The Espada Guide to Parenting

by Impervious Marr

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Summary: Life's good. War's over. Las Nachos - I mean Noches, is getting cleaner, Aizen's giving us all vacations, and - by the way, I have a kid stalker who thinks I'm his mom and Ulquiorra's his dad. LG, man, LG. GrimmUlqui.

Warnings: MxM, yaoi - GrimmUlqui sort. xD Pointless fluff thingythingy. Lots of cussin'. (It's Grimmjow.) FIRST PERSON POV. An OC who is not in love with the main characters. (Gasp.) In fact, he's a little kid.

A/N: ... I got bored. oo This is set in a sort of Alternate Timeline. I mean, Grimmy's still an Espada and all, but the whole war between Shinigamis and stuff are like, not happening at the moment. I don't know the exact timeline. Maybe there's a truce, blahblahblah, shit happens.

And I wanted to write some more cliches between Grimmy and Ulqui. XDDD;

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING D:

Read and review, please! Thank you!

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One

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The day started off wonderfully. Seriously. It can not get any more fucking better than this. The war was like... Sort of anti-climatic; we won, yadda yadda yadda, Aizen's the new Gawd, everyone's happy except the stupid leftover Shittygami-dorks who can't see how awesome it is to leave the all-knowing bastard on his god-complex session - ruling the world. He wasn't as bad of a leader than everybody thought, and shit happened; everything's cool.

Yeah.

I don't even get to lift up my fucking hand for a fight anymore!

So Aizen gave us all vacations.

Yeah, absolutely fucking wonderful.

Yes. If you didn't pick up the sarcasm before, I'm really sorry for the other people who have to put up with your slowness.

I'm not happy. Get this. I am not a happy camper. See the sentence above when I said I don't even get to lift up my fuckin' hand and so on? Yep.

I'm not happy, because nobody's actually up for fighting anymore. That berry-head's in school again, so is everybody else. Shittygami are busy rebuilding. All the other Espada and Arrancars are either dead, still in eternal pain, or are on said vacations earlier and do not want to spare a little time with ol' Grimmy here.

The ones who are up for fighting, are wimps. One blast of a cero and all that's left are their stained with pee pants. Dude, it is amusing, but after the first million episodes of pants-pissing, I'm cracking knuckles and no grins.

So.

It.

Was.

Boring.

It's no fun winning. Yeah, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen - an actual specimen of a sore winner.

Oh, it gets better and better. Just sit tight and enjoy the ride.

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In the Human World, there's television, alcohol, cars and catnip.

In other words, in the Human World, there's entertainment.

You can't go wrong with that, and it's way better in Hueco Mun-blah - utopia for the white-o-phillic, the scene for the no sunshine and the source of all things holey.

Well fuck that.

So I decided, since I'm on my vacation and all, I should be allowed to go wherever the fuck I want. First choice was Human World, since Soul Society was at its finest at the moment, and you can only rip between two dimensions at one time. Insert some mumbo-jumbo here about defying physics, and I was already there, enjoying the sights.

And I decided that life was good. For a time. Someone up there had to be a smartass about it and give the most perfect timing to fuck up my life.

A kid.

And not just any kid - a little boy that was about wee-high, black hair-blue eyed; with the most adorable puppy-eyes that I want to beat the shit out of, and get this. He was -

Nah, tell ya what; I'll spoil the surprise later.

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The weather was awesome. Not too sunshiney and not too gloomy for me to break out 'Fuck, Szayel must be singing again'.

And, as always, when someone says that too soon, the shine's gonna get into your eyes the moment you step out into another street. I reeled away slightly from the sun that practically threw itself onto my face. Fuck sunshine.

Nobody saw me, practically, so I was strolling without a fucking care in the world - until a boy stopped, and started following me.

With his eyes.

How fucking creepy was that?

I stopped, and his eyes stopped. Went to the left, they went to the left. Went to the right and you get my meaning. Whatever this kid was doing, I didn't like it.

