Title: Worst Birthday Ever.
Rating: PG
Warnings/Spoilers: None.
Characters: John Sheppard, Rodney McKay
Summary: God this was going to be one of the worst birthdays ever. He just knew it.
Beta: None/Self Beta-ed.

Notes: Written for David & Rodney's birthday, which was yesterday. A little late I know, but I was so tired last night once I got home from work I could hardly think straight let alone write.

Only my second foray into the SGA fandom so I hope you all enjoy and please let me know what you think.

Worst Birthday Ever.

Groaning Rodney stumbled into his quarters not even bothering to turn on the lights as he trudged his way to his bed to fall into a boneless heap. After a few moments of blissful stillness he stirred his leaden limbs into motion, trying to find a more comfortable position, one which hopefully wouldn't leave him wincing in pain every time he moved due to pinched nerves caused by awkward sleeping angles in the morning. Sighing contentedly as he allowed his eyes to once more drift closed he vaguely acknowledged that the little red numbers of the digital clock on his bedside table read well past midnight, it was a brand new day. Grimacing Rodney resolutely turned his head the other way and shut out the world.

...chirp...chirp...chirp...

His brows furrowing Rodney frowned as he snuggled deeper into his pillow, but no matter how much he tried to grasp the now achingly elusive strings of deep sleep they kept slipping through his fingers. Instead he found his mind drawn out of the blissful stillness it had been quite happily drifting in to the sound of...chirping. His lips pulling into a deeper frown Rodney mumbled discontentedly. Whoever had somehow managed to bring the Pegasus Galaxies equivalent of crickets onto Atlantis was a dead man. God they would never be able to get rid of them all...

"Dr. McKay!"

Startled, his heart nearly leaping out of his throat, Rodney bolted upright, twisting toward the door to his quarters only to end up half sprawled out of bed, hissing in pain as his shoulder came into sharp contact with the corner of his bedside table on his way to the floor. Eyes clenched tightly against the pain Rodney gripped his right shoulder firmly, willing the spots that danced behind his eyes to go away before carefully slitting them open to look up at the figure silhouetted against the bright light spilling in from the open doorway to his quarters.

The figure seemed to hesitate for a moment before stepping forward to reveal itself as belonging to Dr. Aakster. The man looked absolutely petrified as he shuffled further into the room and at Rodney's deadly glare stopped in mid step, shuffling his feet for a moment as he looked everywhere but at the floor where his boss half lay. Snorting derisively Rodney closed his eyes and considered the possibility of killing Aakster later and just going back to sleep where he lay. God he was so tired, but at least the damned crickets had stopped chirping...

"Umm...Dr. McKay?"

More nervous shuffling of feet.

Sighing in resignation Rodney rolled his head back toward the other scientist and lips pressed tightly together raised one eyebrow in question. Seemingly spurred by the dark, questioning look Aakster lost some of his nervousness and gesturing towards the door rushed out in a slightly panicked voice. "There's been an accident in the lab. Dr. Abel, he, he was trying to fix that device that you brought back from PX9-323 when it ah...it...," trailing off helplessly Aakster swallowed and motioned towards his radio, "I tried to hail you but... umm... you wouldn't answer..."

Well, that explained the incessant chirping. "The device from PX9-323?"

Blanching at the steely tone Aakster nodded.

"The device from PX9-323 that I expressly forbade any of you brainless monkeys from so much as looking at?"

"Umm..." Another nod.

God help him he was going to kill them all.

Rolling onto his side Rodney dragged his legs onto the floor to join the rest of his body and groping around blindly along the top of his bedside table for his radio got shakily to his feet grunting in pain from the ache that pulled at his shoulder and disgust at the realization that he'd only been asleep for barely one hour. God this was going to be one of the worst birthdays ever. He just knew it.

Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Must have coffee. Lots and lots of blessed coffee.

With thoughts of the heavenly substance filling his every thought Rodney lurched into the mess and shambled towards the food line all but drooling in sweet anticipation. It was now four hours since Dr. Aakster had so rudely burst into his quarters at zero-dark-thirty to drag him back to his lab and after much yelling, gesticulating and one, alright so maybe it was two, instances of having to have his minions physically pry his hands from around Dr. Abel's throat Rodney had managed to salvage a mass majority of the now nearly useless and destroyed device and he was hoping with some tlc it would be back to its former beautiful non-working self yet once again.

Smiling lightly and somehow managing the energy for a small bounce Rodney mentally nudged the person ahead of him to hurry up. He was sure that the device would be fairly easy to repair once it was the sole focus of his nimble fingers and cleaver mind. It was quite interesting really, not something of any overt importance he was sure, but interesting nonetheless. And that, he concluded, was all that mattered. Now his lab on the other hand... That was going to take a bit more work. His fingers twitching with want to once more strangle the life out of Dr. Abel, Rodney shuffled along the line and glanced wistfully towards the pot of freshly brewed nirvana.

