Seiken Excalibur: Take -1

Spoilers: You'll be confused if you don't know about Excalibur.

Summary: Stein once tried to wield Excalibur, too, you know... I'm not quite sure how old he is here, but I image that Spirit (Death Scythe) is maybe 15 or 16.

I don't own Soul Eater. Though I might claim to if the consequence would be Stein dissecting me...

"Did you hear about that tech?"

"He looked awful! Like the walking dead!"

"It was just terrible!"

"Hey, did you hear about it, Stein?" Spirit nudged the younger boy as he sat down next to him outside.

Stein looked up from the dissection of his chicken sandwich. "Hear about what?"

"Everyone's talking about what happened to Tatara-kun last week. Apparently, he went after the Seiken Excalibur!" Spirit grinned when his friend's attention focused completely on him, then launched into story-telling mode.

"Okay, so I saw him when he was down at the library, researching. I ran into him when I was on my way to meet Jenna-chan...You've seen her, right? I mean, she's pretty hot, and her boobs are like—"

"Senpai..."

"And man, her legs! She can do this thing—"

"Senpai."

"And the way she—"

"Senpai!"

"Huh?"

"You were talking about Tatara-senpai. You saw him in the library looking up a book on Excalibur...?" Stein trailed off, letting his comrade pick up the story once more.

"Oh, right. Heh, sorry. Yeah, so he found this book that describes how to get to Excalibur's cave. So he decides that he totally needs this sword, and it sounds awesome, honestly. Flying, teleportation, something about cutting air, and maybe earthquakes...anyway, he goes after it. He was only gone for like, half a day, and then when he comes back, he looks like complete hell. And, he won't tell anyone what happened. Not even me! Isn't that cruel?"

"Flying, teleportation, cutting the air, and causing earthquakes? I'm curious," Stein smiled, causing Spirit to turn several shades paler and scoot backwards on the grass.

"Uh, that's not—I mean, you shouldn't—" the young weapon sputtered. "It's a bad idea, Stein!"

"Hm, hm. I'm going to the library. You can take my lunch if you want; I'm not very hungry anymore." Stein rose, ignoring the other teen's protests.

"But—oh, really? You don't want it? Cool." Spirit reached over and grabbed the sandwich, hungrily tearing into it.

As he walked away, Stein turned. "Oh, and senfpai? Let me know how you like the surprise ingredients."

Spirit froze.

"Hm, hm. Seiken Excalibur. Sounds interesting. I wanna dissect it" Stein murmured to himself, leaving the other teen to his full body convulsions on the grass.

The Cave of Excalibur, the next day.

Stein circled the legendary sword, mentally noting its positioning and the possible meanings of the decorative markings upon the blade. With a nod, he pulled a marker from his coat pocket and approached.

"If I make the first cut here—"

SQUEEEEEAK. The marker ran along the polished metal of the blade.

"Then here—"

SQUEEEEEAK

"And then—"

"HEY! What are you doing!?"

Stein blinked and fell backwards, trying to get away from the cane that was suddenly being shoved in his face.

Then he blinked again.

"Excalibur?"

A short...being stood in front of him. It was pants-less. It had a vest with a frilly collar, wore a top hat, and had a very long nose. Wait, maybe that was a snout. How very interesting. This creature was unlike anything he'd ever seen before.

Stein smiled. "I wanna—"

"I don't care what you want, young man! You came into my cave as a holy warrior, seeking the great and legendary sword to aid you on your quest!"

Stein's train of thought derailed. "Actually—"

The cane was shoved in his face again. "You came into my cave seeking the great and legendary sword to aid you on your quest!"

"I don't have a quest," the young man began. "But I came seeking 'the great and legendary sword.'" Perhaps if he played along, he'd get it to come back to his lab with him...

"Ah! You've heard of me! Not a surprise; my legend started in the 12th century!!" the sword exclaimed.

"So it did," Stein agreed. "And about that, how is it possible that you can enable your technician to teleport?"

"I can only impart such secrets when you have proved worthy to be my wielder!" The creature punctuated his statement with a thrust of the cane.

"So there is a test that determines the one technician with the ability to use you," Stein mused, frowning. "If it's just about soul wavelengths, that shouldn't be a problem."

"No, no. Not at all! I can match anyone's wavelength. But I can't spend a lifetime with someone who is unsuited to me!" The creature turned and walked to the side of the cave, then quickly came back with a sheaf of papers.

