took the paper, eyes scanning the writing, then looked down at Auron and nodded. She gently turned the Cactuar around and picked him up. Holding him at arm's length the Black Mage stepped around behind Tidus, who was back at teasing the two younger girls.

It was a perfect set up. Yevon couldn't have done better himself. Auron's prickly arm delivered the Hand of Justice with a side order of thorns to the back of Tidus' head.

"Naaak-owwww!" The Blitzball star howled, a sound like a leather belt striking a half deflated ball echoing briefly.

"That had spines in it!" he whined accusingly, gingerly plucking a needle from his scalp.

"We are going to the Ronso booth." Lulu said firmly. It could have ended there, but like most teens, Tidus had a defiant streak. It's an involuntary condition where teens do things just because they are told not to. It also causes the Sarcastic Retort Reflex, which makes things worse. Most of the world's arguments can be solved by simply keeping the mouth shut. Unfortunately, Ego sucker punched Common Sense and left it twitching in a corner. Tidus opened his mouth and began, "I don't want-!"

Lulu held up Auron, who held up an arm threateningly and chattered, (You want another one?) Common Sense teamed up with Self-Preservation and kicked Ego in the fork until it stopped moving. Tidus took a few steps back, shamelessly ducking behind Rikku.

"No more questions?" Lulu inquired archly. "Good. Let's go."

After luring Kimahri out of the relative shade of the shaved ice booth, Spira's heroes set off towards the Ronso booth. The stoic Ronso silently took up his customary position behind Yuna, but naked, sunburned, carrying Yuna's ginormous bunny, and holding the big pink parasol Rikku had thoughtfully provided, he was anything but imposing. Tidus trudged along beside Lulu in a sour humor. The ruby eyed mage usurped his Cactuar Carrying duties, but that was not what has bothering him. Auron had gone from being carried like a feather boa to being carried like a moogle. He has firmly wedged in the crook of Lulu's arm and in danger of being crushed by her bosom.

That's so unfair! Tidus thought grumpily, watching Auron dangle helplessly in Lulu's arms. In all the time he had known the Black Mage, he'd never gotten that close to her…attributes (except the time he had fallen on her while they were traveling on Mushroom Rock Road). And now there was Auron being practically smothered by them. Look at him, Tidus seethed, Just enjoying the ride.

As if feeling the boy's eyes on him, Auron turned his little Cactuar eyes on him. He sniggered to himself. (He looks like he's ready to explode!) he thought with malicious glee. He made sure the boy was looking at him, then reached up and carefully placed a finger under one eye.

To Auron's satisfaction, the teen bridled and shot him a reproachful glower. Auron made a show of settling in and getting comfortable. Cactuars didn't have very expressive facial features, but he managed to pull off looking smug.

"There it is!" Wakka exclaimed, whipping out the finger that he had ,only moments before, been using to pick his nose.

Not that anyone noticed, but the booger (best described as 'chewy', I.e. the state somewhere between crusty and gooey) was hurled off his finger tip by sheer momentum and landed in the hair of a teenage girl fifty feet away, where it would be discovered much later after her friends pointed it out in front of her boyfriend. She would be totally mortified, break up with her beloved, be socially and mentally scarred (because kids can't just shrug things off), be forever known as 'Booger Girl', lose her job, have no social life, be a total loser, her cat would die, and the world would end. But none of that had anything to do with Yuna and her Guardians and no one else would care anyway.

There was no mistaking a Ronso establishment. The booth was a heavy looking affair adorned with beads, feathers, and a myriad of charms (the small talismans, not the breakfast cereal) and small figurines. And Ronsos were probably the only race on Spira that would consider using the dried up remains of a Gagazet Mountain Yeti to hold the sign welcoming customers.

"Is that a Yeti?" Tidus asked Lulu, since she was the only one who ever remembered that he wasn't a Spira native. This time it was Rikku who replied,

"Yep, that's Ronso advertisement."

