Courage

Courage

SBHG- Angst, Sensitive Topic/Issue/Theme, AU
Summary: Hermione suffers from anorexia although no-one knows; well she thinks no-one knows. Someone in fact does know and confronts her about it. What will be the outcome? Lyrics- Courage by Superchick. Song lyrics are in italics and bold. Diary entries are in underline. Bold are the words of the part of Hermione's mind that want to keep fighting and italic underline is the side telling her to give up. References to Anorexia and cutting- sorry if it offends.

Hermione POV

I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games

I pulled out my little, black, leather bound diary from under my mattress, picked up my pen and began to write. 'I told yet another lie today to my foster family (the Weasleys, Remus, Tonks, Sirius and Harry). I made it through this day, no one saw through the games I play to dodge the one thing I hate the most- eating.'

I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well"
"I ate before I came"

'I know exactly what to say when I am offered food. Usually it is "I don't feel too good" or "I ate before I came" and it seems to work every time.

I put down my book and remembered the day's events.

FLASHBACK

I walked into the Burrow. I called out "HELLO?!"

"Oh Hermione. How are you? Everyone is out the back. I wasn't expecting you. Come on, I'll set a place setting for you." Molly Weasley said as she rushed and hugged me.

I pulled away and shook my head. "Molly, it's ok. I ate before I came. I was on my way out to meet a few muggle friends. We are going shopping. So everyone is out the back you say?"

Molly nodded and we walked outside.

Then someone tells me how good I look
and for a moment
For a moment I am happy

I walked outside and was greeted with the sight of my happy friends. "Mione!" Ginny yelled. She, Luna and Tonks raced over to me and hugged me.

"Geez girl," Tonks said "You look amazing. What have you been doing?"

When Tonks said this, I felt pride swell up inside me. It only lasted a moment though because I knew tomorrow she would go back on her word and say I was fat.

But when I'm alone
No one hears me cry

END FLASHBACK

I got home tonight after spending the day with my muggle friends who also commented on my weight loss. The feelings of euphoria washed away and I threw myself onto my bed and cried.

I noticed something weird today. Sirius was staring at me. I was actually afraid. What if he thought I was ugly and that I shouldn't be a witch? Oh god. I cried even harder. It would kill me if he thought that

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light

I need all my friends to know I'm not ok. I just can't tell them. They will force me to eat. Eating makes me fat. There are days when I lie in bed, I can feel myself deteriorating. I see a bright light and I want to walk towards it but the know-it-all bookworm, conscious part of my mind shouts at me Are you mad? Keep fighting. It's just not that simple.

I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

You'll be ok Hermione. Together we'll make it through another day. My conscious says to me but usually, this starts the voices in my head up. They say Hermione. You are ugly. You need to starve yourself to be beautiful. Everyone that looks at you thinks you're ugly.

"GET OUT OF MY HEAD!" I scream into the nothingness. The voice mocks me as I try to sleep.

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat

I can't pinpoint the moment in my life when I realised I was ugly. But whatever day it was, it was the day I chose to stop eating. I think it was around the time my parents were killed and I realised I had nothing to live for. The pain of my stomach being empty dulled the pain I felt at their loss.

Actually, I lie. It was around the time when Sirius was dating his girlfriend. Her name was Sandy. She was beautiful, tall thin and blonde. I have had a crush on Sirius since I was fifteen. When I met this woman, she was perfect. Perfect hair, perfect teeth, perfect smile and most of all perfect weight. She didn't have the stomach that I had. She had no flaws. She was everything I wasn't and I knew Sirius could never love me.

What I do know is how I changed my life forever
I know I should know better

I know that this day changed my life forever. Oh god, I know I should know better. I'm the freaking Gryffindor know-it-all, one third of the Golden Trio who defeated Voldemort and yet I am slowly killing myself.

There are days when I'm okay
And for a moment
For a moment I find hope

There are some days in my dismal existence when I feel ok. I feel hope. These are the days that I see Sirius. I feel so safe around him. I feel like I can beat the demons inside of me.

But there are days when I'm not okay
And I need your help
So I'm letting go

But whenever I don't see him, I feel so bad. I do more than just starve myself on these days. I let go completely. I do the worst thing imaginable- I cut. I run the blade down my wrist and relish the feeling of warm blood trickling down my thin wrists. I hide the scars though.

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light

I need Sirius to know. He needs to know what is happening to me. He needs to know that almost every night I fight for my life.

I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

In my head, can hear the words I want Sirius to say to me. 'We'll be ok. Together we'll make it through the day.'

