Please?
SpongeBob's inane attempts to get Squidward to lend him his toothbrush. Somewhat random.

I'm going for something different here – as DeterminedX2 writes her slash, I tried to write this in the spirit of the show.

Disclaimer: insert standard I don't own SpongeBob quip here.

Squidward was snuggled up betwixt the bedcovers, dreaming pleasant dreams. He dreamt that something he'd painted was so enthralling that people were cancelling appointments just to look at it. It was only the Mona Lisa with Squidward's nose, but to the dream citizens it was a work of art, a masterpiece, a -

"Squidward, can I borrow your toothbrush?"

The voice of a poriferan optimist popped the dream bubble. One of Squidward's eyes snapped open, and sure enough SpongeBob was right in front of him. (He suppressed screaming in fright - he was used to it by now.)

"Please, can I?"

"No." Squidward rolled over, trying to shut out all that yellow.

"Please, Squidward?"

"No."

"Please?"

"What happened to your own toothbrush?"

"Well, Patrick was eating at my place, and he--"

"Never mind. I don't want to know." Squid's head found a comfy new home under the pillow.

"Please?"

"No, SpongeBob. Ask someone who cares."

Having established breakfast, Squidward was now priming himself up in the bathroom, getting ready for the mundane day's events. Checking his pupils, his pores, his pretty much everything. That said, he was hardly shocked when he saw SpongeBob's face in the medicine cabinet.

"Please can I borrow your toothbrush?"

"SpongeBob, I thought I told you to ask someone who cares."

"You're the only one who cares."

Squidward stopped himself from bursting out into a cackle just in time; merely a tick graced his deadpan expression. "You reckon."

"Pleeeeeeeeease, Squidward?" SpongeBob turned on the puppy-dog eyes. "My breath's getting a little briny."

Squidward shut the cabinet. "Too much information."

Squidward managed to squeeze in a quick clarinet solo before work. For a duet, it thought it was a great solo performance. His playing was stopped (much to the delight of everyone in town) by a knock at the window.

A look outside revealed it to be SpongeBob again. "Please?"

"No, SpongeBob. I have better things to do than freely lend out toothbrushes to window danglers."

"Then how come I saw you lending out water to that green guy last night?" SpongeBob asked suspiciously.

"I was watering my kelp plants, SpongeBob - something that the kelp in your head seems to be lacking." (He sniggered to himself. Heh, kelp in the head. Heh. Lacking water.

"I don't know, Squidward." SpongeBob's voice rose a couple of notes here. "You can never be too careful against… Kelp-dangling-off-the-window-burglar!"

In response, Squidward shut the window, causing SpongeBob to fall off. This was the third time he'd lost his arms in a fortnight.

Not content with getting his arms back, SpongeBob continued to bug Squidward at work about the toothbrush.

"Please?"

"no."

"Please?"

"no."

"Please?"

"no."

"Please?"

"Don't you have to fry cook, SpongeBob?"

"Please?"

Squidward took the opportunity to be sarcastic. "Uh-oh, someone doesn't care about the customer."

Temporarily defeated, SpongeBob popped his head back into the grill room…only for it to return a second later. "Order up, Squidward."

Squid grudgingly took the order and handed it to the customer. Who was, coincidentally, the only customer in the restaurant at the moment.

"Now, where were we…? Oh yeah - Please?"

"no."

"Please?"

"no."

During the lunch rush, Squidward finally found the opportunity to listen to his iShell. It wasn't conventional cashier behaviour, but maybe some mindless punk rock would block out SpongeBob's insistent tooth-brush obsessing.

Sadly, as much as the ears were blocked, Squidward couldn't prevent the smell from getting in. It was surprising what a morning without a two-minute brush could do to normally shiny teeth - they were now yellow, and smelling a lot. It was all Squidward could do to hold his breath.

The next order-up came quickly, for some reason with a little tag on it. Squidward lifted up the patty to see what it was. The word "please" was written in ketchup.