Almost every vendor who wants to stand out in the business world, be it a big name restaurant or a third world market stall, has a quirky sign or display that lets people know, 'Hey, I sell high quality, affordable (insert merchandise)!' Tobacco shops have their life sized carved Indian and camel meat vendors have their real camel head on a hook. And let's not forget the (as Terry Pratchett named them) ladies of negotiable affection that hang out in certain areas of every city where ever two sidewalks form a corner. It's all about advertising. Say it loudly, in a quirky, shocking, or humorous way and people will remember. Ronso advertising was as shocking as it came.

"That's…gross." Tidus replied, "It's like hanging a human foot outside a podiatrists' office." The Al Bhed girl shrugged, "Meh. It's a Ronso thing."

There was also a line longer than the line to the women's restroom at a football game during halftime. "We aren't going to actually wait in that line, are we?" Lulu asked incredulously as Yuna moved to join the long queue. "We have urgent business to take care of. We don't have time to wait in a line. Look, " She added, drawing their attention to Auron, who was squirming in her grasp. "Not even Auron wants to wait in this absurdly long line."

"That's cuz he's being slowly smothered." Someone muttered. It was followed by a strangled snort that was inexpertly covered by a cough. Lulu didn't have guess who had commented. There were only two 'Y's in the group who had a combined mental age of thirteen.

"Let's just wait our turn." Yuna replied quickly, in order to save Wakka and Tidus from what would surely be a slow, agonizing death. "It won't take too long. Look, the line seems to be moving right along. It will be our turn in no time." She said with the irritating optimism of old ladies, free spirits, imbeciles, and parents who like tormenting their children.

"Think about Kimahri, too." Lulu replied, quickly playing the Sympathy card. " Look at him," she said, gesturing with Auron at the sad looking Ronso under his burden of the Colossus and the pink umbrella. "Are you just going to let him walk around naked for the rest of the day. It gets cold at night you know."

Stuck in the mental quandary, Yuna hesitated an tried think rationally. "But…"

"What if it closes before we even get our turn? That won't be fair to Kimahri or Auron." Lulu said, knowing what Yuna was going to say. "Let's just walk up to the head of the line already."

Before any action could be taken, however, fortune smiled on the Summoner. Tahmuu Ronso handed his customer her purchases and was pausing to pick a budgerigar feather out of his teeth when he spotted Yuna. The ancient Ronso's eyes raked up the long line of less important customers, then back down to the waiting High Summoner. He barked an order to the line of patrons. Every Ronso instantly stepped out of line with a speed and smartness that would have made a hardened Drill Sergeant burst into tears of joy.

The Potion Master swept his burning gaze over the non-Ronso customers who were still standing in the broken line. They didn't look like they were in any rush to leave and strangely, the Summoner was hanging back uncertainly. The Potion Master snapped his hairy digits, and the other Ronsos immediately fell upon the remaining customers (some of which were only innocent Professional Queue-ers just doing their jobs). As bodies were flung left and right to clear the way, Yuna and her loyal companions were ushered quickly to the head of the line.

"Summoner Yuna honors Tahmuu's humble booth!" the elderly Ronso rumbled happily as he performed the short Blessing. Tahmuu Ronso was gray of fur and white of hair, but only slightly bent. He was of the 'Ye Olde Hale and Hearty' type. Everyone knows someone like this. They look like they were born old and just stopped aging around 82. Ten years later, they will still look the same.

Yuna returned the gesture. She, as a Summoner and religious figure, had to no matter what. It was A Rule. It had been particularly irritating when Tidus had figured this out. The precocious boy had spent a week popping up at random and inconvenient times to perform the Blessing just to see how Yuna would handle returning it. Then he had spent a week hiding from Kimahri after his failed attempt to try the Blessing on Yuna while she was answering the call of nature.

"What brings you to Tahmuu's booth?" the Ronso inquired. Lulu held Auron out at arm's length and said "This," then nodded at the bald Kimahri and added "And that." The graying warrior stroked his long beard, listening intently as Lulu explained the situation and the events that led up to it. He gave the two victims an uncomfortably long, calculating stare. Finally, he spoke. "This, Tahmuu can fix, Lady Summoner."

