Author's Note: As of October 2019, I am replacing these chapters with the updated and edited ones that I began reposting on my Ao3 account. If things read differently, that's why! Thanks to KorinaCaffeine for co-authoring this chapter.

And hey, even if this story is 10+ years old, I still love getting the occasional review on it! It warms my heart to see people still horn-dogging over this wildly pornographic parody I made with some friends. Feel free to drop a line if this is your first time, tenth time, or millionth time. I read and love them all.

Chapter 1

Zetsu

Sakura hummed, the tiny sound filling the spacious lab, reverberating off every available wall and surface.

All alone.

Again.

She clenched her teeth as she reached for another chemical, this time for herself. No more chakra-enhancers, no more ointments for battle wounds, no. This was something for her, something to make her forget. Something to make them pay.

Nothing dangerous, really, just a little harmless sedative, something to take her away for a day, to a place where nothing mattered. A place where she wouldn't be at their beck and call at every hour of the day. Sighing, she raised the beaker up to eye level to check for precipitates. Skim that off the top, add some more chemicals, whip it up, and voila. A round trip ticket to nowhere in the land of sorrow.

Sakura swished the liquid around in a decidedly unsafe manner, wondering what everyone back in Konoha would say if they saw her now. Judging by the manner of her abduction, they probably thought she was somewhere in the dungeon of the Terrifying Akatsuki Base being tortured and interrogated daily.

And, judging by the manner of her current surroundings, they couldn't be more wrong. She hadn't been tortured or interrogated once, something that relieved her at first and then just felt offensive. Surely she knew at least one thing they wanted. But it seemed all they needed was someone who knew shit about chemicals and chakra interaction, and Sakura was the regional expert on the subject, unfortunately.

Damn missions to small towns where abducting a powerful kunoichi was greatly possible.

She slammed her fist against the counter, creating a barely noticeable crack in the sterile plastic cover.

And damn her for going.

She'd been walking aimlessly in the streets, trying to find where the hell she was supposed to be when she felt a small prick in her lower back. Startled, she'd whipped around and pulled a small barb out of her back, and had time enough to be completely confused at the thorn-like object in her palm before she hit the ground unconscious.

Well, that certainly had been stupid of her. And so terribly predictable. She'd felt like she was being followed for hours, so why hadn't she done something about it?

Her embarrassing inability to protect herself on solo missions racked up one more tally on her list of things she hoped to forget in the next few minutes. A few more chemicals and it was all done: a strange, light blue chemical that gave off a silvery sheen when she passed it under the fluorescent lights.

It just wasn't fair. She expected to be down there in that imaginary torture room, and she wasn't. She was in a state-of-the-art chemistry lab, her every need was catered to, she had a goose-down mattress, she was treated cordially by all the men, and some of them even flirted with her. Like she wasn't even one bit of a threat.

At least the flirting was kept to minute innuendo, and not a full-blown pickup contest between sexually depraved shut-ins. Lucky for her, some of them didn't even care to look her way, namely Itachi and Kakuzu.

But what did that all matter? Even if they were nice to her, as nice as criminals could be, and even if she did get used to them over the weeks past and talked to them sometimes, things would never be normal.

"And that's where you come in," Sakura cheerfully informed the beaker of blue liquid. The beaker said nothing, only waited patiently for Sakura to down its contents and replace it on the countertop. Letting her body slither limply to the floor, she pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, prepared to be whisked away to a world of whipped cream and pretty little flowers.

Or something.

Thirty minutes later, Sakura still felt sad, guilty, and depressed.

" What?"

She stood up jerkily. Screw being sad, now she was just pissed. She picked up a stool sitting on the ground near her and heaved it over her head, and was about to launch it clean out the window when light taps on the lab door alerted her to a presence just outside. Sakura dropped the stool back down to the floor with a bang and rushed to the door, opening it.

Zetsu. He'd been an interesting one to know. His usual form split into two sides, one black and one white, and each with its own distinct personality and tone. Usually the more genial one dealt with her.

He brought a white hand up in between their bodies clutching a small, dark leaf. Nondescript and odorless, Sakura couldn't see what the point was. Oh, wait. He was saying something now. Or was he? Suddenly it was very hard to concentrate on his mouth. Suddenly it was very hard to concentrate on...a lot of things.

"Miss Sakura, I hope I haven't bothered your research, but I seem to have made a small error."

Indeed, there were many other things that were nice to concentrate upon.

"That plant you asked for…I gave you the wrong one for that antidote you said you were making today. It looks like I gave you the—"

She was glad he wasn't wearing the cloak right now. His abs showed through the fishnet on his midriff, and they were lovely to stare at.

"—a powerful stimulant which increases the flow of—"

Carry your gaze a bit lower, and there would be...hmm. She vaguely wondered what color he was down there. Could she find out? Probably.

"—user will be aware of their actions and capable of choice but their every depraved fantasy will suddenly—"

Right now? Absolutely. She felt bold now, no trace of sadness. Why was she sad again?

"—as I'm sure you already know, because it's a rather distinct-looking plant. It's used by many sex workers as a—Miss Sakura? Are you quite all right?"

She felt… good.