Stein raised his eyebrows as he accepted the packet. "This is the test?"

"There are 1,500 objectives that you must complete! Pay close attention to 452! Oh, and 786, as well. That's very important!" As he spoke, Excalibur's form returned to that of a sword, and began hovering above the ground in a convenient patch of sunlight.

"Five-hour reading group? Weekly bonding time and 'together sessions'?" Stein's expression grew grim as he flipped through the list. "Hell no." He set the list on the ground, then approached the sword again, tugging it down from the air.

"Ah, have you decided? Will you be the one to wield the great Seiken Excalibur?"

SQUEEEEEAK. The marker ran down the edge of the blade again.

"HEY! What are you doing!?" This time the sword retained its shape as it shouted at the young tech.

"I told you before. I don't have a quest. I just wanna dissect you." Stein kept the sword pinned flat on the ground as he searched for the next likely place to mark an incision.

"WHAT!?" The little creature shot away from Stein so quickly that dust flew up into the scientist's face. "That's inhuman!"

"What's inhuman is your list," the young man shot back. "But since I just want to see what's inside you, that doesn't really apply."

The sword was now clinging to a stalactite, as far away from the grinning Stein as he could get. "Yes, they do! They definitely do! They're especially for you! Did you read number 99? It's a great one!"

"Was that the one about pedicures? That seemed odd. You don't have any toes. Of course, I could give you some..."

"No, no, I don't really need them. Uh, how about number 1,200? Absolutely mandatory!"

Stein's confidence wavered. "The green tea thing?"

"And number 387!"

"Jump rope and lollipops..."

"Oh, I can't wait for 105, either!"

"Moongazing?" he choked out.

"And definitely 1,493!"

"Ka-karaoke? No way. I need that like I need a hole in the head." Stein turned and walked swiftly out of the cave.

At the entrance, he paused. Surely there was some way to get him without all of those ridiculous conditions.

As he looked back consideringly, he caught sight of the pants-less creature sliding down the stalactite. "Oh, did you change your mind about number 220?"

Stein fled.

And although they never realized it, as soon as each was outside of the other's vicinity, he (or it) sighed in relief and vowed never to have anything to do with the other ever again.

Omake:

"Hey, Stein! You were gone yesterday, what was up?" Undeterred by the dark look he received from the other boy, Spirit blithely continued. "Oh, did you actually try to find that sword, the Seiken Excalibur?"

Stein scrunched his face up. "I don't wanna talk about it, senpai."

"Hah, you did, didn't you? Man, not even you can do it. Must be pretty impossible, eh?" Spirit laughed.

"Senpai. I couldn't dissect Excalibur. I need a new test subject. Are you volunteering?" Stein looked up with a small smile.

"Ah, heh heh heh. Look at the time!" Spirit dashed off, leaving Stein to his thoughts. Or rather, leaving Stein trying to purge his thoughts of Excalibur.

Omake 2:

"Dr. Stein?" Maka approached her teacher as Black Star and Kid furiously destroyed their "gifts." Well, as Black Star destroyed his, and Kid tried to fold his into small enough symmetrical halves so it would fit into the trash can.

"Hm?"

"Black Star said that you tried to get the Seiken Excalibur, once. Did he do something like this to you, too?"

Stein reached into his pocket for his cigarettes. "Ah, no. I don't think he minded seeing me leave."

Maka looked at the chosen two. "But you couldn't stay with him, either? I don't think I understand."

With deliberate movements, Stein lit his cigarette and took a deep drag. After blowing out the smoke, he responded. "Bubblebaths."

A/N: I deeply apologize for this whole thing. And the really cheesy humor. I have no idea if I have a handle on anyone's character, but I tried. I have to tell you, the worst part when Stein had Excalibur cornered on the ceiling, and I realized, crap, this isn't working. Excalibur is scared of Stein. It's not supposed to work this way...

Okay, I do know that Excalibur had 1,000 conditions for Black Star and Kid. I think he may have reduced them throughout the years. It's just a theory.

Anyway, I hope that anyone who actually finds this enjoys it.

*Additional note: A few months after writing this, I discovered a fun manip on DA of Stein's "Excalibur face." Not related to this story, but wonderful, nonetheless (Remove spaces): coeurdelouve. deviantart. com/ art/ SE- Stein- met- Excalibur- 94714084