Author's Note: So, I was going through my documents recently when I came across the lost epilogue to The Vengeful Vengeance of Schmenjamin Schmarker. I'm not sure why I didn't post it months and months ago, but, luckily, I can now correct this oversight. I hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: Not mine. The song about meat pies is a parody of "Lovely Ladies" from Les Misérables.

Epilogue: This is Very Sexually Confusing, Isn't It?

(In Fogg's Asylum, Toby and Eponine gaze deeply into one another's crazy but adorable eyes and sing a duet while Mr. Fogg dances with his new, legal cat-bride Peggy and Ophelia pokes a sleeping Miss Havisham with a potted geranium.)

Toby and Eponine: I LOVE HIM, BUT EVERY DAY I'M LEARNING ALL MY LIFE I'VE ONLY BEEN PRETENDING!

Ophelia: Gup, Christian Clout, gup, Jack of the Vale, with Mannerly Margery Milk and Ale!

Mr. Fogg: Oh, Peggy! Who cares if I'm dying slowly of feline distemper? This night is so magical that I would not trade the world for it!

Peggy: Meow.

(Meanwhile, in the hold of the Bountiful, a still cross-dressed Johanna makes out with the captain. The captain's wife, Caroline, enters and looks at them aghast.)

Caroline: (to the captain) Darling! Why in God's name are you kissing little Johnny Barker? He's…he's a boy!

Captain: It's alright, dear. Johnny is really Johanna. Trust me. I've looked.

Caroline: Well, this puts all the time I've spent fondling him…her in quite a different light. This is very sexually confusing, isn't it?

Captain: Yes, dear. It is.

Johanna: Heh.

(Melvin, the resident rapist of the Bountiful, enters. He has a ballpoint pen sticking out of his eye socket.)

Melvin: Hope? Hope, are you in here? (Notices everyone else.) Oh, hi. I was looking for Hope. Has anyone seen him?

Johanna: My fiancé doesn't work here anymore. He rented a room in London and became a vigilante crime fighter after I decided that we needed space. Remember?

Melvin: Oh, right. I keep forgetting. (Sighs.) I miss him. (Glares at Johanna.) He never stabbed me.

Captain: Yes, yes. We all miss Hope and his tendency not to stab us when we took liberties, as we so often did. So very, very often. (Pause.) Is anyone even steering this thing?

(Meanwhile, in a London tavern, Anthony gulps down his ale with ninja-like grace. A sixteen-year-old girl with wavy, waist-length chestnut brown hair and chocolate eyes sits by his side and sips gin.)

Anthony: You have to understand, Mary. It's not okay to kick a man in the crotch unless you're doing it in self-defense.

Mary: But he mistook me for a whore!

Anthony: Maybe there's a reason he mistook you for a whore. Where do you spend most of your time?

Mary: Whitechapel.

Anthony: What do you do there?

Mary: Loiter.

Anthony: Wouldn't you mistake a woman loitering in Whitechapel for a whore? I mean, it's an honest mistake. You could've corrected him instead of injuring his man-parts.

Mary: I suppose you're right. (Takes a sip of gin.) You know, you're not very violent for a vigilante crime fighter.

Anthony: I prefer to use reason when dealing with pathologically spunky OCs like you. I save my ninja skills for substitute rapists and abusive boyfriends. (Downs a few pills. Drains ale.) Listen, I have to go deal with Judge Turpin's cousin. Will you remember what I said?

Mary: Sure will.

(Meanwhile, in Hell, Mrs. Lovett and Sweeney are busy running a new pie shop given to them by Satan, who is as enamored with them as the rest of us. The Judge, the Beadle, and Pirelli stand outside the shop, licking their lips.)

Judge: I smell meat pies,

Smell them in the air.

Think I'll stab my fork into that meat pie over there.

Beadle: Lovely meat pies!

There's a nice big stack.

Eternity in hell can make you hungry for a snack!

Pirelli: Even barbers need a little snack!

Beadle: Dude. You rhymed "snack" with "snack".

(Pirelli hangs his head in shame. The Judge's watch alarm goes off.)

Judge: (sighing) Looks like it's time for me to be raped by Australian prison guards again.

Beadle: (looking at own watch) Yeah, I'd better be going, too. I have to go and…well, never mind what's going to be done to me, but it involves a retractable cane.

Pirelli: Wow. And I thought I had it bad having to dress up like Dolly Parton and sing to hostile crowds.

(Inside the shop, Mrs. Lovett and Sweeney prepare pies.)

Mrs. Lovett and Sweeney: Lovely meat pies!

Would you like a bite?

Meat pies every morning, meat pies every night!

Lovely meat pies,

Ready for the call,

Full of meat or vegetables or anything at all!

Bargain prices if they're very small!

(Albert Lovett comes into the shop. He begins following Mrs. Lovett and attempting to eat her leg.)

Albert: Must…become…world's…second…fattest…man…

Mrs. Lovett: Stop that!

Sweeney: Yeah, Albert. That's not cool.

(Lucy, who looks like her pretty young self, flounces into the shop, carrying an armful of dresses. She points to Mrs. Lovett.)

Lucy: WHORE! (Waltzes over to Sweeney and pecks him on the cheek.) Hi, Benji! I don't really love you, but I'll turn into a raging, jealous bitch if you so much as look at another girl. Also, I don't care for our infant daughter. Oh, and I'm sleeping with Judge Turpin and molesting puppies behind your back.

(She waltzes out of the shop. Sweeney shrugs.)

Sweeney: (to Mrs. Lovett) You'll have to excuse her. As punishment for trying to kill herself, she's being forced to behave as if she's in a particularly terrible bad fanfic.

Mrs. Lovett: Happens to the best of us.

Albert: Yeah, I remember when I first got here. It was "Make me a sandwich, woman" this and "Don't make me go upside your head" that. Very tiresome, you know.

Lucy: (from outside shop) I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH YOU STRUGGLE, PUPPY! I WILL HAVE YOU!

Mrs. Lovett: I suppose it could be worse. I had to play the jealous bitch in a You/OC fic last week.

Sweeney: You think that's bad? Have you seen some of the slash fics I've been forced to do lately? Listen, I know I spend a lot of time with my razors, but I wouldn't do that with them.

Mrs. Lovett: Well, it wouldn't be Hell if you liked it, right?

Sweeney: I suppose not.

(Meanwhile, Mrs. Georgiana "Pepper Jack" Mooney sits in her pie shop and works on the first draft of Not Quite a Virgin, the long-awaited sequel to His Plangent Member. Giovanni, Anthony's identical twin brother who is also a prostitute, enters the room and licks her ear.)

Mrs. Georgiana "Pepper Jack" Mooney: I'd thank you to keep your filthy mouth to yourself, Gio. You know that I don't like to have my ear licked until I'm in the editing stages.

Giovanni: I'm-a very-a sorry-a, Signora-a Pepper-a Jack-a. I-a just-a wanted-

Mrs. Georgiana "Pepper Jack" Mooney: (interrupting) And cut that fake accent crap, too. It's offensive and we both know that you're from Shropshire, so why bother?

Giovanni: Sorry, ma'am. I just wanted to tell you that we're out of cat jerky.

Mrs. Georgiana "Pepper Jack" Mooney: Again?

Giovanni: Yep.

Mrs. Georgiana "Pepper Jack" Mooney: Well, I guess that you'll just have to go out and earn some then, won't you?

(Giovanni shuffles out of the shop, grumbling to himself. Alas, he cannot see his way out, for male prostitution seems to be his only option.)

THE END?

YES.