Sirius POV

You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when but I know now

I know about Hermione. When she came to the Weasleys the other day, whilst no-one else could see it, I saw it. She is so thin, her ribs are sticking out. Her dress was loose but you could tell. When the wind blew past her and her dress latched onto her skin, I saw her bones. Every time she comes to the Weasleys she makes up excuses for not eating and if she does eat, it's very little. In fact, I haven't seen her eat a proper meal in months.

Hermione's secrets have built walls around her. I need to break through those walls and help her.

Together we'll make it through somehow
Together we'll make it through somehow

She needs to know she isn't alone. I'll always be there for her. We'll make it through together… somehow.'

Hermione POV

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light

As I was sitting reading a book in my flat, I heard someone knock on my door. I totally forgot that I was wearing little to cover my protruding bones as I answered the door. I came face to face with Sirius. When he looked at my body his eyes hardened and he said harshly "You and me need to talk."

I nodded. I was terrified by the look in his eyes.

We walked into my lounge room and sat down on the lounge chairs.

"What's up Sirius?" I asked. Sirius growled before replying "Hermione, stop playing dumb. You and I both know you have an eating disorder and I'm going to help you."

I looked at him and it was as if my walls came crashing down. I threw myself into his arms and cried. "Oh Sirius. Every night I fight the voices saying I should die but I always lose. I'm weak. You shouldn't try and help me. I'll just bring you down with me."

Sirius POV

I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

I looked down at the young woman in my arms. My heart broke. I kissed her head and said "You will never bring me down. I'm going to help you rise. I need you to know, that you'll, we'll be ok. I'll help you make it through if you let me."

Hermione looked up at me and said "I'll let you if you kiss me."

I was stunned. My shock lasted a second before I realised that I had been fighting my feelings for this young woman all along. I bent my head down and kissed her gently on her pink lips.

That night, Hermione decided that she did need help. I helped her pack and we left for America where the best wizarding clinics were for people suffering from anorexia. It would be a long, hard road ahead but we were determined for Hermione to get better.

THREE YEARS LATER

Harry POV

It has been three years since I last saw my best friend and godfather. We received a letter from Sirius that shocked us. The contents of the letter had Molly in tears claiming she had neglected her 'daughter', it had Tonks, Luna and Ginny screaming saying "We should have known" and it had all us guys, absolutely bloody terrified that we hadn't noticed.

The letter read:

Dear, Harry, Luna, Remus, Tonks and Weasleys.

It's Sirius aka Padfoot here. I am at present writing from Hermione's apartment. She is just now in her room packing everything she owns. We are leaving England and don't know when we will be back.

Hermione has been hiding a terrible secret from us these past few months. Hermione has been battling anorexia. We have gone and checked into a clinic with the hopes that Hermione will be able to beat her anorexia.

As soon as we return, we will let you know.

Love

Sirius (and Hermione)

That was two years ago. Ginny and I had gotten married, as had Remus and Tonks and Ron and Luna. Now all the Weasleys kids were married. There were also a few children.

Fleur and Bill had a two year old son named Andrew and Fred and Angelina had a one year old daughter that they named Mya. George and Katie were expecting a baby as were Charlie and his wife Brigitte.

I missed both Sirius and Hermione terribly. In the Weasley household you couldn't mention Hermione without having Molly burst into tears. Molly felt like she had failed Hermione.

Ginny came home from work today very excited about something. She wouldn't tell me what it was only that we were going to the Burrow for a big family dinner.

Well I had better go get ready.

Ginny POV

Oh my god. I just found out I am pregnant. 3 months along. I can't wait to tell everyone.

I just wish Hermione could be here. When I heard she had anorexia, I felt so awful that I didn't notice.

I want her to be here. I want my best friend back so that when I need to complain to someone about my growing stomach, she'll just listen to me vent then give me ice-cream.

Ohh gotta go get ready.

Normal POV

Ginny and Harry walked into the kitchen of the Burrow and were automatically pulled into a hug by Molly.

"Come now you two sit down. Dinner is just about to be served." Molly said.

Hermione POV

Sirius and I walked up the laneway to the Burrow, hands clasped together. I had gone through 2 years of painful rehabilitation but I am now over my anorexia. It was a hard road. I'm surprised that Sirius didn't leave me. I would hurl abuse at him, blame him, hit him but in the end I would always love him. I have put my weight back on and have reached a healthy 68 kilograms. I don't feel fat anymore and with my wonderful, caring husband (yes husband) by my side, I can't wait to put more weight on with the growth of our first child inside of me.

