Thank you once again to all the authors who helped me finish this fic back in the day: Fallacy, Cynchick, and J-Pop Princess.

Chapter 11

lol wut

Sakura opened her eyes and squinted at the clock beside her bed. Noon?

"Dammit," she muttered to herself, scrambling out of bed and thrashing out of the confining sheets. "I was supposed to be in the lab five hours ago. God fucking dammit, those samples are dead as hell." Her stomach growled loudly. "And I'm hungry."

She stripped off her pajamas as fast as she could without tearing them and dashed into the bathroom, turned on the shower blindly and jumped into the freezing cold spray, which rapidly turned boiling hot, and then freezing again, and then decided on that place in the middle that isn't hot or cold or comfortable.

God, she smelled weird. Kind of like seven brands of men's cologne all rolled up into one disgusting ball of cheap. Post-shower, Sakura decided on her usual prisoner of Akatsuki garb (underwear, skirt, loose t-shirt, no bra, and her boots of death), and wandered to the bedroom door, brushing her hair as she went.

Tap, tap, tap.

" What ."

She waited, hoping it wasn't Deidara or Hidan's turn to baby-sit her all damn day. Well, it was only a checkup every hour or so, but still pretty freaking annoying when they got all close to her and breathed on her neck in the most creepy, lewd fashion imaginable. Mostly Deidara. He had a thing about staring at her, for some godforsaken reason.

But coming to take the seals off her door in the morning was the worst. They would stand outside the door until she was screaming in frustration to be let out—there was no point in sitting in there out of spite, because they had no qualms about letting her sit there for weeks on end—and then pinched her in indecent places on the walk to the lab.

But…no one answered this time. Was this her punishment for sleeping in?

"Shit. Hello? I said I'm sorry."

She banged on the door angrily. "Hey, if you don't let me out, you're all going to die of pneumonia in the winter when the freezing rain hits, and—wha?"

The door gave way and slowly creaked open, and a phantom breeze blew down the deserted hallway.

"That's…" Sakura pursed her lips suspiciously. She edged out of the door, glancing back and forth nervously. "...is this a test?" She was completely into the hallway now, flexing her fists by habit despite the lack of chakra there.

And then it hit her like a ton of bricks.

"Wait. Oh, my god." She leaned against the doorframe and slid down to the floor, legs splayed out in front of her. It was like waking up years after graduation scared of taking a test she hadn't studied for. No one was coming to get her. Of course not. The seals weren't on her door anymore. Because she'd made them take the seals off weeks ago in a fit of rage, in between chasing Kisame down for round thirty-seven and having glare-offs with Itachi as they circled around a piece of office furniture in a naked deadlock.

She slid the rest of the way down until she was spread-eagle on the floor. "Oh, wow. I did that. I've been doing that." The rest of the dream haze dissipated until all that remained was a reality far more strange than any she could've concocted on her own. Had she really just been fucking an entire criminal organization for weeks? How long had it been.

Or getting fucked, in Sakura's case concerning Konan.

A flood of memories washed over her, leaving a severe blush in their wake. Now that had been one contingency her sex-addled mind hadn't prepared for. True to her word, Konan had been quite pleased when Sakura took the older woman's invitation to see her again. And again and again. There were so many interesting things she could do with vibrators. And a strap-on. And ropes. Sometimes all at once. And sometimes just two fingers and some kissing did the trick, to Konan's amusement.

Sakura wondered if same-sex marriage was legal in Ame, and if Konan would like a spring wedding.

And that's when Sakura realized that her entire body felt content and sated for the first time since...well, since Zetsu. "Shit," Sakura muttered to herself. "That took a long time to wear off."

A small part of her psyche reminded her of the low probability of a single medication having the kind of sexual and long-lasting effects she'd experienced. The entire psyche was promptly executed for its crimes. There were some things you just didn't admit even to yourself. At this point, there was nothing else to do but scrounge up some breakfast on her own.

She headed towards the kitchen, but stopped when she tripped over a brightly colored box that she had embarrassingly missed at first glance. On top of it, there was a note, and on the bottom, a chakra seal.