In order to prevent any other happy little Mixing accidents, Tidus was volunteered by Lulu to entertain Rikku while Tahmuu worked. Thus, under the guise of playing a few more carnival games before leaving, Tidus led Rikku away. After extensively studying Kimahri and Auron, Tahmuu entered his booth and began busily collecting Potions and other ingredients, then deposited everything on the small work bench in a corner. Yuna and her remaining Guardians watched with interest as the aging Ronso paused every so often, holding a decanter of mixings, to eye Kimahri or Auron before deciding to, or against adding ingredients. Strange glowing liquids fizzed and bubbled in a network of flasks and tubes on the bench (it was mostly colored water and fizzy tabs, but people expected to see strange and mysterious things bubbling in flasks). The atmosphere was heavy and tense as the Potion Master grimly sniffed, tasted, and added to his concoction. At one point, he scratched up a few fleas from behind Kimahri's ears, and plucked several needles from Auron's head to add to the respective potions.

The Guardians looked on in awe. All except Wakka. He snorted as Tahmuu gave the Cactuar a calculating stare before digging a dried up lizard out of a box and rubbing it on the bottom of his callused foot before dropping it into the bubbling broth.

"Pssssst! Lu!" the islander hissed, doing what was known as the Standing Lean. This is where the body leans, but the feet stay fixed (You know, like in Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal" video?).

"I don't think this guy has any idea what he's doing!" Wakka whispered from his gravity-defying stance. "He's just throwing a bunch of stuff together!" Lulu replied with an appalled hiss of "Shhhh!" and a sharp jab to his ribs with one of her wickedly sharp elbows, which made him wobble like one of those clown-shaped punching bags.

"It may look like that to you," the Mage replied archly " But he is a Master and created the formulas to every Potion, Remedy, and Cure we have today. He knows exactly what he's doing."

She turned back to watching Tahmuu, who was once again testing his work. The leonine humanoid stepped back from the bench and stared intently at his progress. Something was missing.

The Ronso tapped the yellowing stump of what could only loosely still be considered a fang and did some mental calculations. With a satisfied nod, the Potions Master bent back over his work (with only a slight creaking of the spinal column). He made a stomach desiccating series of snorts, gurgles, and hacks. Then, plugging up one crusty nostril with a finger, shot a nose rocket into each decanter.

Wakka turned to Lulu. He didn't have to say a word, but the look in his eyes and the set of his mouth shouted, I told you so! Lulu let the man dream. Everyone knew that Ronso snot was the main ingredient in most of their Potions and Remedies. It was good to let them think they were right every once in a while.

Tahmuu presented the finished Potions to Yuna with a slightly arthritic bow. The one labeled 'Cactuar' was purple with tiny golden pinpoints of light winking in its depths. It looked like what you would get if a pixie threw up. The one marked 'Ronso' was a clear innocuous looking fluid that, against all logic, was belching pink smoke.

Yuna thanked the old Ronso profusely. "Let's cure Kimahri first." the kind, gentle Summoner suggested (but only because she could no longer stand to look at a 7 foot tall naked cat). The stoic Ronso set down his burden of giant stuffed rabbit and stood in the patch of open ground in front of the booth. Sensing that something Big was about to happen, a crowd appeared round them.

Kimahri suppressed the urge to flinch as the Potion was tossed on him and the crowd 'oooohed' in suspense as a cloud of smoke bloomed around him. The Ronso was feeling relieved as the crowed began to cheer and clap until he glanced down. Yes, he had fur again, but the problem was the color. It was a happy shade of pink more suited to babies and candy. Kimahri felt like all he needed was a paper cone to shove up his rear and he would look like a walking stick of cotton candy, but Ronso pride forced him to hold his head high and march back to Yuna.

Kimahri felt a little better as Yuna said,

"It doesn't look bad, Kimahri. At least it isn't a festive pink. It's more a dusty rose pink." Kimahri scowled down at her, then patted her on the head to show that he appreciated her words, even if they were a blatant lie.

"I think it makes him look huggable." Rikku chirped. Kimahri sighed, resigning himself to looking like a giant stuffed animal.

To the Ronso's utter horror, he found himself surrounded by females of various races all wanting a snuggle. He cast a desperate look towards Yuna as the females formed a line and handed the person nearest him, who happened to be Wakka, gil just to hug him. They didn't even count it and he nearly jumped out of his skin when a very elderly human female tucked several gil into his loincloth.

