Title: Letter Read

Author: kerumica

Pairing: Gojyo/Sanzo (with bits of Gojyo/Hakkai, Sanzo/Goku, and Gojyo/special guest

Warning: pg13-Gojyo's gotta a bit of the potty mouth

Disclaimer: I don't a damn thing. Except a 24-ct pack of Paper Mate pens. Blue.

A/N: This is longer than anything I've posted to date. Also, the format is not what I usually do. That being said, there will probably be a shite-ton of grammar and punctuation errors. Add to that my anxiety at not really wanting to fiddle with this too much because I do like the idea I came up with and if I know me, I'll start making changes and then this never gets posted. So for now, enjoy. And happy 5/3-day!! :)

A/N 2: I had the world's most retarded experience with bring this over from Open Office. To make a long story short, this arrived as one long sentence. No spaces. I tried to fix it but after thirty minutes, I think my eyes might be bleeding or something. I hope I don't have to do it again. If so, I posted on my LJ (still didn't come out right over there either). Keep your fingers crossed that I can order my Word software this week. Part 2 should be up by 5/8. Also, the boys are very OOC and I've never been to a shrink so I don't know if this is how things work or not. Whatever! It's fan-fic, not fan-nonfic. Enjoy!!

March 2: Gojyo sat on the love seat across from the slender blond in glasses. He fidgeted with the sleeves on his sweater, looking down at his shoes. The room was slightly warmer than he had expected but then again, he was wearing a sweater. He had a t-shirt on underneath, but the bandages on his arms were less than appealing and gave away the real reason why Gojyo was in this man's office.

"Is there anything you want to talk about?" the blond asked, looking at the redhead over his glasses.

"Not really,' Gojyo said, still pulling at his sleeves.

April 4:

"Look doc, I'm not sure what you expect from me. I mean it's been a month already..." Gojyo trailed off. He hated thinking about why he had to come here in the first place.

"I'm here so that you can talk. That's all. Also, stop calling me doc. You're not Bugs Bunny and I'm not Elmer Fudd. Call me Sanzo if it makes you more comfortable."

April 28:

"The tulips are blooming. They look real pretty."

"I didn't know you were into gardening."

"I'm not. Hakkai is...was."

June 1:

"Goku says you're helping him at the basketball camp. How's it going?"

"It's fine. The kids are real cool. They seem to be enjoying themselves. Makes me wish I had something like that when I was a kid."

"What did you do instead?"

"..."

August 10:

"So, how is everything going?"

"Oh, great. Jien and I finally got the bar stools we wanted. Took a hell of a long time to haggle the guy down, but in the end we did it. I'm kinda psyched."

"You seem happy."

"I am. I think I actually slept through the night."

"And how has that been going?"

"It's rough. To have been with someone for a long time and then not wake up with them beside you...it's just weird. No, not weird, it feels cold. If that makes any sense."

August 17:

"So what happened?"

"I got this letter in the mail. Actually, it was for Hakkai. Some chick claiming to be his sister. But that's a fucking lie. Hakkai didn't have any family. He was an orphan, told me so. Why the fuck is she doing this?"

"Do you have the letter with you?"

Gojyo dug the crumpled letter out of his back pocket. "Here."

Sanzo read it over quickly and handed it back. "Do you think she's trying to take advantage of you?"

"How the hell would I know? She says she just wants to meet. I told her he was dead but she still wants to meet me."

"I think you should go. Maybe you can at least put a bit of closure this mystery."

September 21:

"How did it go today?"

"I don't know. I cried. She cried."

"Are you going to see her again?"

"Yeah, she says she wants to stay in touch. I don't know why though. Would you want to stay in touch with the man that killed your brother?"

"Is that how you see it?"

"Don't you?"

October 31:

"Sorry I haven't been around much. Things have been pretty busy with the bar and such..."

"How is Jien?"

"Oh he's good. Dating this new girl. Haven't met her yet."

"And you?"

"God no! Who would want to date a nut job like me?"

"What about you new neighbor? You said last time that he was attractive."

"Yeah but he just broke up with his boyfriend and moved here to make a fresh start."

Sanzo arched an eyebrow at him, "And you know this..."

"I overheard one the ladies talking about him while I was doing laundry."

November 9:

"I talked to Kanan today."

"Oh, and how is she?"

"Fine, I guess. She seemed kinda sad."

"How did you feel after talking to her?"

"Depressed. Like I had just spread my unhappiness around. Maybe I felt the need to share it. Who the hell knows."

"Do you think he would want you doing that?"

"What spread the unhappiness? Still being depressed? If I hadn't fucked up my suicide, I would be there with him right now."

"This is the first time you've ever mentioned your suicide. Do you want to talk about it now?"

"Yeah sure why the hell not..."

December 23:

"So, what are your plans for the holiday?"

"Nothing really. We're keeping the bar open, even on Christmas. Although Jien is going to be with his girlfriend."

"And Kanan?"

