A/N: Yeah, so, I know I have like 4 multichaptered stories to work on, but I couldn't resist writing this and putting it up. I don't know if I'll finish it; I'll probably add at least 3 or 4 chapters, but it's not top priority. I mean, I don't even know if it's funny. Is it funny? Did I try too hard? Lol.

This was heavily influenced by Attack of the Cliched Plots by MooseyDoom777. If you like this, read that. If you don't like this, read that anyway. I assure you it is 500 times funnier... and I'm guilty of writing some of those cliches... lol.

Anyway, I hope you all like this. And I'm sorry to everyone who's waiting for me to get off my ass and update WLoM or Secrets, but I'll probably be uploading the first chapters of two new stories sometime this week, bringing my total of WIPs up to...7? Ahh. Don't worry, I'm good at prioritizing (...not...). But I'll try my best to focus on writing the stories people want to read, you know?

Ahh, whatever. Tell me what you think about this story, okay? Thanks. :)

disclaimer: don't own South Park... or American Idol... or Hello Kitty... la-di-dah...

The (Totally Epic) Adventures of Mary Sue

It was a dark and stormy night. As the torrent of rain battered the window, rattling the glass, two boys, one dark-haired, one with fiery curls, huddled under a tent of blankets, shivering-

Oops, sorry. Wrong story (this is what happens when you try to work on 4,000 fics at once…)

Um… wait. Hang on.

Please hold while author scrolls through Microsoft Word documents.

Let's see… Secrets… Pain… Hot Sex Scenes featuring Stan and Kyle… oh crap, you're not supposed to know about that one. Oh, here it is. The Totally Epic Adventures of Mary Sue.

You still with me? Good. Unleash the epicness!

It was a snowy day in South Park, Colorado. You know, 'cause snow is so rare there, I just had to mention it. Anyway, said snow covered everything: the ground, the houses, the church, and, of course, South Park High School.

Inside South Park High School, classes were in session. There were four of them, by the way. Classes, I mean. Nobody wondered why, exactly, South Park had its own high school, when the enrollment had reached a high of 104 students five years before. Nobody questioned why these 104 students (now it was 97) had to have a building all to themselves; I mean, wouldn't it have been much more convenient for these kids to go to Middle Park High?

But alas, that is the way of the world. Maybe someday one of the South Park taxpayers will raise the issue to the mayor; when that happens, if that happens, I will be glad to share the story with you. But for now, let's return to the tale at hand.

Inside room 2, twenty-five sophomore students were hard at work memorizing the order of the eliminations of each American Idol contestant for the last nine seasons. It might be interesting for the reader to note that Idol, at the time this story is being written, is only on its seventh season; that may be the reason for the confused state most of the kids were quite obviously in. Either that, or they'd realized their teacher was a complete and utter idiot.

But c'mon, didn't you figure that out by the end of the first season?

Mr. Garrison, the idiotic gender-confused teacher who, for some unknown reason (perhaps budget cuts?) had taught the current sophomore class every year since the third grade, sat at his desk, reading some naughty romance novel or other, oblivious to the noise of his class. I've included, for your interest, snippets of the shouts Mr. Garrison was not hearing:

"Dude! Ew! It's on your leg!"

"TIMMAH!"

"and I was like, 'No way! Do you really think he's hot?'"

"Oh, crap, it is on my leg! Shit!"

"Mmmmpffmm mmmfpmfph mmmm!!"

"Aw, hamburgers, it was Haley, then Sanjaya…"

And so on and so forth.

It was about this time that a girl was making her way slowly-

Oh shoot, I forgot to give you the all-important Overview of Characters (aka What They've Been Up To Since We Last Saw Them Six Years Ago). Lemme get that out of the way really quick so we can move on with the story.

First of all, there was Stanley Marsh, commonly known as Stan. He had long, sexy raven-black hair (he'd ditched the hat years ago) and stunning deep blue eyes that sometimes turn brown whenever I forget to check what color I made them. He was captain of the SPHS football team, the Cows, and was the most popular guy in school, currently dating Wendy Testaburger, renowned cheerleader/debate team co-captain. He wasn't too smart, but he was very, very emotional and just so happened to be deeply in love with his Super Best Friend, Kyle-

Shoot. Wasn't supposed to tell you that yet… pretend you never heard that.

Anyway, while we're on the subject, Kyle Broflovski was South Park High's biggest nerd. Jewfro, big nose, glasses (apparently he's always had 'em. Guess I missed the memo), and better grades than anyone, even Wendy. Though her GPA of 4.9 came pretty close… Kyle, despite being such a geek, was popular because he was Stan's Super Best Friend (read as: secret gay crush) and of course, the second main character. You know, Stan, then Kyle, Cartman, Kenny… though if you ask any fangirl around, they'll tell you Kyle is the hottest and therefore THE MOST IMPORTANT character!!11!!1!!11 Duh.