She did something she probably wouldn't have done otherwise, that being touching his flytrap. It was smooth to the touch, and he flinched, but watched her carefully, never really making a complaint about it.

"I never noticed how cool this thing looked," she admitted, and she slid a finger down the side of one of the leafy jaws. "It looks very endearing on you, Zetsu."

He tried to draw away this time. "Thank you, Miss Sakura, but about the plant—"

She felt like her insides were going to boil if Zetsu didn't give her some attention, so she took him by the hand and over by a long patient bench. "Do tell about this plant, Zetsu, but sit down."

He stared at her like she was about to pull a sword from her side and stab him through the heart, bright, golden eyes trained on her lips, her eyes, her chest for a split second, and then her eyes again.

She sat down beside him, and he turned halfway toward her, extending the plant. "This is a—"

She took the plant from him, running her fingers lightly over the back of his hand as the exchange took place. "Go on?"

He stopped only to catch the breath that had hitched in his throat. This wasn't like Miss Sakura. Wasn't like Miss Sakura at all. "It's a stimulant that is used primarily by concubines and—"

Her free hand slipped to his thigh, where she kneaded into the muscle, like she was remembering her medic-nin-issue massages, only not. Her fingers extended to his inner thigh, making a jolt of lust flare and then settle in his gut.

"—It's used to—"

"I know what it's used for," Sakura said, and she moved all that much closer to him. She dropped the plant in favor of tracing more of those jagged jaws around his head, tracing veins in the flytrap, passing over the tips and then plunging down. "But I wonder…how to use it?"

White Zetsu's composure was crumbling, and he reached out mentally to Black for direction. Oh, sure, he shouldn't be doing this— couldn't be doing this—because Sakura was the captive and the medic-nin and he should respect her and he should be a gentlemen and restrain himself… But it was so hard to do so when she was straddling his lap and running two warm, small hands under his shirt and up his bare chest. And Black Zetsu was silent, a neutral observer who refused to engage.

"U—usually," he started, trying to pay attention to anything but Sakura and what she was doing and why she should get off his lap right now, "one would grind it into powder and then stir it into a drink or sniff it; however, it is possible to chemically al—al—alter it."

"Mm, you don't say," Sakura purred, and she pressed her lips to his jaw, then his neck, sucking and licking and making Zetsu clench the cushion of the bench for all he was worth.

"Which is wh—what I believe you have done, taking into consideration your current disposition and the dilation apparent in your eyes."

"Don't worry about it," she soothed, breath against his skin, fingers threading into his hair, and she was sliding down his chest, off of his lap, and her knees were on the floor before him. "Just…relax."

"What are you—?"

She unfastened his pants, and all Black Zetsu snapped.

That simmering side of him, with the sinister thoughts and all of those perverse, delicious notions, was having a heyday. White Zetsu, though, was struggling quite nicely for a grab onto anything to anchor him to the here and now.

And the here and the now were currently Sakura drawing out his length, leaning her breasts on his thighs for better access to him, and her mouth—

Her breath—

She took him wholly into his mouth, and he felt his fingernails tear the fabric of the cushion beneath him.

"Sakura," he panted, furrowing his brow and trying to keep his breathing even. But it was so hard when she was sliding her tongue along the slit, circling the tip and the barest hint of her teeth across his flesh made him dizzy.

" Sakura," his dark side urged, and it wasn't a plea to stop, it was a thank you.

"Zetsu," she said, and it was in such a way that Zetsu that he was going to come right there and right now.

That said, she pulled away, and he almost whined at the loss. But she climbed onto his lap again, and before Zetsu knew what was going on and where he was, exactly, she eased him inside her.

The first contact was warm and slick and wet, and it was tight, best of all, and White Zetsu panicked, because what if it was her first time? What if a mistake she'd made had led her to this?

He took her by the hips and was about to tell her to get off, please, because he didn't want to hurt her and he was better than all this, damn it, but she clenched around him and he instantly forgot what he was doing.

She held onto his shoulders, bobbing up and down, using her knees as leverage, and he automatically thrust toward her a couple times. A groan slipped from his lips and he pushed his head back against the wall. Every muscle in his body was tense, from the jaws of the flytrap to the very tips of his fingers, and he gritted his teeth, trying to make it last. Make it last, make it last, yes, but he'd never done anything quite like this before, and before she'd just—with her mouth—and God, she was whimpering like that—

He couldn't help it. He just couldn't. He was sure he was leaving bruises on her hips that she could easily heal later, but it didn't matter, because there was just this impeccable sensation that she was going to pull the life out of him, that every nerve ending was sensitized down to his toes, that she was still making those noises and when had she even taken off her panties, and it didn't matter, didn't matter, didn't matter—

He came on a cry of three parts bliss and one part frustration, but it was wonderful nonetheless, and even when Sakura pulled off of him, growling for some reason and cleaning herself off with a nearby washcloth, he was sitting on Cloud Nine.

He finally gathered enough wits to fasten his pants again, and when he stood up, Sakura was gone.

He was confused for a second. Had she even climaxed? He couldn't remember—

"I wonder if we should tell her I was just kidding and that was just a leaf I found outside on the ground."

No. This will be fun to watch.

Sighing, he shuffled off to his quarters.