SpongeBob spent the rest of the rush with ketchup on his face.

The smell was getting worse now. It was even starting to turn the tide of customers which had been flowing for two hours.

And you all know what that means, folks.

"Mr Squidward!" Mr Krabs immediately rushed to his bad-business scapegoat. "What's the meaning of this? That smell from the grill is drivin' away all me customers!"

Squidward didn't glance up from his copy of How To Live With An Infectious Neighbor. "SpongeBob's problem, not mine."

SpongeBob appeared through the window at the mention of his name. "Please, Squid?"

"Not now, SpongeBob."

"What does the lad have to do with any of this, Mr Squidward?"

"I don't know, something about wanting to borrow my toothbrush because Patrick ate or something. I wasn't really paying attention."

SpongeBob, left hanging, tried to join in again. "Toothbrush, Squid. Can I borrow it?"

"Not now, SpongeBob, the adults are talking."

To Mr Krabs, the solution was simple - get rid of the smell, get the money. "Why don't ye just give him yeh own toothbrush?"

Squid grew angry. "Not you too, Mr Krabs! I can't give personal possessions to everybody! I might as well say that that random fish in the corner there can borrow my clarinet whenever the barnacle he wants!"

"I can?" The fish Squidward had pointed to suddenly looked happier. "Gee, thanks!"

"No no I didn't mean-"

"Hey everybody! Clarinet party at my place!"

With that, the whole restaurant was vacated, leaving Squidward behind to suffer the wrath of his boss and coworker.

It was becoming almost unbearable. The worst part was, Squidward didn't know whether that sentence applied to the smell or the sponge's persistence.

"Please, Squiddy? Pretty please?"

"No."

"With a cherry on top?"

"No."

"With sugar?"

"No."

"With sugar and a cherry?"

"No."

"I'll clean out your clarinet."

"No."

"I'll help you with your painting."

"No."

"I'll alphabetize your doll collection."

"No -- wait. How did you know I had a doll collection?"

This threw him. "Uh... internet?"

"Just get back to work, SpongeBob."

Squidward was now very tired. Overtime at the Krusty Krab was less appealing than ever, now that SpongeBob was stinking up the place.

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?" SpongeBob made the puppy eyes again.

OK, time to negotiate. "SpongeBob, if I lent you my toothbrush, how do I know you won't run off with it and lose it?"

"You can trust me, Squidward."

"Heh, no I can't, I should know that better than anyone."

SpongeBob turned away sadly. "Squidward, I am hurt and appalled. I always take care of your possessions, don't I?"

"Hah! You wiped out my entire Frank Sardina collection within fifteen minutes of you stealing it!"

"I didn't know there was a magnet convention going on in my house!!"

Sigh. "Knowing you, you probably invited them in."

"Did not! I got distracted when Pearl asked me to come up to the anchor and push her buttons. She spoke to me today earlier actually; said something about me petting her cat."

"So?"

"Pearl doesn't have a cat."

Squidward's eyes bulged beyond capacity at the image. "... Just...no, SpongeBob."

Finally, after a very long day, it was time for bed. Squidward had had the most frustrating day in a month of Mondays. But at least it was all over now.

"Squidward?"

Alas.

"Squidward, can I -"

At this final push, Squidward toppled over the edge of the cliffs in his mind. "Fine, yes, SpongeBob! Just take the stupid toothbrush and get out!!"

"...Thanks, Squid!" SpongeBob picked up the toothbrush from Squidward's bathroom and spent a few minutes brushing his teeth. When they were at brightness levels again, he turned to his neighbor. "I'm done, you can have it back now."

An annoying twitch started under Squid's eye.

"That's OK. You can keep it."

Two days later…

"Oh, mornin' SpongeBob. What can I do ya for?"

"Sandy, can I borrow your toothbrush?"

Evidently, SpongeBob hadn't learnt that inviting Patrick round for a chilli-Patty meal with toothbrushes in the house wasn't exactly the best idea.