Eric Cartman, the world's most famous bigoted asshole (and the world has a lot of famous bigoted assholes, so you know I'm pretty serious here), had undergone many drastic changes since elementary school. For one, he was no longer fat (gasp!). Calm down, calm down - he's still big (yay!)… but that's all muscle (readers attack author, screaming things along the lines of "How could you!" and "You ruined him!"). See, as Cartman went through puberty, he experienced a growth spurt, which somehow balanced out all that fat. And as if that weren't miraculous enough, he'd somehow managed to become hunky and muscular without lifting a finger or touching a piece of lettuce (the Cheesy Poof diet! Maybe he should market that). Behind all that muscle, though, was the same fatass we know and love/hate – he was still racist, anti-Semetic, greedy, selfish, etc., etc., etc. He still hadn't gotten a girlfriend, but he was deeply in love with – you guessed it – Wendy Testaburger, his debate team partner-in-crime.

And that leaves us with Kenny McCormick (because really, even though Wendy, Butters, Craig, Tweek, Pip, Bebe, and the others still exist, they are usually reserved for pairing purposes only in the fanfiction world). Kenny had gotten poorer over the years; his father, once a harmless drunk, now abused Kenny and his brother Kevin, both physically and sexually. Maybe this contributed to the fact that Kenny was, of course, bisexual (come to think of it, why is he always bi?) and was considered the second biggest whore in South Park (after Liane Cartman, of course. I mean, duh.) Kenny wore the same old jacket, but the hood usually rested around his shoulders, letting people get a full look at his SUPER HOTTT face. Which was almost always bruised.

So anyway. The class (read as: Butters) was working diligently on the assignment, happily chattering about enlightening topics such as Kyle's ass, Bebe's boobs, and Stan's deep, sexy brown eyes (oops, sorry, I meant blue. See? I told you!) when suddenly the classroom door flew open and in walked the most beautiful girl any of them had ever laid eyes on.

She had long, silky black hair that fell to her waist and shone when she moved; her eyes were deep, possibly deeper than Stan's, and the color of a stormy sky. She was thin and tall (but not too tall) and had boobs bigger than Bebe's that were currently modeling a purple halter top that perfectly complimented her white short-shorts.

Okay, can I stop describing her beauty? I'm making myself nauseous here.

She flashed a grin at no one in particular, and her perfectly white teeth nearly blinded half the class. Mr. Garrison stood up and joined her at the front of the room.

"Class, we have a new student joining us today. Please try not to kill or in any way injure- um- "

"Crystal Jazzmyne Amethyst Rose Hermione Ivorie Kaitlynne Brovlofski," she said in a voice as sweet as an angel's. "But my friends call me Mary Sue."

"All right, Mary Sue," said Mr. Garrison. "Why don't you take a seat next to… oh, I know, how about right in the middle of Stan, Kyle, and Eric? Kenny, you find somewhere else to sit." (This makes little sense, seeing as there were seats open next to Wendy, Bebe, and Butters.)

Kenny mumbled something along the lines of "Damn it, why me?"

"Because you're poor," replied Cartman, his eyes fixed on Mary Sue, who was currently walking slowly towards her (Kenny's) desk. Kenny flipped Cartman off as he passed. Cartman returned the favor. Craig lifted his middle finger to absolutely no one in particular.

"Dude, she's hot," whispered Kyle to Stan. "Think she'd go out with me?"

"Didn't she say her last name's Broflovski? Wouldn't that be, like, incest?"

"No, dude, her last name's Brovlofski. Totally different. There's no way we're related." Stan rolled his eyes and sat back up in his seat. This was bad. Very bad. How could he get Kyle to date him if his eyes were on that- that new girl?

Mary Sue settled into her seat. She was actually very, very shy, despite her revealing clothes and flashy smile. She began to worry – who would she be friends with? Who would she eat lunch with? Back in insert random faraway place name here, she hadn't had many friends (see, she was considered ugly there. Makes you wonder…) and she was nervous, because there was obviously a very strict caste system here at South Park High. Haven't you noticed? It's soooo cliquey!

The boy in front of her looked nice; he had raven-black hair and sexy blue eyes- wait, we went through that already. On her right was- was it a boy or a girl? A boy, she decided, with extremely curly red hair. He was cute. She guessed the boy on her left must the captain of the football team or something – how else could he be so muscular? (Cheesy Poofs, I'm telling you!) A blond kid with light blue eyes turned in his seat and waved to her. Good; at least she knew one kid here was nice, though the fact that he was wearing a pink Hello Kitty t-shirt frightened her a bit.

Several hours went by (which I will not take the time to describe – you guys want the good stuff, don't you?) until the bell for lunch finally rang. The students pushed through the door and into the large cafeteria (why they needed a large cafeteria, I do not know), filling their trays and grabbing tables so quickly it seemed as if they had seat assignments. Which, perhaps, they did; it wouldn't be that far-fetched, now would it?

Before long, Mary Sue was the only student without a table. She was faced with the terrible, horrible, nerve-racking decision of –

where to sit.

WHO will Mary Sue sit with? Will it be WENDY'S GROUP? CRAIG AND THOSE GUYS? or THE MAIN CHARACTERS, STAN, KYLE, CARTMAN, AND KENNY, AROUND WHOM THE SHOW (AND THIS STORY) REVOLVES?

Have fun trying to figure it out. I love cliffhangers, don't you?