Epilogue

I would like to think that my life started that night with Wufei in my arms. And in a way, it did. The two months I spent up to that point were just a maze where I desperately tried to find my footing in this strange new world.

I was mostly drifting until the hunt for my favourite tea begun. It gave me a purpose and it gave me the hope that I would get to reclaim something of my own, on my own, not just accepting what other people told me about myself.

But the tea hunt had finally reached its end, letting me find the treasure at the end of the rainbow.

Lying there in that bed, with my long lost Fei-Fei in my arms I made myself a promise.

I was never going to drink again and I would never again tell a lie.

Those two things destroyed my life and I had no room for them in my new, hopefully improved life.

I didn't know how I was going to make it up to Fei, but I swore that I would do my best.

:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

Looking back it might not have been the best decision for us to just fall into bed together, but at the time it felt right.

The morning after was a bit awkward but we talked a lot and decided that we should start dating before we made any real commitment.

It started out well; we went to dinner followed by a movie. I was just going to walk him home, nothing more. It was just that our goodnight kiss kind of got a life of its own and I ended up face down on the kitchen table.

We tried again a few days later but with the same result. We kind of gave up on the whole dating thing after that, deciding to see how it worked out on its own.

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

It took a long time before Wufei could fully relax around me.

He would be fine most of the time but if I raised my voice in any way, it didn't matter if it was directed at the football game on TV or a loud curse over a paper cut, Wufei would still flinch and get this scared look in his eyes. You don't know shame until you look into the eyes of the one you love and see fear; fear for what you might do and know that it was justified.

I quickly learned to hold my temper.

This much to Wufei's surprise, since I'd apparently always been temperamental. I wouldn't know since I didn't really know how I was before. Not knowing something so obvious can be very frustrating, so I asked Wufei, who I knew would tell me the truth, to describe me.

We were in the middle of a walk through the park, enjoying sunshine, when I asked him. At first he was quiet as his attention was turned inwards, then a smile spread over his face.

"You just had this way of sharing your happiness, like it was rolling off you in waves that couldn't help but hit the people around you."

The wind blew softly, ruffling his long dark hair, and I was once again hit with the knowledge that my lover was absolutely beautiful. I walked a little closer so that my hand could brush against his, wanting to take it but unable to bring myself to do so. Not while we were talking about this.

Wufei pushed a piece of flowing hair behind his ear before speaking. "You were very social. You could meet someone in the store and five minute later you had a new best friend."

"And the bad qualities?" I asked, because I knew they were there.

Wufei hesitated. "I wouldn't call them bad qualities. It was just that you often got restless. You couldn't relax, couldn't sit still. If you weren't moving, you were drumming your fingers on something, or your leg was jumping up and down." Wufei tilted his head in thought. "You were quick both to happiness and anger. It didn't take much to make you angry, but at the same time, it wasn't hard to make you happy again."

We walked quietly for a moment. All around us people were setting up picnics in the sun, children were playing and a game of football was going on further away. I stamped down on the instinct to chase when I saw a white ball fly through the air.

"We could never really do this before," he said, taking a hold of my hand, lacing our fingers together with a sad, but strangely happy, smile. "We could jog or run but never just walk without a purpose."

A couple of giggling kids ran past us, closely followed by an overweight black Labrador. I watched Wufei watch them with a smile. After a moment, dark eyes turned back to me. "You are a lot calmer now; it doesn't feel like I have to rush to keep up with you anymore."

"That's good, right?"

"Very," he laughed. "You are also easier to talk to now, more open."

I lit up, because to me those words were worth more than anything. In a strange sort of way, I felt like I was competing against myself for Wufei's affection, because no matter how much I didn't want to be that man again, I couldn't help but fear that Wufei loved him more than me.

"You actually tell me what's on your mind instead of doing the macho, strong and silent routine," he sighed with a frown. "I hated that. Hated having to guess what was going on in your head instead of having you just open your goddamned mouth and tell me," Wufei muttered, unconsciously increasing his speed. "Because nooo, Duo Maxwell could solve anything on his own. Never asking for help or advice and the world would clearly end if he asked for directions."

I let myself be dragged along; grinning like a fool as he kept complaining about me, or more exactly, the old me's many faults.

I don't know for sure what it was like for me to grow up but whatever happened, it was that that shaped me into a restless, somewhat wild guy who couldn't be trusted. But whatever it was, it was gone now.

