Twilight Paradoxisis

No Romance (yet...? oooh)! If that thought offends you, then read no further. I am attempting to create fun for myself, so this is purely a random parody of Twilight.

I own a lovely potted plant which keeps me company when the going gets tough, but I don't own anything from Twilight & the sequels. Oh, darn.

Chapter One - Kicked Out of Arizona, Car, and Flight. Sad face.

"Ma! I don't want to go! You can't make me!" Bella cried, in a sputtering southern drawl.

"Bella. Shut up for once in your life," Renee, Bella's irresponsible mother snarled at her incompetent offspring, as she drove down the road. "You know you are unwanted in my household from now on!"

"That's retarded!" Bella snapped, teenage angst dripping from every word she spoke.

"No! How dare you use the 'R' word!" Her mother said, taking offense to every syllable her daughter uttered. "This is exactly why I dislike you so much!"

"What!? You're my MAWWW, you love me unconditionally!" Protested Bella, still using her faux southern accent.

"False!" Renee stated in her outside voice, as if she were competing in a heated True or False game show. "You always utilize such derogatory slang in your every day speech. That upsets me, Bella. As does your face."

"So, you're punishing me by sending me to that god forsaken garbage dump of a town in Washington because my outer appearance offends you!?" Bella was flabbergasted!

"Yes," Renee said.

"Fine," Bella said with the same old deep southern sound she had adopted. Under her breath, Bella muttered, "Bioootch." Of course, it's pretty hard to silently say 'bioootch' just because that word requires a lot of emphasis and inflection, especially with a southern accent. Due to that, Renee heard the insult with ease.

"That's it!" Renee screamed, while simultaneously slamming on the breaks. "I am absolutely fed up with your heinous vocabulary, and that stupid accent makes it ten times worse! What are you trying to prove, you moron child? Surely staying with your boring father will help to exorcise the demons from your voice box!"

With that, Renee grabbed a road map from the glove compartment and started smacking Bella in the face, in hopes that this would somehow cure her daughter's maladies. Bella hardly flinched as she distracted herself from the violence by dabbling in her thoughts.

Bella knew what was really going on. She could read between the lines. Phil, Renee's new husband, was the leader of the most notorious, brain-washing cult to ever exist. Ever since he became Bella's step-father, Phil insisted that Renee shove the adolescent "Satan-loving" girl off a cliff.

Renee couldn't justify murder in this situation, but figured sending her daughter to live in a deplorable location, such as Sporks, Washington, with her ex-husband, Charlie, would be worse than death. Bella agreed.

The airport in Pheonix was bustling when Renee and Bella arrived. Speeding was the 8th deadly sin in Phil's book, so Renee had to drive at Grandma-pace.

"God, we're FINALLY here," Bella said with mock impatience. She was being so facetious today!

"I already said I had enough, young lady!" Renee scolded in a thunderous tone, louder than the screams of tortured vocalists that belong to many Emo bands at local shows where the speakers are blasting literally one inch away from your ear, and it's absolutely dreadful. Ugh. Bad times. Anyway…

Renee continued to harass Bella, and showed no signs of stopping. "I hate you! Je te deteste! If I knew any other languages besides English and French, you can imagine I would insult you just the same using those dialects, too! Now get the hell out of my moving vehicle!"

"Wha-" Before Bella could protest further, she was being "assisted" out of the grandma-paced automobile. In one fell swoop, Renee kicked open the passenger side door with one foot, kicked Bella out of the car with her other foot, and kicked out all of Bella's luggage with a third foot that miraculously appeared from thin air! She managed to do all of this, and remain driving at her old geezer speed without even veering around the road at strange, jerky angles.

Bella sighed, and wished she had at least been wearing her seatbelt. First of all, she knew that since this story is available for the public, road safety should be promoted. But also, because the whole getting "kicked out" literally thing could've been avoided.

Nothing exciting happened on Bella's flight, albeit that fact that she decided to take a nap and got attacked for it. That's right - Bella peacefully slumbered and accidentally began talking in her sleep. She was jarred awake after a piercing slap to the face.

"Bitch, this will keep you in your place!" The graying flight attendant croaked as she slapped Bella again. "Stop disturbing the peace!"

"Get away from me, ya old hag!" Bella said, and clocked the old woman flight attendant right in the noggin.

"I know you're out to get my job, Bella! But, I'm prepared to defend my life's work with every ounce of energy I possess!" The flight attendant announced, and pulled out a switchblade. Various passengers gasped when they spotted the weapon. Bella's eyes widened in shock, not because her life was threatened, but because the stewardess knew her name!!

The flight attendant slowly encroached upon the little space left between the two. With her knife raised like a crazed serial-killer about to pounce on her prey, Bella leapt up and was able to release her chainsaw from the confines of the overhead compartment. Upon spotting the chainsaw, the old woman flight attendant was not amused. To express this, her face contorted into a frown. Bella ignored the disapproval of everyone around her, and revved the chainsaw to life.

The fight didn't last long, and Bella made quick work of the flight attendant because chainsaws far overpower switchblades, just like paper far overpowers rock.

Mere seconds passed when the icky smell of blood met the nostrils of Bella, bringing the girl to her knees. She was unconscious for the remainder of the flight.

Bella awoke hours later to find herself lying on a stone cold concrete sidewalk. She was sprawled across the pavement, bags strewn about randomly nearby. Pain emanated from her entire being, and Bella could only assume she had been thrown from the airborne plane for committing flight attendant-abuse. Getting kicked out of two moving vehicles in one day sure sucked - and hurt a lot.

"Bella!" Rumbled a low, mysterious voice that sent a shiver down the girl's spine. A mysterious figure, mysteriously cloaked in black, mysteriously emerged from a mysterious location! Bella did not know who this was - everything about him was shrouded in mystery!! "Bella, there is something I need to tell you…"

Chapter Two (come to think of it... so is chapter three... me no life) is written and ready to go. I will post it if this story is generally accepted by the masses.