I know you guys would probably have liked me to have updated my other fic but after finally convincing my boyfriend to watch Atonement with me, (what is it with men and 'chick flicks?' It's not even a 'chick flick!') I am in a seriously angsty mood.

Anyway, this is the product of my day and my mood...

Between How It Is and How It Should Be

Eric couldn't breathe. He couldn't hear, couldn't think. All he knew was that right now, there was only a breath or two between their lips, where the welcomed touch of skin and skin would meet. He couldn't even remember how they'd got here but it didn't matter; what mattered was now. He gazed into her eyes and was mesmerized, hypnotized and captivated by that green sea. Hope rose inside of him, mixing with fear and his world began to spin, centrifugal motion washing over him as all sense of time became lost because he believed that this moment, every part of it, would live on forever...

Calleigh's breath quickened, every breath giving birth to deeper ones. She was aware of how close Eric was and also of how close he was to that line. She could feel his hands on the small of her back, unmoving; frozen like her. Right now, she couldn't speak, couldn't think without his name interrupting her thoughts; she was caught in the moment of wanting him here, of just wanting him, of just needing him. She could feel her defences start to cave, her guard becoming paper-thin as her heart began to melt in the rush of his embrace. And then just like a delicate unraveling, it happened.

Eric's mouth met hers halfway. He wanted to show her how he felt until all his feeling was gone, but it never went; she was his drug, never giving him enough, but somehow giving him more than he could ever take. His tongue slipped between her lips, just one touch was all it took and he knew that he was too deep now to ever swim back against the current. But he'd never want to; he wanted to float forever…

Calleigh's mouth danced with Eric's, gradually picking up speed from the whispered start. She felt his hands move an inch up her back and it was there and then that her brain caught up; maybe they shouldn't be doing this. He deepened the kiss further, almost as if he sensed what was about to happen, trying to cling onto the moment for a second longer and she tried to suppress her growing fears. Her body was temporarily rendered useless as her heart screamed against her strained inner voice and all the while, Eric continued to kiss her.

Eric needed this moment, needed it to continue; needed it like a heart needs a beat. He was clinging to his rainbow of hope whilst being slowly dragged backwards into the infinite cold, because she was pulling away, even if she didn't know it yet; he could feel it. His kiss became desperate, probing, questioning. He wanted to know why everything had to be so complicated, why she had to be so stubborn and what it was going to take for her to love him like he knew she could. And as the kiss continued, his hope dangled on a string, winding in and winding out...

Calleigh felt her eyes begin to sting as tears began to form and it was then that she knew, knew that she had to pull away. Her mouth left his and she nearly winced at the sound he made. She couldn't tear herself from his embrace yet though, didn't have the strength to do so, but she couldn't look at him either. She turned her head and caught sight of their reflection in the mirror and she closed her eyes, not yet ready to confront it, not yet ready to confront him.

Eric felt her heart begin to pump faster against him, seducing him with it's sinister beat. The moment was slipping away, becoming a part of the past; he knew he was losing her. He continued to stare at her, willing her to turn her head back and look at him, willing and hurting so much that he could feel the bile rise up the back of his throat. He'd had heaven but it was turning to hell; she was taking away everything, just taking it away and making it seem so effortless...

Calleigh slowly opened her eyes, her composure creeping back. Knowing that she needed to disengage herself from him, she took a step backwards, immediately feeling the loss of his arms and his heat. She turned to look at him and with a deep breath, she told him. She recited a list of reasons – no, excuses - as to why they couldn't do this and prayed to God that he'd listen. She had to let him know that she knew best and he had to believe her, even though it was breaking her heart. But sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same, and this was the right thing, wasn't it?

Eric listened, listened as she rubbed salt into his wounds. He knew she wasn't doing it deliberately but it didn't make it any easier. Anger welled up inside him and it burned him with its negative heat. But then the emotion switched to, guilt? How could he stay mad at her when he was so in love with her? He heard her continue with her resistance but he switched off, his mind rendered terrified with the knowledge that she was about to walk away and it was with that thought that he cut her off by whispering a single word...

Calleigh tried to make her legs work but they wouldn't listen to her, wouldn't take her anywhere because of that word, stay. What did that even mean? She looked away again, the pain she was causing him, the anguish she was feeling becoming too much. She needed to break away and clean this, mess up and her brain struggled to recall when it had all got so mixed up, so fucked up. She was torn between how they were and how they should be, between who she was and who she could be if she could just let herself go: but she couldn't.

Eric took a step towards her, not sure what he was doing but knowing that he needed to be close to her again. He repeated the word over and over, louder and louder and saw her tears fall as it pierced through her each time. It was then that he stopped; he didn't want to hurt her anymore. Instead, he tried to stun her with a look, silently pleading with her to stay. He knew it would be his last appeal, the last chance that he'd have and he couldn't blink, scared that in that second, she'd be gone…

Calleigh finally regained control of her legs and stepped backwards, towards the door. Her back stiffened against the hard wood that symbolised the line between fear and blame; to stay would be terrifying but to leave would break him. Her heart ached at her inability to take what she wanted, to take a risk but she could feel the walls begin to cave in, squeezing her into a space that was too small. She held back more tears as he began to raise his voice again and with an effort, she lowered hers and murmured a word of her own.

Eric's heart shattered as everything he wanted was sucked away, following her out of the door. He'd lost the fight, been left cold and out of breath. He was shocked, broken, and angry with her: in love with her. He didn't believe her, didn't believe her excuses and his brain cursed him with the image of when she'd been in his arms, her lips just an inch away from his, before she'd shattered the illusion and told him, goodbye. And now the moment that he'd believed would live on forever, was gone.

- Fin -