A note from the author: This universe kinda exists solely in my head, if you haven't been able to figure that out. Now that I've finally written this, I honestly don't think it's very funny, but that's just my opinion.
I'll get back to the Transformers stuff afterwards, but this bunny's really been bitting lately and I just had to write it.
Silent Hill, Pyramid Head, Closers, Double Heads, and Bloodsuckers don't belong to me, but if they did, I'd be in heaven. Seriously, it's like a sin to have lived and never played Silent Hill, it's such an awesome video game series!
Burger King doesn't belong to me either. Or Tiny Tim... Thank god.
Troy heard a loud squishing sound as he stepped down on the pavement. He looked down and saw that he had stepped on a mutilated squirrel. "Damn cats," he said as he continued walking towards the door.
Upon opening the door, his friend and roommate, Matt, rapidly rushed to greet him. He noticed the blood on his boots. "Ooh… You stepped on the squirrel, huh? Sorry about that… Pyrie brought it home with him."
"Hmm… I thought it was a cat- Wait, who's Pyrie?" he demanded.
"Well, I was driving along in my car, and I kinda ran a stop sign and ran over Pyramid Head," Matt explained.
"You ran over Pyramid Head?!" Troy flipped. "What is wrong with- Wait, who's Pyramid Head?"
"Haven't you ever played Silent Hill?" Matt asked.
"You ran over a video game character?" Troy said, thinking his friend had finally lost it.
"Yeah. If you don't believe me, he's in the living room," Matt pointed towards their living room. Sure enough, Pyramid Head was sitting on the couch.
"You ran over a video game character and then brought him here?!" Troy flipped again.
"I couldn't leave him there! What if he was injured, or dying?" Matt reasoned.
Troy turned his head to the living room. Pyramid Head was sitting on the couch with his feet up on the coffee table. He was drinking a beer and watching Spongebob. He looked over and noticed that Troy was looking at him and waved. Troy looked back at Matt. "Yeah… It really looks like you did a number on him," he said sarcastically. "Now make him leave."
"I can't do that!" Matt protested.
"Yeah? Why not?"
"To make up for hitting him with my car, I told him he could stay here for a while! Won't that be fun?" Matt explained cheerfully.
Troy just about died of a heart attack. "I hate you, you know that?"
"What's wrong? He won't be a problem!" his friend begged.
"Remember when you brought back a Cerberus puppy from your trip to Greece and told me it wouldn't be a problem? Then it went and ate the neighbor's cat and then the neighbor?" Troy answered with a glare.
"That's different! Pyrie isn't a giant three-headed dog!" Matt protested.
"Alright… But he's your responsibility," Troy warned.
"Yay!" Matt screamed as he ran into the living room and plopped down on the couch. Pyramid Head turned to look at him, then looked back at the TV.
Matt picked up a newspaper and started reading it. "Hey look! It's one of those 'missing persons' cases! Oh hey, I know that guy! He's hanging upside down in the basement with his guts missing and his eyes gouged out!" Pyramid Head sat silently, stitching something together under the table.
"Hey, Matt… Can I talk to you for a minute?" Troy called from the living room.
"Sure, Troy! Just give me a second!" he said happily as he sat up. He ran into the living room and plopped down on the couch next to Troy. "What is it, buddy?" he asked.
"Our new roommate left a 'present' in my shower this morning," Troy growled as he held up a voodoo doll of him hanging from a noose. A picture of his face was pinned to the doll's visage. Pyramid Head growled from the kitchen. "What did he say?"
"He said, 'It wasn't a present, it was a threat'. Apparently he's not too happy about having to sleep in the living room. He says he wants his own bed," Matt said.
"After he redecorated the living room, I don't think I want to let him sleep anywhere else!" Troy grumbled.
"Why not? The place looks great! I mean, look at the new curtains! I just love the material! It looks so much like real human skin! Hey, why are the couch cushions all squishy and funny smelling?" Matt's wonder turned to confusion.
"He didn't like the feel of the stuffing, so he tore it all out and replaced it with human organs," Troy explained.
"Hmm… Wonder where he got the organs from?" Matt questioned.
"Yeah, me too… By the way, that cranky neighbor lady says her husband went missing last night, so if you see him, let her know," Troy said as he stood up. "I have to go to work. Keep him busy and out of trouble while I'm gone."
"You got it!" Matt said. He ran into the kitchen, where Pyramid Head just finished stitching together a pillow cover made of human flesh. "Wow, Pyrie! You could be the next Martha Stewart!" Matt admired. Pyramid Head silently cheered.
"Troy says we gotta go do stuff. C'mon!" Matt said as he and Pyramid Head went out the door.
(If this were a movie, Tiny Tim's "Living In The Sunlight, Loving In The Moonlight" would be playing through this scene… Seriously, listen to it while you read the next paragraph, it kinda makes it funnier) Matt and Pyramid Head spent the day having fun. They went scuba diving in the neighbor's pool. Matt pranced through a field of flowers with Pyramid Head slowly drudging behind, dragging his Great Knife with him. They both got perms at the local salon. Matt got Pyramid Head some ice cream, which he smeared on the front of his helmet in a futile attempt at eating it. Matt pranced through the flowers again in the opposite direction, with Pyramid Head again drudging behind. They skateboarded through the park, Pyramid Head again drudging slowly behind Matt. Matt taught Pyramid Head to hula hoop. Lastly, they played a game of baseball where Matt threw the ball at Pyramid Head, who stood there and let it bounce off his helmet.
"That was fun, wasn't it Pyrie?" Matt said to his friend as they returned home wearing Burger King crowns. "Well, I'm off to bed now! G'night!" he said to Pyramid Head as he went up to his room to sleep.
He returned downstairs with the severed head that the executioner had left on his pillow. "Pyrie! I found the head you were looking for!" he called to him as he tossed the head onto the couch. Pyramid Head nodded in response.
"Troy! Troy! He's gone!" Matt ran into the kitchen whining.
"Yeah, I know. He left you a note," Troy responded.
"He did? Really?" Matt said as he picked up a note from the table and began to read it.
"Dear Max, or whatever your name is,
I regret to inform you that I have decided to return home this morning. One of my Closer buddies, Chester, is probably wreaking all sorts of mayhem with his chicken-like intelligence, and I need to feed my pet Double Head before he eats the neighbors again. I had lots of fun staying over, and I hope to come visit again sometime. Hope you like the redecorating I did for you! I left you a present in the fridge!
Love, Pyramid Head
P.S. Learn to drive, asshole!"
"He left me a present?" Matt said happily. He opened the fridge, and was greeted by a Bloodsucker that popped out and grabbed ahold of him. "Aww! How cute! He's sucking out all my body fluids! I think I'll call him Sucky!"
Troy stared in shock and horror as Matt allowed Sucky to suck him dry. "Hey Troy, I feel dizzy!" Matt said excitedly before he passed out on the floor.