Key West Blues
Chapter 34
The moment he mentioned her name, her hands dropped and her feet backtracked until she hit the counter behind, and everything that was good and reassuring faded as the blackness passed over her eyes, weighted her limbs, settled in her heart. And she tried to fight it, to meet it head on, to be strong for him but she slid downwards.
--
Since the words left his mouth before he'd even thought them, he had little idea what to say or do as he watched her move away – move away as she'd done so many times before, so many times now that he couldn't even recall them all, but yet he knew them all. And as she slid downwards, his reactions kicked in and he caught her before she hit the floor, and he settled her into a sitting position, kneeling beside her, hand on her shoulder as her head dropped between her knees.
"Lindsay, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have blurted it out like. I should have thought before I said it."
--
Closing her eyes, head lolling back against the cabinet, she reached for his hand. "No, no, no, on some level I knew it was coming." She fought the quelling inside her. "And, and, I understand it. You have to see her again to make … make sure that, that she's okay and … that, that, that it's over."
He squeezed her hand, pulling it to his chest. "It is over Lindsay, I promise you it's over."
"I want to believe that."
"Then why don't you? I'm mean after all I've done, after all I've said, how we've made it through the past few days – together – after what you said to me tonight?"
She opened her eyes and straightened, pulling her hand from his, wrapping her arms around her knees. "Because when I first found out about Rikki and I asked you point blank if you had feelings for her, you said yes."
"Lindsay, I was so fucked up then. Ruben-"
"But that doesn't change the fact you admitted you had feelings for her. Danny I have to know what that's about."
He haunched back on his heels. "Okay." Sliding his hand up and down his thighs a few times first, he shifted into sitting cross legged on the floor in front of her. "It's so complicated, Lindsay. I'm not even sure I can explain it without you hating me."
"Try"
He rested his forearms on his knees and nodded. "Okay. Well, for starters, I felt her grief when Ruben died. I felt her emotional outpouring and it matched mine. And I felt with her what …" His shoulders hunched as he stared at the floor. "What I couldn't feel with you when you didn't come around after I left you in the morgue … and … and that made me angry."
"With me?"
Then he looked at her, at the tears building in her eyes and said it anyway. "Yeah, with you."
She swiped at the tears. "But if you'd just called me," then gripped her hands tighter around her knees, "if you'd just talked to me."
"I know, I know, but it wasn't just you I was angry with. I was angry with myself that Ruben's death had even happened, angry that I had to watch Rikki grieve, angry that I couldn't have prevented it, angry that I couldn't fix any of it – even though I tried." His hands began to gesture wildly. "And, and, and when you confronted me and told me you loved me, but that you had to find a way to let go I became even angrier."
"So when we talked in the locker room …"
"So when we talked in the locker room, my anger was so- so- … basically I had given up that I could ever right things between us, so I tried to give you what you wanted." He shifted onto his knees, palming her knees. "I'm sorry Lindsay that I hurt you like that but as much as it hurt, I knew it would give you a way to let go."
"But I didn't want to let go … not really, I just wanted to jar you, bring you back, you were so far away from me-"
"Like I said I was completely fucked up. And all I can say now is, once I've met with Rikki, I want to put this behind us. Do you think you'll ever be able to forgive me for, for completely-"
"Yeah, yeah I think I can." She wrapped her hands into his, her voice soft, "I mean I want to. But I can't promise – I'll just have to keep working on it."
Pulling her into his arms, tucking her head under his chin, he said. "We'll have to keep working on it."
--
She was tucked into the corner booth, hands wrapped around a steaming cup of tea, eyes lost to it contents. He slid into the booth without a word. She looked up, barely a smile, but a slight glimmer in her eyes – not the full dancing glimmer that had been there the morning he'd left with Ruben for the Blessing of the Bikes but still, a hint. And suddenly he felt lighter, felt good that he'd made the decision to meet her.
"I'm glad you called," she said then took a sip of her tea, eyes watching him above the rim.
"Yeah, yeah, it feels … right … to see you again." He shifted forward, forearms on the table.
She replaced the cup on the saucer. "So …"
"So I was just, you know, wondering how you've been doing."
"Good, I guess. I, umm, moved in with a friend when I moved out of the apartment."
"Someone you can talk to, you know lean on if-"
"Yeah, yeah, it's been a great arrangement. I can't complain. Certainly helps with the bills." She traced the rim of her cup with a finger. "But what about you?"
"Things are good, work is busy."
"And Lindsay?"
"She's great. Took a new job with the University."
"Are you guys together?"
"Yeah, we are. It's been tough but we've really worked through a lot. I think we're gonna make it."
Finally a full-on smile crossed her face. "I'm glad because I never meant to come between you two."
"No, no, no that wasn't you. If I'd been thinking straight I would have been a better friend to you, a better boyfriend to her, not taken advantage of the situation and-"
"Danny, you didn't-"
"Rikki, I did. I knew better but I let a lot of other emotions cloud my judgment."
"Stop … I think we were both guilty of that."
"Yeah, but I hurt Lindsay really bad and ... and … part of me still can't believe that I did it."
"Yeah, but you've worked through it and now you're together."