-:-:-:-:-:-:--:-:-:-:-:-:-

I still kept contact with a couple of my old friends, but most of them didn't understand this 'new me,' as everyone called it.

I think that the crucial falling out that I had with most of my old crew was at a birthday party for one of my friends.

I was invited about a week before and of course the first thing I did was to tell Wufei. Over the three weeks since I met him, I had made it into a habit to confide in Wufei, who I considered to be the only one who always told me the truth.

But this time, Wufei didn't react like he usually did. On a normal occasion he would be happy for me, ask questions and let me ramble.

But when I told him about the birthday party, something that in my eyes was totally innocent and just a chance to catch up with those of my friends that I genuinely liked, Wufei closed off. It wasn't like he stopped paying attention or anything like that, his face just went blank and he left the room to lock himself in the bathroom.

I was pretty much frantic by the time he finally came out and it wasn't until I begged him, promising him everything, swearing that I wouldn't go to that party, that he unlocked the door.

His eyes were red when he stepped out. Hesitating with a hand on the door handle, he looked up at me and told me that I should go to the party. I refused but Wufei just shook his head, telling me that it was something that I needed to do.

Wufei was twitchy for hours before I left, refusing to tell me why. He roamed around the house, picking at things, straightening pillows and drinking endless amounts of tea.

One of the guys that I considered to be a close friend came and picked me up at Wufei's house. I watched a very stiff greeting play out between Wufei and my friend, like they could only stand being around each other for my sake. Wufei wouldn't look at me as I left, instead he just turned on his heel and marched quickly into the house. For a moment I just looked at the violet glass on the door, wanting nothing more than to go back in there. But instead I turned, following my friend down the garden path and out past the iron gate.

In the car I couldn't help but ask my friend why their greeting was so cold.

The large man grimaced and rubbed a hand over his shaved chin. "The guy just rubs me the wrong way, I have no idea how you put up with him."

"He's a great guy," I replied defensively.

My friend sighed. "If you say so. I'm surprised that he let you come along."

I straightened up, suddenly curious. "Why? How was he before?"

My friend snorted with a sneer and I repressed the urge to defend my lover again. "The guy would throw a fit every time we were going to a party, especially one of Bobby's parties."

"Bobby's? The same Bobby that we are going to right now?" I had a very bad feeling about this.

"The one and only," he replied with a grin as I leaned back, feeling slightly apprehensive for what was about to come.

At the party it didn't take me long before I understood Wufei's strange behaviour over the last few days. I barely had time to get through the door before someone offered me alcohol, telling me if I wanted something a little extra, I should find Erin. At first I didn't understand but then I took a closer look around.

The apartment was filled with drinking, dancing and laughing people. A normal party on the surface, but then you noticed the glazed-over look in their eyes, the over the top laughter and that the guy in the middle of the room who was holding a conversation with the smoke detector.

Erin turned out to be a tall Barbie-doll woman in a far-too-revealing dress. She greeted me happily, telling me that she had all my favourites and since I was one of her best customers, I would get a special price on anything I wanted. She seemed almost insulted when I told her that I didn't want anything.

"Back together with The Stick, I presume," she said, looking at me with distaste.

It wasn't hard to figure out who 'The Stick' was. I wanted to defend him, yell at her how great Wufei was, how grateful I was to have him – not to mention punch her in the face. But I didn't. If getting Wufei back taught me anything, it was to not give into that anger. Instead I simply glared.

"I'll take that as a yes," she said, throwing that long blonde hair over her shoulder, bringing attention to her huge pushed-up breasts. "God Duo, why don't you just put on a leash and a collar and have done with it." With that she walked off on her thin red high heels.

But I kept my promise to myself and kept away from the alcohol, not to mention Erin's stash.

I walked around among all the partying people. I was restless, never staying in one place longer then a few minutes.

Everyone there knew me, asking me where the hell I've been and if I wanted a 'lift up.' Every single one of them was surprised when I said no.

All the time as I was there, I kept thinking that this was where I spent my time instead of with Wufei. This is what I chose over love.

My friends tried to pull me into 'the party mood' but I just couldn't bring myself to relax. In the end I gave up and left. I didn't even tell anyone that I was leaving. They probably didn't even notice.

It was dark and slightly chilly outside and I took a deep breath of the fresh night air. Behind me I could hear the party still going strong, music, people laughing. I started as a glass bottle smashed to pieces against the concrete further away from me. Glancing up at the over-filled balcony and all the smoking and drinking people there, a feeling of distaste and self-loathing washed over me. It only got worse as someone up there recognized me, calling out to me like I belonged among them.