"Oi, kid," I started, scowling, because the sun was too fucking cheerful at this time of the month for me to deal with. "Stop that."

He mumbled something. I didn't really catch it. Then he looked up at me with wide blue eyes and walked towards me with a kicked-puppy look that I would just love to smack the hell out of.

"... Whatever," I said, then tried to lose him by weaving through the crowd and getting into a corner. There. Creepy boy gone.

Then I turned and he was fucking there, staring up at me again with that puppy-dog 'Don't Leave Me' look and oh god I have a stalker.

And not just any stalker. He's a little kid; his head barely reaching where my waist was and he was clutching a little cat plushie with buttons for eyes. Black hair that was kinda familiar and big, deep blue eyes. And he was staring at me as if he just found some new shiny-shiny toy to play with.

Yeah, I can see this in the headlines soon enough. Grimmjow Jeagerjacques - Child Magnet Extraordinaire. If I wasn't so occupied with getting the fuck away from the kid, I would've smacked myself for resorting to headlines wisecracking.

"Kid, scram."

He didn't do anything. Instead, he moved closer, eyes almost popping out.

Then I checked around if there were any video cameras. If this is Gin's idea of entertainment, I'mma go make him revise the meaning. Because seriously, it's freaking me out. "Okay," I muttered to him, crouching down - a bit paranoid, but with a prankster like Gin on your side you can't be too safe. "Were you bribed by a silver-haired bastard to bug me? Because I'm telling you now, I'm really not in the mood to deal with creepy kid stalkers like you. 'Kay?"

The boy said nothing. The 'nothing' was just like Ulqui-bitch, man.

Ah.

So he reminded me of Ulqui. Damn. Must be some long lost relative (it explains the whole look).

The kid mumbled something I didn't really catch, and I looked at him a bit funnily - before I raised up a hand to rip another portal back to Hueco-Mun-blah. Anywhere's gotta be better than this.

"Mommy," he said solemnly and so honestly I couldn't help but choke. I wasn't eating anything so it was probably my own spit. Gross.

"What the fuck?"

"Mommy." Then he grinned up to me brightly, clutching to my hakama-clad leg, resisting the urge to kick him. "Mommm." Then he starting purring. Or something or other. While clutching to my leg.

While clutching to my fucking leg.

I mean, I was still in a state of shock. The kid must be fucking blind. I was shirtless, thus anybody really could see I was a freaking guy, and this kid's old enough to tell between the two, so why the fuck was I a 'Mommy'?

Better yet, why the fuck was I still here gawking? I detached him, holding the kid at arm's length.

"... I'm not your Mommy." Nodding as if I just made some philosophical statement relating to life, television, the beyond and the cosmos, I turned on my heels to go.

"Mommy, where are you going?"

"None of your fucking business, stay away from me, and I'm not. Your. Mommy," I deadpanned, going through the dimensional rip.

Ah. The palace of Las Nachos - I mean, Noches. Never changing, and always smelling of fresh disinfectant, because nothing could be possibly this white. I sniffed it, then turned because I was just planning to just crash in my room because my day was ruined by kidstalk, before the soft tmp tmp tmp of a - unmistakably - little kid made me blink.

Then count to ten.

Then look behind. Sure enough, Mr. Creepy Stalker was there.

"What the fuck is your problem, kid!? I'm not your fucking mom!"

"Mommy..."

Is it possible to file against a kid for stalking?

Luckily for that kid, we ain't got any fancy stuff like lawyers in Hueco Mun-blah. So he got off lucky. I was set to ignore him, really, before -

Sniff.

Yes.

Shit.

Ohhh yes. Ohhh fuck. Turning my head and lo and behold, the kid was thisclose to me and thisclose to clutching at my pant leg again - and thisclose to looking to cry. I gulped. Now, it wasn't everyday that Mr. Grimmy gulped about anything, but I just can't handle crying kids.