Her fingertips pressed against her eyes and he grabbed one of her hands as she dropped it. "I'm sorry, Rikki, so sorry about Ruben, that you lost him and now-"
"No, Danny, it's okay, really." She tried to tug her hand away but he held fast.
"But it must be hard at times, still."
"Yeah, but …" And this time she managed to pull her hand free as she slid from the booth and stood, pulling her purse strap to her shoulder.
He stood too. "I'm sorry, I upset you, I'm sorry." He gestured to the booth. "Sit down, let's talk this through."
Another finger press to the eyes, her breath long on the inhale then quick on the exhale as she dropped her hands and wrapped her fingers around the purse strap. "Danny, it was good to see you, really. And I'm glad you're doing well. But I need to go-"
"Wait." He stepped in front of her, she halted. "Please, I can't imagine leaving it like this."
"Danny, you're not leaving it like this." Her hands wrung the purse strap. "I'm leaving it like this."
"But why?"
"Because …" She loosened her grip on the strap, one hand palming his cheek as she answered softly, "because it's all I can handle at the moment." Then she dropped her hand and took a step back. "Please understand."
He nodded then stepped aside. She passed without another glance at him, he knew it, because he turned and watched her until she was out of sight.
And the light feeling evaporated.
--
She watched the subway exit, had watched it for the last half hour. He'd said he'd come by as soon as he had finished meeting with Rikki. Rikki. The name whether said aloud or imaged in thought still sent a tremor of insecurity through her. She knew what he'd said, that it was over, that he was with her now, that he loved her but … but … and then she saw him, striding up the stairs of the subway exit but instead of angling towards her building, he strode straight ahead, shoulders hunched, hands deep in the pockets of his jacket. She ran to the next window, eyes following him as he continued down the street and entered a store near the corner … the hardware store.
She watched again until a few minutes later he emerged, shoulders still hunched and hands still crammed deep in his pockets. She couldn't read his expression as he glanced right then left and angled across the street to her building, his stride as resolute as before. And then he was buzzing.
"Montana, it's me."
She buzzed him through and he must have double timed the steps for she'd barely unlocked the door than he was through it and she was in his arms.
"Danny," she said in breathy surprise. But that's all she could say as his lips captured hers, one hand tangled in her hair and the other traveled downward, hoisting one leg around his waist, the other she managed on her own as he carried her to the bedroom and rolled them onto the bed.
She knew his need in this moment, his need for movement, for release but also his need for closeness and reassurance too. So her hands roamed in sensual confidence, her lips encouraged an already raging fire, all questions tossed aside as clothes were barely pushed aside, him inside her in moments, her desire no less than his as they furiously peaked together then slid to a shuddering halt on the other side, panting, sweating, clothes twisted, legs tangling, arms wrapping tightly around each other, his face buried in her neck, his tears – so rare – trickling across her shoulder and onto the pillow, her hand stoking the back of head until he fell asleep and then she slept too.
When she awoke hours later, the moon had risen above the neighboring buildings, full and luscious, the skewed rectangle of light circumscribed about his shadow as he stood at the window.
She went to him, standing just behind him but not touching him, and he reached almost instantaneously behind him, an arm snaking around her waist as if he had sensed exactly where she stood. His hands ran restlessly up and down her arms then settled on her shoulders as he spoke.
"I don't think she'll ever get over it."
His forehead rested against hers as a thumb stroked her neck. She touched her lips gently to his and said, "Not completely, but time will dull the pain, fade the hurt …"
He pulled back, staring her full in the face, "Is that how it is for you, I mean, with the death of your friends?"
"Yeah it is."
"I can't fix it for her."
"No, you can't." Her hands rested at his waist, thumbs hooking through the belt loops of his jeans. "The only demons one can exorcise are their own." His sigh was deep, and her weight shifted from foot to foot as the question hammered in her head until she had no choice but to ask it. "Do you think you can let it go … let, let her go?"
"I'm trying Linds. I mean I want to. But I just have to keep working on it."
Her hands dropped from his waist and she ducked out of his arms, turning into the moonlight, her arms cloistering about her body. He stepped close to her, his breath whispering across her ear, "I mean we'll have to keep working on it, right?" And his hand appeared in front of her face, a key, held between his thumb and forefinger, catching the moonlight as he pulled her hand upwards, placing it into the palm of her hand, closing her fingers around it as his arms slid around her waist their hands intertwined at her waist.
"A key?"
"Yeah."
"To … your place?"
"No … to our place."
"You mean you want me to move into your place with you?"
"No"
"What-"
He turned her in his arms. "I'm talking about our place. A place, we find together, for us."
"But?"
"That's not what you want?"
"Oh no, it is what I want it's just that I never dreamed that you'd be ready-"
"Lindsay, if we're gonna work this out, be there for each other, then we have to be together, right? And with two places and two different jobs, it's gonna be tough but with a place to-"
Her arms slid around his waist and she laid her cheek against his chest. "You're right."
His chest rumbled in her ear as he rested his chin on her head. "I am?"
"You are."
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A/N: Thanks for reading. It's been a journey and I appreciate all the support throughout.