I shook my head, waved half-heartedly at whoever was calling out to me, and left. I took the time to think as I walked. I just couldn't understand how I could enjoy that chaos, how I managed to befriend all those out of control people. They all knew me and treated me like one of them. And maybe I was. Just another druggie with the rest of them.

I shivered, zipping my sheepskin leather jacket up to the top.

It was late and I knew that I should go back to my parents' house, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I felt knocked out of focus, like back when I tried to fit into the world around me while not knowing a thing about it or myself. I hurried forward, almost feeling like I was running from someone. Or maybe I was just running from myself.

There was only one person that I trusted to ground me and I steered my steps towards him.

The streets were dark and quiet around me. Not a soul was out. Just me, and the darkness that was creeping up on me. I hurried along.

Then Wufei's small house came into view and relief flooded me. The low iron gate screeched as I quickly pushed it open, just about stumbling up to the door. I hesitated with my thumb against the doorbell. It was late and Wufei was most likely already in bed.

I almost left but the darkness loomed over my shoulder. Fear and common sense crashed together. I wanted to see my Fei-Fei, but at the same time I didn't want to bother him with my problems. I took my thumb off the doorbell, choosing instead to knock. If Wufei didn't hear it, he was most likely asleep and I would leave. I raised my fist to the violet glass, knocking it gently. Everything was quiet and dark. My hopes were falling but I decided to knock one more time, a little louder. I put a bit more force behind my knocks, hoping that he was awake. 'Please be awake.' I begged, leaning my forehead against the cool glass.

Then I could see a small light being lit through the blurry window on the door and my heart soared. Wufei was awake.

But for a long time, everything was quiet. There was no one coming towards the door and no more lights being lit. "Fei?" I asked with a slightly raised voice to make myself heard through the door. I thought I heard quiet steps but I wasn't sure.

Then the sharp click of the lock was heard before the handle was pressed down. I leaned back, as the door slowly opened.

"Duo?" Wufei asked in a tense voice. He looked terrified to see me standing there in the dark and it just broke my heart.

I realised just how this might look, and how often he must have opened this door in the middle of the night with the violent druggie that I used to be on the other side. "I didn't drink or anything." I blurted, inching backwards behind the barely open door.

Some of the tension dropped from Wufei's shoulders and he let go of the door handle. "Do you want to come in?" The light coming from inside Wufei's warm, inviting home called out to me and I wanted nothing more then to belong in that light.

I squirmed, feeling like I was asking for something I didn't have any right to, "It's late, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come." I took a step back into the shadows.

But before I could walk away, a hand reached out, taking a hold of my wrist. The warmth of Wufei's palm soaked through my shirt, heating my skin. "It's okay Duo, I was still up. You're always welcome," he said softly, taking another hold on my arm. "Come on in, Duo."

Feeling like a vampire being let into the house of the innocent, I let myself be led over the threshold.

"Come, I'll make you some tea." He didn't let go of my arm as we walked through the hallway, into the kitchen.

While Wufei busied himself with the tea, I sat down on the chair that I, for the last three weeks, considered to be my chair.

I put my elbows up on the table, leaning forward to hide my face in my hands. For a long stretch of time we both just existed, isolated, as if the distance between us was further than the mind could envision "You knew, didn't you." It wasn't a question.

A metallic click was heard, most likely from Wufei's tea jar. "Yes."

"So why did you let me go if you knew what kind of party it was?" I asked, looking over at him. I couldn't see his face, but by the look of his tense back, he was far from happy.

Wufei sighed, his head hanging low. "I didn't want to. But... I'm not totally blameless in all this. I mean, nothing I did or said ever worked but I just kept trying, kept pushing. In the end, I might just have made things worse." He paused, leaning heavily on the counter, his hands gripping the edge. "I just thought... you told me that you weren't going back to the way things were, but you needed to know what 'back then' really meant and I just..." Wufei trailed off.

I took a shaky breath, leaning forward with my arms resting limply on the table. "And you trusted me not to do anything."

"I hoped," Wufei sighed as he pulled himself together, straightening up to take care of the boiling water on the stove. I looked away; let my eyes fly over the room, not taking in anything beyond the other man in it. I leaned back in my chair, my long braid digging into my spine.