Yuna turned and whispered something to Lulu, who smiled horribly and stepped forward. The Black Mage had no intention of Dispelling the fawning crowd, however. Kimahri was making a ton of gil, and Lulu was no dummy. She commandeered a nearby booth by means of promising the owner that Bad Things would happen to him if he didn't move out immediately. Thus the 'Hug a Ronso' booth was born. Yuna gave her Ronso an apologetic look.

"Sorry," Tahmuu said as Yuna gave him a questioning look. "It's a side-effect of the Potion. Color will change after a few days." he reassured her.

"What's the side effect of Auron's Potion?" Wakka asked curiously. The Potion Master scratched an ear and replied. "Might be bad diarrhea."

Out of morbid fascination the red-haired blitz ball captain could not stop from asking, "How bad?" to which the Ronso answered "The term 'blast radius' will apply."

It was Auron's turn next, and it was about time. He scooted out to the open space, doing several back flips in anticipation. Yuna dropped his coat on top of him so he wouldn't be nak…na…in the nuddy when he came back. Issues concerning public indecency resolved, the Summoner moved out of the way and tossed the sparkly purple potion at her Cactuar Guardian.

At that moment, Chance decided it needed a good gut-busting laugh. Rikku and Tidus pounded through the crowds. After spending 20gil at the Bobbing for Bunyips booth (and chipping a tooth) Tidus had won a Chocobo Cap. It was a beaked and feathery affair that made the wearer look like their head was being swallowed from behind. Rikku was gamely keeping pace despite her burden of Sham's Uberduper Nachos. It was two pounds of crispy corn-based chips smothered in cheese, ground Coerul, and nuclear strength peppers.

They weren't running because they were eager to get back in time to watch their fellow Guardians' restorations (Tidus had been ordered to keep Rikku away, if you've forgotten), no, they were running because of the Ronso habit of chasing anything fluttery, dangly, feathery, or small and squeaky. In this case, Tidus' hat had fired up the Stalk Instinct in every Ronso within sight and they were now fleeing from a sizeable crowd of Ronso.

The horde of leaping, bounding Ronso was only somewhat slowed down by the various boxes, prizes, and people Tidus flung in its path. The kids' Chocobo Rides (5gil) dissolved into panic as the normally docile Chocobos flapped away in terror, some with children hanging on for dear life. Luckily for Tidus and Rikku, the playful Ronsos were distracted by the fleeing Chocobos and they were able to escape.

Yevon, or who ever was now filling in the position of religious deity, must have been laughing his/her incorporeal butt off as the two Guardians ran into the clearing. As they burst through the onlookers, Rikku tripped over the staff of a life-sized Ronso statue of Yuna (which as promised, had been carved with a 'grand horn on head').

Two pounds of nacho-y goodness flew out of the girl's hands, cheese sauce forming an impressive tail for the crunchy missile, to disappear into the purple cloud surrounding Auron. It was followed by the blood chilling call of "Whooopsie!"

Blue and pink lights flashed in the depths of the cloud and something went 'whizz!' When the smoke cleared the crowd cheered as Auron was revealed. The Legendary Guardian slowly opened his eye and glanced around. He casually dusted his sleeves and adjusted his sunglasses, not wanting to diminish his cool factor by frantically patting himself down to make sure he was back to normal. He did a quick mental inventory: Arms instead of stumps? Check. Blood instead of chlorophyll? Check. An actual face? Check.

Satisfied, he turned and swaggered off into the sunset, his theme playing in the background. Rikku looked at Wakka, who looked at Yuna. The Summoner shrugged helplessly and glanced at Kimahri, who was no help since he was still having gil practically thrown at him. Tidus gave Lulu a questioning look.

"Shouldn't someone, you know…tell him?"

The Black Mage shook her head.

Sometimes it was just better to leave things alone. He would find out soon enough. So, without a word, Yuna and her loyal companions gathered their things and set off after Auron as he swaggered ahead of them, a Ronso horn on his forehead.

End.

Sorry, but the Hug a Ronso booth is now closed for the summer. Thanks for your patronage. All proceeds will go to the Loincloths for Underprivilaged Ronsos Foundation. Oh, Yeah, NAAAAK-EEEEEEEDD!!