We reached the front door of the Burrow and stopped.

Sirius kissed me chastely on the lips and rubbed by 5 month baby bump protectively.

"You ready?" Sirius asked me.

I nodded and kissed him quickly before we walked into the house that was always filled with warmth.

We walked up to the kitchen and heard Ginny announce "Well, I have big news for you all. I'm 3 months pregnant."

I heard Molly cry "Oh dear heavens. My baby girl is having her own little baby. I'm so proud."

Sirius and I knew it was time for us to enter the room. We opened the door and I said "Ginny darling, now we can bitch about these pains we affectionately call our children when they kick together."

Ginny POV

We finished dinner and I cleared my throat. "Well, I have some big news for you all. I am 3 months pregnant."

Everyone gasped. Harry smiled before he kissed me hard on the lips and swung me around. Mum then cried out "Oh dear heavens. My baby girl is having her own little baby. I am so proud."

Everyone smiled but that stopped when the kitchen door opened and Sirius and Hermione walked in. "Ginny darling, now we can bitch about these pains we affectionately call our children when they kick together." Hermione said with a grin.

"Hermione, is that really you?" Mum asked carefully.

Hermione nodded, you could see the tears sparkling in her eyes. Mum raced up to her and hugged her fiercely. "I'm so sorry." Became mum's mantra as she kissed Hermione.

Hermione got out of her grip only to have Harry, Ron and Remus pull her and Sirius into a big hug.

I got her next. Tonks and Luna joined me and we squealed. I was shocked when I felt something hard against my stomach. I looked down and saw Hermione's belly. She had a small, yet noticeable bump in her tummy.

I looked up at her and noticed she was grinning. "You're…?" I stuttered.

Hermione nodded before I squealed and hugged her tight again.

Tonks POV

When Hermione walked through that door with Sirius I couldn't help but squeal.

Ginny, Luna and I hugged her. I hugged her side on considering my 6 month baby bump got in my way. Ginny looked down at Hermione's stomach and smiled. I noticed too and all of a sudden we were all squealing and hugging again.

"Oh baby, we are so sorry we didn't notice." I said.

Hermione smiled at me and said "Tonks hunny, its ok. I am good at keeping secrets. I still have days where I feel fat and think I shouldn't eat but, Sirius has always helped me. No matter how much of a bitch I have been."

At that moment Sirius came up to us and wrapped an arm around Hermione's waist. He kissed her temple and whispered something in her ear. Hermione nodded before she turned around, only to be met by the scream of Molly and all the other Weasley women.

Hermione POV

Sirius came up to me. He wrapped an arm around my waist kissed my temple and whispered "Molly has set places for us. They don't know you're pregnant yet. They haven't seen your tummy. It's time to announce everything."

I nodded before slowly turning around. Molly and the other Weasley women screamed when they saw my belly. Molly came up to me and gently touched my stomach. "How far along?" she asked carefully.

"Five months." I replied. I could feel Sirius glowing with pride.

"Oh Hermione." Was all Molly said before she pulled me back into a hug. She whispered to me "I'll help you with everything." I nodded and pulled away.

"Well, 'ermione. Who's ze father?" Fleur asked.

I smiled and said simply "My husband."

Molly gasped and I laughed as all jaws dropped. "You're married?" Harry stuttered.

I nodded and lifted my left hand to show them all my ring. Ginny and Tonks and Luna grabbed my hand and examined the ring.

"Geez Mione. He is loaded whoever he is. This ring must have cost a fortune." Luna said.

Sirius smiled and said "Yeah I am loaded but the ring was an heirloom. My favourite uncle gave it to me. He gave it to his wife and they were married for 85 years so I thought it would bring us luck."

Everyone gasped again at Sirius' words. Molly looked at me for confirmation. When I nodded she smiled and hugged us both again.

"Congratulations you two. Now I have been deprived the pleasure of planning my second daughter's wedding so I am going to plan a huge party to celebrate your return, the impending birth of all your children, your marriage to Sirius and of course you beating your anorexia" Molly said.

I smiled as she and the other Weasley women began to plan the party. Sirius came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my baby bump. He kissed my neck and we smiled as we gazed at our family.

"You glad to be back?" He asked.

"I'm glad that you gave me the courage to never give up and come back. I love you so much Sirius." I said with a nod as I spun in his arms.

Sirius kissed me before reply "I love you too baby."

I turned around again and placed my hands on his. This is how everything should be. I'm glad I had the courage to win.

Finis