My eyes went back to my love. I watched him as he got two mugs down from their shelf, pouring the tea into them while I tried to imagine what it must have been like for him to let me walk out that door, knowing what could happen. The thoughts that must have gone through his mind, the fear, the helplessness… I didn't want him to have to feel that and I wanted even less for me to be the cause of it.

I was brought out of my thoughts as a steaming mug was lowered to the table in front of me. The hot steam drifted up over my face. I took a deep breath through my nose, letting the comforting smell of my favourite tea invade my senses. Wufei pulled out 'his' chair and sat down on the other side of the table.

I wanted to look over at him, but I was afraid to meet his eyes. The shame still lingered in me, holding me tightly, looming over me like a dark shadow. Instead I pulled the English fruit tea bag out of my mug, spinning the thread around the spoon with the wet bag resting on it, forcing the fluid out. I slowly lowered it down onto the small porcelain plate that Wufei always put on the table for this exact purpose.

The mug was hot against my skin as I wrapped my hands around it. Almost too hot, but I did not let it go.

The room was quiet, all except the soft, metallic ticking of the clock on the wall as we both stared down into our dark tea.

I took a careful sip. As always, the slightly bitter taste washed over me, bringing up memories of the happiest times that I could remember. But now was not the time for it, not with that darkness still present in the back of my mind. I pushed the mug away from me, crossing my arms on top of the table. I could feel Wufei's eyes on me.

"So were all the parties I went to like that?" I asked quietly, lying my head down on my crossed arms, glancing over at my lover for the first time.

Wufei shrugged, steering his spoon around in the mug. "I wouldn't know. I just went to a couple of them, but that never worked out all that well."

"How come?" I hooked a finger through the handle of the mug in front of me, rubbing it, feeling the heat of the tea through it.

Wufei smiled crookedly, lifting his spoon up, tapping it off against the edge before putting it down on the plate next to my teabag. "Because apparently I'm a total party pooper."

He took a sip from his tea, leaning back in his chair as he put his feet up on the empty chair on the other side of the table. "I could never relax during those parties. I always kept an eye on what you were doing so you wouldn't accept any of the drugs or drink too much. It was very draining and I was fighting a losing battle without allies. The final straw was when some girl named Erin tried to force me to sniff cocaine off her breasts." Wufei grimaced. "Everyone might have thought it was hilarious but I sure didn't."

"What did I think?" I asked quietly, hoping for the best but fearing the worst.

"I don't know, you weren't there."

I closed my eyes. That really said it all, didn't it?

"But-." Wufei cut himself off with a tired sigh before continuing. "It wasn't until after I stopped coming along that you started with the drugs."

God, it sounded like he was blaming himself. That was just so wrong, it wasn't his fault.

I reached out, taking a tight hold around Wufei's hand, trying to make him understand. "It wasn't your fault, it was all mine."

Wufei gave me a sad smile, rubbing his trapped thumb against the palm of my hand. "You don't even remember doing it."

I licked my lips, holding his hand tightly. "It wasn't because of you, you kept me floating, I just was too stupid to help myself." I didn't know where the words were coming from but from the bottom of the void that filled my mind I knew that all the shit that happened was never because of Wufei.

Wufei smiled. "Thank you." He let go of his mug, putting his heated hand over mine, squeezing it. "Come on, let's go to bed."

I nodded. My night had been more than a little draining and to get some sleep was very tempting.

Together we went through what over the last few weeks had turned into our evening ritual.

Wufei locked the door, I made sure that the windows were closed. Wufei turned off the lights in the living room, I turned them off in the kitchen. I got undressed and unreeled my hair as Wufei went to the bathroom. Then Wufei changed as I got my turn in the bathroom. Wufei pulled down the blinds in the bedroom, I took off the bed cover. Wufei got into the bed and made himself comfortable and then I crawled in to wrap myself around him as much as I could.

"God, you smell like beer and cigarettes." Wufei complained with a yawn as I was about to settle in.

I flinched, pulling away quickly. "Sorry, I could sleep on the couch, or take a shower." I started to slide off the bed, feeling ashamed and dirty.

Wufei's hand impatiently fumbled after me. "Duo, get back here. As long as it's not on your breath, I don't really mind."

I hesitated before crawling back, moving in close to Wufei as he turned his back to me. Pushing my knees up against the back of his, my arms wrapped tightly around him, I rested the tip of my nose against his hair so that I could breathe him in with every breath I took.