"Mommy hates me?"

"I'm not your mommy," was all I could say before he started wailing, clutching his cat-plush-thing which was giving me the creepy stare like 'Look what you've done, foo', (I mean seriously, what the fuck, the cat only had freaking buttons for freaking eyes) and I rolled my eyes to the back of my head, counting to three. "Stop crying!"

"B-B-But -"

Then he started wailing again.

Then I remembered that we were in Las Nachos. (Yes, I am hungry, thank you very much.) So someone was bound to come by at any second, and if they see me, Grimmy, with a kid - shit will happen.

Growling, I scooped up the kid and flash-stepped to my room.

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The kid calmed down when I scooped him up. Then he wouldn't let me put him down unless I wanted a full blast ear torture what with the wailing. Poor things. So I was currently sitting on my bed,

"What the hell am I gonna do with you? I gotta send you back, that's for sure."

He sniffed again. Shit. Then he looked up with those 'Don't Leave Me' eyes again and again and this kid wasn't for real because how the hell did he know how to guilt-trip?

I stared at him once, then poked him on the stomach. He squirmed and smiled.

Why do I even want to poke him? Ugh.

Whatever. It's my fault anyway for asking for anything to get rid of that boredom. Maybe I'll find something to do. I mean, this kid was a -

Seriously, what the hell is he? If he could see me before, it's either a plus soul or a human who can see souls or something, and I'm willing to bet on the second since pluses can't move around all that much.

I'm not very good at the whole thinking. That's Ulqui's job.

"And I don't even know your freaking name."

"I don't have one," he mumbled, then smiled brightly. "Give me a name, mommy!"

Then the door to my room slammed open and I almost fell off the bed.

"What the fuck?!"

"Whoops! Sorry, didn't see ya there!"

Gin. And behind him, was Ulqui.

The banes of my fucking existence.

"What the hell do you two want?" I asked politely. If you could call a snarl polite, I salute you. Gin was all used to this.

"Just to check up on ya - Oh. My. What do we have here, hmm?"

I looked down. Shit, they saw the kid. Shit, Gin saw the kid. Shit, Ulqui was with Gin.

"... Is that your child, Grimmjow?" Ulquiorra asked curtly, raising an eyebrow. I didn't know whether to strangle him or to gut him alive, because the kid actually beamed brightly and nodded.

"My Mommy!"

"You got lucky, Grimmy! Congratulations! How long have you been hiding this from us?" Gin asked, and I punched him. "Ahaha, just like a true woman! Well spoken, Grimm -" I punched him again. "So what's his name?"

"He doesn't have one. Look, he followed me around in the Human World and ended up here. I know you won't listen anyway so I'm cutting it short by saying he's not my kid you moron." In no mood, man. In no mood. Gin just smiled and poked the kid. He gurgled like a baby and squealed. What the eff.

"Don't do that," I said, swatting his hand off. Gin pouted but it didn't work because that was just creepy, man. "Stop it. And what the hell did you want?"

"Nothing!"

"Why's Ulqui here then?"

"To spend quality time with you of -" I raised my hand threateningly again and he cut off his sentence wisely. The only reason I could punch him was because he let me, anyway, and he didn't really take offense. "Who's the dad?"

"Like for the freaking last time, he is not, my, ­-"

"Daddy!" the kid in my arms squealed, pointing at Ulquiorra, who blinked at the finger and just fuck no. "Daddy! Mommy, he's Daddy, okay? Okay okay?"

Fuck no.

I didn't even have the mind to say what the fuck. I don't even think Ulqui's got the mind to say what the fuck. (Or a polite equivalent.)

Then Gin started laughing, and both of us punched him.

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End Chapter One.

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A/N: LOL HANG.

I was in a strange, sleepy mood when I wrote this. I have no plans for the next chapters. As in... I have no idea where this is going.

Also, please be suggesting me a name, if you want, to give to this new addition to the family. o3o

Have a nice day everyone! :D