Uncertainty

A Ginny Weasley Fan Fiction

I've spent the last week with Dean Thomas clinging to me like Spellotape, as if he's sure I'll leave him if he's not by my side at every waking moment. I'm not sure if he's daft or if he simply doesn't care, but I can and do see the way he looks at me. I've seen the look in his eyes before. It's a sort of desperate and raw lust that makes my stomach turn. I remember that Michael wore that very same expression often; his eyes would cloud over with intense desire.

It's not that they're not decent people, I suppose. Dean certainly is a nice enough boy. I'll admit there are some things I miss so much about Michael. He was sure of himself, for sure, so much so sometimes, that he was often quite arrogant and frequently belligerent.

Dean, however, is a gentler soul. When I look into his eyes, seeking past his sensual want and see the boy that is there, lost in his own mind, I can still see the boy I let myself believe I was in love with.

It's this innocence in him I see that makes me repress these feelings, the ones of regret and hopeless longing for another. As the days pass by, I catch a glimpse of him in the halls, his gentle green eyes scanning me from far away, yet so intimately that give me cause to consider this relationship with Dean. I let it linger in my thoughts that perhaps this is mere illusion, my hopeful mind soothing my troubled heart.

Samantha Higgins seems to think that I'm the type of girl who likes to play 'ring-around-the-boyfriend', to steal a perfectly good male's heart and devour it for some sort of twisted nourishment. I can't really be that bad, can I? I gave Michael a perfectly valid reason for our break-up – he definitely deserved it. It was better for the both of us. It was better to sever the romance and save what little of the friendship I could, rather than leave him magically bound to a tree in the forest, though I'll admit the thought is, occasionally, still tempting.

It's just that lately, anytime Dean tries to show me affection, whether it be through holding my hand or hugs or with kisses, I feel trapped, caged away, that I'm being kept from what my heart truly desires.

People see me as the fiery, witty girl from their classes. They see me as the beautiful girl that has no problem picking up the boys, the same vile creature with no problem casting them away again when I'm through with them – but, that's just it.

That's what they see.

They don't know these battles I have inside; they can't know the misery I've known in life. They don't feel this constant ache I've felt since I was freed from Riddle's grasp, nor do they know the heartache I've endured seeing someone I've loved, since before I can remember, slip away from me time and time again.

They don't know the agony of knowing that it was me who opened the Chamber of Secrets, that it was my foolishness that led to so many walking so near the narrow border between life and death. Those I hurt may be well now, but their terror-filled, lifeless stone faces still haunt my troubled dreams; their faint whispers call my name in the distance.

They don't know the constant pressure I feel from my parents and siblings, being the only female child in the Weasley family; they don't know what it's like having to be the best at everything, to be the smartest at everything. They don't know the strain of having to prove myself as a worthy member of the family through Quidditch prowess, they simply see the goals I score or the Snitch I catch. They don't see the destructiveness of the 'that's okay, you're the youngest's from the others in the family, they just see my determination to be more.

They see only the façade I wear, not the load I carry on my shoulders. They see the perfect me I have let so many believe and it is a terrible burden. Am I afraid of what they'll see if they truly knew me?

I don't really know and yet, I wonder. Perhaps it is this uncertainty that has kept me drowning in my nightmares when I could be soaring through my dreams.

Author's Note: It's been a while since I've written something actually directly about Ginny and I had a plot bunny come a-hopping last night, so I went ahead with it. I hope you enjoyed. Please review!