Letting the warmth of his body sink into me, it calmed me down like nothing else I could remember.

"Thank you for coming over, I was worried and wouldn't have gotten any sleep at all if you hadn't," Wufei mumbled tiredly.

"You're welcome," I whispered before taking a deep breath of this wonderful man. The old me was clearly an idiot for wanting to be anywhere but here.

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

We became a lot closer after that night and I started spending more and more time over at his house. Much to my parents' displeasure.

At the time I didn't really care since I still had not forgiven them for lying about Wufei.

I know now that based on the limited information that I had given them, they thought they were doing the right thing by protecting me from someone who wasn't good for me, especially in my vulnerable situation.

That I was the one who was bad for Wufei wasn't something that ever even entered their minds. It must be a parent thing, to always believe the best about your children, never mind the evidence against it.

They never said anything when we got back together but disapproving looks and the way they wouldn't say Wufei's name told me that they weren't all that happy about it.

I decided that it really was time to move out.

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

I started searching for an apartment in the area around Wufei's house. I wanted to be close to him but not so close that he would feel cornered.

I found a nice little apartment just five minutes away from Wufei's house. One bedroom, a living room with a wooden floor and windows towards the south. It was perfect... But Wufei didn't like it.

The next apartment I found was twenty minutes away from Wufei's house. The rent was low, big kitchen, a small closet-like bedroom. There was no living room but the kitchen was big enough to fit a couch. But Wufei hated it.

The third place was a small house outside of town. It was in need of a few repairs but nothing I couldn't handle. Wufei refused to even step through the doorway.

This went on for three months before Wufei ordered, yes ordered, me to pack my shit up because I was moving back into the house. I wasn't complaining, especially since I had more or less already been living with Wufei for the last four months.

:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

When I first moved back in we suddenly started to get a lot of unannounced visitors, mostly from Wufei's friends and family but also from our neighbours.

It didn't take long to figure out that they were all checking in to make sure that I was behaving and that I wasn't hurting Wufei in any way.

Wufei was mighty pissed when he realized why people he normally only met a couple of times a year suddenly could drop in twice in a week. They all treated him like the poor abused girlfriend who was just too naïve and stupid to leave her boyfriend, something that Wufei really did not respond well to.

You better believe that the shit hit the fan when Wufei, one stressful morning, ran into a doorframe, giving himself a black eye and a deep cut in his brow that needed stitches. I almost had the crap beaten out of me by Wufei's overprotective friends, because come on, who was going to believe a known abuser that his lover had run into a doorframe? Luckily Wufei arrived home from work early and stopped them before they could do too much damage.

I don't think Wufei's family and friends will ever forgive me for what I did to Wufei. But I could understand them; I will never forgive myself for what I did either.

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

Wufei managed to get me a job at a charity organization. We mostly just collect money and clothes that we then send of to different parts of the world. It doesn't pay all that well but it gives me peace, knowing that I'm at least trying to make the world just a little better. That I'm not one of those jaded people who can just breeze by all the suffering in the world.

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

I still don't know for sure why I lost my memories but I have a theory. I honestly believe that my brain erased itself. I've thought a lot about it and that's the only explanation that makes sense.

I tried to imagine how I would feel when I came off the drugs and realized what I'd done. To know first hand that I'd hurt the man I loved so ruthlessly. To have his blood on my hands.

I would want to die.

The body is an amazing thing. Take a minute to think about it. The heart beating, blood flowing, muscles tensing and moving. That it works is unbelievable.

So yeah, I don't think it's all that strange to believe that my brain erased itself to save me from myself.

I will most likely never get my memories back. But looking at my life now and at what I know about my old one I can't say it's such a big loss. Don't get me wrong, it would be great to remember my childhood and all the happy times that I've only seen in photos but... some things are better left in the dark.

Wufei has been a great help to me, helping me adapt and giving my life a sense of direction. He's always there, ready to listen and give advice with a pot of tea ready. I can never repay him for what he's done for me; I can't even explain to him how much it means. But I'll try.

I think that we solved most of our problems. Well, with the exception of how we were going to manage the table placements at our wedding next year. Wufei's friends hate me, my friends hate Wufei and they all hate each other. And don't even get me started about our families.

If it wasn't for the fact that I want to marry Wufei more than anything, I would have voted on forgetting the whole thing. But what can I say, he's worth it.

The End

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

Ah, finally done. I feel good :)

Please tell me what you thought about it. Pleeeease?