A/N: Did you know that Jean-Claude van Damme's professional kickboxing record is 15-1? Trufax.
ALSO: Read closely – this may be the first and last time you see Katara quote Anton Chigurh. After that, I promise there will be no more No Country for Old Men references, although I refuse to call them obscure references, because NCFOM carried Best Picture at the Oscars.
CHAPTER 5: I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY SCAR (SO SEXY IT HURTS)
The walls of Ba Sing Se slowly opened. Outside stood the armies of the Fire Nation, triumphant, despite not having spilled a drop of blood. The people of the city cowered in their homes, fearful of the red parade that marched through the streets of the city, right up to the palace.
Meanwhile, the good guys were mobilizing to come from behind and save the day.
"Where are we headed?" asked Zuko, as he sprinted through the streets.
"An open field," said Sokka.
"That's where you'll launch me into the air," confirmed Zuko, uncertainly.
"Yes."
"You're going to have a blind girl launch me into the air towards a floating fortress?"
"Yes."
"And then you're-"
"Please!" yelled Toph. "Stop reviewing!"
"Yeah!" yelled Aang. "Death to review!"
"Fair enough," admitted Zuko.
"I'm not sure I like this plan," said Uncle Iroh, nervously.
"You're not alone," said Katara, flashing Sokka a dirty look.
"Hey, the coin is binding," protested Sokka.
"Sure, Sokka, it's binding," said Katara, in a quiet, threatening voice. "But there's nothing binding me with regards to equal division of rations."
The boy went pale. "You wouldn't."
"Let me ask you something," began Katara. "If the rule you followed brought you to this, what use was the rule?"
"Do you have any conception of how godsdamned crazy you are?" demanded Sokka.
"The nature of this conversation?"
"No, the nature of you!"
"Hold up!" shouted Aang, from the front of the group. Everyone screeched to a halt, and saw a large number of Fire Benders gathered there, any trace of human empathy hidden beneath their skull-like masks.
"Damn," said Iroh, quietly. The group took off down an alley, closely pursued by the enemy
"Surrender now, in the name of the Fire Nation!" yelled the leader of the Fire-benders, who was actually indistinguishable from his underlings.
"We need to get them off our tail," muttered Sokka.
Suddenly, Uncle Iroh stopped in his tracks. He turned to face the fire-benders, the wind blowing his hair around dramatically.
"Uncle!" yelled Zuko, stopping.
"Go, Zuko!" yelled Iroh. "I will hold them off."
"Please, uncle, don't leave me alone!"
"I'm for leaving him," Sokka interrupted. Katara turned the wheel on her air tank, pressurizing her cattlegun with an ominous hiss. "Kidding," said Sokka, nervously.
The fire-benders caught up. Their leader stepped forward, facing Iroh. "Your powers are weak, old man."
"You can't win," replied Iroh. "If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can ever imagine."
"Uncle!" repeated Zuko, desperately.
"Go, Zuko! Save yourself! I will be fine against these common thugs."
Zuko did not seem to quite believe his uncle, but he turned and ran anyway, boots pounding on the pavement.
-
They reached the park without further conflict, but they were all winded. Thankfully, the ground was flat; the only obstacles were a few trees scattered about and the houses lining the park on all sides.
"No witnesses," said Sokka. "Alright, how are we gonna do this?"
Katara folded her arms and frowned.
"Oh, Katara," said Sokka. "Turn that frown upside-down!"
"Ok," interrupted Aang, "I have a plan. I'm going to aim the rock. As I throw it, I'm going to yell for help, at which point Toph will fling all her power into it, hopefully propelling it directly at the Death Blimp."
"Hopefully?" asked Zuko.
"Hey, we're not totally infallible," said Toph.
"Alright, crouch on the ground," said Aang.
Zuko did so.
Slowly, Aang began to arrange the launch. It was difficult work; there were a great many variables to be considered, such as the force and the angle of the launch, wind direction, and the position of the launch. And if he survives, Katara will love me forever!
"Alright, I'm almost ready," said Aang.
"I'm not so sure," protested Sokka. "I think you need lower angle."
"Lower- He'll hit those houses if we go any lower!" protested Aang.
"Are you blind? He'll clear it by fifteen cubits!"
"Oh, I'm the blind one? If I lower the elevation-"
Zuko grunted and clutched at his chest. "Guys?" interrupted Katara. "We need to launch soon."
However, Aang and Sokka continued to argue. Zuko began to breath heavily as beads of sweat rolled off his face.
"Guys!" shouted Katara, to no avail. She looked at Zuko awkwardly. He looked at her, face drawn and tired.
"I'm not going to make it," he said, wearily.
"At least you won't die a virgin, loverboy," said Toph.
"Shut up, Toph. Look… I'm sorry about this," said Katara. "I didn't want to make you do this." She glanced at Aang and Sokka, shiftily. "I could heal you right now, while they're distracted," she began, reaching towards her mystic water.