The pot that was currently empty.

His jaw dropping slightly Rodney could do nothing but stand there staring at the freshly drained pot of coffee, his mind refusing to properly process the injustice before him.

"Didn't your mother teach you not to stare?"

At the soft poke in his side Rodney turned towards Sheppard who stood beside him in the line one brow raised as the Colonel looked pointedly towards the assembly of beverages. An inarticulate sound of distress rising in his throat Rodney waved one hand listlessly towards the cause of his distress. Slowly the Colonels eyes drifted over to the empty pot of coffee, but instead of the look of sympathetic understanding Rodney was expecting the Colonel merely snorted and pushed him out of his way as he grabbed a bottle of water setting it on his tray and snagging the sleeve of Rodney's crumbled jacket with his free hand dragged the unresisting scientist away from the line and towards one of the empty tables.

Grumbling murderously under his breath Rodney allowed himself to be lead unresisting to the table and then gently pushed into a chair. Glowering up at the Colonel as Sheppard took the seat across from him Rodney huffed and not having the energy to care anymore flopped his head onto the table, his arms dropping bonelessly to hang at his sides. It just wasn't fair damnit.

A soft sigh escaping his lips Rodney let his eyes drift closed. Maybe a nice little power nap would help.

Lips thinning at the incessantly soft brush of something against his ear Rodney opened his eyes rolling them up to catch the open smirk on Sheppard's face as he once again poked Rodney gently with the end of his fork. Growling Rodney reached up and before the Colonel could react snatched the fork away and threw it to the floor. Matching Sheppard's hurt expression with one of clear disdain and misery Rodney flopped his arm over his head and eyes closing once more tried to block out the noise around him and the fact that he still didn't have coffee.

"Jesus Rodney, you don't have get pissy." Frowning slightly at the obscured face of the normally overly active and very loud physicist John shifted uncomfortably and reaching down the table for another fork gently prodded at his quasi-eggs. "So all the coffee was gone this morning, it's not like you can't go down and get some from your lab."

A choked and slightly strangled sound was his only answer.

Brow raising in slight amusement John resisted the urge to once more poke the other man with his eating utensil and instead took his bowl of chocolate pudding and pushed it towards Rodney hoping the little offering would soothe whatever crawled up the scientists ass and died. A pissy Rodney did not a happy John make. "What, did all your minions drink it all or something."

"No, more like one of them blew it up."

"The coffee or your lab?"

"Both."

Ah. Well then. Clearing his throat John was fixing to speak when Rodney made another strangled sound and stumbled out of his chair, an incredulous look on his face. Worried Sheppard half stood. "What's wrong?"

Ignoring the Colonel, Rodney tapped his radio and asked in a high pitched and slightly panicked voice. "What do you mean the plant sample from MX2-769 mutated, somehow managed to mate with its petri dish and is currently trying to eat Dr. Ackerman?" Frowning Rodney sputtered. "Why the hell are you calling me? Do I look like a gardener to you?!" Another pause as Rodney sighed, running one hand over his face in a gesture Sheppard could only describe as fatalistic. "Yes, yes, yes. I'll be right there. Just don't...antagonize it."

Grimacing Rodney fidgeted for a moment before turning away a softly spoken, "Worse birthday ever" following him as he disappeared from view.

Frowning Sheppard regarded the empty doorway for a moment before his gaze fell onto his untouched bowl of pudding, Rodney's parting words echoing unhappily in his mind.

Hell. Rodney was in Hell.

Stomping darkly down the corridors and ignoring the open stares of passersby Rodney made a beeline towards his quarters and tried to ignore the uncomfortable sensation of plant goo and dirt that was dribbling down the back collar of his shirt to slime its way down his backside. Not that that little bit of annoyance made one iota of difference when he was literally covered from head to foot in plant entrails, goo, mud and his own blood. Stupid botanists. Stupid plants. Stupid petri dishes. Stupid thorns.

Absentmindedly Rodney nearly stuck one of his bleeding fingers into his mouth to sooth the cut there before catching himself and grimacing in disgust he slogged his way into his quarters and its adjoining bathroom. Not daring to look at himself in the mirror he mentally set the shower going. Thoughts of nice, hot, soothing water comforting him as he plucked disgustedly at his jacket before peeling it off and as quickly as he could manage followed up with divesting himself from the rest of his sodden garments. He'd have to burn them later. It was a pity really, that was one of his favorite shirts. Granted they were pretty much all the same, but still...

Frowning Rodney stepped gingerly into the shower only to immediately yelp in startled surprise and jerking backwards, felt his feet slide out from under him as he crashed unceremoniously to the floor his elbow taking the brunt of the fall and sending mind numbing pain shotting up his ulnar nerve. Biting back the scream that tried to rip through his throat Rodney clutched at his elbow, tears welling up behind his tightly closed eyes. Dear god whoever thought that it would be funny to call the damned thing a funny bone needed to be hogtied and served to the Wraith on a silver fucking platter.