"She's coming in after Christmas. We thought we could hang out for a few days. She's got some friends in town and then we planned on having dinner a couple of nights. We're going to the grave site on Christmas day. I still have to give him his present."

"His present?"

"Yeah, I found it in January, during one of those after Christmas sales. It's a Rudolph sweater. He always got a kick out of wearing those silly things."

"Gojyo, how are feeling?"

"I'm good. I told you, I'm good..."

January 22: "Hey."

"How are you feeling today, Gojyo?"

"Tired." "How did you sleep?"

"Fine."

"Any dreams? Nightmares?"

"No more than usual."

"Do you want to talk about last time?"

"No."

February 13:

"..."

"Are you going to answer me?"

"I told you. I thought I might try to kill myself again. I thought it would be best if I was admitted."

"And?"

"And what? What the fuck do you want me say? I miss him okay! I miss the way he smiled at me in the morning while we ate breakfast. I miss the way he would sneak up on me in the shower, the way he would always hog the covers so that I would practically be sleeping on top of him to get warm. I miss the way he would just sit on the couch for hours and read. I miss...I miss...I miss everything. I want to die. I can't do this anymore. I can't live like this...I don't know what to do..."

February 14:

"And today?"

"Just slept. Kanan came by but I didn't see her. I just can't. Not right now. I remembered something."

"Would you tell me about it?"

"Not right now. Maybe later."

February 15: "

Can I tell you now? Tell you what I remembered."

"Of course. I would love to hear it."

"He didn't know how to swim. I know that sounds odd. The only reason I remembered is because we were gonna take scuba diving lessons on our honeymoon. Sounds silly huh?"

"No, not at all."

"He said he tried to learn once but it didn't work out."

"Was he willing to have you teach him?"

"Yeah, that was the other thing. I told him for a small fee I could make him the world's greatest swimmer. He said he would gladly pay the fee over and over again."

"Did you get a chance to teach him?"

"Nah, we both got busy. Him with school, me with the bar. I figured we could wait until we got there."

"Do you regret that?"

"What? Waiting? Yeah, kinda. I think we missed out on doing a lot of stuff because we were so busy."

July 3:

"So what are your plans for the holiday?"

"Well, we're having a barbecue at the bar. Jien's cooking the meat, I'm mixing the drinks. Hey, you should stop by. The more the merrier."

"I'll think about it. How is your personal life?" "Well, it's about the same as before. I went out with this guy Jien knows. It was okay I guess."

"What about your neighbor?"

"Well, we just talked that one time. I never really see him that much. He seemed really nice. He said something about taking care of his nephew for a few days. I didn't really ask too much about that."

"Why not?"

"Well, don't you think it's kind of odd for a grown man, a stranger, to be asking about a kid?"

"I can see your point."

"Yeah, so I figured the next time I ran into him, I could ask him out for coffee or something. What do you think?"

"This isn't about me, it's about you. What do you think?"

"I don't know. I mean it's just coffee, right?"

August 15:

"So how did your date go?"

"It was okay. He's really nice. I talked a little about Hakkai and he told me about his ex. I tried to remember what Goku said, about keeping the conversation flowing."

"And?"

"And I found out he's into gardening, mostly herbs and vegetables though. I told him about some of the books Hakkai had and he asked if he could come over and borrow them."

"And?"

"And I said yes. He's coming over tonight after he drops his nephew off."

"So how does that make you feel?"

"Nervous I guess. I haven't really had anyone over since Hakkai died. It'll feel kinda weird."

"Why do you think so?"

"Just because, I guess."

September 22:

"Well Sanzo, I took your advice."

"And what advice was that?"

"I went through Hakka's things. Kanan came over and helped. It was nice having her there. We decided to give a bunch to charity, some clothes and books and stuff."

"Did you decide to keep anything for yourself?"

"Yeah, there were a couple of books that I actually enjoyed. I was thinking about giving the gardening books to Tenpou but I didn't know how he would feel about that. We're going out tonight and I thought I would ask him then."

"Was that all you kept?"

"No, a few little nick-knacks, a sweater he liked, stuff like that."

"How do feel about that?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, how does it feel to start letting go?"

"But I'm not. Not really I mean I still wear his ring. And I still love him. It's not like I'm letting go. I'm just...I'm just opening myself up for something new."

"..."

"What?"

November 2:

"And then what happened?"

"Well, he got a phone call from his sister. Something about Konzen needing to go to the hospital. I asked if he wanted me to go with him but he said no."

"How did that make you feel?"

"I don't know."

"You don't?" "

No, not really. I don't know. Maybe I'm going to fast. Maybe I'm pushing for something that neither of us really wants."

"What are you going to do about it?"

"Who knows. Maybe I should take some time and think about where I want things to go with this guy."

November 30:

"How was you trip?"

"It was nice. I'm glad I got a chance to go and see Kanan. She's got a great apartment that overlooks the lake."

"So, did you have much time to think about why you left?"