" Here they are. They didn't have the brand you wanted, but these should work ...? " She read, highly confused. "From…who? Wait, these are pregnancy tests. The hell? "

But just because she felt like it, and because of a deeply panicked suspicion, she did three of them, all of which came out positive. The ball of panic threatened to emerge unrestrained, but her emaciated logical side emerged from its hidey-hole to point out that, as she was not the one who handled the tests, they may very well be altered. Or a trick: revenge for plowing her way through this harvest of men like a drunk farmer seeing rainclouds in the distance. Fortuitously, she had a pregnancy test of her own in her bag in case of emergencies like this one, and it was considerably more accurate than those grungy things.

Of course, the fact that that one came out positive as well was pretty fucking disturbing. And it was a prototype designed by Tsunade to test based on the fluctuations in a woman's chakra, and seeing as how she had just enough chakra to pass off as a civilian and it still picked up the subtle signs…

"Fuck. Shit. God dammit." Life always found a way. Of course, Life probably had a much easier way when it had been figuratively paved and contained numerous helpful signs and Life had been given a map with GPS capabilities.

And she sat on her bed in a cloud of post-sexual contentedness, ignoring the part of her screaming that said she should take advantage of the havoc she'd caused to haul ass back to Konoha immediately.

These annoying thoughts were promptly drowned out by another terrific stomach growl.

"Okay, time to eat," she barked at no one in particular, and stormed out of the bedroom and down the hallway into the arc of light leading into the kitchen, where she stopped on a dime at the sight that greeted her:

Kisame, sprawled out on a couch, wrapping Samehada in bandage after bandage roll.

Sasori, counting a huge wad of cash next to a pile of DVDs.

Zetsu, having a loud argument with himself about 'new leadership, and what it could mean for us.'

Tobi, reading the newspaper at the table, ignoring everyone around him and tipping up the mask every so often to sip at a martini.

Hidan, staring at her with a disturbingly blank look on his face.

Kakuzu, glancing at her before looking away, then repeating the cycle endlessly.

Deidara, pale as death with enormous dark circles under his eyes, hair a mess, trying to keep himself awake in the armchair he sat in.

Itachi, peering at her intently from another chair, looking healthier than he'd been in years.

Pain...nowhere to be found.

Konan, lounging on the couch like a queen, eating her breakfast like nothing was wrong.

And for all of that, there were only three words needed to sum it all up.

"What the hell?"

Suddenly, all attention focused on her. Not threatening, but…incredibly intense. What was happening here? She'd never seen them all in one room at the same time. Even bijuu extractions, she knew, were often done remotely. Some of the past few weeks were a haze of orgasms and temper tantrums, but she couldn't remember anything that would cause them to gather in one place like this.

"I'm going to get some orange juice," she announced, buying more time to think, think, think, Sakura. Did you tell them to meet up? What were you going to say? Is this just a precursor to an orgy?

"Do whatever you want," Kakuzu growled. "It's your damn fridge now, Miss Leader."

"You told us to come here, you dumb bitch. We've been waiting for hours," Hidan snapped.

"I dun wanna do it again…yeah…jus' give me a break today, jus' one day…I'm dying here, woman," Deidara moaned before his head smacked the end of the table and he passed out.

And the rest of them just stared. She stared back. And her traitorous memory provided her with some Best Of selections in which she had essentially fucked Pain into submission and the rest-save for Konan-into supporting her naked coup. But this was fucking ridiculous. She couldn't lead a terrorist organization, and she didn't want to. She wanted to go home.

And she wanted to marry Konan and eat her out every day for the rest of their lives.

An idea came, fully formed, to her mind. Hadn't she told everyone that it had been some sort of chemical concoction at fault for her behavior? If she could just make it convincing... Yes. It was perfect.

"Wait, what day is it?"

"Thirtieth," Tobi muttered darkly from behind his newspaper.

"What?" Sakura pulled the newspaper down and gaped at the date.

"But—but—was I sleeping the whole month or something? What the hell is going on? I don't remember anything that went on this past month! The first thing I know, I'm testing chemicals in the lab, and…the thirtieth!"

She plopped in Deidara's armchair, endeavoring to look as shaken as possible, while the very biotic chair cushion beneath her lay limp as a dead fish. One by one, the facial expressions around her changed into various forms of disbelief, exuberance, apathy, and relief. Deidara just sat there with his mouths open and three tongues hanging out. Konan smiled.

"You don't…remember anything?" Hidan asked with uncharacteristic caution.

"Well, no, obviously. Does anyone know where Pain is? I want to know what's up here."

