I wonder if I'll finish this by the 10-year anniversary of publication.

Probably not with all of these stupid filler chapters.

Black Cat © Yabuki Kentaro

Ese (My OC) © Me

Black Wings

Hit Twenty-Eight: The Heart Wants What Hurts Less

Ese finally felt somewhat normal, so long as she focused on an arbitrary subject. She thought back to facts Eve told her about life, to things Sven taught her as a sweeper, even some things that she just remembered naturally, like multiplication tables. Beatrice had run out to get her something to eat to hopefully help her feel better, but she returned shortly with some brown bags. "I found a little sandwich bistro!" She exclaimed upon her return. "I got you a turkey club."

Ese accepted the food, and made her way to the table that was in the hotel room. They spread out chips and other condiments and prepared to eat.

"Beatrice," Ese asked between chews, "what are you doing here?" Beatrice munched happily on her potato chips. "I travel a lot for my pharmaceutical company. I had a collaboration piece out here in Campaign City with a co-worker from another firm, so my company set me up here so I didn't have to travel back and forth." She set down her sandwich and patted her lips with a napkin, "while I was out, I stopped by one of the more popular sweeper hot spots."

Ese stared at her. "Why?"

"Well," Beatrice started, "I figured your friends were probably worried about you, and so I stepped in to see if they had stopped by and if they had a number I could call. I managed to get in touch with a very polite gentleman by Sven—do you know him?"

Ese nodded.

Beatrice exhaled, "good! He seemed to know you very well; described you to a T, so I went ahead and gave him my location. He told me that he's going to come pick you up after dinner."

Ese looked down at her half uneaten sandwich, her stomach churning. She wasn't sure how she felt about Sven coming to get her, but at least they managed to find her.

"Well," Ese began, "thank you for going through the trouble."

Beatrice waved her hand nonchalantly, "oh, it's no trouble, none at all, dear."

After Ese helped clear the table, and she cleaned up from eating, as promised there was a knock on the door. Beatrice rushed to get it, checking her hair in the mirror next to the entry way, and swung the door open.

Sven and Eve stood in the doorway, Eve looking in anxiously.

"Hello there," Sven started apprehensively, "I'm Sven Vollfield; I spoke with you on the phone—Beatrice, is it?"

Beatrice giggled and shook his hand. "Yes, that's me, I see you're here for Ese." Her voice was a different octave, and Ese noted some pink in her cheeks.

Ese walked up to the entry way, tugging her coat on. "I'm here," she muttered, feeling exhausted.

"Nee-chan," Eve started, standing on her toes, "are you okay? You've been gone for hours."

Ese nodded at her, "yes," she murmured, "I'm fine. Just…felt a little sick is all."

Sven blinked. "That's weird; did you and Train eat something? He wasn't feeling well either."

Ese felt her eyebrows rise. "He's not feeling well?" She affirmed.

Sven shook his head, "yeah…he got back yesterday and collapsed; as far as I know he had been sleeping."

Ese felt her heart drop; the fact that Train was suffering because of her made her feel incredibly guilty.

"Well, let's get back then," she murmured.

As it turned out, Beatrice's hotel was the same hotel that they had all stayed at; but Beatrice was several floors above them. They took the elevator down to their floor and their room was a short walk down the hallway.

Every step she took, she felt like her heart was going to leap into her throat. She wasn't sure what was to be expected.

"I know you aren't feeling the greatest," Sven said, popping the door open, "but Eve and I caught a few fish and we cooked them up for dinner."

Eve nodded, "it was a cost-effective dinner." She added.

Ese could hear a muffled groan from the other room. She turned to the source of the sound.

"I'll eat later, okay?" She told Sven absentmindedly, and she walked towards the room.

Eve looked after her, but Sven merely motioned the little girl back out, "looks like they need to speak about adult matters," he mumbled, "let's go find some ice cream."

Ese watched them out the door, squared her shoulders, and walked in the room.

The window was open, with damp, cold wind filling the room from the rain outside. She could see him thrashing on the bed, his legs kicking uncomfortably. He was groaning out in discomfort, a sheen of sweat apparent on his brow.

Ese knelt down next to him, staring at his face.

She wondered, if she could see his memories, was it the same for him? Could he see things that even she hasn't been able to?

She exhaled.

What was this? What was she doing here? She stood to leave, perhaps to fly away, thinking that perhaps she could find somewhere else to go. Perhaps she could sweep on her own. Had she known that her choice would only offer a small glimpse of euphoria, and be replaced with this wretched grief that had settled into her chest like a disease, she would have left long ago. Being in love sucked.

As she turned, she felt his hand grab her arm and she turned to see his yellow eyes, intense from discomfort, staring her down.

"Are you alright?" She asked him quietly. She told herself to detach; the payoff wasn't worth the sadness she felt.

"Physically," he grunted, "yes."

She sat back down. She told herself, just explain what's happening to him, as a curtesy, and then leave.

