This was just something I wrote up when I was bored. All characters belong to the fabulous Stephenie Meyer. Send this to all of your non-Twilight-reading friends!
Twilight: The Condensed Version
Bella: I hate Forks. Why did I decide to move here?? Ooh, cute boy!
Edward gives Bella a death glare
Bella: What did I ever do to him?
Bella is almost crushed by Tyler's car but Edward pushes her out of the way.
Tyler: Oh noes!! I almost ran Bella over!
Bella: But Edward saved me. Yay!!
Edward: What? No I didn't…
Bella: But…but…
Edward: It would be better if we weren't friends…but come eat lunch with me?
Bella: Edward's really weird.
Jacob: Have you ever heard about the Cold Ones? Yeah, Edward's a vampire.
Bella: Ah-ha! It all makes sense!
Edward: You really should avoid me. I am an evil demon.
Bella: You're hot…actually, you're cold. But you're seriously cute. And sparkly.
Edward: But I could kill you!
Bella: Please don't?
Edward: Okay. Come meet my family!
Alice: Hey. I'm psychic.
Rosalie: I wish I was still human. I don't like you.
Jasper: I can control your emotions.
Emmett: I'm not as scary as I look. I swear.
Esme: Ohh, Eddie brought his girlfriend! Let me show you his baby pictures…
Carlisle: I swam across the ocean once. And I'm immune to the scent of human blood.
Alice: Hey, let's go play baseball!
The Cullens meet some evil vampires.
James: Human! Must kill!!
Bella: Aaaah! Must run away. Charlie, I'm leaving.
Charlie: WTF?
Alice: Come with me and Jasper. We'll keep you safe.
Bella: Noo! I don't wanna leave Edward.
Edward: They'll protect you. I'll see you soon.
Alice, Jasper, and Bella go to Phoenix.
James: I'm gonna kill your mommy. Come to me and let me kill you.
Bella: Not my mommy!
Bella walks right into James' trap.
James: Mwahahaha…I didn't have her. But now I have you!
Bella: Whoops. That was kinda stupid.
James bites Bella
Edward: I must save her!
Bella: But…but…I wanted to be a vampire.
Edward: Absolutely not. Let's go to prom.
Bella: Absolutely not.
Alice: Sorry, Bella, you've got to. By the way, you're going to be a vampire one day.
Edward: NO SHE WON'T!
Jacob: Hey, my dad says to be careful with Edward.
Bella: Whatever. I lurve him!
Fangirls: Give us more!!11!!1!!
Stephenie Meyer: Here's the sequel…
New Moon: The Condensed Version
Bella: Why do I have to grow older? I wish I was a vampire.
Bella cuts her arm at her birthday party
Jasper: Blood!
Edward: We're leaving. I don't love you anymore (except I do).
Bella: Nooo!!
Lots of time passes
Bella: Holy crow, I've turned into a zombie. Oooh, motorcycles!
Jacob: I can fix those up for you!
Bella: Let's go do something crazy so I can hear Edward's voice in my head.
Bella runs into Laurent
Laurent: Human! Must kill!!
Bella: Oh noes! And all my vampire friends are gone. Who will save me??
Wolves run through and chase Laurent.
Bella: What just happened here?
Fangirls: What just happened here??
Jacob: I can't be your friend anymore, Bella. I'm sorry.
Bella: Why does everyone hate me??
Jacob: Remember when I told you about the cold ones?
Bella: Yeah…
Jacob: Remember what else I told you?
Bella: ZOMG! You're a werewolf!?
Fangirls: ZOMG! Jacob's a werewolf?
Jacob: Yay I avoided the rules! Come hang out with the pack.
Bella: Cool. You guys are nice.
Jacob: You're being stalked by a vampire.
Bella: Oh noes! Victoria's out to kill me because Edward killed James...
Pack: We'll protect you, Bella.
Fangirls: Where's Edward??
Bella: Hmm, I think I'm gonna try cliff diving.