"Oh, you won't find him," Zetsu sighed. "Konan informed us he was going on an extremely long mission to, and I quote, "find himself." She was very close-mouthed about where to or what for. In his absence, however, you performed something of a small coup shortly after the departure, and no one really offered any real resistance… I don't think anyone liked him much."

Good, good...these idiots were lapping it up like gravy. The old I Got Amnesia trick. Classic. Though...Sakura had a very strong suspicion that Konan wasn't lapping up shit except satisfaction, but Sakura would deal with that later. In Konan's bedroom. Getting pounded with the biggest dildo legally available. If she was lucky. She walked to the fridge and drank the orange juice straight out of the container until it was all gone. She felt their eyes follow her.

"So why is this my fridge again?"

"Oh, no reason," Kakuzu muttered quickly. "It's better if you don't know. Now I can at least try to put this past month out of my mind."

"I can't believe I even put up with all that crap. I'll bet she was on drugs," Kisame said, both hands covering his face.

Sasori left the room on a cell phone, talking to someone about payments and promotions and 'the biggest thing since Kunoichis Let Loose III: Bigger, Looser, There's Watersports in This One .'

Itachi just kept staring, although it was a different stare from before. She stared back, trying to read it. Disappointment? Dejection? Heartache? Huh. Not her problem.

And Deidara coughed and sighed in his sleep, muttering 'not so hard' and 'I can't feel my hands' and 'I dun wanna suck it' before trying to turn over. This didn't work, obviously, since Sakura was currently using his body as a large pillow.

"So…this is awkward," Sakura said. "I…hope things can go relatively back to normal after today…"

"Yeah, right."

"...but perhaps it's better if I just left and we forgot about this whole thing." A few of them shrugged, and Tobi gave her a long stare before returning to his paper. And it all would have gone smoothly from there if her brain hadn't kicked her awareness in the ass and whispered you're pregnant you dumb bitch into her figurative ear.

"HEY."

Everyone flinched hard.

"I know it was one of you. There's no fucking way it could be anyone else. "

They waited like prey animals huddling in a corner. Was she remembering? Was she…back? No. It was worse.

"I am fucking pregnant. And until the asshole who did it fesses up, I will make your lives a living hell."

Sakura had never, in her entire life, seen a room cleared of men so fast. In their hurry, Deidara was left behind, and when the pink-haired, recently-impregnated kunoichi stood to watch the hasty escape, he fell out of the chair and collapsed on the floor, snoring heavily. Even his hands snored. That was creepy.

"Well, that wasn't very nice," Konan said. She hadn't shifted position once since Sakura entered the room.

"Yes, well," Sakura tried. "Fuck 'em," she finished, looking down and picking imaginary dirt off of her clothes. A well manicured hand took her chin and tipped her face up. Sakura melted into the offered kiss, but Konan released her mouth with a wet pop and walked toward the exit with stately grace.

"I'll be in my apartments. Don't make me wait more than fifteen minutes and I might let you be on top this time," she called over her shoulder. Sakura watched her go and then walked to her room in a daze once everyone was long gone.

She slowed in front of the greenhouse door, her eye catching a hint of black and red ducking under the hydrangeas. Zetsu…was he the dad?

God, I hope not. But if that was the case, who did she hope it was? Was she even going to keep it? Sakura rested a hand on her bedroom door. She'd already showered, so was there even a reason to go in? Probably not. And she really didn't want to keep Konan waiting. There was a 75% chance that Konan's parting words were a power play and she'd end up held down and spanked, but there was a 25% chance that Konan would let Sakura put on the strap, dial the vibrator settings up to ten and take her to fucking town. Either way, Sakura won.

Wobbling a bit, Sakura continued down the hallway, not stopping to acknowledge Hidan's attempt at hiding behind an artificial ficus. What use were men to her now, when women like Konan existed? It seemed silly now to seek release in their arms when Konan and her many shapes of butt plugs existed.

And as for her escape...well, she'd worry about that some other time.

A/N: So when I posted the original version of this, my very last request of my readers was for them to include in their comment who they thought the dad was. I thought this would be funny. It was HILARIOUS.

If you read this fic and it made you happy in any way, PLEASE comment below with who you think fathered this poor child and include your 100% biologically sound justification.

Example: Kisame, because Kisame is my favorite. (very biologically sound)