"You're experiencing what I feel," she started, "as a result of our…night together." Her eyes wandered, not focusing on anything in particular. "I had a panic attack, and it appears that you're still on the butt end of it."

"This is terrible," he breathed, his eyes pinched.

"It is terrible." She murmured.

Despite the tense atmosphere, Train smiled. "Look at this," he started, "now I'm in bed seeing what you see, and you're comforting me."

Ese looked at him, her brow furrowing. "What are you talking about?" She asked.

Train rolled over to his back, his hand still wrapped around her arm.

"Remember? It was when we first met. Months ago…after Lunafort Tower. I told you about Saya, and you told me you saw my memory of her."

Ese blinked rapidly. "That doesn't make any sense," she muttered.

"You're right, it doesn't, but to be honest, this doesn't make much sense right now either." He exhaled a bit. "Seems like your entire life has been spent being locked up in one way or another."

Ese looked over at Train.

Once, she thought of him as her hero. He had scared off an assailant on the night she first opened her eyes in the outside world; the first night that she was officially free, not a vault number, not an experiment, but an actual person. She felt completely dedicated to him.

But is that love? Or just a mental illness?

She sighed.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Train murmured; it seemed as though he wasn't experiencing anymore side effects from her emotions or thoughts. It was probably strange feeling someone else's emotions; how does a brain handle it?

"I'm thinking I should leave." She said dully.

Train's smile vanished. He sat up, urgent. "Why do you…think that?" He asked cautiously.

Her eyes locked with his.

"You call yourself a monster," she started, "and yet, you're not the one pushing some genetic mutation trick on the other." Her hand raked through her hair. She felt panic, but she squashed the emotion. "You're not creating some 'special bond' that causes the other to go insane. What was I thinking? You're a human; I'm a freak. I'm not compatible." She shook his hand off of her arm and stood again.

"I'm like a cancer, wrecking you from the inside out. What will it be next? I accidentally lose my temper and blow you up? I get careless and crush you with my strength? How can you call yourself a monster, when very clearly, I'm the one who could snap you in half like a toothpick."

She started to feel completely frustrated; why had she lived this life so ignorant, to think that there was any possibility of cohabiting with regular people?

"I mean," she continued, "just fucking…look at me!" She spread her wings to their full extent. "This is not normal! None of this is normal!"

Train regarded her carefully. Slowly, he stood up.

"Ese," he started, "it's okay."

"But it's not okay!" she snapped back at him, "this is notokay, it's not fair to you to have to go through this—shouldn't you get to be happy?"

Train slowly lifted his hands up, and placed them on her shoulders, his eyes looking into his.

"I am happy," he started after a beat of silence. Ese felt her brows knot together. "Really," Train continued, "I am. I never thought I would be the type of person to let someone know me—truly know me—like you do." Train looked down, sighing. "I will admit, today…after that incident at Beyard's bar…I thought perhaps you didn't want to be around me anymore; that my past was too much for you to handle."

Train brought one of his hands back and raked his fingers through his messy hair, his eyes scanning the room.

"I can't erase my past. You can't either. What did you say earlier? About accepting flaws? You accepted me, without any question; isn't only fair that I do the same? For the sake of these feelings I have?" He brought his forehead to hers, resting his head against her. Their eyes met, and he smiled shyly. "Please don't fly away."

Life, as Ese was beginning to realize, never worked out according to plan. Love, even still, was more chaotic than life could ever be. Life was a roller coaster; love, on the other hand, is a roller coaster that's been completely derailed. Ese suddenly just felt exhausted—the events of the day, the aftermath of her panic attack, and now this, this confusing situation with the man she loves.

Should she stay?

Detach.

"I have to," she said, stepping away from him. She tried to swallow the lump in her throat. "I can't stay here. I have to leave." She took another step, her hand reaching for the window.

Train stood rooted in place, his eyes wide, but wary.

Ese could feel the breeze; at least the window was open. The rain had lightened up. Swiftly, she turned and jumped, letting her wings fill with the wind, and she took to the sky, the hotel disappearing behind her quickly. Her wings pumped, propelling her forward to the grey clouds, up, up and away.

'This hurts less' she reasoned. 'It's worse off for the both of us to stay together than it is to be apart.'

But the tears still rushed to her eyes; she still felt her heart break deeper in her chest.

As the distance increased, she could feel Train's thoughts and emotions fade away. But as she began to let her mind numb itself, she swore she could hear his voice in her head:

This can't be happening.

I didn't tell her.

I think filler chapters are the bane of my existence. I wanted to stir the drama up a bit, but I think I got more than I bargained for. Hopefully I can get back to the plot of Black Cat soon orz;;

Real talk, though, if someone you love is making you crazy, cut that negativity out of your life. Love shouldn't make you feel guilty, or sad, or any sort of negative emotion. You don't deserve to have someone else be the master of your universe.

-Rie