"Yes and no."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, at first, I was trying not to think at all, you know. I did the whole tourist thing and all I could think of was 'I wonder if Tenpou would like this? I know Hakkai would.' It's creepy you know."

"Have you been doing that often?"

"What, comparing them you mean? Yeah, I kinda think so."

"Is there something about Tenpou that makes you think of Hakkai?"

"You mean aside from the fact that they look alike and the gardening? No, not really. Personality-wise, they're quite different."

"Tell me some of the things that make them different."

"Well, Hakkai was a neat freak, I mean like dusting every twenty minutes or so. Tenpou doesn't do that, not that he's messy or anything. Hakkai had his books alphabetized by author, Tenpou just puts them on the shelf. Tenpou smokes, Hakkai didn't..."

"I'm starting to notice something as well."

"Oh really, what?"

"You are speaking of Hakkai in the past tense."

"Really?"

December 30:

"What are you plans for the New Year?"

"Party at the bar of course. Hey, you should stop by. And invite anyone you want. It's an open invite to friends and customers."

"I'll think about it. How have you been?"

"Aw, you know me. Same old, same old."

"And how was Christmas?"

"It was actually pretty nice. Had dinner my Tenpou's place. Met his sister and nephew."

"How was that?"

"It was nice. His ex called."

"Really? How did that go?"

"He was a little upset. I think the guy wants to get back with him."

"And how do you feel about that?"

"Kinda pissed. I mean, this guy cheats on him, numerous times and when Tenpou finally leaves his ass, then he decides he wants straighten up and fly right. I mean, what the fuck is that?"

"How would you feel if he did leave?"

"I would still be pissed. Might go and track Kenren's ass down and beat the living shit out of him."

"Is that his name? Kenren?"

"Yeah. He's one total jackass."

February 15:

"Are you gonna ask me about yesterday?"

"Would you tell me?"

"Actually? Yeah, I would. I spent the day with Tenpou. We went to the cemetery with Kanan and then out to brunch. Afterwards, Tenpou and I spent the rest of the day together at his place."

"Are you not telling me something?"

"Yeah." "..."

"We had sex. For the first time."

"Are you upset by that?"

"You mean having sex with my new boyfriend on the anniversary of my dead fiancé's death? Doesn't that seem wrong to you?"

"No. It seems to me like you're trying to move on."

"Yeah, I guess."

"..."

"It was nice though."

May 4:

"What happened?"

"His sister's dying. She's got cancer. They only gave her three months to live, if that."

"What about her son?"

"Tenpou's gonna take him. Konzen's dad was killed in a car accident when he was two and there aren't any other family members."

"There's something more?"

"Yeah, Tenpou's moving. Across town to be near Konzen's school. He said it would be best and I agree. It's bad enough that the kid's mom is dying and he won't be able to live in his house anymore. Tenpou's looking for a bigger apartment."

"How are you feeling about this?"

"It'll be different at first. We'll make it work though. It's only a forty-five minute drive instead of a hop, skip and jump. No worries here."

September 6:

"How is the new apartment?"

"It's great. We really lucked out on getting that three bedroom."

"How does Konzen feel about having you there?"

"Actually, he told his shrink that he really liked having me there. I'm really good with math so I help him with his homework a lot."

"And things with you and Tenpou are going well?"

"Yeah. I was actually a little nervous about that but with him at the bookstore during the day and me at the bar at night, it's almost like it was before we moved in together. Is that weird to say?"

"No. Do you feel that your schedules interfere with your relationship in any way?"

"Actually, just the opposite. Since we are both business owners, we have way more free time to be together than if we worked for someone else. I think we've got the perfect thing going on."

October 1:

"I guess you heard from Goku already?"

"Yeah, I did. Congratulations. I'm really excited. Set a date yet?"

"Yeah, we were thinking New Year's Eve."

"Nice. We'll be there with bells on."

November 9:

"I guess I'm a little more nervous about this than I thought."

"Why?"

"It just seems too soon. I mean, shouldn't I still be mourning or something?"

"Again, why?"

"I don't know. I really don't know. I told Kanan. She's way too excited about it. Wants to know who's giving me away."

"You sound angry about that."

"Well, yeah I am. Who said I was the girl? Next thing you know, she'll be sending me bridal catalogues."

December 30:

"How ironic is this? I'm gaining my freedom today and losing it tomorrow."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, this is our last session."

"Yes it is. After this, you're a free man."

"Yeah, but then tomorrow, I get the old ball-and-chain. Whose idea was the double wedding again?"

"Mine."

"Oh yeah, right."

"It won't be that bad."

"You've never seen Tenpou when he's angry. It's a quiet kind of scary."

"All you have to do is not piss him off and you'll be able to keep your nuts."

"Sanzo, are you laughing at me?"

"Who, me? Why, that would be highly unprofessional."

"Yeah, yeah. Fine. See you tomorrow then?"

"With bells on my friend."