"No," said Zuko, putting his hand over hers. "Don't waste it on the dead."
Aang and Sokka continued to argue about wind direction and force. Zuko was fading by the moment, his labored breathing coming in short, painful gasps. Katara glanced around, making sure no one was paying attention. "I can do this much," she whispered. Then, she -
WE INTERRUPT THIS FANFIC FOR A SPECIAL REPORT: Scientists have recently determined that Chuck Norris jokes may be hazardous to your mental and physical health. More news as it comes in.
"Thanks," whispered Zuko.
"I had to do something," whispered Katara.
"Alright!" said Aang. "We've worked out a compromise. Let's do this- Hey, what were you guys doing?"
"Nothing," said Katara, innocently.
"Why's there a- " began Sokka.
"Nothing happened," repeated Katara, pressurizing her air gun.
Sokka eyed the weapon nervously. "Toph? Aang? Yeah, let's do this. You know, fast. So I can go hide somewhere."
-
Meanwhile, on the Death-Blimp…
"Look over there!" shouted Ty Lee.
"If it's another bird, I'm not interested," said Azula, wearily.
"But it's-"
"It's a bird, Ty Lee. Just a bird; I don't care what species, genus, or kingdom it belongs to. It's just a bird-"
"It's actually a rock," interrupted Ty Lee.
Azula jumped up. "What?" she demanded, resorting to italics to show her strong emphasis.
"It's definitely a rock," added Ty Lee.
-
Zuko rode on the rock, shaggy brown hair streaming out behind him. He was going faster than he had ever dreamed possible; the world around him turned into a watercolor blur. He felt exhilarated; he felt truly alive for the first time in a long while.
There was a brilliant flash directly ahead; a glass-shattering roar filled the air as lightning cut through the sky towards him. Zuko lunged to the front of the rock and received the blow directly.
He felt the raw power coursing through him. To control it was like redirecting a raging river, but redirect it he did. It shot past his heart into the daun'tien, absorbed by his qi. "I'm comin' for you, Azula," he hissed.
The rock slammed into the bloated blimp with overwhelming power. Metal shrieked and twisted; men shrieked and twisted. The rock lodged itself into the side of the rear compartment.
Zuko clung to the side of the boulder, surprised to be alive. Slowly, he climbed to the top of the boulder, where he was pleased to discover a tear in the metal surface large enough for him to slip through. He crouched and swiftly wormed through the debris.
He emerged into the surviving part of the room. To Zuko, it appeared to be a boiler room, based on the presence of boilers in the room. I am a master of deduction, he thought, as he stepped over the dead and wounded to get to the exit. A man called to him to him as he pushed open the black door.
"Please…" muttered the man. "Tell Jim… I… I love him…"
Zuko looked at the man awkwardly. "Um… sure," he said.
"Tell him that our love is eternal! Not even death can keep us apart!"
"Yes, yes, I will," said Zuko, nervously. "I really need to go-"
"And tell him… tell him I would leave my wife for him."
Zuko pushed into the hallway outside, glad to be away from the man. Predictably, the corridor was black, metal, and Spartan; the Fire Nation Department of Interior Decoration had clearly been hard at work here. Cautiously, Zuko walked down the corridor, each step putting him into a strong combat stance, ready to strike at the slightest provocation.
After an hour or so, he made his way to the end of the hall, bringing him to a tall, ominous door. From behind it, he could hear low bass vibrations. Confused, he put his ear to the door and listened close. Sure enough, some was playing thumping rave music back there. Azula… is holding a dance party?
He pushed the door open.
Inside, the entire Dai Li, a large collection of Fire Nation soldiers, and several mercenaries were rocking out. A DJ was standing on an elevated stage, doing that holding-one-headphone-to-the-ear-while-scratching-the-record bit. Above the stage was an elevated balcony, where Mai, Ty Lee, and Azula stood.
Zuko and Azula's eyes met instantly.
"Stop the music!" shouted Azula.
It stopped. Everyone looked toward Zuko.
"Prince Zuko interrupted our party."
They all drew their weapons.
"That wasn't very nice.
Zuko drew his double broadsword.
"Kill him." Azula smiled.
They all rushed forward.
Zuko rushed into their midst, blades whirling about him. They all descended on him at once, spewing fire, throwing rocks, and stabbing swords. Zuko whirled violently, forming an egg of fire about himself. They fell back, their front line suddenly set ablaze.
As they sank to the ground, burning to cinders, Zuko took stock of his enemies. All secondary characters. They could not stand against him.
He dropped the egg and rushed forward, blades whirling. They crashed in around him. Zuko spun about, hacking furiously. Limbs went flying; screams filled the air as the battle progressed around the room, smashing tables and chairs. Zuko crouched low and slashed legs out from beneath their owners. They all crashed down around him, piling up on top of the lone prince.