Alice: Noooo! I just saw Bella kill herself…
Rosalie: Hey, Eddie, your girlfriend's dead!
Edward: Gasp! I must get the Volturi to kill me!
Alice: Edward's gonna kill himself. Bella, we need to save him!
Bella: I've gotta save Edward. Bye, Jacob. Tell Charlie I'm sorry if I die.
Alice: Let's fly to Italy! And steal a car!
Bella: As long as we save Edward.
Edward is about to step into the sunlight and expose all of the vampires
Bella: EDWARD!!
Edward: Whoa…I'm in heaven? Cool.
Bella: No! We're not dead.
Volturi: Must kill the human who knows our secrets…
Alice: But we're gonna turn her into a vampire.
Volturi: Okey-dokey then.
Bella: WHEN??
Edward: Never!!
Jacob: If you turn her you'll start a war with the werewolves.
Bella: Et tu, Jacob? Stupid backstabbing werewolf…
Fangirls: Yay! No more Jacob!
Stephenie: Sorry…he comes back in book 3. And I like him.
Eclipse: The Condensed Version
Edward: There's a crazy vampire in Seattle killing lots of people.
Bella: Eew.
Edward: Hey, let's go visit your mother in Florida!
Bella: Why??
Edward: Why not? You're going to be a vampire in a few months, so you'd better go soon.
Bella: Crap, I forgot…I mean, yay! I'm going to be a vampire!
Edward: You're not having second thoughts, are you??
Bella: Of course not…why does Jacob hate me?
Edward: Jacob's too dangerous for you. I can protect you better than he can.
Jacob: Edward's too dangerous for you. I can protect you better than he can…by the way, Victoria was here last weekend.
Bella: Ahhhhh!!
Edward: Bella, I'm keeping you in protective custody so you don't go near the werewolves.
Bella: Haha, I snuck off to be with my friend Jacob!
Edward: I hate Jacob.
Jacob: I hate Edward, but I love you, Bella.
Bella: I'm Switzerland. Why can't we be friends?
Edward: You know what? Go ahead and hang out with the stupid werewolf.
Bella: Yay!
Jacob: Yay!
Fangirls: She'd better pick Edward…
Jasper: There's an army of newborn super-strong vampires in Seattle!
Jacob: Victoria's still stalking you, Bella. And I still love you.
Alice: Hey, how many people can I invite to your graduation party?
Edward: Bella, marry me!
Bella's head explodes
Bella: Everything's clear now! All right, Edward, I'll marry you. Hey, I'd bet Victoria's in charge of the vampire army, too! Yo, vamps and werewolves, we all want the army gone, right? Can we call a truce?
Cullens: Okay…
The pack: Fine.
Both sides grumble.
Bella: Yay! Now, nobody die, okay?
Jacob: You don't love me. I'll go be a hero now.
Bella: Jacob, don't be a hero! I do love you, for real! And it only took me 530 pages to figure it out.
Bella kisses Jacob passionately.
Fangirls: NOOOOOOOOOO!!11!!1
Edward: Look, I ripped Victoria's arm off! And her head. Yuck.
Bella: Yay she's dead! Now I can relax…oh wait, no, I can't.
Volturi: Hey, we've got a cameo! Why isn't Bella a vampire yet?
Edward: It's happening in the next book, after we get married. For real this time.
Bella: Love triangles suck. But I still pick Edward. But I love Jacob almost as much! Emo cry!
Alice: Wow, I'm gonna plan your wedding!! Thank you thankyouthankyou!!
Bella: Don't invite Jacob, please?
Edward: Um, okay...
Jacob gets an invitation from Edward
Jacob: Oh noes! What will I do when Bella turns evil? Or what if she dies? I love Bella. I don't know what I'm going to do.
Jacob runs away into the forest.
Fangirls: Good riddance. May you never return!
Stephenie: Hey, be nice! Or I'll never write book four.
Fangirls: Meep. Sorry.
A/N: This was inspired by "The Entire Series of Angel Like Uber Quick" by SSBoy--link on my profile!