Curling into himself, resting his forehead against the slick floor, Rodney took in one hissing breath after another trying to breathe through the pain as it continued to course through his arm and spread through the rest of him. Eventually the pain dulled to a low throbbing pins and needles sensation and taking one last fortifying breath Rodney pushed himself up on shaking arms and carefully stood on equally shaky legs. In fact, his whole body was shaking. Frowning and unconsciously rubbing at his throbbing elbow Rodney tried to puzzle out an explanation to this curious fact.

Ah yes. Of course. He was in Hell.

Turning a baleful eye towards the innocent stream of water that was washing over him Rodney fought the urge to bolt and instead reached out to grasp at the washcloth that sat along one of the stalls walls. He'd be damned if he was going to let mind numbing, breath stealing, horrendously and decidedly not nice, hot and soothing water (dear god was his skin turning blue!?) stop him from washing the grime and grit and plant guts off.

Eyes closed Rodney leaned listlessly against the wall as he washed himself. God this really was turning out to be one of the worse birthdays ever. And he still hadn't had any coffee.

Sighing despondently Rodney found himself once more standing in the mess staring at a yet once again freshly emptied pot of coffee. Ignoring the grumbling of others that were forced to move around him to finish getting their lunch Rodney contemplated the possible existence of a higher power and just in case he was wrong and such a being did in fact exist he contemplated the merits of praying for a little slack and maybe some freaking coffee. Seriously, what the hell? Wasn't there better things to fuck with in the universe other than one M. Rodney McKay?

"Dr. McKay?"

Glowering at the pot Rodney hunched his shoulders and reached up to his radio. "Yes."

"There appears to be a problem with the water heating system and there are some unusual power fluctuations in the lower levels of the city. We can't seem to find out what's causing them."

Eyes closed Rodney snorted at the reminder of his sojourn in the freezing ass water of his shower before replying. "Of course you can't." And with one last withering glance at the empty coffee pot Rodney stalked out of the mess all thoughts of lunch forgotten.

Rodney was painfully aware of the fact that his blood sugar was seriously whacked out and really he couldn't bring himself to care. Dinner had long since come and gone and Rodney wasn't sure he could take finding another empty pot of coffee waiting for him. Sucking pitifully at one of his now burned as well as cut fingers he shambled his way tiredly to his lab and ignoring the half of it that was nearly obliterated settled himself on his stool near his work bench. It took him a full ten minutes of staring blankly into space before his addled brain was able to kick in and he realized that the sweet aroma of coffee that filled the air was not in fact another one of the days nasty tricks.

Next to his laptop sat a mug of slightly steamy coffee with what appeared to be a plush gray cat wrapped protectively around it. Eyebrow raising slightly Rodney bypassed the coffee and reached instead for a small slip of paper that was folded under one of the plush cats paws, the word 'McKay' written in Sheppard's scrawl across its front. Flipping the paper open Rodney read; 'Happy Birthday Rodney. (You could have told me it was your birthday you prick.) I couldn't figure out what a good gift for you would be so I figured a cup of coffee would do. I kinda stole the cat from one of the kids on the mainland, I'm sure the mental image of them crying will fill your heart with all kinds of birthday goodness. Just don't tell Teyla. - Sheppard.'

His lips curling into an amused grin Rodney slipped the piece of paper into one of his pockets before tucking the little gray kitty in one arm against his chest and picking up the cup of coffee took a sip. As the warm, heavenly liquid slid down his throat Rodney all but melted into a puddle of pathetic goo and humming contentedly to himself decided that maybe this wasn't one of the worst birthdays ever after all.

It was some time later when Sheppard slipped into the darkened lab unsurprised to find his physicist still there. Rodney lay with his head resting atop his crossed arms on his work bench, the gray cat Sheppard had stolen for him acting as his current pillow, oblivious to all around him as he slept the sleep of the truly exhausted. The thought of waking him and nudging Rodney to his quarters for a proper place to sleep barely flitted through John's mind before it was discarded. Instead he searched about for a bit before coming back up with a sheet of paper and a large black marker. After scribbling his message and propping the paper up to his satisfaction he snagged the discarded coffee mug and pocketed Rodney's radio before heading back to his own quarters. Who knew stealthily stealing a plush toy cat could be such hard work?

Stretching Zelenka yawned as he entered the lab only to come up short at the sight that greeted him.

Sitting asleep at his work bench was Rodney. The astrophysicist was snoring softly and holding onto a..., Radek pushed his glasses farther up his nose, ...a toy cat. Propped up near the sleeping scientist was a large sheet of paper with bold, black words written ominously across it.

Do not disturb. If you wake him, I will kill you. - Sheppard.

Wisely Zelenka took a step back and decided that work could wait for a little while longer.