For a few seconds, there was only silence. Azula smiled.
The pile-up exploded violently, and it was raining men, halleluiah. Zuko cut down the nearest ones as they descended, leaping about the battlefield like a rabid monkey. As they formed up again, Zuko ran up the stairs to the raised balcony in a frantic attempt to get to Azula.
Lightning thundered from above; Zuko shielded his eyes as it struck the steps directly ahead of him. He looked up to see Azula shaking a finger at him. She said something, but Zuko's ears were ringing too loudly to hear it, though he had no doubt it was very hurtful. He turned around. The enemy was arrayed at the foot of the stairs, looking up at him solemnly.
Zuko lunged into the crowd, deafness be damned. He cut, and his blades made graceful arcs of blood through the air. A man opened his mouth in a soundless scream as Zuko opened his chest with two clean swipes. With a spin, he went low, blades cutting out feet from their owners. With a fantastic leap, he found himself at the rear of the room, staring at the oncoming horde. The dead littered the ground, in a little coat of gore.
"Any man who stands aside will be spared," said Zuko. "But if you raise any weapon against me, I will show you no quarter." He could not hear himself speak, but he could tell that the enemy got the message. Their expressions were those of fear and anxiety.
Slowly, they parted, offering him a clear route to the second, intact stairway.
"Good," said Zuko.
A second bolt of lightning descended from the balcony, striking down one group of cowards. The second group had barely processed what had happened before a second bolt struck them, annihilating them instantly. Zuko did not hear the thunder of the screams.
He looked up at Azula, who stood at the top of the balcony, looking every bit as superior as usual. She said something.
"I can't hear you!" shouted Zuko.
She rolled her eyes and shouted louder. This time, Zuko caught a little bit of it.
"What was that about your tits?" he yelled.
She gave him a despairing stare. She turned and walked out a back entrance to the balcony, dogged by her loyal henchwomen.
"Where do you think you're going?" demanded Zuko, who quickly made chase.
-
When Zuko burst onto the observation deck, the three girls were surveying the city of Ba Sing Se below. They heard his heavy footfalls, but none turned to face him.
There was a long silence.
"Mai, Ty Lee," he began. "I'll offer the same deal to you. The only person who definatley isn't walking away from this is Azula."
"Such posturing," said Azula. "What makes you think you're in a position to make such sweeping pronouncements?"
There was another long silence.
"Well?" asked Zuko.
"He can't hear you," pointed out Mai.
"I knew that," said Azula. "Just testing you."
She turned around. "You're pathetic, Zuko. You think that you can beat me, a main villain, just because you slaughtered a bunch of tertiary characters? Please."
"They were secondary characters," insisted Zuko.
"Wait, how can you hear me?"
"He's reading your lips," said Mai, wearily.
"Y- yes, I knew that," said Azula, keeping her composure. "Anyway, Zuko, you will lose."
Zuko readied his broadswords.
Azula snapped her fingers. Instantly, Mai cast a dagger from her sleeve. It flew through the air; Zuko saw it; began to dodge; but it nicked his cheek. He snarled, angrily, and lunged forward. Thudthudthudthudthud
Azula stepped back just as his heart started to falter. He fell to his knees, struck by vicious convulsions. His sister just smiled at him archaically. "No person can take two bites from this serpent," she said. Suddenly, she kicked him in the chest, sending him flying into the back wall. Thud. Thud. Thud.
"Pathetic, Zuko," she said, as she made the circle of lightning. Zuko's eyes widened. "You never were a true royal. You were always bastard. Just not in blood." Thud… thud… Zuko heroically hauled himself upright, staring at Azula defiantly.
The lightning shot forward. It shot into Zuko, filling him with electricity. That electricity flowed directly into Zuko's faltering heart.
Azula smirked and turned her back on Zuko before hell fell. Her last mistake.
Zuko lunged forward. Mai suddenly turned on Ty Lee. Azula turned around, eyes wide, just as Zuko careened into her. They both plunged over the edge of the observation deck. Ty Lee throw off Mai and grabbed Azula's hand. Zuko, however, had no hand reaching out for him. He plunged towards Ba Sing Se below. For a few moments, his face was blank as he fell. He was thinking about his whole situation. This whole world.
I hate everything, he thought, blandly.
He fell through a cloud, and emerged soaked.
I don't believe that, he admitted.
Slowly, he reached into his pocket and produced a piece of parchment and a quill. After thinking briefly, he began to write.
Dear Jin,
I'm
sorry I can't come back. I'm sorry I've been a little less than
faithful. I did the best I could.
ZUKO
He released the message into the great blue sky.
-
Epilogue
He fell
He fell
He fell
He slammed into a cart of cabbages
He bounced
He landed again, smashing the flagstones beneath him
For a time, his glassy eyes stared ahead.
And then
Thud Thud
And he blinked
To be continued…?
- - -